Forgiveness, 70 x 7, As Far As the East is From the West

Tonight I'm contemplating forgiveness.  Forgiveness from a Godly perspective, that is!  I know that God has forgiven me and continues to forgive me each and every day.  I know in His word it says "As far as the east is from the west, so far He has removed our transgressions from us."  That is my favorite verse at the moment.

Then there is the instruction to forgive "70 x 7".  Forgiveness is deep.  Forgiveness grants freedom, in the hearts both of the forgiven and the forgiver.

What I've been thinking about is the concept of resentments and how I hold onto them longer than I should.  There is part of me that knows that it is going to take A LONG TIME or an intervention from God in order for me to forgive my spouse who is divorcing me.  My particular resentment toward him is deep because of the deepness of hurt he's caused in my life and to my heart.

So can you forgive someone who hasn't asked for forgiveness?  Is there such a thing?  I heard Hank Hanagraph talking about this concept once and the idea behind his perspective is that the act of forgiveness takes two willing parties and you can't forgive in a one-sided situation.

Still I am troubled.  I have been forgiven and my sins are in the deepest sea yet I can't muster the will power to forgive my spouse for divorcing me?   What does THAT say about my character?  Thinking about it, the idea that I am even thinking of forgiving him after what I've been through says a lot about how far God has brought me.  I still have far to go.  I pray for the willingness to be able to forgive now.  I believe that I should forgive him but some things cut too deep for me to grant forgiveness.  To me, if I grant forgiveness then it's like I'm condoning what he's done and is doing - ripping apart our union, our marriage.

Think about the concept of 70 x 7.  That's a mighty big number.  Even that number pales in comparison of how God has forgiven us.  After all, He let His only Son die on the cross for our sins.  He forgave my sins and now I'm sitting here and can't forgive my spouse.  He's technically still my spouse until the judge and we finish this thing.

I feel like I've been totally jipped.  I signed on for life, in sickness and in health, but my spouse wasn't in it for the long run.  I can't believe this is happening still.  It's been a long time since I moved here but each day is still raw.  I often cry on my way to work, unintentionally I'll be listening to some song on Christian radio and notice a tear trickling down my cheek.

God didn't promise that I would be exempt from pain and suffering because I'm a Christian.  We don't get a free pass, in fact I wonder sometimes if we have more difficult lives.  My life since about age 15 has been one trial after another.  I've been through so many things,  God has brought me faithfully through heartbreak, addiction, more heartache, health problems, one thing after another.  Abuse at the hand of the person who promised to love me forever.  It's relative.  In comparison to what others suffer in their lives, mine probably pales in comparison.  Yet my troubles are relavent and relative at the same time.

Much on my heart tonight to think and pray about.  Friends with serious illnesses.  Concerns over my kids and over my health too.  I feel like my heart has this longing that will not go away.  I think that I will feel this way until heaven.  I can't wait to walk the streets of gold and worship at the feet of my Savior.  Then I'll be whole, complete, perfect.  No hurts.  No pains.  Maybe, just maybe, God will heal my family in Heaven.  That would be great.

Until then I wait....and work....and serve....and love.  Tonight I will continue to pray that God will grant me the willingness to forgive the person who I love more than anything but who has broken my heart irrepairably.

To be the Bigger Person

I am choosing to be the bigger person in this complicated situation I find myself in.  I choose to behave with grace and dignity even when inside I want to scream out loud!  How do I show God's caring and love to someone I hate?  Outright, out loud hate.  I know that hate is wrong and it is not from God.  The urge to satisfy the hate is strong but the urge to do what is right is stronger.

I just want to talk to my children and he won't have them call me.  THAT makes me mad.

I am mama bear.  Hear me roar.  Soon I will unleash all my powers upon the situation.

Until then I pray.  For the children.  For me.  For him.  For the woman he's seeing.  Yes last night I actually prayed for the woman he's dating that God would prepare her to be kind to my children.  (now THAT is insane!)

Knocked down but not destroyed

Feeling defeated tonight.  I had a good weekend but this evening definitely effected that.  My heart aches, I'm angry and not feeling very charitable toward certain people this evening.

I feel like I'm battling Satan himself.  He will not win but he sure puts a kink in things.

My heart hurts.  For me and for my children.

God, work in this situation what you will and heal my hurting heart if that would be your will.

Protect my children.

Amen

Younger Learning from Older

Good day, long day but good.  Was encouraged by a sister in Christ, a mom of one of my friends who has walked my path before me.  It was so nice.  The Bible talks about the younger women learning from older women.  What a rich tradition and one we don't do so much here in the U.S.  I'm going to start up a movement.

Might have a lead and a plan for housing which is good.  Now to see what God has planned and how my credit rating is.  It used to be perfect....UNTIL.  (trying not to be resentful is so hard).  I've struggled with holding onto resentments a lot in life.  I have an excellent memory unfortunately and I do not give others the grace that I enjoy from them sometimes.  I'm much better now than I used to be.  18 years ago I wrote out all my resentments and then made them right.  What a liberating experience.

I am starting to search out my old friends again and it's wonderful.  I need people in my life so much.  For support and to be of encouragement to others.

God is taking such good care of me.  I'm happy to counted as one of His children.

night all!

Mosaic of my Heart

Tonight I was able to talk with my mom for a long time.  I learn so much from her and realize now that she's my greatest supporter.  I've been horrible to her for years....yet she just loves me no matter what.  It's humbling.  My mom has helped to make me the mom that I am today and I'm proud of who I am and what I'm doing with my life and with my family and others.

God knows what He has planned for my life.  I believe that He has a good future planned for me and for my children.  Even if I am alone for the rest of my life I will have known what it is like to have loved and to have loved deeply.  For a short while I lived what my dream was.  Then it became what felt like a nightmare.  God can do amazing things out of the pieces of my heart.  I believe that now my heart is like a beautiful mosaic that God is creating into art.  Beautiful, new art.

Boy I've come a long way, baby!

Being Happy for Others

Being happy for other people when you're not feeling particularly happy is a little hard.  Tonight I listened to the children tell about their fun day with their dad and I was happy for them but part of me wished that I was able to take them there.  I need to realize and be thankful that their dad can afford things that I can't and that just makes the kid's lives even richer.

Sent some hugs and kisses to my little one tonight on the phone.  Big one wants me to come over to see their house.

Tonight I had therapy and just feel drained.   So I'm going to unplug for a while.  Maybe watch some tv and relax.

goodnight and goodbye for the day!

Empowering the Young

Tonight we dined and then we played.  Met some new kids at the apartment; they seem nice.  A bunch of young boys, three under 8.

Big day at work today, I seemed to get a lot done this morning and then this afternoon it went really slow.  I had a big, complicated job to work on which took most of the afternoon but it will pay off in the end for the clients.

I feel like the stress has let up (after last week's ordeal).  I'm back to my normal healthy happy self.  I had fun tonight with the children.  I hate that I have to call them "the children" because I can't afford to have my "ex" identify me or anyone else mentioned in this blog.  Trying to be anonymous.

Frankly I'm sick of being anonymous.  I can't wait until this divorce is final and I can finally be free from that control freak.  Now I have to teach my children how to become self-assured young people.  Was working on that with the oldest at dinner tonight.  I told her that it was okay for her to have her own opinions but that she still had to obey mom and dad.

I have to empower them how to deal with their situation and with their dad.  And do it in a way that does not tear him down (that's tricky).  One said this weekend that maybe "daddy doesn't love you" (she was dealing with the divorce not being my idea).  She came up with this all by herself.  She also told me that she likes the way I do activity X with them, that dad doesn't do X but I do.

My parenting strategy has changed since I first moved here until now.   Now I need to empower them to deal with the situation they are in, since I am unable to change it as quickly as I'd like.  Sometimes I think of the future and wonder if God will give me back my babies.  I hope and I pray.  I want a good future for myself and I feel trapped a little bit still.