OG, EG

My hands shook as I turned the key into my apartment.  You see, I just got home from being out.  I was just at a location where my heart got broken a while back, just one of the many times.  You see, today I saw the place where my husband told me that he "wasn't ready" to hold my hand.  I'll never forget it as long as I live.  Today I sat in my car, the power of the place washed over me and down my cheeks as the tears fell.  I mustered up the strength and walked around it to go into the building I had come to see.  

On my way out the tears were flowing down my face.  I almost walked around the spot where he had told me that.  I wanted to not feel it, to avoid it.  Who would blame me?  Then, a moment of courage flowed from Heaven and my feet began walking.  Closer, closer.  Do I dare?  Then I realized that if I am to take my power back I had to walk over the spot of my pain.  Closer, closer.  There, I've done it!  Tears readily flowed down my face.  I'm not sure but my head might be a little taller than it used to be.  

What seems like endless pain and hurt must be making me into something new.  I choose to believe that God is making me into something beautiful.  Or that maybe I'm already beautiful and He's just tidying up a bit.  

Hard to Invision my Future

Most of you know that I am unashamedly a Christian.  I believe that God is good, but I'm sure that I'm not the only one that wonders why He doesn't act like we want Him too.  Okay, pick up your chin from falling open, I know.  I've just said what we've all felt over the years.  I mean, isn't the question we all want to ask is : where is God when it hurts?  Why doesn't He fix it?  I mean, we all know that He is good.  Why couldn't He change the heart of my husband?

There, I've vented.  Having said that, I do not feel any better.  I know that God cares for me.  I've seen it in the past.  Over and over again.  But I feel like in the situation that meant the most to me, He seemed noticeably absent.  I'm mad that I have lost my family.  Or the family unit we once had.  So I sit here, alone, instead of in the arms of the one I used to love.  Where did it go wrong?  Where do I go from here?  

Everyone says I'm doing good and I am, for the most part.  For some reason, Saturday nights are hard for me.  It's then that I feel the most alone.  I also know that even though you might feel like it, no one ever died from being alone.  I know that I am never alone.  It just hurts sometimes.

Another Week

Another week has passed.  I'm another week older and I hope a lot wiser.  I am feeling stronger than ever, tough to the core.  It feels good.  Today is a big day at our house and I'm looking forward to it.  I can't wait to see the girls and have them here with me.  It's the only time I feel "home" - when they are with me.  

This morning, trying to get ready for today.  Getting the house ready.  Realizing that it won't be perfect.  Struggling with that fact.  Not sure where the need to be perfect comes from.  Probably a LONG time ago.

Still have an errand to do for today then it's GIRLS.  yea!  My best time of the week.

Mourning My Dreams, Dreaming New Ones

Hug your family tonight.  If you're married, grab your spouse and tell him or her how very much you love and cherish them.  Live life like there is no tomorrow because we're not promised a tomorrow.  Sing to your children.  Cherish them and savor your time with them.

Months ago I had a family of my own.  Now I don't.  I still have my children but I do not have a husband anymore.  My heart breaks because of that.  Sure it wasn't a good relationship toward the end but it wasn't always like that.

Tonight I'm mourning the death of my dreams for my life and for my future.  For a long time I just felt empty, without vision and without dreams for my future.  Then sometime along the way slowly God began to give me new dreams. They are still being revealed but I don't have that horrible feeling every second of every day anymore.  I do have it, just not as much.

Tonight my heart hurts for my loved one, my once husband.  I know he is hurting and I pray for him too.  Pray for those who persecute you the Bible says.  I mourn the loss of our love.  The beautiful love we had when we married.  I mean, he was my best friend.  Now I don't have that anymore.  

I'm so tired.  And it's a tired that I've never felt before, an all-body, heart sick, broken heart tired.  Somewhere under all of this I still trust God although I don't understand His ways or His plan right now.

Armed with the Armor of God

Today I felt so protected by God.  I have heard of people say before they could feel people praying and I always thought they were a bit crazy.   Until today.  I could feel prayers....and felt like God was watching over me, protecting me in a very real way.  Found out some old friends had been praying and that was so nice.  

What a day indeed!  Dealing with issues of the divorce were hard.  Hard was an understatement but now it's over and I'm feeling tired but strong.  God cares for me.  He's forgiven me my sins, as far as the east is from the west.  I am a new person, a new being.  And I have a future.....

a good future.......come what may.

It's not my Fault anymore

I am not the problem.  And I'm tired of being blamed for things that are simply not my fault.  After a real and genuine phone encounter with one of my girls in which she opened up about her feelings, my heart was sad for her.  She had gotten in trouble and gotten her feelings hurt by her dad and I was listening to it, trying not to judge him while listening.  Knowing there are usually two sides to kids' stories.  

So, wanting to make sure she was okay I asked to talk to her dad.  He then said she only gets like that when she's on the phone talking to ME.  The same old hurtful words coming out of his mouth, aimed toward me, aimed at my heart.  I have to let it go but first I needed to write about it!  

I'm letting it go.  I don't need his validation anymore.  I am living and acting right and being a great mom and I don't need any more of his mind games.  I wonder where we derailed.  I know that I am not the total cause of our divorce.  It took two people to break it.  It is not my fault.  

Choices

We all have choices in life.  I mean, yes, I believe in pre-determination.  But we still get choices....at least they are to us!  

I've gone through the gamut of emotions over the past many months and even just this past week.  I've gone from grieving to anger and back.  I'm realizing that I have a choice in how I react to this.  Sure I'm angry but if I STAY angry then the enemy wins.  Not just the "enemy" here on earth, also the enemy Satan.  

I keep coming back to the fact that I want to honor God.  I'm not sure how this situation honors God because right now I'm frustrated and mad at everyone and everything.  Perhaps I can pray for the strength to honor God in my situation.  

First we make the thought, THEN we have the emotion.  We are not prisoners of our emotions.  I've learned that the hard way!  :-)  I just want to be an honorable mom who teaches her girls how to be honorable women.  Oh how inadequate I feel for that task but I serve a very adequate and perfect Savior.   And I'm not alone.  I might be the only person in the room and in my house at this point but I am never alone.   I'm not alone.  

I'm not being selfish but I really want my children.  Frustrated at the way they are being raised, treated and think that it is not in their best interest.  I want them here with me.  I told X the little one had allergies and I gave her something for it.  He barely even paid attention to me.  I'm tired of being marginalized and ignored.  I'm through with him and with the way he treated me.  

Tried talking to him about this weekend, what to bring, etc.  He ignored me.  He treats me this way all the time.  He makes me feel like *&^).  I'm through with that.  

Beginning to think it is not in the kids best interest to grow up around that.  That's a big thought.  I was always perfectly okay with the idea of 50/50 and now I'm not sure.  Maybe that's just the angry part of me talking.  

How long am I to go on without my girls? How long?  I'm hopping mad tonight.

Something About A Long Day at Work

You know, I just finished my long day this week in which I work both jobs, totally 13 paid hours today.  Not including drive time, lunch and more drive time.  I'm beat tonight but it feels so good to be providing for myself and for my girls.   When I buy them something now it has even more meaning because I know that it took me X number of hours to earn it.  My whole outlook has changed.  

Had my first review at one of my jobs tonight and they gave me a whole nickel as a raise!  Ha.  I laughed out loud.  I was performing fine...it was just the 90 day review.  Guess in another year they do another one and the raise can be more.  I thought it was humorous.  It wouldn't even be a cost of living increase.  Then again, it's just a retail gig.  Workers are a dime a dozen, come fast leave faster.  Few stay so why compensate people when there are 10 people right behind them who want a job?  Especially in this economy.  I was just happy that they thought I was doing well.  I honestly didn't think I'd get any money for a raise.  It was funny.

My cat missed me today.  She was so happy to see me tonight when I just got home...she won't quit cuddling.  She's very affectionate for a cat.  I kinda like her.  She's been a good friend to me in the situation that I'm in.  My youngest is over the moon crazy for the cat.  She loves animals like me.  The oldest one likes our cat but not in the same way.  More like her dad in that way.  Funny.  

I feel good tonight.  I'm FREE and it feels good.  Gone are so many things that were not good.  I feel free now, free to be me, free to love my children in the way I want to, free to be the mom I was destined to be.  Free to be me.  This kind of freedom comes only from God.  I'm diggin it.

Someday

Someday I will be reunited with my children again fully.   Someday they will crawl into bed with me in the morning and say "hi mama!"  Someday I will be able to kiss them goodnight, night after night, like I used to.  

God, I am here on my knees, asking for help, pleading for your mercies.  I ask you from the bottom of my heart to heal my little family.  Even if that means being without my spouse.  I want to make a new family, the three of us girls.  

My heart hurts.  God please bring my children back to me. 

Special Time

Yesterday I got to spend special time with my youngest.  We just had the best time.  We colored while listening to Veggie Tales music, were able to just talk together, play outside and have a wonderful time.  It was sublime.  She and I are connected in a way that no one can tear apart.  She said something about a car and I said " X what would you do if you had a car?"  She immediately replied "I'd drive here to you mommy.  I don't know how to get here though."  I said "X my heart would tell you how to get here."  She smiled.  In times like that I know that I've still got their hearts and minds.  God blesses me at least with that!  

Unfortunately she wasn't allowed to spend the night but we still had a great time.  I love being a mom so much.  Oh, I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and for the first time ever she said "I want to be a mommy like you."  What a compliment.