I had a super big week this week, emotionally. Court again. I was stressed out one minute then had God's peace the next, then back then forth. It was wild.
All week I knew that whatever the outcome it was going to be what God wanted for me. (I'm not referring to His wanting divorce as we know that's not true). I just mean that He led the way and paved the way for a really great outcome for me.
I still feel like a complete failure sometimes. I fight my internal thoughts. Most are not very flattering. For years the words someone spoke to me became internalized and then they became like a poison that ate away at my very being. At the core part of me. Then one day I realized that God had already forgiven me for my wrongs and sins and "as far as the east is from the West, so far He has removed my transgressions from me." That just rules. There is no other way to put it. I'm free because I'm forgiven. When my head starts telling me untruths I remember that verse.
I feel like God had to completely take me apart to put me back together again, whole. I've been through the darkest days anyone would ever imagine and LIVED TO TELL OTHERS ABOUT IT! I have been through the valley where there isn't much light but then God helped me climb up the mountain, slowly.
All the things I have to say seem so trite, so much like every Christian cliche that I've ever heard. I do not want to be a Christian cliche nor talk or walk like one. I am a unique individual that God has blessed with unique gifts and some very unique challenges that I struggle with every day of my life.
You see, I have bipolar disorder. There, you have it. It's out there. I've nothing to hide. I've had it for years, probably since high school. Most of what I struggle with is the unyielding depression that goes with it for me. Even when I'm medicated and stable, each and every day is a challenge and I have to rely very really on God to give me the strength that I need for the task in front of me.
I'm just an ordinary girl who is beginning phase two of her life. Now I'm a mom, a worker at work and at church. A friend. A broken person living out her life as honestly as she knows how, with God's help and with His strength. Each day that I complete is an accomplishment that is from God. God provides just what I need but with an abundance of grace and mercy.
My life will never be the same as it once was and that makes me sad on one level. I had hopes and dreams for our family, for my marriage, for life. Now I have a new normal. Normal now means punching a clock, taking short lunches, coming in early, staying late, doing whatever it takes to make it. New normal means getting involved in a great church, starting to serve the children of that church and having my socks blessed off me! I think that I go to minister to the kids but it's been the other way around.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is good. I do not understand Him all the time but I do KNOW, an inward, soul-searching for sure kind of KNOW that He is good. God is love, I am one of his favorite creations.
That's my big week. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for not posting any identifying information here. Read and enjoy. Someday I'm writing a book......SOMEDAY. I've had 5 people tell me that I should. hmmmm maybe God's trying to tell me something? Have to pray about that.
Thank you, God, for helping me this week. Thank you for providing for my future and for giving me your love and your strength. Help me to be a better mom tomorrow than today. Help me not to mess up in that regard for nothing I desire compares with the love I have for my children. NOTHING compares to my love for them. They are the light of my life, my earthly purpose for being on this earth. It is my honor to be their mom.
night all
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