$451.00 and a Dad!

Well, I'm moved.  Everything here except for vacuum and steam cleaner which is at old place for cleaning person to use tomorrow or Monday.  Oh my goodness you should have seen what was under my bed!  I could never move it as it is a large bed.....and when the movers did I wanted to die of embarrassment although I'm sure they've seen worse.  Two guys did a great job.  I used Two Men and a Truck.  Used them 10-12 years ago to not too good then but today's guys were great.  Plus between me and my dad watching their every move I think they paid attention.  I mean, I deal with moving claims for a living so knew what to tell them, what to do, etc.

So I'm officially moved.  I even took a nap this afternoon.  Crazy.  I slept two hours like a baby.  It was much needed as the stress of this week caught up with me.  Tomorrow I must get a lock for storage unit, and meet with cleaning lady and oh, get some more steam cleaner fluid/soap stuff.  I hope that I am able to get most of my deposit back from my place I moved but I doubt it.  Today I caught a box on fire when I put it on the stove and it hit the on knob.  Crazy.

I plan to work until I can't tonight then sleep in, get up and meet with lady, then who knows?  I was going to do something later tomorrow but I think those plans changed so if so, I'll just hang out at my new place.

Realized when I was thinking about the dollar store and I'm like; I could run up and get that...only its 30 blocks from here.  I'm going to have to go exploring my new neighborhood to REALLY see what is here.

One cat is hiding inside the bottom kitchen cabinets!  She's too scared to come out.  Very funny.

I have like 5 boxes of pancakes...not full boxes...all these half boxes....it was funny to unpack them.  My friend who helped me pack probably thought I was nutso.  We don't even eat pancakes all that often!  I must just not remember if I do or don't have a box while shopping without a list (I don't recommend) and then pick up a box.  Cheap dinner.  Add some scrambled eggs and we have happy campers here.

I hung some pictures in my kitchen.  They were the first birthday gift I got when I moved out.  Special to me.  They hang over my sink so I will see them every single day.  I like that a lot!   So will the kids.

Can't wait until the kiddos get to come here.  I am so anxious to wrap them in my arms and introduce them to their new home.  I am hoping they don't think it's dinky and the carpet (which is brown) is hideous.  I am thinking it will hide a world of dirty kids!  And I have a steam cleaner!

I just realized that I'm happy.  Really, really happy.  The last place I had to find, had to be close to school, etc. Never once felt at home there.  This place has potential.  I might even buy houseplants.  (although I tend NOT to do good at house plants).  I am watching the most beautiful sunset over to the west of here.  It is spectacular and I have a great view (and also a great view of how dirty my sliding doors are!).

A little concerned as the safety chain is up high and little one can't reach it.  Might have to have my dad or maintenance do their thing.  I need to find my light bulbs for my lamp...this place needs light in the living room.  There are no overhead lights in the whole living room.

Just happy.  So happy.  Happy that I made it here, got everything packed up (for the most part), happy that I had JUST ENOUGH money to move here.  10 days until payday.  Lord, make my dollars stretch. Please let me have just what I need to make it, buy groceries for next weekend with the kids, etc.  Lord stretch my dollars please!

Oh the $451.00 was the mover's fee!  That's not quite $10/item/box.  They did a good job and I was pleased.  It would be awesome and I had twelve friends with big trucks but I don't.   I also have a very busy family so I was just thankful dad took this morning to help me.  Then he took me to lunch and we talked about God.  It was nice.  I think the lunch was my favorite part of the day.  I love my parents both very much.  My dad understands and listens.  My mom just KNOWS me like I know mine!

Until next time...which might be later tonight, never know!

Whole Lot of Packing Going On

Packing it up, moving on up.  Or over...or up the street.  Actually downsizing....new apartment smaller than this one.  Last count was 34 boxes.  That is crazy.  Hope the movers are strong and fast as they charge by the hour with a two hour minimum plus trip charge.

Gotta get up to get kids to school then head to WalMart for more boxes. I hope they have smaller ones.  I like the ones I got there but they are huge.  I need some smaller ones to just throw last minute things in.

I'm SO TIRED.  Maxed out.  Praying that God will renew my body tonight while I sleep.  Tomorrow I get new place.....new keys.....very excited.  Cable guy coming in the afternoon to install cable.  Must remember to take TV and cable modem.

Going to go find the Alleve bottle and some cats.  I'm TIRED.  Worked hard all day packing, laundry, folding, throwing out trash, organizing, etc.  I am so sick of moving.  It's not even funny.

Now I lay me down to sleep....or in the next hour or so....going to see if I packed every book I own...

Until next time.  I might be in new place on my next blog posting!!!  Very excited.

Little Things I'm Thankful For

Tonight I am thankful for the little things.  A productive day at work.  A talk with a co-worker on a break.  A wonderful home cooked meal.  Good friends.  A sense of normalcy is returning to my life again after being gone for so very long.  Normal is good.  Normal is very nice.

Today although I knew I was going to be stressed out I just decided that I was going to do my work heartily as unto the Lord.  That my worship today was doing the best job I could with the tasks that I had in front of me.

Got to talk to the kids tonight.  That was great.  I miss them.  Just one more day and I get them overnight.  They will not be with me when I move this weekend but will instead be coming the following weekend.  That is going to be great.  I want some time to get some things unpacked and try to make things a little homey before they get there.  After moving expenses I figure I'm pretty much broke for the rest of month.  It will just be gas and food money.  NOTHING else unless emergency.

So funny that two days ago I prayed about two issues in my life and I asked God for direction on both issues and He answered in spades!  Now I have to step out in faith on one of them and trust that I am following God.   The second one God just provided for me in a tangible way and it was great and neat.

Tonight I'm thankful for furry kitties who love to hang out with me.  Yeah yeah I know not everyone likes cats but they have been SO GOOD for my heart.  To not be here alone was so nice.  They were good for the kids too.  Are good for the kids.

Tonight I am thankful for friends, from long ago who have come back into my life after we both lived some of life.  Nice to be friends again.

Thankful to have a warm bed and home to sleep in.  Thankful to have a job in this economy.  Thankful to have health insurance.  Thankful for my children.  Thankful to God for giving me all these things.

Yep, I had another happy day.  I like that I'm having more happy days than non-happy days.  This is a good trend I have going!  Thank you, God, for blessing me richly.

A Day Redeemed

Today I had the hardest day; I started out feeling defeated at work and personally.  Just struggling with doubting decisions I've made and choices.  Struggling with my inability to achieve what I need to at work.  Knowing that the stress going on in personal life is what is keeping my focus off of work and I'm off my game.  I broke down on my lunch hour and just cried and cried.  Worried over the what ifs.

This afternoon was a little better.  I felt better after getting back from lunch.  Nothing like Chinese vegetable fried rice to sooth a girl's frustrations.  (during her work day anyway!).  I actually got some things done this afternoon.

We are in the busy time at work.

I am so swamped here at home but took time to have some fun tonight too and it was just good ole fun.  The laugh your socks off kind.  It was what my heart needed: a good laugh with a friend.  Now I'm home, trying to unwind.  Glad to be back here.  Going to be even more glad to leave here this weekend.  Need to figure out what is smelling weird here.  Ever since I turned on heat it stinks in here.  Hopefully I can get it figured out or it will go away when I steam clean the carpets.

I'm calling it a night.  This evening redeemed my day.  Laughter renewed my soul.  Friendship renewed my heart.  I am at peace once again.  ahhhh

Until next time.....I remain......

So tired.

I'm so tired.  Sooo sooo sooooo tired.  I hope that I can get a good night's sleep tonight and this week.  This is going to be a long couple of weeks that I'm heading into and I need God's strength to get me through it because I know that I will not make it on my own.

Today I had to make a decision based on what was best for kids, even if not what I wanted to do.  I swallowed my pride and ask for help from their dad and he stepped up.  It was nice.  I cannot worry if this will someday be spun into why I'm unfit or this or that.  Today I just got help and it was nice.

I packed another box or so today.  I'm hoping to basically get my bedroom packed maybe tomorrow night....and just put what clothes I'm keeping out in my lowly suitcase.  I'm probably getting more boxes from multiple sources tomorrow.

Fairly sure my cat has laid in the same spot for going on 4 hours.  It's classic.

I am just WORN OUT.  Physically and mentally.  This was a great week and I'm just tired.  Realized the B12 shot they gave me is 1/3 of what I take on a DAILY BASIS and they think it will last two weeks.  I might abandon the shot thing and go back to the supplements although expensive.  They charged me a co-pay for a nurse's only appointment, didn't even see the doctor.  That did not make me happy.  And so if I go in two weeks, that's $60 which is the same amount a bottle of supplements cost and they last over a month, maybe two.  I haven't felt good since I quit taking those supplements....they are a megavitamin my neurologist recommended.

Tonight I am done.  No more packing, no more tape.  Just relaxing.   This would be the kind of night it would be great to light a fire and watch a movie with a special someone.  Now I just need a special someone.  Course doubt I'll get many takers on my 19" tv I'm borrowing from my brother.  ha.  Life was meant to be shared with others, that's all I'm saying.  I think that one of the things I miss the most is just being held in someone's arms, whether a hug or otherwise.  Just that wonderfully safe feeling when someone's arms are wrapped around you and the worries of the world seem to melt away.  I haven't had that in probably six years.  That's gonna change.

I want to have people in my "home" again, even if it is a little tiny apartment with two cats.  I'll lock up the cats if they bother people.  I want to make dinner, hang out, sit on the sofa and talk until we're too tired then say goodnight and go our separate ways.  I want to play games, hear people's stories, watch movies, invite other people's kids over for my kids.  That stuff.

One day at a time.  One moment at a time.  One breath at a time.  and so on and so forth.  God will grant the grace and peace.  I just need to ask.

Night all

Grace Falling

Big day. Worn out. God's good.  Grace fell from Heaven then landed on me then was sprinkled by joy.  God is truly good and is worthy of praise.  Worthy of MY praise.  To Him be all the glory.

Seriously can't wait to sit at the throne and sing holy holy holy is the Lord.

Until that day
I wait.  Feet on earth while mind in heaven.

Heart's Desires

Day two of happiness.  I almost said day two of normality.  It was just a nice, plain, normal day.  I took on too many projects as I am known for and unfortunately didn't get as much done as I would have liked but I did process a couple of things.

It seemed to be a very long day.  You have those?  The kind where you seem to be watching the clock a lot?  Then, this afternoon the lady who works about 10 feet from me and talks literally non-stop all day, decided at 4:15 that her chair mat had mold on it.  Then she gets the broom and starts sweeping all over.  So then by the time she started on the black mold I told her to be careful; that she ought to wear a mask; that mold can be very dangerous when inhaled, she's like "I smoked for twenty years!"  I mumbled and then my eyes and nose started to freak out.  I walked past them quickly waving my hand in front of face.  I am EXTREMELY allergic to mold and dust and the lady had stirred up both.  I literally went upstairs to my friend's cubicle and sat there and talked for 20 minutes.  Then as I was waiting to clock out the same lady (who had to clean) came by and apologized.  I'm like, I was honestly concerned for your health but yes, I am very allergic and cannot be around it AT ALL.  The word dingbat wants to pop out but then I sound like a horrid girl for saying that.  She is what I would call the stereotypical blonde: talks a lot and is dingy.  'nuff said.

I went home and we had pancakes tonight for dinner, I think the only real food in the house the kids would eat.  We need to go to the grocery store tomorrow night.  I hope they are not exhausted.  They get tomorrow off for some reason.   So liable to come to my house very tired.  I need their help this weekend to pack.  The oldest tonight was feeling sentimental after packing for ten minutes I had him/her laying in my lap, with big tears eecking out of tiny eyes.  I told him/her that I thought maybe he/she was feeling a little overwhelmed with the idea of moving, maybe a little scared, unsure, going to miss this place and the tears burst out at that point.  Well if there is one thing I can say about myself I know my kids and the way they process their emotions.

I fear that I have something stinky in my fridge.  I am going to purge it tomorrow night or in the morning as it is NOT good!

I am having a lonely night.  As I near moving again I am reminded that it is alone.  Although I will have tiny visitors, I will still be alone.  I'm tired of being alone.  Very tired of it.  I'm tired of eating alone, I'm tired of watching tv alone, I'm tired of going to movies alone, I'm tired of cooking alone, I'm tired of going to the grocery store alone, I am tired of sleeping alone.  There I've said it all.  I have now admitted to the public at large how very pathetic I sound tonight.  Or how very human.

I am excited about moving though.  Something exciting about starting my life over.  That is really what it is and what it feels like.  I am moving, getting divorced and changing from the inside out.  I need God's help for both my insides and outsides.  I have been eating a ton better than I used to but still I am the same weight.  My body does not lose weight.  It is very frustrating.

This morning I got a vitamin B12 shot as I am deficient in that vitamin; my body doesn't process it like everyone else's.  So we'll see how long the shot works for.  They didn't give me very much and I'm supposed to go back in two weeks for another shot and maybe a test.  They told me that it wasn't a co-pay and it was.  That made me mad.  The whole point of doing this was so that insurance would cover it.  If I do it monthly it is cheaper but by the time I add in a multi-vitamin back onto that I was paying what I was paying to take it orally.  Win some, lose some I guess.  The good news is that they are going to monitor my B12 levels a lot more often.  I have a sneaking suspicion that my B12 levels and my vitamin D levels were related to a lot of my depression.  The kind that wasn't situational.

Is it wrong to want to be a stay at home mom again?  Even if I only have kids part-time?  I want to be a full time wife and mom.  That would be SO NICE.  I enjoy doing things at work but do not feel this inward drive to achieve and have a career or get recognition in that way.  For me, serving my family is the best.  If I had it to do over again, this time I would: have lunch with kids once a week at their school as long as they let me, I would be more organized, take my family's health a little more seriously.  I want to give my heart to someone again.  That sounds nice.  Maybe a little silly but I think nice.  I want to trust someone and have them trust me, every day, for the rest of my life.  I want to grow old with him, I want to be a grandma someday.  Have lots of little grandkids running about house and yard.  I want to garden again.  I want to be in love, truly and deeply in love with someone again.  That is my prayer to the Lord. It was a while back and will continue to be so.  Ultimately I want to do what God wants me to do, those are just my heart's desires.  Now I will wait to see how God leads me and what He asks of me.

I want to remember what it was like to be so crazy in love that you sit around thinking of nice things to do for the other person just because you love them.  Whether it is something you could do for them, cook for them, do around the house or elsewhere.  I want to be crazy in love and have my children get to see it.  My children do not remember when we were happy.  They just remember the last few years and that's sad.  I want my kids to see me happy and loving someone again.  I want to show them that I do believe in marriage, disagree with divorce but didn't have choice.  I want to show them what a Christian mom looks like....I mean, they see that now, but I want them to see me married.  I think it would be good for them.  I know it would be good for them.  I do not want a third generation of their family to experience divorce.  (perhaps I shall start praying for THEIR future and their future spouses and marriages).

Tonight I'm happy and lonely at the same time.  I could get used to this happiness thing.  This is more like joy - this is being experienced while under great stress and very hard times.....happiness is relative to a situation.

Lord, please bring me someone who will lead me.  Someone I want to follow.  Someone whose faith is strong and whose heart is sure.  Bring me someone who will take the lead in the relationship, inspire me to follow him together as we serve the Lord.  Bring me someone who I love talking to, love spending time with and generally just love hanging out with.  Bring me someone who can deal with my ups and downs lovingly while being patient.  Bring me someone who loves you Lord.  More than anyone or anything in his life.  Bring me someone who is a leader in whatever he does.  Bring me someone who needs me and who I need too.  Bring me someone who makes me laugh.  Bring me someone who makes my heart beat a little faster.  Bring me someone who is giving and loving and caring.  Lord, bring me someone who will love my children even though it will be an adjustment for all.  Work in his heart now Lord on this issue because the kids and I are a package deal!  Lord, I do not want Mr. Wonderful; I want the person YOU want me to be with.  Lord, please reveal this person to me in a clear way.  Make it so obvious that I have to see your hand in it.

Lord I give you these things tonight.  Thank you for giving me Your joy today.  Thank you for giving me two great days in a row; please help me continue to give you the glory for what is going on in my life.  Give me patience this weekend as I pack.  Give me wisdom and strength and courage and all the things I'll need this weekend with the kids.

I give myself to you, Lord.  Use me.