Broken People in a Fallen World

Today I am consciously aware that we live in a fallen world.  We are broken people living in a fallen world.

I have some questions that I seriously doubt that I will ever have the answer to while I'm down here on earth.  I know that God ordained each and every one of my days as He has yours.  That, however, is hard to believe when you're weeks away from a divorce and even though it's been almost two years I am still not ready for this.  Every time I think about it I cry and cry and cry.  I guess that I'm "trying to make the most of a bad situation."  But at the same time I am right where God wants me to be.  He has always taken care of me, He has been my best friend when mine resigned, He has been my husband when he resigned, He has been my comforter ever since I met Him.

Unless you're plagued by complex questions about life and about God then perhaps you should check your pulse to be sure you're alive.  The more I know about God the more questions I have, He's enticed me to want to know Him more deeply.  I have deep questions.  I know that I might not ever know "why" while I'm here on earth.  No matter how much I'd like to know "why" I am going through what I am going through I might not ever have the answer to that question.

Tonight my heart hurts.  I miss my family.  I mourn the good times we had.  I do not miss the bad times we had.  I do not miss being hurt.  I do not miss my heart being broken, over and over, for years.  I do not miss the person who did these mean things to me.  I miss the person I once loved.  Where did he go?

Part of me feels relief that the nightmare is almost over.  Part of me feels bad for feeling that way but truth be told, part of me needs to be free of the person who hurt me so badly and for so long.  He doesn't even acknowledge that he was part of the problem.  That still kills me.

There are no answers, only heartache in the middle of this.  I have glimpses of joy....and know that it is beyond this hurt.  Even if it's not in this life, at least when we get to Heaven we will be perfect.   Healthy, perfect people.  I long for Heaven but know that I still have much left to do in this world.  Several years ago I no longer wanted to live...I felt like that for about 2-3 years off and on.  Talk about "hell" on earth.  That kind of depression changes a person.  It also took its toll on my marriage but it is not my fault.  My vows were until death do us part.  I stood before God and promised that to Him and to my husband.  Now the court is parting us.  It still doesn't compute.  It probably won't ever.

I have dreams....I want to put this behind me.....keep a job.....learn some new skills.....maybe buy a house in a couple of years.  I'm going to have my very own rose garden and I can't wait.  We're going to have irises, daffodils, tulips, peonies, roses, lily of the valley and all of my favorite plants.  I want a basement and I want to turn it into THE place the kids want to go to hang out.  I want to be THAT mom.  I want my little pink rose bushes...and my white ones....God I give this dream to you but I believe you put it there.  If it is part of my plan then help me to get there someday.

God I give my life back to you again tonight.  Use me Lord.  Help me to love those around me, even through my pain.  God, grant me the ability to forgive.  Grant me wisdom.  I long for more wisdom.  I realize that sometimes wisdom comes with a price but Lord I want some more.

God I give my family to you.  This has effected them so much as they've travelled this road with me.  Heal their hearts too.  God, watch over the kiddos.  Work in their hearts.  Help me to help them through this change in their lives.  Give me wisdom.