Bent out of shape

This morning I wiped out in the parking lot of my apartment complex. My foot bent backward, toes went in directions they shouldn't. 

Being the tough girl I am I made it to work then left and my dad took me to the ER and dropped me off. Hadn't been at St. Luke's South since my oldest was born. Blast from my past.

Many X-rays later it was determined to be a bad sprain. Glad it wasn't broken but although I have a really high tolerance for pain IT HURTS. Stopped at the Wal-Mart Neighborhood Grocery and got my script for hydro filled. Drove the little cart around the store. 

First pill felt like a couple of Tylenol. Pain was bad so I took the other pill. Three hours later I awoke from my drug induced nap.

Had to cancel getting the girls. I miss them so. Trying to use your left foot to brake while driving on pain meds does not mix well with children.

So I lay here, hoping to make it a couple of hours before I can take the meds and nod off. Praying my chubby, swollen foot fits in a shoe in the morning. Ha

I don't want to sound like a whiner but I hurt.

Out of the Darkness

I wish that I could explain what it is like to live with bipolar disorder. I wish that I could adequately explain it to my girls. I wish that I could openly talk about it with my friends at church without fear of them thinking I am from the looney bin. Been there. Done that. Yes, I've been hospitalized for my bipolar disorder 11 times. Not once. Not twice. 11 times in 10 years.

I'm coming out. God's used this radical thing called bipolar to draw me closer to Him. My life for the past twenty years since being diagnosed has been a series of valleys. Many more valleys than mountaintops. "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil."

Why do churches feel so uncomfortable with the valleys of life and focus do much on the mountaintops? I think that God can use the utter barren valleys of our lives to draw us closer, to reveal something about His holiness to us. There is this amazing joy that's possible right in the middle of the deepest valley of our lives. I know; I've experienced it many times.

Technically I could be fully disabled and not have to work for the rest of my life. I choose to fight. No, it is not easy. Things that are easy for others are very difficult for me. I have very little energy and have to decide how to spend it. I have work, my girls, church and a few friends.  Part of me is crazy self reliant (I'm tough and keep going when others stop) and part if me is crazy reliant on my faith in Jesus to help me make it through each day.

I struggle with depression that would incapacitate many but it is my "normal." It's not my mind, it is my brain chemistry working against me. It is independent of my faith. I have unshakeable faith in my God but I still live in this broken body, this broken vessel.

I wonder how long God will have me here on earth. I want everyday to punt; every encounter with others is a chance to show Jesus to them. The lady in the basement doing laundry...the young man at the Quik Trip this morning. Did my words count? Did my actions today demonstrate my passion for Christ?

Better than a Hallelujah

Late at night laying here thinking, praying for special people in my life. I always wonder how it is exactly when God puts someone on my heart to pray for.  I've learned to listen to the Spirit's promptings and go with it.

We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody. - Amy Grant "Better than a Hallelujah" the honest cries of breaking hearts.

I know that my God works with broken hearts. You see I've had my heart broken so badly that I used to not want to live. The despair I felt led me to the end of myself and quantum leaps closer to my Lord. It was deep in the despair that I met God on a level I did not know was possible this side of heaven.

My journey took me through addiction, an abusive marriage, a divorce, failed health and more than one trip to the hospital for severe depression. Why don't people in the church talk about this stuff? I would wager that there are many, even within my own church tonight, who are struggling to hold on.  Why do Christians often shoot their wounded? 

I believe a lot of Christians and churches shoot their wounded because they are unwilling to look at pain, unwilling to admit that we don't have all the answers to the hurt we encounter down here. Yes we have the Bible but even it is silent about some things. Some parts of this puzzle we live simply won't be revealed this side if heaven.

So we live with a partial disconnect, a realization that we were not made for this world and that we won't know WHY to a lot of questions of our faith until we fall into the arms of Jesus.

The closer I know God the more questions I have.

Taking Good Moments when they come

Okay I think every mom in the world can relate to this.  You have a big, full day either at the office or at home, you come home.  You're tired.  You want to zone out.  Plug your kids in and just relax.  But you don't.  You choose to be engaged.  You choose relationships with each other over technology.  If you don't, you should.

I'm personally glad that at my house the only technology available to my kids is my iPhone and frankly sometimes I wish that I didn't even have a data plan for that.  Last night one of my girls was showing me the newest app she was into.  I finally just said "hand it over, we're turning it off for the night."  We then proceeded to have a tickle fight and draw people's faces on belly buttons.

There are days when I don't feel good, God knows they are often.  Having bipolar is not an easy thing but it's part of what I am, it's this thing that I have and it's not going away.  I've come to grips with that a long time ago.  When I was first diagnosed I was bitter, resentful and just plumb mad that I had this thing.  I remember the first thing I asked the doctor after he told me was "will my children someday have this?"  He said, well, we don't know for sure but it tends to be genetic.  For a girl who grew up wanting children from the time I was very small this was a hard pill to swallow.

I carried both children through very very difficult pregnancies, fully medicated (which was a risk but the risk of my NOT taking the  meds was worse).  Every day from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed I spent vomiting.  And then sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night to do the same.

Not fun.

Being a mom who has bipolar disorder is just one facet of who I am.  Sometimes it sneaks into my life more than I'd want it to and when that happens I remember to give myself grace.  To cut myself some slack.

Grab your good moments.  Take advantage of them.  I don't have extended periods of time when I feel good so when I do I rejoice and just enjoy things as they come.  The rest of the time it's a bit (a lot) of a struggle but we weren't promised this life would be easy.

Keep on keeping on!  Until next time,
Bipolar Supermom

New Job: Amazing Gift From God

Last week I got a call from a recruiter, out of the blue, and they had a job opportunity they thought that I'd be a good fit for.  I went to the interview and the next day had a written job offer!  I start next Wednesday at my new job.  I'm so excited.  It was neat to see God arrange the whole thing in my life.

Tonight is spaghetti with meat sauce night.  Very exciting life I have!  Sometimes I like that life has gotten more simple than it used to be.  I'm actually really thankful for it.

Until next time...

Bipolar Mom: Little (and BIG) Joys

I have learned over the years to take every day as a gift from God.  Part of this is learning to trust Him for my everything.

Today I wanted to write about the things that bring me great joy:
1. cicadas - when I hear cicadas in the late summer and fall I am transported back to my childhood when I'd lay in bed and listen to the cicadas while I fell asleep.

2. Waking up early - I've always been a morning person.  My favorite time is Saturday mornings, before the world wakes up, it's dark outside.  I open my porch door to let the fresh air waft in and sit there, pray and sometimes make my grocery list and plan my day (especially if I have my girls for the weekend).  I make my meal plan for the weekend too.

3. Snuggly children.  I have one daughter in particular who has always been my "leaner".  Since she was little, she was always sitting or standing next to me, leaning on me.  This morning I woke up early and she had burrowed her way and was snuggled up next to me in a ball under the covers.  It was so sweet I just laid there and watched her sleep.

4. Cooking!  I love cooking with a passion.  I like to make almost everything and am working this year to expand my repertoire and to have our family try new recipes and new foods.  They need to broaden their horizons.

5. Gardening!!!!!  This is my ultimate hobby.  I used to have a lovely home and had a wonderful garden.  I did it on a budget (only flowers, no food other than chives).  I have a book of perennials and know most of the latin names for plants and bushes.  Someday I dream of owning a home for my girls and I and I intend to create a backyard (and front yard) oasis of blooming wonderfulness!

Those are just the things that I can think of off the top of my  head.  What are your favorite things?

Bipolar Supermom: Worship of Asking God

A couple of weeks ago we were studying the Lord's prayer at church.  I really enjoyed the service and it got me thinking a lot.  Although I have an active prayer life, I had yet to ask God for help in finding another job.  We studied how just as earthly father's wouldn't give their son a stone if he asks for bread, our Heavenly Father wants to give us good gifts too!  There is something interesting in this concept.  While God is omnipotent (all powerful to you new or not in the faith), He gets pleasure out of his creation (us) asking Him for things.  He can and does give us "our daily bread" (He takes care of our daily needs) but He enjoys us asking Him for things.  I think this is for us as much as it is for Him.

There is nothing like asking God for something then having your prayer answered.  A few years ago, when I had just moved out of my home when my husband filed for divorce, I found myself with a big apartment (2 bedroom), and no furniture.  So the girls mentioned something about a bunk bed so we started right then and there to start praying for them.  It wasn't too many weeks when I got a call from a friend of a friend asking, out of the blue, if I needed a bunk bed!  She had an older one and was replacing it and thought of me.  I was thrilled.  I picked up the bunk bed and hauled it into the girl's bedroom.  Then we three realized we didn't have mattresses.  So began to pray for those.  Then, completely out of the blue, I received a check in the mail from a lady I'd never met (a friend of my brother and sister in law's) for $100.00.  I was blown away.

To make matters even cooler, I had an appointment with my doctor around that time and told him about my husband filing for divorce and he pulled out his wallet and gave me a $100 bill!  I just cried.  God had provided the money we needed to buy two mattresses!

That is a long preface to my most recent story.  I recently prayed for God's help with my job situation.  Although I'm happy to have a job, I'm not making enough to meet my expenses every month and have been living off my savings since I started here.  My boss pulls me into a room the other day and had a sit-down with me.  It boiled down to this. I had worn a dress to the office last week, they were worried I was out interviewing and wanted to tell me they really liked me.  They basically were worried about losing me.  I didn't wear the dress for an interview, only lunch with my two girlies.  So I was able to tell my boss my financial situation, told him what I need to make and the range for other people who do jobs like mine.  He gave me many compliments and then told me he'd take it to the owner for consideration.  I'm not sure what will happen if anything but it was rather cool to see God's hand in all this.

We serve a big God.  I'm not saying He's going to give us everything we ask for.  That's not Biblical.  He does promise to care for us each and every day and to provide for His children.  He takes job in us asking Him for help.

I'm going to change the way I pray.  You never know what God has planned for you.  He promises to make all things come together for good for those who love Him.  That's a promise that I live with and for every day of my life.

Bottom line, God is good.  He wants us to ask Him everything that's on our hearts.  He knows what we need even before we ask for it.  He is beyond time.  He's always been....past, present and future.  He always will be.  Wrap your head around that today.

Bipolar Supermom: Praying for your Enemies & Forgiveness Thoughts

I've been working on the concept of forgiveness for quite a while.  I've known in my heart that I was called to forgive someone who hurt me deeply.  Instead of following God's plan I held onto my grudge, feeling miserable and making myself sick in the process.  I knew that I had to let go but I just couldn't.  Or wouldn't is a better way to put it.

It's easy to forgive your friends and family.  Forgiving your enemies takes a lot more work and faith in God.  A few months ago I was able to give a hurtful situation and forgive another person (although they had not requested it).  I'm moving on.  I still have to re-forgive...after all, doesn't God call us to forgive 70 x 7 times?  I mean, it's obviously a process in some cases or else he would have said do it once and it's done.  When the "perp" does it over and over, I sometimes daily  have to re-forgive this person.

It's amazing what it can do to your heart when you take time out of each day to PRAY for your enemies.  It's hard; sometimes feels odd but ultimately the process will help set you free.  I started out praying for the desire to pray for that person.  I wasn't ready to pray or forgive them.  That lasted a WHILE.  Then I was able to pray for him.  Now I pray for him *almost* daily, certainly regularly.  I hope that God changes his life like God has changed mine.

God's took my broken heart and is mending it.  It's nothing sort of miraculous.

God's good.  All the time.

Bipolar Supermom: Silence is Roaring

The silence here is roaring. I don't have the kids this weekend so it's just me, myself and a couple of kitty cats. They're fine company but they don't talk much! ha

This morning I woke up feeling good. Am excited because I am going to brave going to church by myself this morning. I'm hoping to find someone I know to sit with but if not I don't mind sitting by myself. I usually sit in the first three rows so that I can pay attention.  The last few times I've been I've forgotten my Bible so today that is my mission: remember my Bible!

Taking the camera with me so that I can go play with it on the way home. I should bring the manual.  Well about time to go. Don't even know why I bothered posting. I had nothing to say.

This morning I'm just happy that I feel good. I'm happy that I feel good enough to brave church by myself. My way of dealing with the roaring silence is to go where people are...church!

Bipolar Supermom: Tide is turning or Bowling me over, not sure

Good day to you all, my few followers! I just had a great weekend with my children. We had ups and downs, laughter and tears. It was all endearing. I'm realizing that puberty might be hitting one of mine a little early....which means that I'm going to need to be doing some reading so I know how to manuever this period of my life.

I've had a bit of a wild week. A week ago I was in the hospital because I was not feeling well.  I spent about 6 hours in the ER then they let me go home. The next day I spent going from doctor to doctor.  All to find out that all looked well but I have to go back to the doctor today for a follow up appointment to figure out why I am so out of breath all the time. (this is unusual for me, even at this weight).

Laughter

This morning I realized that I don't laugh much anymore. Three years ago this week my ex spouse told me he had filed for divorce and frankly, before then even, there was no laughter. There was lots and lots of hurt and hurtful actions and words.

I want someone to laugh with. I want to giggle, throw my head back and guffah with someone who means the world to me. It's been too long since I have really laughed like that. I want to laugh. I want to have fun. I want my life back. It's time. I'm tired of mourning what I had. I'm done with that. I'm done with him. He has taken too much of my mind over the past decade and now it's time to be me again.

The me who loves to shop, loves cool shoes, loves photography, loves her children, loves life. I miss that girl. Maybe she was just in hiding and it's time for her to reappear.  Maybe it's time for her to heal.

I took off my ring that my ex-mother in law gave me and was stuck on for years. I pulled it off and exclaimed outloud (rather loud) "I'M FREE!" then laughed! I am free and the only thing holding me back is the "tapes" from my ex that run continually inside my head. It's like I've spent the last three years in therapy trying to erase the tapes. I am not who he said I was. My self worth comes from who the Lord of the heaven says I am and God almighty says that "I am beautifully and wonderfully made."

So here I sit. I can sit and mourn what is already gone or I can begin to live again. The second one scares me to death but it is the second one that I choose. I choose it for me and for my children. I choose to be happy. I choose life. I choose to laugh. Maybe one day I will meet someone who will make me laugh.

Pray

Tomorrow morning I am going into the hospital for a treatment for my depression that frankly is a little scary and very controversial. I've had good luck with it recently (thank God) so we are going to do it again. Please lift me up in prayer and my doctor and his team as they work on my treatment.

Other than that, life is just sort of plugging along. It feels like the world's longest week. Each day has seemed to last an eternity plus I've been really tired struggling with some depression. I've gone to bed early each night to give my body the rest I need to combat what my physiology does to me with this bipolar disorder. Rest for me is my key tool in my toolbox. Along with a really really great doctor that I can't go on enough about. I'm so thankful for him and his wisdom over the many years that he's been my physician.

So wish me luck er I mean, pray for me as I have a big day planned for tomorrow!

Cheers!

Seek God

I like how God uses "little" things to remind us of Him. Take tonight, as I drove home from a meeting, he put on the most unbelievable sunset I'd ever seen.  I took a shot. Unfortunately it won't let me upload it.

Today I went to work for a couple of hours then had to come home because I was so tired and dizzy that I could barely function. I came home and slept about 4 hours without any medication. I was tired. I then ran an errand that needed doing and enjoyed the air conditioning.

Tonight I'm thankful that my kids are doing so great in school. I'm thankful that I did get to spend a half hour or so with them. We had a school meeting tonight so I didn't get my parenting time. My parents were gracious enough to watch them and take them to dinner. They seemed to have fun.

My words of wisdom tonight are to encourage you to seek God. He wants to be found by us. Seek Him and you will find Him.  Make that your mission tonight and in the days to come.

Thoughts on July

This past month of July was one of the most trying for me in some time. A lot I am not able to talk about but I can say that I was hospitalized for most of the month and it was hard, and at times, scary. I emerged though, feeling absolutely great, and the happiest that I've been in years. That to me is a major miracle and I'm thankful to my God and to my doctor, Dr. Cole.  He knew exactly when to do what at the right time and we did what he recommended and it WORKED and I feel great. That is the short version.

I have struggled with depression most of my adult life or all of my adult life. I wonder sometimes if I could wave a wand and not have it if I would. I don't know. I hate having it but I do strongly believe the struggles I undergo and have undergone have made me into a person more like God and that makes me really happy.  

So I keep on keeping on. Day by day, sometimes hour by hour.  I follow Doctor's orders to the letter usually and pray to my God who gives me breathe by breathe.

So if you're struggling today know that God is bigger than your problems and if you trust Him, He can help you make it through them. Only He can heal. Only He can be trusted with your wounded heart.

What a week

Well this has been an interesting week. Suffice to say the doc has gotten me on the right meds, I'm feeling better and that is good. I still have some work to do to help myself but now that I'm feeling better that should be no problem.

I need to get rid of a giant tv this week. I should see about donating it.

So much to do, so little time. I do have some time this week which is good. I rather need it to get used to the new medicine I'm to take.

That is life.  Going to go see a movie this afternoon, just sitting around waiting for time to go.  Terribly exciting stuff here.

FB Unfriending

I was recently unfriended by two people. I am baffled slightly at this because I felt like we all had a normal FB relationship. Mostly talk on FB, met one in person, etc. Then boom. Two people who were in my life are now gone. What does one make of this?

One could take it personally but I don't.

One could give it another thought but I won't although I might wonder if I did or said something offensive to this person in order to reconcile with them and mend the FB friendship.

Right now I have bigger fish to fry and although I did notice two defectors I do not plan to hold it against them. They each had their reasons. Someday, maybe they can tell me so that I can learn from them. Or maybe I'm to not know.

Tonight I'm thankful to be here, to be alive, to have little people who think I'm supermom. That is enough for me. And to have furry beasts to keep me company even though they are all sometimes naughty.  One was just chewing on my shoe. My new shoe. He's in the dog house for sure.

Tonight I am hanging onto the people I can count on. They know who they are. They've been with me through the ups and downs of my life, the ebb and flow of my life.

Heck I might clean out my FB friends too! Spring, er, I mean, summer cleaning is underway!

Not gonna just lay down

My ex is not having the kids return my calls on "his" weekends. It's stupid and petty. What a jerk.  He never calls them here on my weekends which I would be fine with. I'm surprised he doesn't.

Whether he plays mind games or not, ultimately I do not care. My God is so much bigger than my ex's petty tactics that I'm just leaving it at God's feet for Him to deal with it.

I had my kids basically taken from me many years ago when I was having a very hard and long depressive spell (they sent them to day care). I then asked for them back when I was feeling up to it and no dice. So the reason I have such distaste for my ex is because he took them from me and did not return them. (no they are not property but they came out of MY belly, not his).

Just frustrated, that's all. Want my babies back with me. I'll do whatever it takes.

Wild Week

After my one good day of feeling good it went back to not feeling good. Again. Getting so tired of this. Wishing my body did not do what it does and that my mind would cooperate and that I did not have bipolar disorder (that is tonight's feelings).

I'm just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. This morning I was able to work on my business and did sell a few items which was nice. I still have a long way to go to pay back my own loan to my business that came from my personal finances.  I prayed about it all this morning, gave the day to God and He blessed it. It was nice. I also decided that I was going to have fun with it because I do love what I do and until today I'd been just not feeling good so what is usually fun was work. That probably translated into not so many sales. Plus I lowered my prices. I've learned the area that I'm selling in just simply doesn't have very good bunches of folks with disposable income in this economy. So I'll adjust to them and to that.

I took a WONDERFUL 3 hour nap. Conked out. I just took my night pills which include a medication which makes me go to sleep and sleep through the night. They will be kicking in soon so this post will be rather short.

The cats are having a fight over the bed. It's a big bed. The little cat is a bully and has gotten the older cat to NOT sleep by me like she always did. I'm mad about it. I did knock the older cat's pillow off. Hmmm. I must troubleshoot problem.

To all you out there, goodnight. Sweet dreams. Count your blessings. Then go count some sheep.
Night.

Yea, a good day

Today was a good day. I actually felt good, all day long. I was a little sleepy at one point but it passed. I was able to do what was in front of me and do it well. I might even have another interview lined up. Woo hoo.

So tonight I celebrate a day of reprieve, a day of feeling good. These don't happen to me very much so it is worth celebrating.

Today I was thankful for my doctor and for my God. They make a good team!

With that I will bid you an early goodnight.

Round Two

Today was round two of visiting my doctor this week. We're trying to get some med issues ironed out and he wanted to see me before he went on vacation next week and he'll be out of the office.  Good news is that he thinks I'm getting better or am better than I was on Tuesday. This is a good thing. We tweeked some meds around just a little bit...but feel like what we have is working finally.  I'm not one of those bipolar patients that takes lithium and is magically healed. I am the ultra rapid cycling kind of bipolar disorder I in case you were wondering. What does that all mean? Google it.....

It means that I struggle to do things a little more than folks who don't have it do. It means my emotions are more intense and more up and down then those who don't have it. It means a lot of things. I'd love to say that I'm spiritually mature enough to be 100% thankful for it but I'm not. I struggle with it. I struggle wondering why I ended up with this thing that isn't curable, only treatable. Why it had to get in the way of so many friendships and ultimately my marriage?

There are some things that I am thankful for tonight. I am thankful to be here, in relatively good health, at my home, sober, sane (mostly), and to be a mom. I'm thankful to be alive. I'm thankful that God gave me the will to want to continue living despite what feels like big obstacles to me sometimes. God uses people, books, the Scriptures, and my doctor to get me through the rough times.

Tonight I'm thankful for my doctor. He gave me a pretty good pep talk for him this afternoon.  We talked for probably more than 30 minutes, he got me all my prescriptions with refills (yeah) and I have to go back in two weeks to check in with him again to see how I'm doing.

My reality: this has been a very difficult two or three weeks. I've had multiple ups and downs, the highs were high and the lows were low. Starting to level off now and it feels good. I'm hoping to NOT wake up at 4 am tomorrow. I'm hoping to have enough energy for what God will put in my day tomorrow.