Heart's Desire, Lots of Tears and my Place in God's heart

After my matinee movie, I am walking to the car thinking about what I really want.  I mean, at my core, deep.  What it is that I want.  It is hard to admit but I want my husband and family back.  I just want him different.

Why is it that I want what I can't have?   God originally put this love I have for X in my heart.  I stood before God and my friends and family and promised to love, honor cherish and never leave X.  Now, years later he's sick of me, I've been devastated by the way I was treated but there is still a part of me that loves him.  It probably always will.  We will grow old.  We both might re-marry.  But there is still one special part of my heart that he will always have.

But for all the praying, God has not lead X back to me.  He has not granted my hope to reunite with my husband, for us to heal, for God to change his heart.  Instead God has something much different planned for me.  It's exciting on one hand and on the other it is frightfully scary.  I'm in uncharted waters, in a boat being thrust about by the gentle and sometimes stronger winds of the change from God.  I feel rather adrift in a sea.  My future is uncertain; I worry constantly if I will be able to provide for myself.  For years X told me that I wasn't this or that (jobs that I had done before),  and if you hear something enough you begin to believe it, even if it isn't true.  When the person you trust most in the entire world is telling you something you believe it.

I completely and totally trusted this man who used me and then when things weren't working out quite the way he had planned, he filed a nasty little piece of paper that eventually caused me to leave our home, and the kids.  To this day I do not know if I will ever recover from those feelings.  They are as raw today as they were yesterday.  I suppose that's the nature of pain.  Little things remind me of the life I once had.  What I need to wake up and realize are the facts.

The facts are this: I was living with someone who was not capable of unconditionally loving me as his spouse.  When areas of my health faltered, so did his love for me.  He took my poor health and used it against me and still tries to to this day.  Now that I'm away from him, the truth is that I am doing great most of the time.  There are times, usually on the weekends, like now that I get a little sentimental and my heart starts hurting again.

The facts are that I do not need to worry if I will be able to provide because God owns the cattle on a thousand hills and He will care for me.  He has cared for me along the journey and does even now.  I feel like I  have one foot in heaven and one foot on earth.  My soul longs for heaven, to be in a place where there is no sorrow, only joy and  praising our Savior.

"Be still and know that He is God."

God caring for my heart tonight through His music.

I feel like I'm bursting at the seams I have so much to say but doubt anyone even reads this.  Someday I will go public and just declare it's mine but for right now it's my anonymous place to talk, contemplate and consider.  Even now I'm still afraid of him and how he could someday use something I say on here against me in court.   He wouldn't pick the parts where I talk about  how passionately I love my children or how great I'm feeling or how I feel like God's made me into a new person.  Nope, he would pick and choose the thoughts of mine showing doubt, showing weakness and he would use it against me.  So you can understand why I don't want to go public with my identity.

I think that I should just go to bed now and let the day be over.  Curl up in the covers and read God's word.  Read what my Heavenly Father says to me.

"I've been here, silent all these years." - Tori Amos

"God's greatest treasure is the treasure of you." - Steven Curtis Chapman.  The words of this particular song paint the specialness of me, God's creation.  If God loves me anything like how I feel about my own children then I am treasured beyond belief.