Life is speeding up again and I'm not happy about it. I need to take my time and smell the roses. If I had any to smell! I miss my roses a lot. Each and every bush that I planted. I planted 7 rose bushes at my old house.....and they are doing beautifully, despite their current owner's hatred of them! :-) I think it's cosmic justice.
Work is going really good. I've found my groove, and I've also been trying to step up my game, to compete for "top dog." I think that I already have it but I have to stay sharp.
So every where there is pressure trying to creep into my life. I don't mind responsibility but pressure is when you take it too far. What I do to combat pressure: I listen to Christian radio as I drive to work, on my lunch hour I listen to it too, different problems because I go at different times every day. I listen to the Bible Answer Man on my way home from work. Other ways I combat pressure: I get enough sleep. I take a lot of sleep and usually am in bed by 9:30 and sleep until 6:55! It takes me about 20 minutes to get ready for work then it's hurry to the job.....while I listen and learn about God.
When I first moved here I used to spend my mornings crying, my lunch hour crying and the drive home to pick up my kids for their "visit" crying. I've come so far or should I say, God has brought me so far. He has set me free. He has freed my head from the thoughts and feelings that tried to take my very life on multiple occasions. He has freed me to be the kind of mom I've always wanted and wanted to be. I have hope for the first time in a long time. Just two years ago I was despondent.
Two years of excruciating pain and unimaginable growth. It took one to have the other. I had to go through the pain to get to the joy. Now, with each passing day there are more and more days with joy and less and less days filled with unhappiness.
I have dreams and goals and yes, even hopes for my future and the future of my children. Only God knows the plans He has for my life but if God is in control then He can do amazing things through me, to me and for me. I literally wouldn't have made it through the last two years unless I had a real, vital and tangible relationship with my God. He has become my all in all.
If you're reading this then you're one of my trusted few that I have told about this site. If you're that important to me, then I ask that you pray for me and for the girl's dad. Pray that God would change his heart as much as He has changed mine. Pray that I can become willing to forgive him....even if we are no longer married I still need to forgive him for the past. If I don't forgive him then I am tied to my past and that is not my reality: God has set me free and I want to be free indeed!
To have weight lifted off of my heart that has been there, festering and getting heavier year by year - to have that be lifted by God off of me is an example of His mercy. To be granted loving children with good health is grace. To get to live another day - joy.
night
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Goodness and Gracious of My Heavenly Father
God is moving. He is leading and it's exciting! Tonight I feel good. Inside and out. I feel whole for the first time in forever. I know "whole" sounds all therapy-ish but it's really how I feel. For years I felt fractured into little pieces, broken inside and out. God has taken me from broken to whole in just two short but long years!
It seems like now things that were once overwhelming are easier than they used to be. I'm stronger inside - stronger than I ever was and it took great adversity to make me strong. It's brought about proven character and proven character has brought about HOPE. With a capital H.
I tell people that God is good a lot and I know that if you're hurting that may not be how you feel about Him. Sometimes when you're hurting you feel like He should be doing something different than He is. What is amazing is that He knew each day of your life before you even took your first breath. He knows the number of hairs on your head. He knows when one of His sparrows falls from the sky. How great is His love toward us. Toward us even when we were sinners, He sent His very own son to die for our sins. For us. Took our place. That still amazes me and I've been a Christian for quite some time now.
God uses people who show up. People who want to be used. I very much want to be used of God. Right now my mission field is equipping my children to live with their dad. I know that sounds funny if you don't know my history but it's necessary. I'm equipping them with good self esteems so when they go to school they will know what God thinks about them and how much they are loved by their mom.
Humbled tonight to talk with my family, far away as they were. Miss them a lot and wish they were closer. Good thing I have unlimited minutes.
Tonight I marvel at the goodness and graciousness of my Heavenly Father. He truly is all I need. He is the breathe and life of me, He is my hope and my tomorrow. He is my yesterday and forever. He's been there with me through some of the darkest times that I've ever been through. Times that would have crushed my spirit before now do not. God has rebuilt me, He's infused me with courage and is using me in the lives of my children. It's cool.
I must put down the computer. I need to go read some Psalms and be uplifted.
Night!
It seems like now things that were once overwhelming are easier than they used to be. I'm stronger inside - stronger than I ever was and it took great adversity to make me strong. It's brought about proven character and proven character has brought about HOPE. With a capital H.
I tell people that God is good a lot and I know that if you're hurting that may not be how you feel about Him. Sometimes when you're hurting you feel like He should be doing something different than He is. What is amazing is that He knew each day of your life before you even took your first breath. He knows the number of hairs on your head. He knows when one of His sparrows falls from the sky. How great is His love toward us. Toward us even when we were sinners, He sent His very own son to die for our sins. For us. Took our place. That still amazes me and I've been a Christian for quite some time now.
God uses people who show up. People who want to be used. I very much want to be used of God. Right now my mission field is equipping my children to live with their dad. I know that sounds funny if you don't know my history but it's necessary. I'm equipping them with good self esteems so when they go to school they will know what God thinks about them and how much they are loved by their mom.
Humbled tonight to talk with my family, far away as they were. Miss them a lot and wish they were closer. Good thing I have unlimited minutes.
Tonight I marvel at the goodness and graciousness of my Heavenly Father. He truly is all I need. He is the breathe and life of me, He is my hope and my tomorrow. He is my yesterday and forever. He's been there with me through some of the darkest times that I've ever been through. Times that would have crushed my spirit before now do not. God has rebuilt me, He's infused me with courage and is using me in the lives of my children. It's cool.
I must put down the computer. I need to go read some Psalms and be uplifted.
Night!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Foggy Noodle
Today I just felt as if I were in a fog. It was weird. I felt like I worked and worked and worked and didn't get anything done. I had almost no clarity and it was annoying.
I hope tomorrow goes good. I've been working really really hard all week.
I'm thinking that the stress of this pending divorce is just slowly leaching the energy from my body. Must go to bed tonight early so I can pray and spend time with God. Lots to pray about. Many people who need His help and presence.
To all who read you are the joys of my life, thank you for your friendship be ye near or far.
night
I hope tomorrow goes good. I've been working really really hard all week.
I'm thinking that the stress of this pending divorce is just slowly leaching the energy from my body. Must go to bed tonight early so I can pray and spend time with God. Lots to pray about. Many people who need His help and presence.
To all who read you are the joys of my life, thank you for your friendship be ye near or far.
night
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I remain His
Another day has passed. It was busy today at work which made it go by quickly. I was ready for lunch at 10 this morning! I tried something new for lunch - yummy vegetables. Good for me too.
Glad it's almost time to turn in.
I feel like all my creative juices have just dried up. ! (could be I'm just tired and worn out!)
Until tomorrow
I remain
His. The Father's.
Glad it's almost time to turn in.
I feel like all my creative juices have just dried up. ! (could be I'm just tired and worn out!)
Until tomorrow
I remain
His. The Father's.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Stepping Up
Another day. Another day closer but to what? Another day closer to moving. Another day closer to being single. Again. So many years after I was single for the first time. I have excitement about my future but it is still a little scary too.
Work is going really good which is a good thing. I have tried to step it up, challenge myself to be better, out perform my colleagues. He might not realize it but my goal is to out-do, out-smart and out-perform my colleague. If a leadership position opens up then I want it. I want to be the number one candidate for it. That is why I'm stepping up my game.
I'm tired so I'm calling it.
Work is going really good which is a good thing. I have tried to step it up, challenge myself to be better, out perform my colleagues. He might not realize it but my goal is to out-do, out-smart and out-perform my colleague. If a leadership position opens up then I want it. I want to be the number one candidate for it. That is why I'm stepping up my game.
I'm tired so I'm calling it.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Mixed Feelings
Today I am having mixed feelings. On the way home from the movie I just cried and cried as I thought about the fact that in about a month or so the judge is going to decree that we are divorced. My feelings are mixed because I know that I cannot live with the man I was married to until God changes Him. I just cannot. So I have to let him go, I have to say goodbye and leave him in God's care. But my heart will go with him. I gave it to him the day we married. He's trying to give it back and I don't want it back. I still want him to have it. (see I told you that I had mixed feelings).
Going through a divorce is right up there on the list of life's most stressful events. I should do research but I'll wager it's in the top 5 most stressful things. I feel let down, betrayed, unloved, hurt and broken. All because of one phrase "I wanted to tell you that I filed for divorce yesterday." That phrase forever burned in my memory like a horrific string of words that it is. That is when my world literally turned upside down. Every value I held dear, every thing and person I trusted was now suspect. I clung to the few people I trusted and I poured out my soul to them. Including my dad, my brothers, my sister in law, and a few really really good and old friends. You know who you are.
God is good. We throw that phrase around in church a lot. Think about it. Do you really really believe it? When your child dies from cancer, do you believe God is good? When you lose your job and you're one paycheck away from being homeless, do you believe that God is good? It is during those times when you are tested that your faith is tested. I have been through the fire and what remains is beautiful. It's gold. The shallowness of my old self is gone and I am made pure by going through this "fire" or trial in my life.
Loving God when things are going good is easy. Loving God when your world is falling apart is harder. Loving God when you are devastated at the state of where you are is true, unadulterated faith. I now have THAT kind of faith but it has taken 20 years of struggling. It has taken me recovering from being an alcoholic, it has taken me recovering from this illness and that, it has taken me being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and it took me wanting to end my life until I came to appreciate my life and the gift that it is. You see, I am worth something to God. He looked inside a long time ago and saw something beautiful and He has upheld me in His right hand every since. Through the darkness, through the depression that falls upon my soul like a daily burden I bear.
I mean, there are times when I feel true joy, but for the most part, I struggle with depression every single day of my life. They have me on good medications which help make me stable but I still struggle with the sadness that is inside. It's physiological, it is NOT a choice. I am a dichotomy - one half of me is this person who struggles what seem to be incredible battles and the other side of me is this person who now knows how much she is worth to God. It took me going through the fire to realize my own self-worth. To realize that all those times when I checked myself into the hospital because I no longer wanted to live were for a purpose. God was knitting together a history.
I've always felt like I was experiencing these struggles for a greater purpose. That someday, somehow, someway I will be able to help many people go through their own struggles too. That desire is burned into my heart. It is the desire of my heart - to help others. To be an example of what it is like to honor God in the midst of life's most difficult times. I just want to honor Him.
Going through a divorce is right up there on the list of life's most stressful events. I should do research but I'll wager it's in the top 5 most stressful things. I feel let down, betrayed, unloved, hurt and broken. All because of one phrase "I wanted to tell you that I filed for divorce yesterday." That phrase forever burned in my memory like a horrific string of words that it is. That is when my world literally turned upside down. Every value I held dear, every thing and person I trusted was now suspect. I clung to the few people I trusted and I poured out my soul to them. Including my dad, my brothers, my sister in law, and a few really really good and old friends. You know who you are.
God is good. We throw that phrase around in church a lot. Think about it. Do you really really believe it? When your child dies from cancer, do you believe God is good? When you lose your job and you're one paycheck away from being homeless, do you believe that God is good? It is during those times when you are tested that your faith is tested. I have been through the fire and what remains is beautiful. It's gold. The shallowness of my old self is gone and I am made pure by going through this "fire" or trial in my life.
Loving God when things are going good is easy. Loving God when your world is falling apart is harder. Loving God when you are devastated at the state of where you are is true, unadulterated faith. I now have THAT kind of faith but it has taken 20 years of struggling. It has taken me recovering from being an alcoholic, it has taken me recovering from this illness and that, it has taken me being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and it took me wanting to end my life until I came to appreciate my life and the gift that it is. You see, I am worth something to God. He looked inside a long time ago and saw something beautiful and He has upheld me in His right hand every since. Through the darkness, through the depression that falls upon my soul like a daily burden I bear.
I mean, there are times when I feel true joy, but for the most part, I struggle with depression every single day of my life. They have me on good medications which help make me stable but I still struggle with the sadness that is inside. It's physiological, it is NOT a choice. I am a dichotomy - one half of me is this person who struggles what seem to be incredible battles and the other side of me is this person who now knows how much she is worth to God. It took me going through the fire to realize my own self-worth. To realize that all those times when I checked myself into the hospital because I no longer wanted to live were for a purpose. God was knitting together a history.
I've always felt like I was experiencing these struggles for a greater purpose. That someday, somehow, someway I will be able to help many people go through their own struggles too. That desire is burned into my heart. It is the desire of my heart - to help others. To be an example of what it is like to honor God in the midst of life's most difficult times. I just want to honor Him.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
The Providence of God
Today, in fact this whole week I felt the hand of God on and in my life. Last weekend I prayed a heart felt prayer to ask God for guidance and wisdom regarding my living situation. The very next day a person at a place I go to told me that because of some info I had given her I now qualified for their help. I was to pick up a letter from them and then take it to this place, this apartment complex and fill out an application.
So Wednesday I picked up the letter and today I went to the apartment place. I walked in, a little scared that I would be treated as a less than human being because of my situation and this letter I carried. A very nice woman sat down with me, told me all about what they do, and showed me the apartment. It was smaller - much smaller than my current place but it will be adequate for my needs for the next couple of years. I filled out an application and she ran the credit check which wasn't great because someone else left me with a mountain of debt and no job. He had stopped paying my bills months before the divorce was filed. So when I got these bills they were already or close to being in collections. Thanks to God and some help from people I have been able to pay them off, I"m almost done.
I was treated with dignity and respect and it felt amazing. I am going to be living quite a ways from the kids but maybe this is what I need - a fresh start in new surroundings. It is not far from where we once lived when my oldest was young. It's crowded and busy but it is going to be my new home and I am just thankful. I am blessed beyond belief.
Can't wait to talk to the kids to tell them the news. God is working. He is moving. More than ever I want to know His will and do it no matter the consequence to me.
Amazing things are happening in my life. Some of my friends are experiencing great happiness while others are in deep despair. I rejoice with one and mourn with one. Bearing one another's burdens. God created us all for relationships with each other. That is what it is all about. He as the creator longs to have relationships with His children. We, those who are His children, should long for Him in the same way.
On my way home tonight I cried. It felt good to be treated with dignity today at the place where I went. Tonight I miss my children immensely. They are with their father and I have not talked with them since yesterday when I took them to their day camp. I long to have them with me. I believe that somehow someday God will work it out for my children to be with me either all the time or most of the time. I long for that. I beseech God for that.
Tonight I have one or two relationships with people that need mending and I'm not sure how to begin. It starts with humility and I need to ask God for wisdom to know how to work things out. I have an idea. I will have to see if this person is open to my idea. It would be an olive branch offered. A peace offering. To mend what has been broken.
God is doing an amazing work in my life. Nothing is impossible for God. It's nice to have such an a person on your side. I feel as if He would move mountains for me and He has!!!!! Things that I thought impossible are now possible. God is working out the path of my life day by day and I am thankful for His many blessings.
Tonight I am thankful to be alive after last week's scare. I am thankful for friends who truly care about me. I am thankful for my family who has stood with me against the enemy who has tried to tear me down. Satan has tried to shipwreck my life for the past 5-6 years and God just keeps protecting me, putting me under his wing to shelter me from what Satan is trying to do. God has been the insulation of my life. He hasn't insulated me from experiencing the hurts and results of sin and the break up of my relationship but he has insulated me somewhat from Satan's attacks. I feel a little like God did to me like He did to Job. God allowed Satan to do all these horrible things to see if Job would remain righteous and remain trusting in His maker. I feel like God has allowed me to experience great pain and although I may never truly and fully understand it while I'm here, I know that God has a purpose for what He is doing and I trust Him.
You see, his character is good. He is good. He is omnipotent. He is omniscient. He is all in all. He is the I AM. Before the world began He was. God spoke and the world came into existence. Then He created man, his greatest creation and the one that He loves the most.
We live in a fallen world. We're broken people who love God passionately through the pain, through the hurt and through the disappointment because we love God THAT MUCH. We rest in Him.
Lately all I've wanted to do is write. I rarely turn on my tv anymore, am contemplating getting rid of cable and getting rid of tv at our home. I'm not sure that I'm going that radical. I'm just thinking about it. I want to help other people who are hurting. I feel it is my calling, my mission. I'm not exactly sure who I'm supposed to help but God knows. I just have to listen for His plan.
God is on His throne. Someday we will worship at His feet in awe of His majesty. Singing Holy Holy Holy. When I get there I want more than anything else in the world to hear God say "well done my good servant." That would be the best words ever spoken.
That is all there is so say tonight.
So Wednesday I picked up the letter and today I went to the apartment place. I walked in, a little scared that I would be treated as a less than human being because of my situation and this letter I carried. A very nice woman sat down with me, told me all about what they do, and showed me the apartment. It was smaller - much smaller than my current place but it will be adequate for my needs for the next couple of years. I filled out an application and she ran the credit check which wasn't great because someone else left me with a mountain of debt and no job. He had stopped paying my bills months before the divorce was filed. So when I got these bills they were already or close to being in collections. Thanks to God and some help from people I have been able to pay them off, I"m almost done.
I was treated with dignity and respect and it felt amazing. I am going to be living quite a ways from the kids but maybe this is what I need - a fresh start in new surroundings. It is not far from where we once lived when my oldest was young. It's crowded and busy but it is going to be my new home and I am just thankful. I am blessed beyond belief.
Can't wait to talk to the kids to tell them the news. God is working. He is moving. More than ever I want to know His will and do it no matter the consequence to me.
Amazing things are happening in my life. Some of my friends are experiencing great happiness while others are in deep despair. I rejoice with one and mourn with one. Bearing one another's burdens. God created us all for relationships with each other. That is what it is all about. He as the creator longs to have relationships with His children. We, those who are His children, should long for Him in the same way.
On my way home tonight I cried. It felt good to be treated with dignity today at the place where I went. Tonight I miss my children immensely. They are with their father and I have not talked with them since yesterday when I took them to their day camp. I long to have them with me. I believe that somehow someday God will work it out for my children to be with me either all the time or most of the time. I long for that. I beseech God for that.
Tonight I have one or two relationships with people that need mending and I'm not sure how to begin. It starts with humility and I need to ask God for wisdom to know how to work things out. I have an idea. I will have to see if this person is open to my idea. It would be an olive branch offered. A peace offering. To mend what has been broken.
God is doing an amazing work in my life. Nothing is impossible for God. It's nice to have such an a person on your side. I feel as if He would move mountains for me and He has!!!!! Things that I thought impossible are now possible. God is working out the path of my life day by day and I am thankful for His many blessings.
Tonight I am thankful to be alive after last week's scare. I am thankful for friends who truly care about me. I am thankful for my family who has stood with me against the enemy who has tried to tear me down. Satan has tried to shipwreck my life for the past 5-6 years and God just keeps protecting me, putting me under his wing to shelter me from what Satan is trying to do. God has been the insulation of my life. He hasn't insulated me from experiencing the hurts and results of sin and the break up of my relationship but he has insulated me somewhat from Satan's attacks. I feel a little like God did to me like He did to Job. God allowed Satan to do all these horrible things to see if Job would remain righteous and remain trusting in His maker. I feel like God has allowed me to experience great pain and although I may never truly and fully understand it while I'm here, I know that God has a purpose for what He is doing and I trust Him.
You see, his character is good. He is good. He is omnipotent. He is omniscient. He is all in all. He is the I AM. Before the world began He was. God spoke and the world came into existence. Then He created man, his greatest creation and the one that He loves the most.
We live in a fallen world. We're broken people who love God passionately through the pain, through the hurt and through the disappointment because we love God THAT MUCH. We rest in Him.
Lately all I've wanted to do is write. I rarely turn on my tv anymore, am contemplating getting rid of cable and getting rid of tv at our home. I'm not sure that I'm going that radical. I'm just thinking about it. I want to help other people who are hurting. I feel it is my calling, my mission. I'm not exactly sure who I'm supposed to help but God knows. I just have to listen for His plan.
God is on His throne. Someday we will worship at His feet in awe of His majesty. Singing Holy Holy Holy. When I get there I want more than anything else in the world to hear God say "well done my good servant." That would be the best words ever spoken.
That is all there is so say tonight.
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