Grace and Mercies for this Broken but Mending Mom

It's 7:44 as I write this and I just keep thinking, is it time for bed yet? I worked hard all day then had my children for a couple of hours. I was too tired to cook and out of food so we went out. Then came home, played with the dog and the other kids in the apartment complex. The kids are gone now and I'm sitting here with 15 minutes to myself. I should be cleaning but honestly I'm too freaking tired. If I don't regenerate myself by rest I burn out and it's not pretty.

So it's 7:44 and I rest. For a few minutes I try to decompress from my day. In a few minutes I will take out the dog for the last time, take my handful of medications for various and assorted things that I have and would rather not have, then crawl in bed.

But it's Thursday night and there's good TV on Thursdays. I just want to be awake and hang out. I wish my house was magically cleaned, my refrigerator was stocked with food, and that my dog was well behaved. So until then I rest, I work on cleaning when I can, I run to the grocery store tomorrow on my way to pick up the kids for the weekend, and as for the dog, that is a long term project.

To add to the humiliation of not feeling good my face is all broken out, the hives that turn into acne kind of break out. Not fun and probably med related. Oh the trials and frustrations of my ordinary little life.

Tonight I've decided to give myself the same kind of grace and mercies that God gives me. I need to give myself a break, be easy on myself until I'm feeling better.  I have the weekend coming up with the kids and that will leach my energy but also will refill it in a unique way.  They need me as I need them. That is the way it is between moms and their kids.  A symbiotic relationship.

So maybe I can make it until 9pm tonight. I'm kind of watching a tv show now that I want to see. I won't tell the name because I will lose all credibility here if I do!

Lesson of the day: give yourself some mercy (not getting what you do deserve) and some grace (getting something you don't deserve). If you've never experienced those mercies and grace filled moments from a relationship with God, let me tell you it will rock your world and change your life. It will give you hope beyond these broken bodies we're all walking around in.  God is the only person who can offer true hope.

Days that Don't go as "planned"

Anyone else had one of those days that just didn't go as planned? Or as WE planned? I had one of those today. If I wasn't putting my foot in my mouth I was talking non-stop at work (probably bored them silly), then had just the world's longest day.  I came home, hoping to catch a quick cat nap even for 20 minutes and no, that didn't go as planned or hoped for either.

Add to it that I've got hives and now you have a picture of my day.  I wonder if sometimes God allows these days to keep me humble. Because it worked. I'm humbled. Even had to send an apology letter via email today!

So tonight I'm humbled to know that I'm utterly human. To add insult to injury I've walked and walked and walked my dog and he won't go. :-) Gotta laugh at something today.

So today wasn't quite what I'd hoped for but it was exactly what God planned for me. I always need to remember that. Each and every thing that God allows to come through my life goes through and by Him first.

Tonight I have no insights, I'm just a girl who's trying to just make it in this world, stumbling along the way. Thankful that tomorrow is a new day with new mercies.

Advice Advice Everywhere

I'm having one of those weeks where I keep getting unwanted and un-asked for advice. Not quite sure what to make of it.  You ever have that happen to you? I mean my friend at work offered me some advice today that she doesn't even take herself! I wanted so much to really tell her off but knew that wouldn't be the right thing to do. I did call her on it in a non-threatening way.

It's seriously been a week full of this from all sorts of people and places.

This week I feel like I'm just swimming, trying desperately to keep my head above water. I'm making headway and starting to feel better but know this is a process. Every med change can take weeks and sometimes much longer before relief happens.  I am happy to report that the med I just got put back on seems to be lifting the little rain cloud that has been hovering over my head.

I've also got this friend who will remain nameless and every time that I talk with him I feel crappy about myself after. I'm beginning to wonder why I keep talking to him. Definite duh moment.  I want to hear what people have to say, good and bad, but when you get dumped on for years and years, the dumping gets a little old. You know?

My focus now is singular. It is on being the best mom that I can be. The includes taking care of myself, taking part in my health both mental and physical. This means participating in therapy like I do, talking about what is going on in my life, whether I feel like it or not.  Managing bipolar disorder is often a combination of things: medication, therapy, exercise and healthy living. Oh how I wish that I could do all of those at the same time. I've got medication and therapy down pat. I'm starting to work on the exercise part by walking my new dog and the healthy living part is simply not happening.

Oh I forgot what I think is the most important part: your faith in God! My faith in God outweighs my medication, therapy, exercise, and any tofu on the planet. My faith in God is what makes me get out of bed when I think that I cannot. My faith in my Redeemer is what keeps me keep on keeping on.  My relationship with God is my love. He has become the One in my life now that I am divorced. He stepped in and filled that role my husband used to fill a long time ago before he gave up on us. So don't forget to include your faith in God when you are managing your bipolar disorder.

Another thing I got to thinking about today is how mean women are to each other. What is that about? Instead of tending to each other's wounds we wound each other further often times. I have a small group of gals that I am learning to trust and get to know and it is nice. I grew up with brothers and always was friends with guys because I could relate to them better and there wasn't this pettiness that I felt around other girls.  Here I find myself in a world of women, no men really to be found. So it's a brave new world. I've so enjoyed getting acquainted with some older friends again and getting to know some newer friends. God created us for relationship. With one another. For friendships, for romance, for love, for killing time together.

So lets teach our children, especially if you have daughters, to embrace other girls and to not see them as competition but as comrades. Lets model THAT for our daughters.

70 x 7 daily

Tonight I have a few things to say. 1. God is good. No matter what. 2. I'm going to follow Him. No matter what I face. and 3. No one is going to get my focus off of what is important to me and that is this, in this order A. God  B. My children C. My family D. My friends E. My church F. My job.

I know where I am in life, I know where I'm going and I'm trusting God to take me there in His time. The world can throw all the sludge at me it wants because I am not going to cave. In the Bible it even says that God loves the broken hearted. So I'm in good company. God loves me just the way that I am.  People's manipulations are just that and they're petty and silly.

One thing that I've noticed over the years is Christians often shoot their own wounded. I think that is a shame. One reason that I write this blog is so that other people, especially women, can know that they are not alone and that there is Someone bigger than their problems (God) to help.  I write this blog as much for myself as for others. If I wanted fame I would promote the blog but I don't. I have about 10-15 followers and that is pushing it.

Makes me even more determined to keep writing my book because I have a lot to say and a voice to say it finally. I know who I am in Christ and want others to know who they are too. Perhaps I will spend less time on the burgeoning business and more time on the book. Ah but it's all so fun!

Tonight I leave you with this. When "life" beats you down, get up. When someone laughs at you, walk away. When someone hurts you, forgive them. Even if you have to forgive them every single day for the rest of your life. 70 x 7 to the extreme. For some circumstances forgiveness is something you give another on a daily basis.  Holding onto hate will just rot your insides and make you miserable and who wants to live like that? I sure don't!

Tonight I let go, I give it all back to God (and there is a lot), and I choose to forgive.

Credo

Another very productive day. Even got the dog washed today! Man alive he must have rolled in mud when I wasn't looking. It was funny. Giving a retriever a bath is like giving him a present. It was sweet. Now the slightly damp dog is laying under my right elbow, cuddling. It is quite sweet.

Was able to get a lot of things priced today which was good. Snagged a nap which is always a nice thing on my weekends by myself.

Missing my little people something fierce. When they are not home with me I miss them more than life itself. Hopefully I will get to talk to them on the phone tonight. I need to hear their little voices. It's a mom thing. Something about hearing their voices every single day allows me to relax, to know they are safe and sound even though they are not always with me.

Spent some time talking to a friend and her words of wisdom and encouragement were just what I needed to hear. There is nothing like the kind word of a friend or confidante in order to battle what we're going through.

Today I am thankful. I am thankful for my life. I am thankful to be free. I am thankful to be able to make my own decisions. I am thankful to be me and to know that who I am is who and how God made me to be. Not that I am anywhere near perfect. God works on me each and every day and has for the past few years especially. I am stronger than anyone anticipated except maybe my mom who knows how stinkin tough I am.  A month after divorce papers were filed, my mom gave me a Christmas ornament that was hand-carved and titled "courage" because she said that I have more courage than anyone she has ever known. I cherish that little statue and have it in my kitchen to remind me of who I am in Christ and what is possible with His help.

I'm most thankful for my children. They are: wonderful, artistic, sweet, thoughtful, generous, emotional, sensitive, and just the most amazing of gifts. Children are gifts from God that we parents get to care for but they are His. Always and forever. It is a pleasure to be their mother and it is what keeps me going day in and day out.

So this single mom is keeping her eyes on God, the author of my faith, the One who keeps me, the One who has forgiven my sins and is forgiving me daily for them as I do them. The Bible says and it's my favorite verse "As far as the east is from the west, so far He has removed our transgressions from us." I have made my peace with my Creator for my life and my choices (both good and bad) and have taken responsibility for them.

I am no longer the person I once was. Sure, there are parts of me who are the same but if anything I am more like the person I was before I got married. Hard to explain. I got lost for a while but I'M BACK and I'm not going anywhere. I like who I am today. I like the person Good is making me into. I like the person I already am. God says that I'm beautifully and wonderfully made. I believe that and tell my children that almost every time I see them. I want them to know who they really are in Christ.

This was longer than I had planned, must have had more on my heart than I realized at first.

Productive Day Today

I've had such a productive day today! Which was nice! I got some things done that were needed and some things I hadn't planned to work on.

I even got to talk to a good friend who had some good things to say to me. I am thankful for his friendship.

Tonight I am at peace.  Now I'm just hanging out watching some tv which is fun. Work is good but everyone needs to take a break and relax.

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday where we celebrate our Lord's resurrection. Without the resurrection, it is the whole point of the gospel.  Because He rose again, we have that ability when we die if we know Him. What an amazing gift God gave when He allowed His Son to take the sins of the world on Him!

Happy Easter everyone!

So tired

I'm just so tired. Exhausted. Made it through another day, intact. That is always a bonus.  

Learning that people fail you. Over and over again. It is hard to trust, even with friends.  I trust my children, and some of my family. It is too bad it is this way.  My trust was utterly broken and betrayed when my ex-spouse no longer wanted to be married to me.  Frankly it has not been intact ever since. I've become self-reliant in a way while still knowing that my very breath comes from  God and that I control nothing.

I feel like I learn the same lessons over and over and over again. Perhaps that is life. Perhaps that is the Christian journey. Perhaps I am just dunce. Perhaps.

My life feels like it's spinning out of control a little bit and I'm in that space where all you have and all that you can do is trust God, with everything in you.  He alone is trustworthy.

So tired. This gal's calling it a night.

Night all.