Amazing day. Started out with Cream of Wheat with the kids for breakfast then baths, hanging out, lunch then getting all fancy to attend a memorial for a dear friend of my family who recently went to be with Jesus.
I wanted my kids to go to this memorial today for several reasons: (1) I wanted them to experience a memorial service of someone who was a believer in life and (2) I felt like it was important for them to share this with me. One of mine tonight told me "mom I've never seen you cry that much." To which I said "I cry all the time I just don't always show you." Then we talked about how the human part of us misses people when they die but if the person who died is a believer in God, a Christian, that it is also a time for rejoicing.
I was amazed. At one point during a praise song I looked over at my youngest and heard him/her singing along with every word to the song, and he/she can't even read yet! It humbled me and also made me extremely proud.
I have had one of the hardest weeks of my life this past week. There were times when I did not think that I literally could go on anymore. I wasn't depressed or despondent, I was literally just worn out. Worn down. Beaten down. Somehow, someway there is always enough grace for the next day. I get just enough sleep to cope with the stress.
Some of my family are mad at me because of a question that I asked my soon to be ex spouse the other day. I do not want to go back to him but I did need my question answered so that I could have closure. Well apparently it made my mom so upset she could barely cope and my dad is having a sit down to talk meeting with me on Monday night. I do not feel like I did anything wrong. I needed the closure. Now I have it and I can walk away knowing that I did my best. How in the world can a parent be mad at you/me for doing that? I feel not only that what I did was right, it was necessary for me to do in order to process the finality of the ending of this marriage.
I'm thinking: okay five minutes before I leave work I print out the divorce decree from the other side the other attorney emailed to my attorney who forwarded to me. I get done reading these papers and then I get in my car and my parents cancel coming to my child's party today and cancel eating with us. Because I asked my spouse if this was really the decision he wanted to make (divorce). I did nothing wrong; I spoke to my mother with respect and I frankly resent the fact that I have to go talk to my dad about the whole issue. I'm 39. If I wanted to get back with my husband I would have done it two years ago, not this week. I do not desire to go back to him or to the abuse. I have been set free and I am free indeed.
So I'm driving home, after my phone call and receiving my divorce decree. Thank God it was raining and took a while to drive to pick up the kids. I was able to place a call to one of my sisters in law who talked me through it and prayed for and with me. I literally did not know if I was capable of going on for another minute. I'm not saying I wanted to die that's not it. I was facing a weekend with my kids smack dab in the crux of the end of the divorce and my parents are mad at me. I had had enough. My boss was giving me grief because I requested time off to attend my kid's doctor's appointments. I have 80 hours of time off that is legally mine to take and I requested about 10 hours off in the next month so that I can attend these doctor's visits. My boss sent a veiled threat in an email and I had a half mind to take it to HR but then just took a lunch break, got some perspective, gave him the benefit of the doubt and just let it go. I have responsibilities in addition to working (I am a single parent now) and that includes taking care of your children's health.
I swear I can't take one more thing or I'm going to snap. So I pray. I pray and I pray and I pray for more of God. More of what He wants for me. Apparently right now He has me going through the fire. Watched a Veggie Tales movie with the kids tonight. The verse was "I can do all things through Christ." So I talked to my oldest about that and when my little one was brushing her/his teeth I asked her/him if he/she knew the verse and yes was the answer. I said that it was a good one to hide in your heart and your brain...a good one to remember.
So tonight the same God who gave David the courage to fight Goliath and the same God who protected Israel protects me. That concept rocks my world. Lord I need your supernatural healing because I'm just worn out. I do not think that I can face another day of the stress.
Lord I give it all to you. I accept the good and the hard from You and I trust that You are caring for my hurting heart and for my children. I give to you my marriage which is ending, I give to you my health (which isn't great), I give to you my job (which I am barely hanging onto), I give to you my children (who I can't have as much as I'd like right now). I give to you my worries about being able to provide financially for my children. Lord I pray that you would provide a job for me that would compensate me so that I can stand on my own two feet. Lord I thank you for my family, although imperfect, You knew that I needed THIS family and that is why you had them adopt me. We were chosen for each other. So enough of the pettiness. Life is too short to spend it being angry at anyone, deserved or undeserved.
Lord I life up the family of the man we honored today. Lord we miss him but know that You have healed Him and he is in a perfect body, in perfect health, probably playing a perfect round of golf on the fairways of gold and emeralds. Comfort his children Lord. I listened to them today and was so touched by the maturity of his kids and their intense love for the Lord. Lord, please give his wife comfort in a way that only you can at this time. She is very brave. They all are. So tonight Lord please comfort them.
Lord I give you my life, again, tonight, to serve You. Lord right now I feel like David facing Goliath and I feel like Goliath is winning and I'm scared and I'm tired and I'm lonely and I do not have the resources in me to cope with this level of stress. So I beseech you Lord to keep walking with me and I'd like to give you the load I've been carrying around. I can no longer do anything without you and so tonight again I just give it all back to you. The hurt, the anxiety, the worry, the sadness, the loneliness. All the ways the enemy has tried to use to defeat me, Lord I give them all back to you. You alone are worthy to be loved and served.
I must sleep now. It's 8:40. I must sleep.
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