Not Your Basic Cream of Wheat Day

Amazing day.  Started out with Cream of Wheat with the kids for breakfast then baths, hanging out, lunch then getting all fancy to attend a memorial for a dear friend of my family who recently went to be with Jesus.

I wanted my kids to go to this memorial today for several reasons: (1) I wanted them to experience a memorial service of someone who was a believer in life and (2) I felt like it was important for them to share this with me.  One of mine tonight told me "mom I've never seen you cry that much."  To which I said "I cry all the time I just don't always show you."  Then we talked about how the human part of us misses people when they die but if the person who died is a believer in God, a Christian, that it is also a time for rejoicing.

I was amazed.  At one point during a praise song I looked over at my youngest and heard him/her singing along with every word to the song, and he/she can't even read yet!  It humbled me and also made me extremely proud.

I have had one of the hardest weeks of my life this past week.  There were times when I did not think that I literally could go on anymore.  I wasn't depressed or despondent, I was literally just worn out.  Worn down.  Beaten down.  Somehow, someway there is always enough grace for the next day.  I get just enough sleep to cope with the stress.

Some of my family are mad at me because of a question that I asked my soon to be ex spouse the other day.  I do not want to go back to him but I did need my question answered so that I could have closure.  Well apparently it made my mom so upset she could barely cope and my dad is having a sit down to talk meeting with me on Monday night.  I do not feel like I did anything wrong.  I needed the closure.  Now I have it and I can walk away knowing that I did my best.  How in the world can a parent be mad at you/me for doing that?  I feel not only that what I did was right, it was necessary for me to do in order to process the finality of the ending of this marriage.

I'm thinking: okay five minutes before I leave work I print out the divorce decree from the other side the other attorney emailed to my attorney who forwarded to me.  I get done reading these papers and then I get in my car and my parents cancel coming to my child's party today and cancel eating with us.  Because I asked my spouse if this was really the decision he wanted to make (divorce).  I did nothing wrong; I spoke to my mother with respect and I frankly resent the fact that I have to go talk to my dad about the whole issue.  I'm 39.  If I wanted to get back with my husband I would have done it two years ago, not this week.  I do not desire to go back to him or to the abuse.  I have been set free and I am free indeed.

So I'm driving home, after my phone call and receiving my divorce decree.  Thank God it was raining and took a while to drive to pick up the kids.  I was able to place a call to one of my sisters in law who talked me through it and prayed for and with me.  I literally did not know if I was capable of going on for another minute.  I'm not saying I wanted to die that's not it.  I was facing a weekend with my kids smack dab in the crux of the end of the divorce and my parents are mad at me.  I had had enough.  My boss was giving me grief because I requested time off to attend my kid's doctor's appointments.  I have 80 hours of time off that is legally mine to take and I requested about 10 hours off in the next month so that I can attend these doctor's visits.  My boss sent a veiled threat in an email and I had a half mind to take it to HR but then just took a lunch break, got some perspective, gave him the benefit of the doubt and just let it go.  I have responsibilities in addition to working (I am a single parent now) and that includes taking care of your children's health.

I swear I can't take one more thing or I'm going to snap.  So I pray.  I pray and I pray and I pray for more of God.  More of what He wants for me.  Apparently right now He has me going through the fire.  Watched a Veggie Tales movie with the kids tonight.  The verse was "I can do all things through Christ."  So I talked to my oldest about that and when my little one was brushing her/his teeth I asked her/him if he/she knew the verse and yes was the answer.  I said that it was a good one to hide in your heart and your brain...a good one to remember.

So tonight the same God who gave David the courage to fight Goliath and the same God who protected Israel protects me.  That concept rocks my world.  Lord I need your supernatural healing because I'm just worn out.  I do not think that I can face another day of the stress.

Lord I give it all to you.  I accept the good and the hard from You and I trust that You are caring for my hurting heart and for my children.  I give to you my marriage which is ending, I give to you my health (which isn't great), I give to you my job (which I am barely hanging onto), I give to you my children (who I can't have as much as I'd like right now).  I give to you my worries about being able to provide financially for my children.  Lord I pray that you would provide a job for me that would compensate me so that I can stand on my own two feet.  Lord I thank you for my family, although imperfect, You knew that I needed THIS family and that is why you had them adopt me.  We were chosen for each other.  So enough of the pettiness.  Life is too short to spend it being angry at anyone, deserved or undeserved.

Lord I life up the family of the man we honored today.  Lord we miss him but know that You have healed Him and he is in a perfect body, in perfect health, probably playing a perfect round of golf on the fairways of gold and emeralds.  Comfort his children Lord.  I listened to them today and was so touched by the maturity of his kids and their intense love for the Lord.  Lord, please give his wife comfort in a way that only you can at this time.  She is very brave.  They all are.  So tonight Lord please comfort them.

Lord I give you my life, again, tonight, to serve You.  Lord right now I feel like David facing Goliath and I feel like Goliath is winning and I'm scared and I'm tired and I'm lonely and I do not have the resources in me to cope with this level of stress.  So I beseech you Lord to keep walking with me and I'd like to give you the load I've been carrying around.  I can no longer do anything without you and so tonight again I just give it all back to you.  The hurt, the anxiety, the worry, the sadness, the loneliness.  All the ways the enemy has tried to use to defeat me, Lord I give them all back to you.  You alone are worthy to be loved and served.

I must sleep now.  It's 8:40.  I must sleep.

Another Day, Grateful

Another day has passed.  I did not die from stress although I had high stress all day.  My boss was giving me grief about requesting time off to attend my children's doctor's appointments.  Seriously.  I'm at the point that if I get pushed much more I'm going to blow up at somebody.  I do not want that to happen.  So I breathe, pray a lot and read my Bible.

I need to break it down into manageable parts.  One hour at a time, one minute at a time.  Until the next one, then do what is in front of me right then.  Keep working as hard as possible even though the stress and pain seems unbearable.

I should go to bed before my early riser gets up!  I've got one that's usually climbing into bed no later than 6 on the weekends.  Oh well.  I've got 10 minutes until lights out.

I've learned a lot about myself in the last couple of months.  I started to remember.  I started to remember who I really am.  Then I continue to read about who Jesus thinks I am and take that to heart.  The God of the universe, the one who spread the stars in the sky and named them all knows ME intimately.  There are not words for that.

Although I know it's not my time, I cannot wait to get to Heaven.  In Heaven I will be healed, in a perfect body with no aches and pains.  My body will be glorified.  I will worship at the throne singing Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come.  I cannot wait until that day. When I can meet up with those who have gone before me and we can rejoice with each other and with our Lord.  Won't that be great?  How long, O Lord? How long must we wait?

Come quickly Lord Jesus.

Grant Me the Serenity

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

-amen-

Tonight I need just a taste of serenity.  Please let the chaos stop so that I can have just a little bit of serenity. God I need the peace that only You can bring to my heart and my mind.  There's no relief from this chaos down here Lord.  I know that everything is in your Hands but my heart is tired and my body is weary and my mind just hurts.  My heart was broken long ago and not so long ago again.

Lord I want to just rest in your arms tonight.  I just want to be like a child huddled on the lap of her parent. I want to wrap my arms around you when I get to Heaven and I want to hear more than anything else I desire in this world "well done my good and faithful servant."

So tonight Lord could you give me more of You?  Can you equip my heart with Teflon so that I can let the hurt just roll off of me?

Lord I want more of you.  Help me through tonight.  Give me your mercy and grace tonight Lord.

Lyrics of a song

Tonight on my way home from counseling I was listening to a Christian song that had the lyrics "we are more than the sum of our mistakes" and I thought WOW.  We need to be preaching this off the tops of buildings.  We need to share the amazing and wonderful way God forgives us.  How amazing and how much love he had for us that He sent his ONLY son (can you imagine, mothers?) to die on a cross for our sins.

I am NOT the sum of my mistakes.  I have been forgiven, as far as the east is from the west, it says in the Bible.  I love that verse and cling to it.  When my past and the thoughts from my past and people are running their "tapes" through my brain, I just remember, I've given it all to God, asked forgiveness for my part in it all and I'M FORGIVEN.  Not kinda, not sorta.  Completely and totally.

Let that rock your world tonight.  There is NOTHING anyone can do that will ever again change the way I see myself because for perhaps the first time in my life I see myself as God sees me.  I am okay being me.  I like me.

Lately a thing or two has gotten my focus off of the truth in my heart and in the Word.  I am loved by God, blessed to be His and am beautiful inside and out.  There is not one thing any one person can do to me to change that fact.  For the first time in my life I'm okay being me.  It took a bit of a total overhaul of my heart to get to this place and a lot of prayer and input from people.

So tonight if you're not feeling so great about who you are, if you are a Christian, CELEBRATE because you are one of God's chosen, you're beautiful.  Just the way you are.  Not 5 lbs from now.  Not if this or that happens.  Right now.  You are exactly who God wants you to be at this very moment in your life.  That doesn't mean that He won't ask for change if something needs it but tonight just rest in Him.

Friendships, relationships are just blips on the screen.  Honestly it's going to take a lot more than a person to make me doubt who I am in Christ.  It's going to take a lot more than being treated unfairly.  No longer does my past have power over me.  I've let it go. Not going to hang onto it anymore.  God has given me new dreams in place of my shattered dreams.  (for those of you who haven't read it, go buy the Larry Crabb book "Shattered Dreams").  

I know my place, my purpose and my calling.  I am at peace.  Glory to God for that.

Closing Ranks

I'm closing ranks again.  Now is when I close ranks around my little family and focus on US.  Focus on loving them unconditionally, like only a mama can do.  I'm closing ranks.  This means people who used to be in my life are no longer going to have a role in my life.  I need to take care of myself and limit my exposure to people who are not helpful to me.

For me, I have nothing left to give.  I am tapped out.  I need to re-charge so that I can begin to fill refill me. I don't mean this in a selfish kind of way.  I have a responsibility only to myself and my kids to take care of myself, to serve at church, to love God with every fiber in me.

I'm just done.  I can't or won't go into details here but I'm done.  I've had one thing too many happen and now I'm out.

God's in control of my life, who comes in and out of it.  I've frankly got too much else going on to worry about anyone that isn't one of my kids or my family.  I just don't have it in me.  Seriously.  I'm on my last bit of energy and I do not have any more to give anyone else.  Is that selfish?  Maybe.  I think it's just called being responsible and knowing your limits.

This morning I cried at work, had to go outside to just let it out.  Then at lunch, I cried again.  Then tonight I cried most of the way home.  I spent some time talking to my sister in law which was good.  Now I am ready to rest....and chill out.  I just want to pet my furry kitty and hear her purr.

I am going back to my original dream: someday I want a tiny house built for three.  Me and my little people.  We're going to have flowers, a beautiful yard and a garden out back.  The house will be filled with love.  It will be the house the other kids want to come to.

Back to basics.  That does not include people who suck me dry then leave me for dead.

I need to go to the stream of living water and drink.

It's Raining Over My Head or "How to Learn to Love the Rain"

Discouragement is an understatement.  I can't even list what is going on in my life for fear that somehow someway it will be used in court against me.  One shouldn't have to think about every single word she says or writes down....or who will wind up with it.  That'll make you nuts.  I'm just saying.

What I would like to address tonight is the issue of honesty and how that affects both relationships but even your mere friendships.  If you, say, ignore, a friend for long periods of time, that says something.  It says you value other things and people more than you value that friendship.  If you're going to do this to someone, at least have the guts to tell this really good friend before her feelings get hurt.

Even here I can't write what I want.  It's extremely frustrating.  If I write what I want I risk losing a friend and I cannot risk that right now.  If I don't write what I need to say, at some point I will regret that.  So tonight I will consider the matter, think on it and pray about what, if anything, I am to do or say.

What I really want to do today is YELL, scream, cry, throw a hissy fit.  I cried all the way home from the movie.

Why not me?  Why not pick me?  Do I have something written on my forehead that makes people run away?  I want the same as everyone else.  I want to love and be loved.  Forever.  By one man.  For the rest of my life.

Heck at this point I'd just really like to be given the time of day which I used to have but don't seem to have anymore.  I'm not quite sure what I did and frankly I have enough stress in my life so adding someone to it probably would not be the best idea but I'm the type that once you find something special, grab onto it, and never let it go.

Says the girl whose husband is divorcing her.

So tomorrow I might have to change jobs.  AGAIN.  I'm so tired of change.  It's seriously stressing me out.  The worst part is that I don't have anyone to talk to about it.  I can't write it in an email because my goodness my every written word could somehow be evidence against me in court, so here I sit.  Utterly alone.

Nobody has any idea how I'm doing and again I do not know who to trust.  It's a horrible place to be in.  I have a few what I thought were good friends and some are and some are not turning out to be.  Such is life.

I'm tired of change.  In the last two years, I've had two employers, 4 jobs between the two.  I've moved twice.  I have a different vehicle.   I went from stay at home mom to single mom who is worn to a frazzle.  I feel like I make a step forward....then BAM something happens.  I mean, I know and have seen God's care and caring through all of it.  How He's just taking care of me now.

So in the midst of the chaos I stand, it's raining on my head, and I know that God's got the cloud right where He wants it.  He doesn't want to shield me from the rain, instead he wants me to learn to love rain.  To love it enough to be able to somehow rejoice while it's raining.  (only God could think that up).

Rubber meets the road.   I go to work every day with (I try) the attitude to "do all things heartily as unto the Lord."  So tomorrow I will walk into work, not knowing my future there and just pray that it works out the way my boss suggested it could on Friday.  I need that job, any job, and cannot afford to fall apart now.

So like I do when things get hard, I just give it back to God.  I'll cry and fuss a little first, then I will ultimately just fall on Him.  Right now He's all I've got.  (and a few really true blue people who know about this blog).

Faith is not easy.  But it's worth it.  Grace is amazing but it doesn't come cheaply.  Mercy is undeserved but our Savior died and gave us all.  God, I'm relying on you as my God, the lover of my soul, my companion, my leader, and the head of this family, to hold me together in one piece.

So if you are a friend, please pray for me.  I need more faith.  I need more of God.  I need to trust more and give my trust to God completely.  Pray that God will watch over me.  Pray that God will take care of my friend who also has a broken heart.

Missing my Little People

Being without my children for me is like hell on earth.  I know, in the big scheme of things there are much worse things but for me, this is the hardest thing that I've ever had to endure.  Sometimes the pain of not having them here is unbearable like it is tonight.  I miss them intensely.  A two minute phone conversation does not cut it for me tonight.  I want their little selves here with me, in our HOME.

Today I've been "nesting" in my new apartment.  I really want this place to feel like home because my last place was NOT.  I detested being there, it felt like torture because my home, where my babies were, was right up the street.  The nice thing about the new place is that everything up here is new.  New home,  new place, new place to make a life.

My little one asked me the other day if when we move from here will it be into a house?  I told him/her "I hope so honey but I don't know."  It is like the very thing that I want to provide for them (home of our own) is a million years away.  It's at least 5 years away.  By then my oldest will be a teenager and it will just be different.