Be thou my Vision

Struggling today. Health problems getting me mentally down today. Physical sickness wears my soul out.

Tonight I'm feeling profoundly alone. I miss my children intensely. They miss me. I listen to them and their feelings. I know they are mourning the loss of their mom. One of them told me last night "I wish you didn't have to live at the apartment, mommy." I hear this type of thing often and it rips my heart right from my chest. It makes me sad and then I get mad - mad at their dad. Then I wrestle with my anger and realize that I do not want to live with anger any more and let it go.

Thankful it's the weekend and I pray that I am able to sleep and to truly rest. My body and soul both crave rest. God's rest and peace.

Today was stressful and I'm worried about some things that I can't talk about on here. It's hard to trust.

Today is a drop in the bucket of a lifetime of adventures. Some are good, some feel bad, but all are memorable. God has His hands on my life and on my heart. I believe that God can heal my heart. I pray for that God will work His work in me, whatever that might be. I'll be honest, there are some days and I think to myself that this God I serve does not make sense. But there's just something about this Jesus character that makes me drop it all, let it all hang out and follow Him. Following Him has led me here to this very spot and this very moment in time. My entire life is known by Him, he planned it - each and every day. Think about it people - God knows when a sparrow falls from the sky. Can you imagine how much He care for us?

Tonight although my world seems unknown and my future scary I keep following Jesus. Trusting Him with my heart and with my life. Be thou my vision O Lord.

Getting Sick I think

Really dragging today. This morning I woke up with a sore throat, hoarse voice and aches and pains. I SO did not want to go to work today but I have to take off a couple of hours here and there over the next few weeks. Need to show that I'm fearless at work. Must keep ahead of it all....at the head of the pack.

Tonight it's about taking care of ME. I just want to relax and be a vegetable and sit in front of the tube.

Not feeling so good the last couple of days. I'm so hoping that I was going to continue feeling good. I'm hoping and praying that I can continue feeling good.

Watching Dr. Oz. Oprah's boy wonder. He's amusing. I guess that I'm having a girl's night in. Just me and the furry creatures.

Is Life what you make it or is there more to it?

Life is what you make it. That's the popular philosophy but I don't really believe it to be true. Not sure I can reconcile my views on predestination with the idea that "life is what you make it." ha.

Life is what God gives you. Each and every day He gives you a new day, with no mistakes in it yet. A clean slate every day. One of my favorite verses is that "as far as the east is from the west, so far He has removed our transgressions from us." When the guilt threatens my sanity and peace, God reminds me of that. He reminds me that His blood has washed me and covered my sins. He took my place. Think about that. REALLY think about that. Blows your mind, doesn't it?

There are days when I tire of being "brave" and just want to fall apart and sometimes do. I do know that I have little people who watch every move I make and every word I say makes an impact on their lives. What a treasure to hold in your hands.

God is good no matter how we feel about it, about life, about our circumstances. Bottom line, He's in charge of this thing called life, this wild and crazy adventure that sometimes makes me crazy and other times humbles me.

I have this amazing calling. It's nothing new but I am taking it way more seriously these days. It's about my job being a mom. I have to teach them how to live life. How to love God and how to love one another. Ultimately I have to teach them how to love their future husbands. Now that is humbling as I do not feel qualified to teach anyone how to love their husbands. I do know that I loved mine more than I ever thought possible and mourn the loss of our relationship each and every day.

This week I've felt very human. I've had lapses in judgement at work one day that was unlike me. My big mouth almost got me into serious trouble at work. Luckily I stopped before I said what I wanted to. I really enjoy what I do; it feels really great to work hard, work overtime a lot and see my paychecks slowly growing. Even with that my thought is for my children. I want to buy them a home so much. I'm praying and have been praying for a long time that God will work that out, some day, some how.

Until then I am happy to sit on my floor with my children and play with whatever we have in front of us. I feel like I've been given a second chance to be a really really great mom and I'm taking it all in, thankful for every day with them. Thankful for the extra time that I have with them.

I'm learning to like myself again and I don't mean that in a snobbish way at all. For so long I hated myself....my self esteem had been whittled away by someone I cared about deeply. With each cutting remark, comment, lack of showing affection, you name it. Each thing went on top of the other, causing hurt over hurt in layers.

I'm a woman with many layers. I thought that I had let my spouse into my inner layer...well I did. Then he rejected me at my very core. It doesn't get much more hurtful than that. So call me an onion and watch my layers peel away. I am becoming a woman after God's own heart. Someday when I get to heaven I want God to say that I am a woman after His heart. I'd like to hear Him say "well done my good and faithful servant!"

So I try to be faithful in the little things. I have learned to live without "things" and be just fine. I have one pot and one skillet and I've cooked a million meals. I've learned to make my own fun and really BE with my kids. Not just entertain them. BE with them. Teach them. Discipline them. Have fun with them.

This was a random post but I just had so many things going around in my head and it helps me to write. Someday I want to write a book. I've got my title. Just need the freedom to do it. I've had several people tell me that I should write, that they enjoy what I have to say. Freaks me out a little bit.

Must wind down now. Goodnight.

Be Still

Had a nice, peaceful day today. Didn't feel as good as I have been feeling.

Tonight I had "therapy" - have I ever told you how much I hate that counseling is called that today? So I went to counseling after work. Big day at work, big day in therapy. Came home, tired, mentally, physically and spiritually. I just turned on my iTunes and am now listening to Steven Curtis Chapman.

Be still and know that He is God. Be still and know that HE is holy. Bow before the prince of peace. Let the noise and clamour cease.

Sometimes when I have hard days I just listen to this song and remember what life is about. What my life's service is about and WHO it's for.

Be still.

Know that He is God.

Be still. Be speechless.

Be still. Be still. BE STILL.

goodnight

The Lonely Person in a Crowd

I can't help it. Every weekend with the children I'm so excited; I feel like my life is normal again, happy even. Then they have to go back to their dads and I'm immediately sad without them. It's like part of me is gone. It's like falling in love and then having that love ripped out of your hands. It's when they leave that the "unwrapped" me comes out. The raw, deeply hurting girl whose heart is still broken over the loss of her marriage. I was made to feel like it was all my fault. For years. Just seeing him tonight was hard. See, part of me misses him and part of me has this broken heart.

I feel like I have to compartmentalize my feelings as a way to deal with them. Especially the feelings of loss and hurt. During the week I focus on work and my time with the children. Then, at other times, in the weekends I allow myself time to think. On Monday nights I continue to "think" and to talk to my counselor. Like clockwork every Monday.

I don't think that I will ever adjust to this divorce. Part of me will always love him. Part of me might always hate him but I hope not. I've been through other periods of my life in which I held onto resentments for years and it took a toll on my health. I sit in church, surrounded by people I do not know, a lonely person in a crowd. I listen to the pastor exhort men to love their wives and I feel like a failure. I hear the pastor's wife talk about loving her husband and I am profoundly aware of how alone I really am.

I like to think of myself as a tough cookie. Over the years I've been through what has felt like one season of hurt after another. Still I cling to God for hope. For He is the only real hope there is, for anything or for anyone. I've been knocked down again and again and I still keep getting back up. Some would call that foolish, others might call it brave. Me, it's just the way it is.

My reality is that I struggle with profound sadness each and every day. I've struggled with depression for most of my adult life. The only real relief I had was when I first got married; I was giddy and happy and in love. Then periods of happiness around the births of our children. Then just long periods of hurt, anger and the most miserable marriage ever. I lived in a loveless marriage for years because I felt like I could not support myself, that he would take the kids, that I wasn't qualified for this or that. I lived domestic abuse. There. It's out there. It's not pretty and it's not popular but it's all there. I was abused by my husband emotionally and psychologically for our whole marriage. This probably sounds horrible but there were times that I wished that he would just hit me, because in my head if a man ever hit a woman, she should just leave. What I didn't realize was that I was living inside a marriage where I was being hit, but on a deeper and more hurtful level.

It still boggles my mind. On one hand I say that I was a victim of domestic abuse but on the other hand it is not what defines me. I cannot let it define me. I can choose to let it change me into a more loving and caring person. The enemy wants to drag me down. How can I BE one thing and then the other at the same time? I ask you. How?

I often feel like yelling. Out loud, about my life and about the demise of my marriage. I want to yell out about how much I hate that my kids are over there with him now and I am home alone. Home in this stupid apartment. I feel like a visitor in my own life.

The emotion passes and I'm here, alone. Trying to decide if I can be alone and be okay. Part of my heart wants to crawl inward and never open up again. Part of me knows that if I do that, he wins. Evil wins. So I sit here at the crossroads between my past and my future. My kids depend on me to overcome what is put before me. So them, I'm their super hero who can do anything and be anything. I feel like a super hero whose cape is torn with jagged edges. My super hero powers are no longer mine.

I want my children to know ME. To know their mom, the good, the bad and the ugly. I want to show them that even though life is hard, God is good and can be counted on. That I can be counted on, for them today and for their whole lives. That is one promise I made when they were conceived, actually way before that. I promised to love them, no matter what, all of my life.

I feel like maybe I've had my chance. Right now I'm focusing on the children and their future. But the selfish part says "what about MY future?" Tonight that's about all the thinking and expressing that I can muster. I'm signing off now. Perhaps next time I will have a more upbeat time. But if you're to know me, you have to know both sides of me. All the sides of me. The last person who knew all my sides rejected me. Beware of what you sign up for!

Friday

Big day today. When I asked my boss for time off for court he gave me the run around because he and this other guy are going to be out of the department and I have to be there. I was only going to be gone for like 4 hours. Geesh. I was hopping mad, stormed off while announcing "Yeah, I'm sorry my divorce is getting in the way of a half day of work." Uncaring man. He called me on it, made me go outside to talk to him about it. I apologized but honestly stayed pissed off most of the day.

Yeah, this court date only has to do with my future and the visitation of my kids. No big deal. In my mind, ten times more important than a stupid day in my department. So he wrote a letter and I submitted it and my attorney is going to ask for a continuance. This will be the second or third one. I'm so freaking sick of it all.

I also was pissed. I show up before anyone in our whole department, take no breaks during my day while they all enjoy their smoke breaks, take half hour lunches so I can keep on top of my work and work overtime at night, all to catch up. So when I ask for 4 hours off so that I can go almost finalize my freakin divorce I would expect a little civility, perhaps even a little understanding. Stupid people. Well if the judge does not continue then I'll take it to the HR department (who is friends with my boss), or maybe my boss's boss.

Can you tell I was a little mad today? I still closed about 4 claims and worked on 3 or 4 new ones in addition to all the other ones I'm processing. I'm probably the best one in our department (after my manager) and I've only been doing it about 6-8 weeks.

Tonight I have the children for the weekend. Fun fun fun. Tomorrow is some event and Sunday we're having lunch with my parents. Should be a good weekend over all. They were so tired tonight. I'm headed to bed in a few minutes too. My new furry friend sleeps with me. I love her so much already.

Changing While Returning to the Girl I was

Today I ponder little people and their role in our lives. For me, "my" little people are gifts sent to my tummy straight from God. They are the joy of my life, my proudest participation in something bigger than myself.

When I was little I would dream of the little people I would have. What they would look like, what I'd be, HOW I'd be, etc. Some of those things have come true....the most important ones. I dreamed of being married to a wonderful man and having these precious little people.

In a few days it will be my wedding anniversary and I'm technically still married and it will be my 2nd anniversary by myself, separated from my husband. Bottom line, there is no silver lining in that cloud. It's just one big rain cloud. I need to think of something that I can do for myself that will help me deal with such a sad day.

I wanted nothing more than to fall in love (which I did) and live with him and have a family for the rest of my life. Then one day, even though I felt like I was living in a complete and horrible nightmare, he decided to file for divorce. My world seemed to end that day. At least that is how I felt.

Today I feel hurt, sad, lonely and tonight I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. It's hard to stay mentally healthy when the person you love more than anything wants to live life without you. And IS living life without me.

Nighttime is hard. I mean, going to bed alone was my reality for years. He moved out of our room probably 2-3 years before he filed. Broke my heart into little pieces. I never recovered from the rejection, the outright cruelness of being ignored. It's probably been 5 years since I held my husband's hand or walked arm in arm. The last hug I got was at my grandma's funeral but it was probably the last time I had a real hug from him.

The last years have been a nightmare. My nightmare and one so personally humiliating and horrible that I never shared with anyone, not even my doctor who I put my life into his hands. It's just now, years later, that I was able to tell my doctor that I felt like I was in an abusive relationship.

It's so hard to say. It's humiliating. I know that domestic abuse happens to all sorts of people in all walks of life. For me, I always thought that I was too smart to let something like that happen to me. The reality is, men abuse smart women. Men abuse women of all walks of life. It was not my fault. I did not want this to happen to me. I felt trapped. I felt like I would be unable to make it on my own. I was petrified, unhappy and stuck. It was horrible. Then one day he told me that he had filed for divorce. Two weeks later I've moved out, picked up my child from school for the last time and a year and a half later I sit here. So much has changed. I am no longer who I used to be in one way and in another I am returning to who I always have been.

And for tonight I must stop thinking or I will not be able to sleep. I have to unplug, to stop thinking. I have to put the sadness away for the night.