All Things are Possible

With God, all things are possible. No need to add anything more to that.

With God, all things are possible.

Healing Slowly

Today something in me healed. I'm not sure what it was or how it happened I just know that I feel different. Somewhere along the way I've begun to heal. This weekend went far to help me do that. The love and tenderness and patience of my children toward me humbles me and blesses me.

I love being a mom. I feel like I've just now grown into this job, I've blossomed into this amazing mom that I always dreamed of. Perhaps I always was, I just didn't know it. I think that I've really grown this last year or more.

I can only imagine if I keep surrendering my will to God's what He'll be making me into. A woman after His own heart.

Nothing's impossible for God. I just want to be more like Him.

Happiness, Peace and Rememberance

Tonight I just feel happiness. Spending time with my children is the best part of my life. It is the only time when I feel at peace. When they are here is when I feel "normal." All the rest of the time I just feel like I'm living someone else's life. It certainly is turning out much differently than I thought it would! I've read a Larry Crabb book called "Shattered Dreams" many times over the past couple of years. The concept of the book is that often when are dreams are shattered, God replaces them with new dreams, His dreams. It's very comforting and a good read.

The dream of my marriage is dying and in place of it God is instilling in me a deep sense of purpose in my role as a mom. I have a strong responsibility to them and their future. I feel a bit like I had lost myself for a very long time and that I'm beginning to re-emerge, a much changed woman. God has used the heartbreak of this time to make me more like Him. Each and every day. It used to be that when I would wake up in the morning there was about a half second when I was happy and then it dawned on me the nightmare I was going through. Now my alarm goes off, I throw off my covers, stretch and ask God for the energy for the day. He provides.

In the last year or more He has begun to mend my heart. I have good days and I have bad days just like anyone. The bad days are becoming fewer and the good days are increasing. I'm feeling better and better. Freer. That's really it - I feel free. Free of the hurt that encased my life for so many years. Free to be myself without the judgement of a critical spouse. Free.

This time of my life is about working hard, very very hard, trying to make a difference in my job so that I eventually get rewarded. Wondering every day if I'll make it to the next paycheck, if I'll pay all my bills. Somehow, thanks to some, I am able to pay my bills, pay off the debt I was left with and still have enough to live on. God takes such great care of me.

Tonight I'm just very happy and peaceful. Every moment of stress of the day(s) of this week has melted away and I sit here on my sofa, peaceful and happy because my children are asleep in the other room and in about 5 minutes I am going to lay my head on my pillow and spend some time talking to God.

Then do it all again tomorrow!

Feeling Better

After a period of not feeling good and doing a few rounds of antibiotics, I am happy to say that I am feeling good. A couple of med adjustments have helped me to feel better and more like myself and LESS MEDICATED. A very good thing.

I'm open to change and realize that I'm going to have to. I really need to do a top to bottom makeover. From the inside out.

Today was a good day. Like most days I start slow but am ending well. I am starting to let go of some things in one area of my life but in other areas I struggle. I guess that's the plight of being human!

I feel like things are starting to look up but at the same time I worry. I worry that I'll never make enough money to take care of my kids. I worry that I'll not find the right apartment. I worry that I'll never be able to afford to own a home. My dream that keeps me going is the idea of buying a home for us, the kids and I. A small, modest home that I can take care of and be proud of. I dream of rose bushes and little people, growing up together. All together. Happy. I know that God put this dream in my heart. Now it's up to Him to finance the dream. I believe He's going to provide.

So tonight I'm hopeful for tomorrow and for what it might bring. God is caring for me.

A good day

It's been so stressful lately but today was a good day.  I felt decent and was productive at work.    I feel like I'm slowly getting the hang of things in my department and digging out from the mess the person before me left.

I'm just trying to do my best every day with the energy God gives me for that day.  That is, for me, what being faithful means.  I have to be faithful in the little things.  I also have to learn to be thankful for whatever circumstances God has put me in.  While taking personal responsibility for truly messing my life up and my marriage.  I am willing to take responsibility for my failings but I have already asked God for forgiveness.  He said "as far as the East is from the West, so far He has removed my transgressions from me."  That rules.  In every way.

The reality is that as much as things seem to be falling apart, God is actually blessing me.  I truly believe there is joy on the other side of sadness.  

So tonight I take it minute by minute, then hour by hour, then day by day.  A good friend had to remind me to do that.  Helpful suggestions from afar that I am thankful for.

goodnight all

Sick days and new digs

Today I took a sick day.  I had to have some lab work done so they can find out some things about the way I'm feeling.  It will be another couple of days before my doc even gets the results so it's probably going to be next week before they figure out a plan.  If you're reading this, pray for strength and patience.

Today I did some more research about potential new apartments.  I think that I found one in a decent area in my price range.  I'm really going to have to sit down and budget seriously.   My world is going to change in a few months and I will be left alone to fly.  Fly like the strong bird I am.  I pray that I can earn some more money at my job so that I can provide for my family and for myself.  

Tonight I am cautiously optimistic and maybe a little excited about my future.  About really truly being on my OWN.  No strings attached.    I want to show my children how to fly.  

Hallmark holidays and deep thoughts of my own

What is today?  After all, it is just a day but it is we who give it more power than that.  It's those of us who are sentimental that take joy in the day.  

I sit here, two years without a valentine of my own, instead concentrating on how to make my children have the best life possible.  Concentrating on their joy.  Course I wasn't allowed to see them today.  Instead we will celebrate on another day but for us it won't matter.  No one and nothing can come between the love of a mother and her children.  If you separate us, it just makes us love even deeper.  

Two hours and this day will be over.  I can put my head on my pillow and this Hallmark card holiday will have passed.  Tomorrow it's back to work and my life there.  So thankful to have a job in these times when others do not.  

Worried this week, not been trusting in the amazing power of my God.  I lost site of Him for a few days and the shadow was dark and it was lonely.  I am reawakening to Him and His special love for me.  I'm rethinking my place on this earth and my purpose in life.  I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I was put here on this earth to be a mom.  Beyond that I cannot think as I have to take what is in front of me right now.  Right now I have children who need my full attention, my full and complete love.  Maybe someday there will be love for me but I am so far from that.    In order to move toward love in the future I will have to let go of the love of my past and I just can't do that.  Many say, move on.  He isn't worth your thoughts and they would be right.  Still my thoughts are sad tonight.

Be still my weary heart.  My God, strengthen my heart and my will.  Make me a mom who is passionate in her love for her children.  Make me into a better me.  Make me more like you God.