Aloneness

Being alone is hard.  But then, I've been alone for years.  At least alone in my relationship from my husband.  I miss not having people in my apartment/home.  Being profoundly lonely is no piece of cake.  I mean, I do things with people, have friends, go places, etc.  But at the end of the day I come home to an empty apartment with no one there.  

I do not miss the stress of my marriage but I do miss the familiarity of that other person.  Ever since I was told that he was divorcing me, I feel like I've been in a state of shock.  My life was turned upside down in every way and I'm still recovering.  I wonder how long it takes to "get over" the divorce.  It's been a good while now and although we're not quite divorced I know that it will be some time until I am "over it" and over him.  Then you add in the special circumstances of this situation, who knows how long it will be until I feel "over" anything.  

How long will it take me to heal?  Will I ever be interested in dating, be willing to be vulnerable again?  I feel like I've been hurt in the deepest way possible and being willing to trust is going to take some doing.  There is no hurry.  I mean, I was just rejected by the man who knew me the most.  Sometimes I've thought that if you knew me you wouldn't like what you saw.  That was my secret fear.  Then I got married and I was loved, completely and fully.  Then that person turned on me and although he knew me the most he still rejected me.  I mean, that hurts a girl's feelings, right?  

I'm intensely angry over the situation and there's not much I can do.  Every night I pray and ask God to take my anger toward my spouse away from me.  I pray and pray and pray.  I've taken to immersing myself in Psalms.  I pray them to God, sometimes reading aloud to calm myself.

So tonight I'm not sure of much other than the face that God loves me and that I can be sure of. My children love me very much; that much I know.  

Resolve

Living every day is my way to say to my ex that he didn't win.  I choose to go forth, to move forward, despite my sadness over the death of my relationship.  With God's help I will make my way in this world, serving Him and being the best mother to my children.

Today is a new day, it's fresh with no mistakes in it yet.  Today I work for my children.  Each and every hard thing that I do or go through I think, it's just for my children and then I remember my resolve.  I'd do anything for them.  Suffer any hardship, any pain.  Anything.

Losing Your Husband's Family Too.

You know, when you get married, your husband's family is not really yours.   I was so close to mine and now they conveniently log off when I log on.  Pretend they didn't get my message, etc.  I'm persona non grata.  

When you get divorced it's not just your husband, it's their parents, their cousins, grandparents, aunts uncles, etc.  It's all the people you have come to love.  All their traditions and fun. 

I thought I had it all but it was just a farce.  They are all gone now and my relationships with each of them have faded.

I'm never getting married again.  What would be the point?

Lord, Please

Children soothe my heart in a way that nothing else can.  I had a hard evening and just talking to them made me smile, made the craziness of life simply melt away.  Oh the joy they bring to my life.  Nothing and no one else (down here on earth) has ever meant to me what those kids do.  

My heart longs for them, longs to play the role that I was born to play: mother.  It's all I wanted out of life - to be a mom.  Wondering when and how we'll be together again.  Knowing God knows.  Working toward that day.

Lord, give me the strength.  Fill me with your strength.  Fill me up with You and only You.  I need your Help and your mercy.  Bring my children back to me.   Please.

Hate

It's so hard not to hate. I really hate X right now so much.  Each time I propose time with the children I get shot down.  I am living in a nightmare.  I want my children back.

Not Ready to Move On

I'm not ready to move on and I'm not ready for my spouse to move on either, especially not before we're divorced.  That is a low blow.  I made the decision a while back that I wouldn't date anyone while still married, so as to avoid the appearance of impropriety.  Wish I could say the same of the other person involved.  

I don't think people really just how traumatizing divorce is.  I feel like I'm in shock half the time.  I mean, I'm doing good, making progress and moving forward but it is in spite of incredible odds.  God has given me strength, sometimes just the strength for that day, often just for the moment.  I like the idea of one day at a time.  Sometimes I take it down to the hour, minute, second.  

I feel like I'm waiting for my life to start.  On one hand, it's in full swing, going full force.  On another hand, not having the children around all the time takes getting used to.  Honestly I will never get used to not being around my children all the time.  I am not at all pleased with their absence.  Working to change that is a process.  

I have a dream.  I have a dream for what I'd like my life to be like now that I'm alone and free.  I'm apprehensive about dreaming good things for myself.  I've been hurt so deeply that I used to not think that I deserved anything good.  I certainly wasn't treated with dignity and respect.  I know that I deserve to be treated like a human being, nicely.  I'll tell you what...I will never date a man who teases a lot.  I hate that.  That's how it all starts.  Then the little jabs and zingers.  Then he's putting you down over and over.

I wonder if someday God will bring someone special into my life.  Requirements:  must love kids, kittens and me above everything else in his life, except God.  Must treat me like a queen.  Must be patient with my hurting heart.  Must have similar beliefs in God, marriage, divorce, kids and everything else important.  I'm sitting here thinking that I'm never going to remarry...I'll probably just be old and alone and happy.  I want to be a grandma someday.  

I feel so free.  It's weird to be so happy.  I'm happy even though I'm sad.  I mean, I'm mourning the death of a relationship while being relieved to not be in it anymore.  When the children are with me, I am at home, at peace.  I feel then as if I'm fulfilling my purpose on this earth.  To be their mother.  I wanted nothing more.  I'm such a blessed girl. 

God, heal my broken heart and bring my children to me.

Getting Over

How long does it take you to get over the concept of divorce?  I mean, we're still going through it but I'm not entirely over the thing.  I feel in shock, like I've lost someone to a death.  The only thing is that it happens over and over again, with each time that I see him.  

Right now I can't imagine having a life after this.  I mean, I can't imagine ever falling in love again.  My heart has been hurt so extensively that I'm not sure it will ever recover.  That's just how I feel at this very moment but I believe that God is capable of healing my heart and someday bringing someone special into my life again.  Even thinking about the future, my romantic future, makes me stressed out.  

My big fear is that my current spouse will remarry and his new wife will want to be mom to my children.  I am secretely afraid that I will become obsolete.  I realize this is just my fear because everyone says that I'm their mom and am irreplaceable.  I know the kids too - they are mine.