Big Day, Big Week, Big Month and Big couple of years

I am weary from the struggles I've been going through for the last couple of years.  My heart is still broken although I'm stronger than ever.  God has rebuilt me into this amazing mosaic of experiences, knowledge and wisdom.

Most happy when I'm with the children.  I call them children to keep this sorta private although I know it's not.  My heart is at peace and relaxes only when they are with me or for the most part when they are with me.

We are all weary.  I feel like I've been through the biggest spiritual attack of my life and it's still ongoing.  Satan managed to tear apart my family.  He nearly derailed me several years ago when I was seriously struggling with depression.  Back before I realized what GOD thinks about me and that is the only person that I care about.  God says that I am wonderfully and beautifully made.  I am NOT who I was told that I was for so many years.  God has a plan for my life that is unfolding day by day.  I wish that I knew more of His plan but right now He just takes me day by day, providing what I need for that day.  It's really quite amazing to experience.  I remember my mom telling me at the beginning that it would be like God would be my husband now and I thought she was nuts at the time.  Now I think that I'm beginning to understand what she meant a little better.

God has become my constant companion, the one from whom I draw my strength, the one who provides me with wisdom and the one who imparts courage to me.  He has filled the void that was left in me when my husband chose not to be married to me anymore.  He's bridged the gap.  Yeah that sounds like a cliche and it is but it really illustrates the reality that I'm trying to explain.

I'm sure if you're like me you're heard people say "God will meet you where you are." What I believe is that God was already right there with you the whole time, waiting.    So in a way, God has met me where I am - here is right here with me, sitting on my fluffy blue couch as I type my messages to who knows how many people.  I rather like not knowing because it allows me to write as if I were writing to a dear friend.

God is good.  Do I understand all about His goodness?  No I do not.  Someday it will be perfected when we sit at his throne and sing Holy Holy Holy is the lamb.  Can you hear it?  I can't wait until that day.  I pray that I live a very long life.  I want to see my children grow, I'd love to be a grandmother someday.  I have hopes and dreams for my future that I truly believe God put in me. I just want to shout to the world, God is good.  Even in the middle of the hurt, illness, sickness, pain.  He is right there with you.  Let Him be a part of your life.  Let Him use you.  I know that is my prayer tonight.  Lord, let me be used of you to serve you in whatever way you have planned.  Please show me what you'd like me to do next.

Big Week but Glad It's Over

I had a super big week this week, emotionally.  Court again.  I was stressed out one minute then had God's peace the next, then back then forth.  It was wild.

All week I knew that whatever the outcome it was going to be what God wanted for me.  (I'm not referring to His wanting divorce as we know that's not true).  I just mean that He led the way and paved the way for a really great outcome for me.

I still feel like a complete failure sometimes.  I fight my internal thoughts.  Most are not very flattering.  For years the words someone spoke to me became internalized and then they became like a poison that ate away at my very being. At the core part of me.  Then one day I realized that God had already forgiven me for my wrongs and sins and "as far as the east is from the West, so far He has removed my transgressions from me."  That just rules.  There is no other way to put it.  I'm free because I'm forgiven.  When my head starts telling me untruths I remember that verse.

I feel like God had to completely take me apart to put me back together again, whole.  I've been through the darkest days anyone would ever imagine and LIVED TO TELL OTHERS ABOUT IT!   I have been through the valley where there isn't much light but then God helped me climb up the mountain, slowly.

All the things I have to say seem so trite, so much like every Christian cliche that I've ever heard.  I do not want to be a Christian cliche nor talk or walk like one.  I am a unique individual that God has blessed with unique gifts and some very unique challenges that I struggle with every day of my life.

You see, I have bipolar disorder.  There, you have it.  It's out there.  I've nothing to hide.  I've had it for years, probably since high school.  Most of what I struggle with is the unyielding depression that goes with it for me.  Even when I'm medicated and stable, each and every day is a challenge and I have to rely very really on  God to give me the strength that I need for the task in front of me.

I'm just an ordinary girl who is beginning phase two of her life.  Now I'm a mom, a worker at work and at church.  A friend.    A broken person living out her life as honestly as she knows how, with  God's help and with His strength.  Each day that I complete is an accomplishment that is from God.  God provides just what I need but with an abundance of grace and mercy.

My life will never be the same as it once was and that makes me sad on one level.  I had hopes and dreams for our family, for my marriage, for life.  Now I have a new normal.  Normal now means punching a clock, taking short lunches, coming in early, staying late, doing whatever it takes to make it.  New normal means getting involved in a great church, starting to serve the children of that church and having my socks blessed off me!  I think that I go to minister to the kids but it's been the other way around.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is good.  I do not understand Him all the time but I do KNOW, an inward, soul-searching for sure kind of KNOW that He is good.  God is love, I am one of his favorite creations.

That's my big week.  Thank you for your prayers.  Thank you for not posting any identifying information here.  Read and enjoy.  Someday I'm writing a book......SOMEDAY.  I've had 5 people tell me that I should.  hmmmm maybe God's trying to tell me something?  Have to pray about that.

Thank you, God, for helping me this week.  Thank you for providing for my future and for giving me your love and your strength.  Help me to be a better mom tomorrow than today.  Help me not to mess up in that regard for nothing I desire compares with the love I have for my children.  NOTHING compares to my love for them.  They are the light of my life, my earthly purpose for being on this earth.  It is my honor to be their mom.

night all

Good but long weekend

I'm taking a vacation form my problems like Bob on What about Bob? the movie.  I've had a pretty good weekend.  The problems tried to creep up again....but I won't let them.

I've had a peaceful weekend.  I took a 3.5 hour nap today and feel like a million bucks.  Doc took me off of another of my meds and I'm feeling good.

Church was good.  It was good to be with the little kids and also really good to sit in the adult service for a change.

Tonight I'm just relaxing.  Wishing that the children were here.  Missing them badly.  A 5 minute phone call after days just didn't cut it for me.

Tomorrow is work; it's become work.  The new of the new position has finally worn off.  Took 6 months but now they all look the same.

Just Want

I just want to be more like Jesus.  Everybody's got a dream.  That's mine.  I want to love other people to Christ.  I want my love for other people to make them wonder what I'm all about.

Had a great time with my children tonight.  It's short but it was good.  I sent something with them that they will have...and remember me by when they are away from me.

So much to say, just can't get it out at the moment.  My heart is sad yet excited about this new turn in my life.  God's got a great plan for me and for my life if I just let Him use me.  Day in and day out.

Peace Be To Us All

This has been one long week and it's just Wednesday.  The next week will be long too....lots going on....

If you are a reader, pray for strength for me, wisdom for the judge and peace for all involved.

LORD be with us all.  Even the one I'm not too fond of at this moment.  Even him.

good night all

Lord Hear My Prayer Tonight

I want to scream, to yell out, to tell the world about what is going on.  It's frustrating that I can't even really vent it here.  After all this is cyberspace and anyone can read this.

I'm worried about my children.  Very real concerns.  They act one way with me and another with their dad.    

We had a good night even though they were struggling.  They just get so tired every day in summer.  

Lord, hear my prayer tonight.  Watch over my babies and protect them, shield their hearts from what is going on between their dad and I.  Protect them from evil.  Protect them from the Enemy who wishes to destroy their hearts and my mind.  Guard them, shield them. Bathe them in Your love, Lord.  Teach them about who they are; how important they are to You.

Lord I give my children to you.  Guard them for me please.  Help me to have wisdom because Lord this situation requires wisdom to know what is right and the courage to do it in the face of great opposition.  I give my heart and my children to you O Lord.

Stress in Children

Lately the notion of forgiveness just keeps coming back to my mind.  I pray for the desire to forgive but I'm not there yet.  I just keep asking God for the desire to want to forgive my spouse.  I STILL hurt every day because of this divorce.  This week I was talking to one of my children about how when people don't keep their word it hurts.  I told her that I know what that was like.  I told this one that daddy and I didn't keep our words to each other and that I am sorry that they have to live with the consequences.  We connected on this issue because this one said when I asked what makes X sad "what stresses you out?  Do you know what stress is?"  The answer "when dad tells me he's going to do something and doesn't it stresses me out."

My heart fell.  I want to fix this for them but right now only God can.  I can help them by loving them, equipping them to deal with what faces them in their live.  Love them and send them back.  That is my plan until the Lord reveals more about my role as their mom.

I am tired.  Work is hard, managing it all takes skill.  I feel like I've been jipped out of being a mom.  Now I have to work long days just to make ends meet.  While the spouse works hard and makes 5 times my salary.  That is hard to stomach.

Enough of him tonight.  I am going to go to bed early.  Tomorrow is a big day and I've got a big weekend planned.