I haven't written much on here lately. I've been (1) busy and (2) tired. Tonight I had to cancel my time with the kids because I do not feel good. I know my limits and I know what would push me over.
Been thinking about a lot of things, one including forgiveness. I have realized that the resentments that I'm still holding onto regarding my marriage and my life with him, are causing me to physically and mentally be ill. I need to let some or all of it go.
What does it mean when a woman who was in an abusive relationship says she forgives her husband? Does that mean she is letting him off the hook? Well, in a way yes. If I can forgive my spouse, I can let God give him any consequences he has coming his way. Ultimately we will all have to stand before God to answer for our lives, choices and decisions. I don't want to be the girl who "almost" lived.
I feel like my resentment is keeping me from being ME. It is also keeping me from feeling free as a mother. I'm tired of being paranoid if I screw something up that I could potentially have my children yanked from me. I cannot live under that stress any more. So I have to let it go. That is easier said than done.
Forgiving someone who isn't repentful is hard. If he'd even own up to his half of things I've already apologized way back when for my part in it and asked for a second chance. Needless and obvious to say he turned down that request.
There are so many broken things in my heart I'm not sure that I'll ever sort them all out. The person who I was married to is still in my head. When I do something "wrong" or different I hear him. When I lose my temper around the kids I hear his condemnation in my head saying "see I told you so. She is unfit. The kids should live with me." That is my very worst fear in the world. I fear my children being taken from me more than dying.
Pray for me to have the will and spirit to forgive. How do you forgive when some of the things you feel are probably justified? They shouldn't have happened to me. I guess that I don't get to be judge and jury. God has His hand over us all.
Somebody told me something last night and there is nothing like hearing truth that is hard to hear, from a friend. A friend who cares enough about you to tell you hard things. This person basically said that I've spent the last two years proving and showing everyone that I'm a fit mom, etc. but I haven't taken care of myself. I put myself last. It was so true. Immediately I knew that I needed to (1) take better care of myself physically and also (2) take better care of myself emotionally. I still do counseling, etc. For me, just talking to friends about my past, my situation has been more helpful than a thousand counseling sessions.
It made me think "as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." That is what friendship and relationship with others is all about.
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