Tonight I let it Go

Tonight I let go.  Of what you ask?  Well, tonight I let go of some really deep seeded anger that I had toward my soon to be ex-spouse and toward God.  After I dropped off the kids tonight I drove to the first place where I told him how I felt about him.  I remember it like yesterday.  The first time we held hands, kissed.

It's been 10 years.  Tonight I went to that spot to give him back to the Lord.  What was interesting was what I realized is that I wasn't angry with my spouse, I was angry at God for not fixing what He could easily have fixed.  I have been furious at my maker for two years now.  I've held onto bitterness, anger, and my resentment became like a favorite shirt or sweater - one you always wear.

Tonight I let go of my spouse.  I let go of the fact that we are never going to be married again.  That God has chosen NOT to fix our marriage and that is His will.  I do know and believe that God has what I hope to be an even better plan for the remainder of my life.  Whether that be to remarry to someone, someday, or to remain single, I told God tonight that I would follow Him, wherever He leads me and serve Him through thick and thin.

Tonight I let go of all the hurt feelings.  We're not talking about garden variety hurts that were inflicted.  We're talking about domestic abuse.  Letting go means that although I was once victimized I am not a victim anymore and I need to stop acting like one.  I need to give myself permission to laugh once in a while, to experience joy, to remember who I used to be.  To remember who THAT girl is, that woman.

I got so lost for so many years.  I was lost in a horrible marriage, my health plumeted, and my emotional and mental health went down the tubes.  Nothing and no one, no medicine, no procedure, nothing could make me better.  Do you want to know the day I started to get better was the day I moved out.  Even though I never wanted this pending divorce I feel it is a second chance at life.  A cherished, blessed chance at being whole, being His, being content in whatever circumstances God puts me in.

I have felt so unloved and been unloved by my best friend and spouse for so many years I am not sure if I know how to let myself be vulnerable, to take down some of the walls I put up to protect me from him. But for me to move forward, make new friends, maybe someday fall in love I'm going to have to trust my heart to another person again.  Tonight as I sit here that freaks me out on one hand and sounds lovely on the other.  Maybe it's both things?

Tonight I am letting go of who he used to think I was and told me I was.  I'm letting go of those mean things.  Tonight I am laying those very deep hurts down at the foot of the cross.  Tonight I'm remembering who I am in Christ.  I am a child of God, a strong woman, a great mother, a good employee, and I would like to think a nice person.  My self worth does not come from what others say about me, it comes from what God created me to be and from who and what He says I am.  I am forgiven.

Tonight I'm laying it down. The hurt, anger, bitterness, resentment, insecurity, fear, anxiety, depression, everything. I give it up, I lay it down.  It has hurt me for too long and I have learned much but now I am ready to move toward people, toward relationships with others.  (that thought scares me to death).

Tonight I prayed for the person God has for me someday.  Or I should say that I prayed there would be someone for me, a chance at love, an opportunity to share my life, my heart, my kids, with another.  Fact is, although I sometimes act tough I am scared to death!  The idea that I could re-marry someone kind, Christian, a leader, a good dad, and someone willing to take on this very complex person that I am...sounds wonderful.  I truly hope that God will grant me a second chance at love because I have the biggest heart and just want to give it to someone to hold.  I need someone who is more dominant than I am (but in a Godly way), stronger (I want him to lead, I want to follow), FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Tonight I told God that I do not want to go to that same parking lot 10 years from now.  I want to marry again FOR LIFE.  Through thick, thin, happy, sad, sickness, health until death parts us in this world.  Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  I have this amazing sense of peace that has wrapped around me since I prayed tonight.  The worry is gone, the anxiety is gone.  It's just peace.  Tranquil heart....where o where have you been?  Do you know how long it has been since my heart was tranquil?  Probably about 8 years.  Maybe longer.  Maybe even before I got married.

All I have to say is this is not going to be my death sentence.  I want God to use me, however He wants, all my life.  Right now that means being a mom to the kids.  That means being a good employee, working hard, making a living.  My future just started tonight because tonight I let it go.