Today I had unexpected peace. I got up this morning and kept thinking "I can do all things through Christ" and DID. I worked hard, dealt with my attorney on issues needing to be changed or added to the final papers. I cancelled a meeting with a family member in lieu of having lunch with him tomorrow instead. I'll probably have to cancel as my lunch hour is the only time I have to work on my legal case. But the issue is with my family and they are important.
Sitting here tonight, had the hardest three weeks of my life the last three weeks. I mean, I've had some hard ones in the last two years and the years before that. It was hard, very hard, but instead of quitting I kept going and just gave it all back to God to control and run.
This weekend I realized that I'd lost the joy the Lord put in me. But I regained it through the celebration of a life of an old friend who loved Jesus...and others. I also regained it by laughing with my children. By playing follow the leader in the cold autumn air at a local park. By having frozen yogurt at a fun new spot. By giggling, laughing, cooking together, cleaning together, being a family. Being with my children brings me back to what's important in my life. After God my life has been about them.
I've gained and lost friends recently. I'm not sure I fully understand it but know that God is in control still. I have behaved badly a while back and fear that I hurt some. My tongue is such trouble for me. I read James a lot. Apparently not enough. My tongue has gotten me into more problems over the years. As recent as probably a week or two ago I fear that I said something and alienated a friend.
I'm sitting here almost in stitches because my cat is snoring so loudly and it sounds like a song. It's really humorous. I resonate with her challenges as I also snore badly when I do not wear my CPAP machine for the sleep apnea.
I figure that if God continues to work in my life at the pace that He has the last couple of years; well, the world better look out because I might light it up with passion for Jesus. This has undoubtedly been the hardest two years, make that 5-6 years I've ever had so far. I've gone from the despondency of being suicidal multiple times to the place where I'm at today, at the other end of the spectrum. I've just clung to God, even when I was in and out of the hospital a few years ago with depression. I knew that ending my life would be wrong yet I lacked the courage to live it. I was overwhelmed by poor health, depression and the reality that I was living in an abusive marriage and did not know it.
So here I sit, many years past, seems like forever on one hand and on the other it seems like just yesterday when the children were born and I was a young mother who had the pleasure of being a stay at home mom. Now I toil away, at a very hard and stressful job, still not quite supporting myself and I constantly wonder. What am I going to do in another year? The human side of me worries. Then I remember that God, the same God who put all the stars in the sky and named them intimately cares for me and promises to take care of me. I have had difficult financial times. I'd had to choose between food and medicine a couple of times a while back but slowly I feel like I'm gaining momentum. I would love a job someday maybe working with kids. Of course my dream job would be to be a mom again full time. I fear that I'll never have that again and that I'll only get to experience half of my kid's lives. Divorce took away what I most cared about (my children) and I've had to fight to get where I am now. I've learned how to work hard, work multiple jobs, how to take care of myself, but more than that, I've learned how to not take any single moment of my children's lives for granted. Each day with them is a gift to be cherished.
It's 8:15 and I am ready for bed. Might be God's way of telling me that it's time to turn in, go read His word before I drift off to sleep.
Lord I need more of You. I need your peace again tomorrow as I work with my attorney. I need your peace as I speak with my father. I need more of you tonight Lord. Watch over my children. Send an angel to watch over each corner of their beds until I can be with them again on Thursday. Protect us. Bless us with more of You. Infect us with your love for others. Lord help me to speak up to my friend at work who needs You Lord. I want to lead her to you but I haven't. Give me the courage and the words to speak to her.
Lord, please help me continue to keep my job and to be able to finish strong before I start my new position. Lord I need your strength to make it through the end of the year. Lord please provide for me so that I can move my things from our home into storage as I wait until Phase III. Lord I need you to provide for my financial needs so that I can afford the moving team, the packers, to get moved out in the time the judge allowed.
Lord work on my friend's hearts so that they will want to help me if they have time. I need a lot of help Lord and I feel so alone. Lord, just fill me with more of You.
Until next time,
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