This seemed to be the world's longest weekend. Yesterday I saw two movies which was a total blast. It was nice to have some time to "escape" in a relatively healthy way. At least it's way healthier than when I was in college and used to drink it away. Oh but that was many years ago.
Today seemed to drag on. I went to church which was great. I still feel like a fish out of water there sometimes unless I'm up working with the kids then I feel at home.
After church I came home and took a nap, woke up for a while then took, yes, A SECOND NAP. I do not know what came over me. I don't know if I've ever done two naps in one day. I know that the stresses of these past few weeks especially are piling up. I hope that I don't crumble in a big pile from them when this is all over. In a way a divorce is like a death but without the finality. I mean, there is the finality of not being married anymore but you still have to see this person; they are forever connected to you through your children.
I go to church and see these nice couples who love God and think: why wasn't that me? No one wanted that more than I did. I prayed for it as a kid and as I grew into a young woman as well. I guess this is the Sunday night it's not fair coming out. I struggle with this every weekend that I'm alone.
Sunday nights are when I'm lonely. Yes, I'll admit it. I'm pathetically lonely. I miss the companionship of my husband, when we were happy together. I miss that very much. Missing it won't bring it back and probably shouldn't.
I haven't talked to the kids all weekend and now they're gone for a couple of more days. It's torture and I hate it. I want my children here with me, where they belong. You see, those little people I care more about than myself, and more than anything or anyone else in this world. There is nothing that I would not do, no mountain too high to climb, no valley too low to go through, for THEM. The strength that I'm gaining and have gained going through this divorce has just made me a better mommy for THEM.
There is still so much undone in this situation. It could be many more years before I'm truly settled. The divorce could happen in the next couple of months. Apparently one day the judge will just issue a decree and we'll cease to be married. I'll find out about it from my attorney in an email or a phone call. God how horrible is that? There are no words to describe the depth of my sorrow.
So enough of the woe is me. I have much to be thankful for. A good job, nice people to work with, a place to live, nice furry friends, wonderful family, a few really good friends and of course, God. My relationship with God has been my lifeblood.
Thankfully tomorrow is another day. With new mercies in it. Isn't that a wonderful thought? God renews us each night while we sleep and then gives us a fresh new day, a clean slate each and every day. Then grants us forgiveness when we screw up.
Is it tomorrow yet? :-)
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