Trust

It seems that I have more growing to do.  Tonight I realized that I need to work on my sense of trust.  When my husband filed for divorce, my sense of trust was broken to the point that I wonder if I will ever trust anyone that deeply again.  

Then I got to thinking about what things that I could do to re-build this trust, this faith, in people.  I think it's in the little things.  Trusting my friends by telling them my feelings, even if the feelings are hard.  Trusting my family to help me make decisions and to walk me through this horrible time.

So I choose to rebuild my trust in other people one day at a time.  One choice at a time. Today I chose to trust my therapist with some difficult and personal feelings.  Tomorrow, who knows?

Just when I feel like I'm making progress, I am shown just how much I need God.  I need His strength to trust others.  I need Him to give me courage to trust others with my feelings.  I just need more of Him tonight.

An Amazing Day

Today was just amazing.  I barely got into work this morning and my boss asked me to go outside to talk with him while he smoked.  I knew this was good because someone in my department gave his two week's notice yesterday.

Bottom line: I was recommended by my boss and HR for the new position and it was approved this afternoon!  So in two weeks I have a new job with a new raise! 

God is so good.  He is always taking care of me.  It was an amazing day.

Desperate Children

Children desperate for their mother.   This weekend I had my children almost the whole weekend and it was as close to heaven as you can get on earth.  We just spent TIME together, living life.  Making dinner, doing baths, singing to them.  My little one wanted me to sing a special song which I did.  That was really special.  My big one just wanted my time and to snuggle.

I was just made aware of how desperate those little people are for their mother.  I am so happy that I was able to just BE with them.  It was wonderful.  

Lately I've been thinking of how I can take what has happened with me and help other women.  I am not sure what that would take but it appears God has put this on my heart.  I don't know whether this would include joining a group already doing that or starting something new.  I'm leaning toward wanting to start a group for Christians who are in or recovering from abusive relationships.  

So today lots of things to both be thankful for and to think about.   Now to listen for God's voice in my life and to let Him lead me where He wants me to go.

A new lease on life

Tonight as I have my children for the first full weekend in quite a long time (almost a year and a half), I am extremely thankful and better yet - happy.  I had gone so long without being happy that I didn't think happiness and joy were things that I was going to enjoy in this life.  There were times I longed for Heaven over the past few years because I wanted a relief from the serious heartache and abuse that I was undergoing.

So I sit here.  Happy.  I've been happy for a whole week.   I can't remember the last time that I've really, truly felt this happy.  I feel relieved.  Although I know God doesn't desire divorce, I didn't choose this but through this I have been set free.  I am free to be ME again.  And I like ME.  After years of being belittled by your husband, your best friend, feeling that you like yourself again is a major accomplishment.  I've taken a long hard look at myself from the inside out and I've determined that I am worthy.    

There is so much that I have to say but even now I am afraid of my soon to be "ex."  I'm afraid that somehow he will skew my words against me and against my desire to be a good mom.  I guess that I'm saying that a small part of me is still afraid of the control that he used to have over me.  The control was so intense and lasted for so many years that my normal was not "normal."  My normal was a life in a horrible marriage with a man who loved his electronics more than me.  

There is still much anger but I'm letting it go, bit by bit.  Piece by piece I am releasing the toxic nature of my past relationship.  I find myself smiling a lot now, sometimes I catch myself even singing along to the local Christian radio station.  

I do not know what my future holds but I know that so far, God has taken care of me through each step.   I have searched my soul, scoured it from the inside out.  I looked for God when I thought He had left me.  I clung to Him in a way that I have never before.  Nothing in my life until this point had put my soul in such turmoil.  I did not know who to trust and for a while didn't trust anyone, even my friends and family who just wanted to help me.  My sense of trust is not what it was before but I believe that can be rebuilt.  

So tonight I sit here, healing, partially healed but extremely happy.  My children (I call them that because I try to keep this online persona very vague in case my ex reads it....see, even now I still fear him).  My children give me the courage to become a better mom, and a better woman.  I have small people watching my every move.  I so want those kids to look at me and see how God is making me into something beautiful.  Or maybe He is revealing that I've been beautiful all along.

Someday I want to use my experiences with abuse and divorce to help others.  I want to help women who find themselves in a living nightmare.  I want to be the hand of God in their lives.  I'm praying about how He will lead me to do this.  I've already had several ideas; now to just follow Him.

Tonight I go to sleep happy and full of joy.  Thankful for God's comfort.  Thankful for my friends who have listened to me rant and rave on this subject and that.  Thankful for their patience to their very crazy friend.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I'm happy, healthy, and alive and best of all, I get to be their mom. It doesn't get much better than that!

Unbelievably happy

Today I am happy from head to my toes.  Unbreakable, unbelievable happiness that God has seen fit to give me more time with my babies.  My heart has been broken for almost a year and a half and now it's healing.

We had such a great time and this week get to see each other many days.  The children were so happy the other night when I got to tell them that we would be seeing each other more.  One is just excited that she will get to go swimming with me more this summer.   The eldest is just simply HAPPY like her mama.  

God is good, He is gracious and He heard and answered my cries.  I feel like my life is starting again.

Peace

This morning I have peace.  Peace that God will do what God will do with regard to my children.  This week like never before I have to just give them to Jesus and hopes that He gives them to me.  

We had fun yesterday and it was so nice having them here this morning and getting to wake them up.  What joy.  

God please bring my babies back to me.  

I'm a Big Fake

This week has been characterized by great anger.  I'm mad at my spouse who is divorcing me, mad at the lady at the quick store who took my parking spot, and mostly I'm mad at God.  There.  I've said it.  Those unholy words have come out of my lips.  I feel disillusioned and let down.  Disappointed.  I realize that divorce is the result of two people's cumulative mistakes and sins.  Then there is the God who promises to help the helpless and brokenhearted.  Where is that God tonight?  

Where is God when I miss my kids so bad that I sob, tears streaming down my face onto my pillow?  Where is God when I feel that it's too much to bear?  Why is it necessary for me to go through this much pain?  He could spare me but He isn't.  How do I deal with that philosophically?  What do I make of a God who could spare me pain but who seems silent?

I can't even believe that I've uttered these words out loud, or on this digital paper of my blog.  I've shown myself to be a big fake.  Or at least I feel like a big fake today.  Perhaps I'm just being "real", whatever that is!  All I know is that my heart hurts so profoundly that I'm not sure it will ever recover.  I feel betrayed by my spouse.  I feel unloved and unlovable.   I've been cut to the quick.