Wax On, Wax Off

Great weekend, had a real blast working on some things again that I haven't done in a long time.  For many years I was told that I wasn't a real X, I just did Y.  This weekend I proved to me that not only am  I good at X, I'm darn good at it!

Being creative was such a good thing for me this weekend.  It was relaxing.  I mean, only doing something that I love could I sit in one very uncomfortable kitchen chair for 13 hours and barely want to stop at the end of that 13 hours.  Plus, I got to work on it some today too.  Not as much as I would have liked but enough.  I plan to work tomorrow on it.

Big week at work.  Big week in personal life.  Big week in general.  I took some time for myself today and took a nap and it was so refreshing.  I felt so much more at peace after that and could start back in on my work.

This might sound funny but I totally want to see the new Karate Kid movie with Will Smith's kid in it.  Looks great.    I had planned to go to a movie yesterday but got wrapped up in stuff, then today took a nap through my window to go.  Oh well.  I can do it again in two weeks.

So tonight I pray for peace from God.  That He will send His angels down to guard over my steps, my walk and my words.  I pray for wisdom with this big week coming up.  I need courage to say the truth, even if that means saying things that are hard to say, hard for some to hear and just hard.  I will not be bullied anymore.  I am ready to tell what I need to say, what happened to me and who did it to me.  That is the scariest thing in the whole world still.  That's how powerful abuse is.  That person's still inside your head years after they're gone.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  Old matra.  Same message.  Still relevant.

Now I unplug.  Unglue myself a little from the web.  Concentrate on people I love, friends I care about and pray for my children.

Unplugged Plugging

Unplugging myself.  Plugging in the ole laptop.  Bedybytime.

Night night all

Trust destroyed Then rebuilt, slowly

I had a pretty good day and a pretty good evening but it's hitting me again hard.  The loss of my husband is devastating and I'm sad.  I'm very very sad.  I do not miss the way he treated me.

I miss the dreams I had.  I miss the plans we shared.  I miss the future we had hoped for.

Then God moved a different way.  I feel like I've been rescued from a really bad place and been given a chance at a life.  A chance to maybe be happy. God continues to move in my heart.  Most of the change that has happened is also accompanied by many, many tears.

I loved passionately and completely and was rejected.  There is no other way to say it.  I can try to look for the lining in the clouds, but there is not a silver lining.  There is just tears.  Many many tears.  Dreams that have died.

Slowly, ever so slowly God has been healing my heart.  He's preparing me for something or someone I'm not sure.  Part of me wants to hide from life and avoid people, thus keeping myself from getting hurt again.  I know that is not what  God wants.  He keeps bringing people into my life, one at a time, building a network of people who I like and can someday trust.

What people don't realize is that divorce totally destroys your sense of trust in people.   I'm not sure when that is going to be returned.  It's starting, that's about all I can say.

I'm thankful tonight, even though it's dark it's not nearly as dark as it used to be.  I have hope.  It's guarded but I do have some hope.  I have my children.  At least I have their hearts even if I don't have their little bodies here all the time.

God put a vision in me.  Clear as day, down to what my sidewalk would look like.  I have something to hold onto  (other than God!).  I have a new vision for what life can be like.  I can work hard and maybe make some sort of life along the way.

I'm so tired of being lonely.  I need to quit writing because it just brings more tears.  I cannot breathe from all the crying of the last half hour.  God I need your gentle peace.  The peace that passes all understanding.  I am asking you, now, Lord, to bring some peace to my life if that would be your will.

Worship with Tears

Another long day.  I got some good overtime today, maybe 1.5 hours at 1.5 times my normal rate.  That will help the tax man who I still owe!

Talked to my dad tonight, that always makes me happy.  Talks with him keep me going when I feel down. I'm so fortunate to have my dad (and mom).  As I get older they seem to mean more and more to me.  My dad has taught me how to be tough.  How to be gentle.  How to be well, me!

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has me right where He wants me.  There are days when I am happy about that and there are days when I am angry about where I am.  I'm just being honest.  This is NOT where I had myself pictured; in fact this is as far away from what I had planned.  I trust Him enough to just "be".

My heart struggles each day; I miss my children in a way that no one should have to deal with.  Somehow in the middle of this I've become a tough cookie!  Actually I have always been a tough cookie.  When you hear about all the wild things that God has brought me through, even I am amazed and I am the one who has been through this crazy journey.

I'm still absolutely worn out; I need to do basic things like clean house, do laundry, etc.  I'm just sooo tired at night.  Work is very stressful right now; I have to keep up, be one step better than the next guy.  It's hard.  There are days when my thoughts are only on my children and on my life outside of work.  The way I choose to look at my job is this: "do all things heartily as unto the Lord."  So I am in a job where I'm underpaid but I do it every day because I do it unto the Lord.

My worship on Sunday is often in tears.  I sit and listen in church and I sit and I cry.  God is clearly moving in my life.  I need to listen for him.  "Be still and know that I am God..." He says.  Be still.  Be still.

Trying Times

Trying times.  This weekend about did me in.  I went into it sick and had to go to several functions this weekend.  I'm so tired.  Tonight I dropped the children off at their dad's.  I'm sitting here and I literally think that I could pass out I'm so tired from poor sleep, stress and being sick for three straight months in a row.

Work is stressful and sometimes I feel that I'm at wit's end.  I miss the give and take of marriage; the long discussions about our future.  Now I feel like my future is tenuous at best.  I never worried about my future before when I was married because I knew my best friend had my back.    Turns out that's not true.

I have been left with treasure though.  Not hidden, just wonderful.  Yes I am talking about my children.  If you're reading this you know who they are.  If you do not then you don't know me for to know me is to know my children as they are part of me in a unique and amazing way.

So thankful for the small moments with them.  Giggling on my bed together with our feet in the air.  Making up our own fun because we just like being with each other.  They did allow me 30 whole minutes today to rest...while they watched a video then snuck in my room and were so cute I realized that I didn't need sleep as much as I needed to plug back in, exhausted and sick, to these children.

Gosh I love being a mom.  It is one thing that I feel like I'm great at and suck at at the same time.  Is that possible?  Painfully aware of my inadequacies being a mom.  Painfully aware of my failings as a mom.  I'm also really aware that I'm doing a lot of really great things.

Tonight I am just having a moment to reflect as I do every night.  I think the best course of action is sleep and lots of it.

goodnight all

God's Grace Perfected in Me

What a very very very stressful week/month this has been!  I have court soon and that stresses me out.  My attorney is stressful, nothing works like it's supposed to.

I am beginning to realize how terribly busy I am.  I really need a raise.  I'm trying to work on all these old accounts that need action.  This will make the company that I do work for happy and the company who pays me happy that the other is happy.  Basically it is all good.

It's hard to do what I do for a living.  I think that I know now why there is so much turnover in the department.  I have an extra dosing of patience with people and they still get to me every now and then.  It's hard because I want to help them but sometimes I'm limited in my ability to do that for some regulation or another.

Tonight I'm really struggling.  The children are hyper and wild.  They are having a hard time going to sleep in the same room.  I should go grab some sleep and pray they both sleep good all night.    Better shut this down for the night.

On a good note I feel a little better today and that maybe I'm getting over this crud that I've had for a while.  Tonight I just want to avoid hives from stress and grab some shut eye.  Sometimes I wonder why God bothers with me but then I remember that I was created in His image.  How cool is that?

Weary but just in body, not in spirit

I'm weary tonight, just physically.  I've been sick off and on for 3 months now with one thing then another.  I do not think this antibiotic is working and am going to have to call the doctor tomorrow.

This is my weekend with the children and I can't wait.  I am nuts over them.

We've got a big weekend planned but I know that God's going to give me enough energy to do it all.  Plus I have help and lots of people who love us.  That's comforting.

Today was a good day.  I was gone for several hours this morning but was still able to accomplish several large things today.

So much to do at work, hard to organize myself because so much is expected.

Big weather today.  All I know is that in 20 minutes I'm going to bed.  I'm SLEEEEEPPPPPYY.