Is there a future out there for me too?

Every day when I drive to work I listen to the Christian radio station.  Usually it's just music and the morning show.  At lunch today I went to the grocery store to buy dinner groceries for the family.  Then I parked in a parking lot under a beautiful shade tree and listened to the radio, Bible teaching this time.

I had a horribly hectic day again; it's starting to become busy.  I've got a zillion things in the fire so to speak.  Then my boss hands me a several page report of jobs that need to have chargebacks on.  So I will have to go through each one, determine who was liable for the damage and produce the documentation for it.  I actually am LOVING what I'm doing and I'm good at it.  I guess my boss is getting promoted which will be good for him.  He'll still be over our department and still occupy the cubicle which backs to mine.

People try to move things along fast and tempt you to cut corners but I cannot.  It would be easy to do; I want to give each job my all. I owe it to my employer and the company that I handle their jobs for.

Tonight my body physically battles within itself.  I'm on an antibiotic and I can't hear very well.  My body aches from the inside out, I can tell that I'm bordering on physical exhaustion.  I'm going to need to have some extra sleep this week in order to make it through.   I've learned to be easy with myself, to allow myself an extra hour of sleep if I need it.  That wisdom has come to me the hard way - by being inside a body when I wasn't taking care of her.

I need to figure out how to be healthy.  I haven't been healthy since my second year of college.  I put on weight in college and at graduation I was about 40 pounds or more overweight.  Now I'm a whole lot more overweight and it stresses me out because I'm afraid that I will die because I'm not healthy and then who would protect my children?  I cannot leave them alone.

Today even though it was hectic I still felt "in control" and not stressed out.  I've felt God's peace in a real, personal way.  What a needed blessing.  Like a good parent, God knows what I need before I even know.  It's like that with me and my children.

Watching a show tonight with happy people who love each other equally.  These people want to marry each other.  I sit here and I wonder if there will ever be a future for me?  Will I ever move past this hurt and after the divorce, be able to move towards other people?  I long to have the closeness that a relationship provides: the talking, snuggling and laughter.  I'm afraid that I'll never have that again and that scares me to death.  I'm not prepared for my soon to be ex to move on and date.  I'm sure that I'll have to deal with that soon enough.  Soon being the key word.  I just have a feeling....

Tonight I choose mental peace and some extra sleep.

Busy Monday

Good, nice busy Monday.  Last week or two has been super slow so this is nice.  It is nice to be busy because that gives me a chance to shine!  I'm working so hard, it is a relief to be busy and to not have to think about my life and what is happening in it.  I did cry this morning on the way to work but it didn't ruin my makeup so it wasn't too bad.

No crying on the way home; a definite improvement over the way it has been lately.  The closer the divorce gets the more sentimental I've become and the harder doing this divorce becomes.  I've had to remind myself of what it was really like to live with him.  I don't ever want to feel like that again, no matter what.  Sure, it would be great if we all could be a family again but until God works in him and changes him into someone with a new heart, I can never be with him.  I have to make a life for myself outside of him, without him, maybe and probably forever.  This is not something that I take lightly.  This man is the father of my children.  We've gone through hell and back but I still feel like I'm a little bit in hell.  Tearing apart a marriage, a union both of soul and physical, is messy.  Hurtful.

On one hand I want it to BE OVER.  I want finality.  My brother told me tonight that it's never over.  They are always in your life.  I suppose that is true.   He is the father of the children.

I am tired tonight.  This is gonna be a big week for me and the kiddos.  I am looking forward to it because I know that I'm a strong mama who can handle anything God puts in front of her through His strength.

goodnight all

Unexpected Surprises

What started out the worst Mother's Day yet ended better.  As a surprise, the children and their dad rang my doorbell after I got home from work with presents in hand and an unscheduled afternoon with them.  It was heavenly.  Cold but heavenly.  We went out for ice cream them went shopping.

Took a nap after I took them home.  I sat on my front porch at my old house waiting for their dad to get home, the children and I snuggled in a blanket.  I miss my life immensely and I miss my marriage and I miss my children.

So I came home and took a recuperative nap and it's another couple of hours until Monday morning and the rush that goes with it.

Praying for wisdom to do what is right, no matter how hard, for my family and for me.  Without their dad.  It kills me.  Still, after all this time.

Tonight I am not going to over think it; I'm going to veg out and watch tv and give myself a little grace.  And pray for more mercy and grace from above.

Hurting Heart

Excruciating pain, literal pain being away from my children.  Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I do not even get to see them for mother's Day.  That much I do not feel that I can bear.  He didn't even offer to let me have them and I of course cannot ask.  I will not ask, not because I do not love them, but because it gives him the power to say NO and hurt me.  So I do not ask but it makes my heart so heavy.  Either way I won't have them but I feel like by not asking I am somehow letting them down.

My family is busy this weekend with graduations of loved ones younger.  I feel like I'm totally alone in this world.  In two weeks I go to court and we will be dividing up our world, as my heart is divided now.  I cannot believe this is happening to me.  I still do not want it to happen; I still implore God for mercy and that he would change the heart of the other involved.

Part of me just wants it to be over.  Then maybe I can begin the second part of my life.

My heart is heavy tonight.  Tomorrow I will be a childless mother at church.  Sitting there while the pastor honors all the mothers.  Part of me just wants to stay home and avoid experiencing the pain, to hide, to shield my heart from the hurt.  When does self preservation seem logical and when is it being cowardly?

I have not talked with them in two days and that is making me angry.   Gosh darn it the whole situation makes me angry.  My children were essentially taken away from me and I am not even considered on the same level as the soon to be ex spouse.  We'll see how long that lasts.  I have plans and will be making them or putting them into action soon.

I'm weary.  My heart hurts tonight.

Dog tired

I've noticed that stress is what triggers a whole bunch of other symptoms. I've been a little stressed out lately. Today I worked on one case for 3.5 hours straight. I feel like I did a good job though and presented it to my boss for his approval. Then I tried to work on other things but just struggled to get anything done. Took off a little early today for an engagement.

I called the IRS to set up a payment plan for my taxes for 2009. I didn't plan right and ended up with a big bill. So far I've paid a good amount and I hope to pay it off long before it is due. They were really cool about it.

There are so many things changing in my life that I really have to try to mentally keep my attitude up. Change can tend to stress me out and I know my body well enough to know that I don't deal with well stress.

My attorney stressed me out on the phone; I wasn't ready for her call or to make such big decisions. Going to talk with my brother on Monday about it all.

Tonight I just feel tired. Dog tired. I wanted to go to bed at 7 but thought that a little funny.

Tonight there is a little sadness and some small tears in my eyes.

THIS GIRL

Addicted to Runts. Yep. That's me. I fully and openly admit that I used Runts this week to deal with the pain I'm feeling instead of letting myself really feel it. My divorce is very close to being over and the reality and depth of that situation is beginning to really hit me. I'm extremely sad that it came to this. I miss what I once had; I miss what we wanted; I miss the future we'll never have. I miss the special anniversaries we'll never share. I miss the man I fell in love with. Here I sit, he's most likely seeing someone else by now, even though we're legally still married. I do not know this for sure but it's a good bet. I wouldn't put it past him.

The tears have reappeared this week even though I didn't want them. They came at the worst times....like driving to work, in the parking lot of work, right before work. I dried my eyes on a fast food napkin, sucked in a gulp of air and walked in the door where I poured myself into my work.

Part of me is angry and just wants it to be over. Part of me is the optimist but I do not think there is a miracle for me on this one. My path seems to be headed in a much different direction than I had planned. Single mom. Divorced. Alone.

This is Mother's Day weekend and I don't even get the children on Mother's Day. He didn't even offer to let them spend the day with me. I of course want them but no. Nothing. I'm going to try to just get through the day.

Tonight I had the best time just hanging out with them. I of course can't say what we did because if big brother aka the almost ex is reading he will know who I really am and I can't have that. I need this to be a place where I can express the ups and downs of divorce and motherhood.

Suppose I sound a lot tonight like I'm feeling sorry for myself and you'd be right. I'm openly having a hard day. I feel inadequate, incomplete, unloved, awkward, blind, and a whole lot of other things tonight. Even my boss noticed two days ago that I was really negative. I just told him that I was having a hard day.

I guess the bottom line is that my heart just hurts and there is nothing and no one on earth that can make it better. That's the cold hard fact. Enter in the girl now who has a deep faith in God. This girl knows that these feelings will pass as they always do and that tomorrow is a brand new day with no mistakes in it. This girl knows that God can part the Red Sea. This same God cares about me. He cared enough about me to send his only son to take my place on the cross. To bear my burdens. He sent His only son to die from my sins and the sins of the world. THIS GIRL is the one in charge.

THIS GIRL knows that God has taken away my sin, as far as the east is from the west. THIS GIRL knows that God puts angels around us to protect us and to keep our feet from stumbling. THIS GIRL knows that giving up is not an option. Sure, it's a temptation occasionally but then I'm reminded that God cares deeply about me and about what happens to me. So much so that he knows when a sparrow falls from the sky and he knows exactly how many hairs I have on my head. THIS GIRL has been given a glimpse of God, a taste of God's grace and mercy, and a dosing of His infinite love toward me/us.

THIS GIRL choose hope. Someday when I get to Heaven I want to hear Him say "well done my good and faithful servant." Someday. But not now. Now I have the purpose of raising my children and pouring my life into them. Beyond that I do not know what God has planned for me. Sure, I have dreams for my future, ideas, plans. Right now they seem so far away and impossible. but THIS GIRL knows that with God ALL THINGS are possible.

This is what it is like to be inside my body, the struggle between the depression and the normal. For people who do not struggle with depression, this is one of the only ways that I can demonstrate how bizarre it is to be inside my mind and heart. I'm painfully aware that my brain does not function like others, but I also am solidly aware that I am made in God's image. I'm not sure how to reconcile the two. Other than: it's okay that I am who I am because God made me this way. The tendency I have toward depression is my reality. I'm painfully aware of it as I get up every morning and walk to my kitchen where my medicines and vitamins are. It seems the older I get the more meds I have!

THIS GIRL still believes. I STILL BELIEVE. I will NOT quit.

Change can be good

Hanging out, watching some silly tv show. 24. I'm embarassed to say that I still watch it.

Robin Hood, the movie, with hunky Russell Crowe is coming out soon. Can't wait.

Changing therapists. My old one graduated and is finishing her hours of counseling. New one starts next week. This will be my third one in not quite a year of counseling at this place I go to. It's the first time counseling has ever really "worked"...and it's ironic that it's working now that I'm away from him. (There is no irony with God, just His perfect timing).

Struggling with anger toward him tonight. Over a situation that I can't talk about. But it is hard for me to just relax. I'm ready for our marriage to be over. Now to negotiate our way out of it. My heart will never be the same again. Maybe it's going to heal and maybe I'll get to enjoy a new shot at life. I'm thankful to have this opportunity to do better.....and to trust God with every little thing in my life.

Tonight I'm letting go of my anger. I choose to forgive tonight.