Day two of happiness. I almost said day two of normality. It was just a nice, plain, normal day. I took on too many projects as I am known for and unfortunately didn't get as much done as I would have liked but I did process a couple of things.
It seemed to be a very long day. You have those? The kind where you seem to be watching the clock a lot? Then, this afternoon the lady who works about 10 feet from me and talks literally non-stop all day, decided at 4:15 that her chair mat had mold on it. Then she gets the broom and starts sweeping all over. So then by the time she started on the black mold I told her to be careful; that she ought to wear a mask; that mold can be very dangerous when inhaled, she's like "I smoked for twenty years!" I mumbled and then my eyes and nose started to freak out. I walked past them quickly waving my hand in front of face. I am EXTREMELY allergic to mold and dust and the lady had stirred up both. I literally went upstairs to my friend's cubicle and sat there and talked for 20 minutes. Then as I was waiting to clock out the same lady (who had to clean) came by and apologized. I'm like, I was honestly concerned for your health but yes, I am very allergic and cannot be around it AT ALL. The word dingbat wants to pop out but then I sound like a horrid girl for saying that. She is what I would call the stereotypical blonde: talks a lot and is dingy. 'nuff said.
I went home and we had pancakes tonight for dinner, I think the only real food in the house the kids would eat. We need to go to the grocery store tomorrow night. I hope they are not exhausted. They get tomorrow off for some reason. So liable to come to my house very tired. I need their help this weekend to pack. The oldest tonight was feeling sentimental after packing for ten minutes I had him/her laying in my lap, with big tears eecking out of tiny eyes. I told him/her that I thought maybe he/she was feeling a little overwhelmed with the idea of moving, maybe a little scared, unsure, going to miss this place and the tears burst out at that point. Well if there is one thing I can say about myself I know my kids and the way they process their emotions.
I fear that I have something stinky in my fridge. I am going to purge it tomorrow night or in the morning as it is NOT good!
I am having a lonely night. As I near moving again I am reminded that it is alone. Although I will have tiny visitors, I will still be alone. I'm tired of being alone. Very tired of it. I'm tired of eating alone, I'm tired of watching tv alone, I'm tired of going to movies alone, I'm tired of cooking alone, I'm tired of going to the grocery store alone, I am tired of sleeping alone. There I've said it all. I have now admitted to the public at large how very pathetic I sound tonight. Or how very human.
I am excited about moving though. Something exciting about starting my life over. That is really what it is and what it feels like. I am moving, getting divorced and changing from the inside out. I need God's help for both my insides and outsides. I have been eating a ton better than I used to but still I am the same weight. My body does not lose weight. It is very frustrating.
This morning I got a vitamin B12 shot as I am deficient in that vitamin; my body doesn't process it like everyone else's. So we'll see how long the shot works for. They didn't give me very much and I'm supposed to go back in two weeks for another shot and maybe a test. They told me that it wasn't a co-pay and it was. That made me mad. The whole point of doing this was so that insurance would cover it. If I do it monthly it is cheaper but by the time I add in a multi-vitamin back onto that I was paying what I was paying to take it orally. Win some, lose some I guess. The good news is that they are going to monitor my B12 levels a lot more often. I have a sneaking suspicion that my B12 levels and my vitamin D levels were related to a lot of my depression. The kind that wasn't situational.
Is it wrong to want to be a stay at home mom again? Even if I only have kids part-time? I want to be a full time wife and mom. That would be SO NICE. I enjoy doing things at work but do not feel this inward drive to achieve and have a career or get recognition in that way. For me, serving my family is the best. If I had it to do over again, this time I would: have lunch with kids once a week at their school as long as they let me, I would be more organized, take my family's health a little more seriously. I want to give my heart to someone again. That sounds nice. Maybe a little silly but I think nice. I want to trust someone and have them trust me, every day, for the rest of my life. I want to grow old with him, I want to be a grandma someday. Have lots of little grandkids running about house and yard. I want to garden again. I want to be in love, truly and deeply in love with someone again. That is my prayer to the Lord. It was a while back and will continue to be so. Ultimately I want to do what God wants me to do, those are just my heart's desires. Now I will wait to see how God leads me and what He asks of me.
I want to remember what it was like to be so crazy in love that you sit around thinking of nice things to do for the other person just because you love them. Whether it is something you could do for them, cook for them, do around the house or elsewhere. I want to be crazy in love and have my children get to see it. My children do not remember when we were happy. They just remember the last few years and that's sad. I want my kids to see me happy and loving someone again. I want to show them that I do believe in marriage, disagree with divorce but didn't have choice. I want to show them what a Christian mom looks like....I mean, they see that now, but I want them to see me married. I think it would be good for them. I know it would be good for them. I do not want a third generation of their family to experience divorce. (perhaps I shall start praying for THEIR future and their future spouses and marriages).
Tonight I'm happy and lonely at the same time. I could get used to this happiness thing. This is more like joy - this is being experienced while under great stress and very hard times.....happiness is relative to a situation.
Lord, please bring me someone who will lead me. Someone I want to follow. Someone whose faith is strong and whose heart is sure. Bring me someone who will take the lead in the relationship, inspire me to follow him together as we serve the Lord. Bring me someone who I love talking to, love spending time with and generally just love hanging out with. Bring me someone who can deal with my ups and downs lovingly while being patient. Bring me someone who loves you Lord. More than anyone or anything in his life. Bring me someone who is a leader in whatever he does. Bring me someone who needs me and who I need too. Bring me someone who makes me laugh. Bring me someone who makes my heart beat a little faster. Bring me someone who is giving and loving and caring. Lord, bring me someone who will love my children even though it will be an adjustment for all. Work in his heart now Lord on this issue because the kids and I are a package deal! Lord, I do not want Mr. Wonderful; I want the person YOU want me to be with. Lord, please reveal this person to me in a clear way. Make it so obvious that I have to see your hand in it.
Lord I give you these things tonight. Thank you for giving me Your joy today. Thank you for giving me two great days in a row; please help me continue to give you the glory for what is going on in my life. Give me patience this weekend as I pack. Give me wisdom and strength and courage and all the things I'll need this weekend with the kids.
I give myself to you, Lord. Use me.
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