Alone On A Saturday Night

I hate the weekends with no kids.  They are long and lonely.  I hate being by myself sometimes.  Most of the time I do okay with it but tonight I  don't feel very brave, very hopeful or very courageous.  I feel tired, beat down and beaten.  I know the Bible says His strength is perfected in our weakness.  If that's the case then He's definitely stronger.

I have been alone all day the only people I've spoken to were at Whole Foods and the movie theater.  I took a nap which was nice.

I'm just done.  Given it all back to Jesus.  The author and finisher of my faith.  There is no one to help, no one to talk to, even family has pulled away to some extent.  Then again when I came to the cross it was just me and Jesus.  It's just me and Jesus tonight as I sit in this tiny apartment.

I know and trust my Lord but it doesn't make going down this path any easier.  It doesn't erase the pain of divorce.  It doesn't erase.   He has healed me from the inside out and transformed me into a woman who is a lot more like him than she used to be.

But I'm still human.  I still experience feeling down.  Tonight I thought about thinking about how many weekends I would have with the kids until they are grown.  Then I thought that was a rotten attitude and remembered my own advice given earlier this week.

What keeps me going are the two little faces that are counting on me.  Counting on me to bring stability into their lives...to bring unconditional love and grace to their lives.  To be brave even when I don't feel like it.  Who knows, maybe someday they will read these posts at some point.  I wonder what they will think of me.  I hope that when they are grown and know more about the situation, they will know that their mama did everything in her power to protect them and to love them, no matter what.  If I could spare them the knowing that would be even better.  Unfortunately if I actually decide to write a book like I've talked about they are going to read about it.

So I will choose my words carefully as I tell my story.  In the beginning, there was a girl....who grew up....