Laughter

This morning I realized that I don't laugh much anymore. Three years ago this week my ex spouse told me he had filed for divorce and frankly, before then even, there was no laughter. There was lots and lots of hurt and hurtful actions and words.

I want someone to laugh with. I want to giggle, throw my head back and guffah with someone who means the world to me. It's been too long since I have really laughed like that. I want to laugh. I want to have fun. I want my life back. It's time. I'm tired of mourning what I had. I'm done with that. I'm done with him. He has taken too much of my mind over the past decade and now it's time to be me again.

The me who loves to shop, loves cool shoes, loves photography, loves her children, loves life. I miss that girl. Maybe she was just in hiding and it's time for her to reappear.  Maybe it's time for her to heal.

I took off my ring that my ex-mother in law gave me and was stuck on for years. I pulled it off and exclaimed outloud (rather loud) "I'M FREE!" then laughed! I am free and the only thing holding me back is the "tapes" from my ex that run continually inside my head. It's like I've spent the last three years in therapy trying to erase the tapes. I am not who he said I was. My self worth comes from who the Lord of the heaven says I am and God almighty says that "I am beautifully and wonderfully made."

So here I sit. I can sit and mourn what is already gone or I can begin to live again. The second one scares me to death but it is the second one that I choose. I choose it for me and for my children. I choose to be happy. I choose life. I choose to laugh. Maybe one day I will meet someone who will make me laugh.

Pray

Tomorrow morning I am going into the hospital for a treatment for my depression that frankly is a little scary and very controversial. I've had good luck with it recently (thank God) so we are going to do it again. Please lift me up in prayer and my doctor and his team as they work on my treatment.

Other than that, life is just sort of plugging along. It feels like the world's longest week. Each day has seemed to last an eternity plus I've been really tired struggling with some depression. I've gone to bed early each night to give my body the rest I need to combat what my physiology does to me with this bipolar disorder. Rest for me is my key tool in my toolbox. Along with a really really great doctor that I can't go on enough about. I'm so thankful for him and his wisdom over the many years that he's been my physician.

So wish me luck er I mean, pray for me as I have a big day planned for tomorrow!

Cheers!

Seek God

I like how God uses "little" things to remind us of Him. Take tonight, as I drove home from a meeting, he put on the most unbelievable sunset I'd ever seen.  I took a shot. Unfortunately it won't let me upload it.

Today I went to work for a couple of hours then had to come home because I was so tired and dizzy that I could barely function. I came home and slept about 4 hours without any medication. I was tired. I then ran an errand that needed doing and enjoyed the air conditioning.

Tonight I'm thankful that my kids are doing so great in school. I'm thankful that I did get to spend a half hour or so with them. We had a school meeting tonight so I didn't get my parenting time. My parents were gracious enough to watch them and take them to dinner. They seemed to have fun.

My words of wisdom tonight are to encourage you to seek God. He wants to be found by us. Seek Him and you will find Him.  Make that your mission tonight and in the days to come.

Thoughts on July

This past month of July was one of the most trying for me in some time. A lot I am not able to talk about but I can say that I was hospitalized for most of the month and it was hard, and at times, scary. I emerged though, feeling absolutely great, and the happiest that I've been in years. That to me is a major miracle and I'm thankful to my God and to my doctor, Dr. Cole.  He knew exactly when to do what at the right time and we did what he recommended and it WORKED and I feel great. That is the short version.

I have struggled with depression most of my adult life or all of my adult life. I wonder sometimes if I could wave a wand and not have it if I would. I don't know. I hate having it but I do strongly believe the struggles I undergo and have undergone have made me into a person more like God and that makes me really happy.  

So I keep on keeping on. Day by day, sometimes hour by hour.  I follow Doctor's orders to the letter usually and pray to my God who gives me breathe by breathe.

So if you're struggling today know that God is bigger than your problems and if you trust Him, He can help you make it through them. Only He can heal. Only He can be trusted with your wounded heart.

What a week

Well this has been an interesting week. Suffice to say the doc has gotten me on the right meds, I'm feeling better and that is good. I still have some work to do to help myself but now that I'm feeling better that should be no problem.

I need to get rid of a giant tv this week. I should see about donating it.

So much to do, so little time. I do have some time this week which is good. I rather need it to get used to the new medicine I'm to take.

That is life.  Going to go see a movie this afternoon, just sitting around waiting for time to go.  Terribly exciting stuff here.

FB Unfriending

I was recently unfriended by two people. I am baffled slightly at this because I felt like we all had a normal FB relationship. Mostly talk on FB, met one in person, etc. Then boom. Two people who were in my life are now gone. What does one make of this?

One could take it personally but I don't.

One could give it another thought but I won't although I might wonder if I did or said something offensive to this person in order to reconcile with them and mend the FB friendship.

Right now I have bigger fish to fry and although I did notice two defectors I do not plan to hold it against them. They each had their reasons. Someday, maybe they can tell me so that I can learn from them. Or maybe I'm to not know.

Tonight I'm thankful to be here, to be alive, to have little people who think I'm supermom. That is enough for me. And to have furry beasts to keep me company even though they are all sometimes naughty.  One was just chewing on my shoe. My new shoe. He's in the dog house for sure.

Tonight I am hanging onto the people I can count on. They know who they are. They've been with me through the ups and downs of my life, the ebb and flow of my life.

Heck I might clean out my FB friends too! Spring, er, I mean, summer cleaning is underway!

Not gonna just lay down

My ex is not having the kids return my calls on "his" weekends. It's stupid and petty. What a jerk.  He never calls them here on my weekends which I would be fine with. I'm surprised he doesn't.

Whether he plays mind games or not, ultimately I do not care. My God is so much bigger than my ex's petty tactics that I'm just leaving it at God's feet for Him to deal with it.

I had my kids basically taken from me many years ago when I was having a very hard and long depressive spell (they sent them to day care). I then asked for them back when I was feeling up to it and no dice. So the reason I have such distaste for my ex is because he took them from me and did not return them. (no they are not property but they came out of MY belly, not his).

Just frustrated, that's all. Want my babies back with me. I'll do whatever it takes.