Today was just a weird day. I think that I took my afternoon medicines in the morning....but it must have been okay because I was able to focus all day, even working on one project for six straight hours. It was odd. I took lunch at about 2:30. Very very odd.
This morning one of my children had brought back some shoes I just bought her, saying they were too hot, etc, wanting to leave them here. I made this child deal with the fact that I was sending them back in the suitcase. What I didn't realize is that this child was bringing them here to have something here at MOM's. It bothered me all day because it hurt my feelings this morning because of our miscommunication. On the way home I figured it all out. So I called this little person and spoke with him/her and we are okay now. I apologized and asked him/her if him/her just wanted to leave them at mommy's house. This child said yes. I felt so bad that I was so blind.
Tonight my heart hurts for some friends who are undergoing some horrible situations. All I can do is offer to talk and listen. I pray and pray and pray for people every night....right as I go to bed is my special time with God. It is when we commune together. I have several people who are on the list permanently until God heals them or they go to be with Jesus.
It's not even 8:00 and I'm ready to turn in. Dinner is baking in the oven. I've got to start eating at home, I need to change my life, buy real food, eat good for me food. If that means buying new pots and pans then so be it. When we move I want to step up my game around the house and with the children. I've got PLANS.
Chicken flautas, kitties and a lazy tv night. Ah, God is good. It is nice to feel peace.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Craziness
Life is speeding up again and I'm not happy about it. I need to take my time and smell the roses. If I had any to smell! I miss my roses a lot. Each and every bush that I planted. I planted 7 rose bushes at my old house.....and they are doing beautifully, despite their current owner's hatred of them! :-) I think it's cosmic justice.
Work is going really good. I've found my groove, and I've also been trying to step up my game, to compete for "top dog." I think that I already have it but I have to stay sharp.
So every where there is pressure trying to creep into my life. I don't mind responsibility but pressure is when you take it too far. What I do to combat pressure: I listen to Christian radio as I drive to work, on my lunch hour I listen to it too, different problems because I go at different times every day. I listen to the Bible Answer Man on my way home from work. Other ways I combat pressure: I get enough sleep. I take a lot of sleep and usually am in bed by 9:30 and sleep until 6:55! It takes me about 20 minutes to get ready for work then it's hurry to the job.....while I listen and learn about God.
When I first moved here I used to spend my mornings crying, my lunch hour crying and the drive home to pick up my kids for their "visit" crying. I've come so far or should I say, God has brought me so far. He has set me free. He has freed my head from the thoughts and feelings that tried to take my very life on multiple occasions. He has freed me to be the kind of mom I've always wanted and wanted to be. I have hope for the first time in a long time. Just two years ago I was despondent.
Two years of excruciating pain and unimaginable growth. It took one to have the other. I had to go through the pain to get to the joy. Now, with each passing day there are more and more days with joy and less and less days filled with unhappiness.
I have dreams and goals and yes, even hopes for my future and the future of my children. Only God knows the plans He has for my life but if God is in control then He can do amazing things through me, to me and for me. I literally wouldn't have made it through the last two years unless I had a real, vital and tangible relationship with my God. He has become my all in all.
If you're reading this then you're one of my trusted few that I have told about this site. If you're that important to me, then I ask that you pray for me and for the girl's dad. Pray that God would change his heart as much as He has changed mine. Pray that I can become willing to forgive him....even if we are no longer married I still need to forgive him for the past. If I don't forgive him then I am tied to my past and that is not my reality: God has set me free and I want to be free indeed!
To have weight lifted off of my heart that has been there, festering and getting heavier year by year - to have that be lifted by God off of me is an example of His mercy. To be granted loving children with good health is grace. To get to live another day - joy.
night
Work is going really good. I've found my groove, and I've also been trying to step up my game, to compete for "top dog." I think that I already have it but I have to stay sharp.
So every where there is pressure trying to creep into my life. I don't mind responsibility but pressure is when you take it too far. What I do to combat pressure: I listen to Christian radio as I drive to work, on my lunch hour I listen to it too, different problems because I go at different times every day. I listen to the Bible Answer Man on my way home from work. Other ways I combat pressure: I get enough sleep. I take a lot of sleep and usually am in bed by 9:30 and sleep until 6:55! It takes me about 20 minutes to get ready for work then it's hurry to the job.....while I listen and learn about God.
When I first moved here I used to spend my mornings crying, my lunch hour crying and the drive home to pick up my kids for their "visit" crying. I've come so far or should I say, God has brought me so far. He has set me free. He has freed my head from the thoughts and feelings that tried to take my very life on multiple occasions. He has freed me to be the kind of mom I've always wanted and wanted to be. I have hope for the first time in a long time. Just two years ago I was despondent.
Two years of excruciating pain and unimaginable growth. It took one to have the other. I had to go through the pain to get to the joy. Now, with each passing day there are more and more days with joy and less and less days filled with unhappiness.
I have dreams and goals and yes, even hopes for my future and the future of my children. Only God knows the plans He has for my life but if God is in control then He can do amazing things through me, to me and for me. I literally wouldn't have made it through the last two years unless I had a real, vital and tangible relationship with my God. He has become my all in all.
If you're reading this then you're one of my trusted few that I have told about this site. If you're that important to me, then I ask that you pray for me and for the girl's dad. Pray that God would change his heart as much as He has changed mine. Pray that I can become willing to forgive him....even if we are no longer married I still need to forgive him for the past. If I don't forgive him then I am tied to my past and that is not my reality: God has set me free and I want to be free indeed!
To have weight lifted off of my heart that has been there, festering and getting heavier year by year - to have that be lifted by God off of me is an example of His mercy. To be granted loving children with good health is grace. To get to live another day - joy.
night
Monday, August 9, 2010
Goodness and Gracious of My Heavenly Father
God is moving. He is leading and it's exciting! Tonight I feel good. Inside and out. I feel whole for the first time in forever. I know "whole" sounds all therapy-ish but it's really how I feel. For years I felt fractured into little pieces, broken inside and out. God has taken me from broken to whole in just two short but long years!
It seems like now things that were once overwhelming are easier than they used to be. I'm stronger inside - stronger than I ever was and it took great adversity to make me strong. It's brought about proven character and proven character has brought about HOPE. With a capital H.
I tell people that God is good a lot and I know that if you're hurting that may not be how you feel about Him. Sometimes when you're hurting you feel like He should be doing something different than He is. What is amazing is that He knew each day of your life before you even took your first breath. He knows the number of hairs on your head. He knows when one of His sparrows falls from the sky. How great is His love toward us. Toward us even when we were sinners, He sent His very own son to die for our sins. For us. Took our place. That still amazes me and I've been a Christian for quite some time now.
God uses people who show up. People who want to be used. I very much want to be used of God. Right now my mission field is equipping my children to live with their dad. I know that sounds funny if you don't know my history but it's necessary. I'm equipping them with good self esteems so when they go to school they will know what God thinks about them and how much they are loved by their mom.
Humbled tonight to talk with my family, far away as they were. Miss them a lot and wish they were closer. Good thing I have unlimited minutes.
Tonight I marvel at the goodness and graciousness of my Heavenly Father. He truly is all I need. He is the breathe and life of me, He is my hope and my tomorrow. He is my yesterday and forever. He's been there with me through some of the darkest times that I've ever been through. Times that would have crushed my spirit before now do not. God has rebuilt me, He's infused me with courage and is using me in the lives of my children. It's cool.
I must put down the computer. I need to go read some Psalms and be uplifted.
Night!
It seems like now things that were once overwhelming are easier than they used to be. I'm stronger inside - stronger than I ever was and it took great adversity to make me strong. It's brought about proven character and proven character has brought about HOPE. With a capital H.
I tell people that God is good a lot and I know that if you're hurting that may not be how you feel about Him. Sometimes when you're hurting you feel like He should be doing something different than He is. What is amazing is that He knew each day of your life before you even took your first breath. He knows the number of hairs on your head. He knows when one of His sparrows falls from the sky. How great is His love toward us. Toward us even when we were sinners, He sent His very own son to die for our sins. For us. Took our place. That still amazes me and I've been a Christian for quite some time now.
God uses people who show up. People who want to be used. I very much want to be used of God. Right now my mission field is equipping my children to live with their dad. I know that sounds funny if you don't know my history but it's necessary. I'm equipping them with good self esteems so when they go to school they will know what God thinks about them and how much they are loved by their mom.
Humbled tonight to talk with my family, far away as they were. Miss them a lot and wish they were closer. Good thing I have unlimited minutes.
Tonight I marvel at the goodness and graciousness of my Heavenly Father. He truly is all I need. He is the breathe and life of me, He is my hope and my tomorrow. He is my yesterday and forever. He's been there with me through some of the darkest times that I've ever been through. Times that would have crushed my spirit before now do not. God has rebuilt me, He's infused me with courage and is using me in the lives of my children. It's cool.
I must put down the computer. I need to go read some Psalms and be uplifted.
Night!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Foggy Noodle
Today I just felt as if I were in a fog. It was weird. I felt like I worked and worked and worked and didn't get anything done. I had almost no clarity and it was annoying.
I hope tomorrow goes good. I've been working really really hard all week.
I'm thinking that the stress of this pending divorce is just slowly leaching the energy from my body. Must go to bed tonight early so I can pray and spend time with God. Lots to pray about. Many people who need His help and presence.
To all who read you are the joys of my life, thank you for your friendship be ye near or far.
night
I hope tomorrow goes good. I've been working really really hard all week.
I'm thinking that the stress of this pending divorce is just slowly leaching the energy from my body. Must go to bed tonight early so I can pray and spend time with God. Lots to pray about. Many people who need His help and presence.
To all who read you are the joys of my life, thank you for your friendship be ye near or far.
night
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I remain His
Another day has passed. It was busy today at work which made it go by quickly. I was ready for lunch at 10 this morning! I tried something new for lunch - yummy vegetables. Good for me too.
Glad it's almost time to turn in.
I feel like all my creative juices have just dried up. ! (could be I'm just tired and worn out!)
Until tomorrow
I remain
His. The Father's.
Glad it's almost time to turn in.
I feel like all my creative juices have just dried up. ! (could be I'm just tired and worn out!)
Until tomorrow
I remain
His. The Father's.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Stepping Up
Another day. Another day closer but to what? Another day closer to moving. Another day closer to being single. Again. So many years after I was single for the first time. I have excitement about my future but it is still a little scary too.
Work is going really good which is a good thing. I have tried to step it up, challenge myself to be better, out perform my colleagues. He might not realize it but my goal is to out-do, out-smart and out-perform my colleague. If a leadership position opens up then I want it. I want to be the number one candidate for it. That is why I'm stepping up my game.
I'm tired so I'm calling it.
Work is going really good which is a good thing. I have tried to step it up, challenge myself to be better, out perform my colleagues. He might not realize it but my goal is to out-do, out-smart and out-perform my colleague. If a leadership position opens up then I want it. I want to be the number one candidate for it. That is why I'm stepping up my game.
I'm tired so I'm calling it.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Mixed Feelings
Today I am having mixed feelings. On the way home from the movie I just cried and cried as I thought about the fact that in about a month or so the judge is going to decree that we are divorced. My feelings are mixed because I know that I cannot live with the man I was married to until God changes Him. I just cannot. So I have to let him go, I have to say goodbye and leave him in God's care. But my heart will go with him. I gave it to him the day we married. He's trying to give it back and I don't want it back. I still want him to have it. (see I told you that I had mixed feelings).
Going through a divorce is right up there on the list of life's most stressful events. I should do research but I'll wager it's in the top 5 most stressful things. I feel let down, betrayed, unloved, hurt and broken. All because of one phrase "I wanted to tell you that I filed for divorce yesterday." That phrase forever burned in my memory like a horrific string of words that it is. That is when my world literally turned upside down. Every value I held dear, every thing and person I trusted was now suspect. I clung to the few people I trusted and I poured out my soul to them. Including my dad, my brothers, my sister in law, and a few really really good and old friends. You know who you are.
God is good. We throw that phrase around in church a lot. Think about it. Do you really really believe it? When your child dies from cancer, do you believe God is good? When you lose your job and you're one paycheck away from being homeless, do you believe that God is good? It is during those times when you are tested that your faith is tested. I have been through the fire and what remains is beautiful. It's gold. The shallowness of my old self is gone and I am made pure by going through this "fire" or trial in my life.
Loving God when things are going good is easy. Loving God when your world is falling apart is harder. Loving God when you are devastated at the state of where you are is true, unadulterated faith. I now have THAT kind of faith but it has taken 20 years of struggling. It has taken me recovering from being an alcoholic, it has taken me recovering from this illness and that, it has taken me being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and it took me wanting to end my life until I came to appreciate my life and the gift that it is. You see, I am worth something to God. He looked inside a long time ago and saw something beautiful and He has upheld me in His right hand every since. Through the darkness, through the depression that falls upon my soul like a daily burden I bear.
I mean, there are times when I feel true joy, but for the most part, I struggle with depression every single day of my life. They have me on good medications which help make me stable but I still struggle with the sadness that is inside. It's physiological, it is NOT a choice. I am a dichotomy - one half of me is this person who struggles what seem to be incredible battles and the other side of me is this person who now knows how much she is worth to God. It took me going through the fire to realize my own self-worth. To realize that all those times when I checked myself into the hospital because I no longer wanted to live were for a purpose. God was knitting together a history.
I've always felt like I was experiencing these struggles for a greater purpose. That someday, somehow, someway I will be able to help many people go through their own struggles too. That desire is burned into my heart. It is the desire of my heart - to help others. To be an example of what it is like to honor God in the midst of life's most difficult times. I just want to honor Him.
Going through a divorce is right up there on the list of life's most stressful events. I should do research but I'll wager it's in the top 5 most stressful things. I feel let down, betrayed, unloved, hurt and broken. All because of one phrase "I wanted to tell you that I filed for divorce yesterday." That phrase forever burned in my memory like a horrific string of words that it is. That is when my world literally turned upside down. Every value I held dear, every thing and person I trusted was now suspect. I clung to the few people I trusted and I poured out my soul to them. Including my dad, my brothers, my sister in law, and a few really really good and old friends. You know who you are.
God is good. We throw that phrase around in church a lot. Think about it. Do you really really believe it? When your child dies from cancer, do you believe God is good? When you lose your job and you're one paycheck away from being homeless, do you believe that God is good? It is during those times when you are tested that your faith is tested. I have been through the fire and what remains is beautiful. It's gold. The shallowness of my old self is gone and I am made pure by going through this "fire" or trial in my life.
Loving God when things are going good is easy. Loving God when your world is falling apart is harder. Loving God when you are devastated at the state of where you are is true, unadulterated faith. I now have THAT kind of faith but it has taken 20 years of struggling. It has taken me recovering from being an alcoholic, it has taken me recovering from this illness and that, it has taken me being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and it took me wanting to end my life until I came to appreciate my life and the gift that it is. You see, I am worth something to God. He looked inside a long time ago and saw something beautiful and He has upheld me in His right hand every since. Through the darkness, through the depression that falls upon my soul like a daily burden I bear.
I mean, there are times when I feel true joy, but for the most part, I struggle with depression every single day of my life. They have me on good medications which help make me stable but I still struggle with the sadness that is inside. It's physiological, it is NOT a choice. I am a dichotomy - one half of me is this person who struggles what seem to be incredible battles and the other side of me is this person who now knows how much she is worth to God. It took me going through the fire to realize my own self-worth. To realize that all those times when I checked myself into the hospital because I no longer wanted to live were for a purpose. God was knitting together a history.
I've always felt like I was experiencing these struggles for a greater purpose. That someday, somehow, someway I will be able to help many people go through their own struggles too. That desire is burned into my heart. It is the desire of my heart - to help others. To be an example of what it is like to honor God in the midst of life's most difficult times. I just want to honor Him.
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