My kids have no reality what I do for a living. One just thinks that I can go on field trips anytime like his/her dad does. I'm like "I have a job and have to be there honey." How do I explain that my vacation hours this year are being burned on court dates and hearings, on packing and on moving? How do I explain that I'm not a stay at home mom anymore and that I have responsibilities to take care of them and that means having a job? Still the guilt crept in and I was insanely jealous that I cannot go on his/her field trip. I'll not get to be the room mother, participate much in PTA or do any mom-like things.
I think that lately I've become painfully aware that I do not like to be alone. For a while I just shielded my heart from aloneness and had resided myself with that being my future. Now I've been given a glimpse at what God could do in my life and I am no longer just happy being alone.
I don't want my old life back. I want what God wants and that is so much better than what I had the first time around. I believe that this time around He is going to give me a husband who hungers and thirsts after righteousness. A husband who lifts me up, encourages my spirit. A husband who makes me smile and that I want to talk to all the time. A new best friend. I want to be able to come home from work (If I continue working, which I'd love to be a stay at home mom/wife), and hang out with the kids. His, mine or other. I want a husband who is truly a partner in parenting. I don't need someone to do it all for me, I just need someone to assist in the things that need to be done.
I want to be wildly, passionately in love with someone. That kind of love that makes you giddy and twitterpatted. That kind that makes you weak in the knees. The kind that makes you think about them and being with them all day.
Ah, the dream. Now the reality: sitting here alone in a dark room on my laptop. Kids in other room trying to sleep. Wondering if I'll have any adult conversation tonight or if I'll turn in early. Wondering if I will have the strength to make it through another wild weekend with the kids! God designed man and woman for each other, in every way: spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically. A good relationship will have a healthy balance of all four. That is what I want - a normal, happy marriage FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I want to be married and old. I want to grow old with someone. The same someone that I marry next. This is my second chance and I'm not blowing this for anything in the world.
God, please give me your heart's desire and my heart's desire if that would be Your will. Please send me someone who can come alongside me, partner with me and help me lead my little family. I am not looking to replace their dad, only looking to fill the void in my life with someone wonderful. God, if you're listening and if you follow my blog, I give this request to You tonight.
Thank you God, for my many blessings, including the two little people asleep in the other room.
No comments:
Post a Comment