Things We Do for Our Families

Things we do for our families, children.  Yesterday I spent time with my family for Thanksgiving.  Although it was pleasant, I just wanted to leave.  I want THANKSGIVING with MY family.  It was hard to be without the kids that day.

I went through the whole day and not one single person asked me how I was doing.  I politely told our hostess how lovely everything was and how good, I don't think she responded.  My parents are still mad at me, I can tell by how distant they same.

Tonight I am not worrying about this, I have enough on my own plate to worry about others today.  No that does not mean I'm selfish, it means that I need to tend to first things first.  I wonder: does any one of them really care that I submitted my divorce decree on Friday to the other side, that we are weeks away from it being over.

I feel disillusioned with people.  Let down.  Some of the best support that I've gotten has come from family, some has come from really good friends in far away cities.  Bottom line, God has brought great people into my life.  Then why do I still feel so alone?

A friend of mine, or someone who used to be friends with me, is telling me one week how he wants to work it out with his wife and the next week is in a "relationship" with someone?  Okay.  They're not even divorced yet.  Some call me weird but I am waiting until I am divorced to proceed with DATING and we all know what we mean by that.

I'm disillusioned at people.  I feel once again like I'm on the outside looking in.  I've felt that way my whole life, that I didn't belong anywhere.  Then I got married, I had children that were my own flesh and blood, a husband who loved me and I finally felt for the first time in my life that I belonged.  I had a place in this world.  Now that has been ripped away.

I trust God.  I do not understand His ways but I do know that He has my every day numbered and knows what shall happen on it.  Lord how did my car breaking down and my children fighting tonight honor you?  I should point out the car started working on its own,  the children eventually calmed down and there is peace once again in my house.

I am tired of being lonely.  I joined some dumb website that will remain nameless and no one will return emails.  Am I hideous?  Last I checked I did not have a giant wart on my forehead?  Maybe if I looked like Barbie I would get more action.  Well b-s, I look how I look, been a little busy the last 6 years trying to STAY ALIVE and sane and honestly keeping up at the gym wasnt' a priority.  Getting emotionally healthy was.

All my life I had the feeling that I was made or something great; to do something great.  Yet I'm in a job that probably isn't going anywhere, my marriage is gone, I have my kids less than half the time.  Maybe my something big is learning and exercising how to praise God in the midst of chaos and troubled times. I've certainly learned how to do that.  My relationship with God is the only thing that has sustained me through it all.  God has become my parent, my best friend, my spouse, my everything.

I must hit the sheets as I have one who wakes up SUPER EARLY at my house!  I you are one of my readers please pray for me.  The holidays are extra hard to be alone.  Plus I'm finishing my divorce right smack dab in between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Pray for courage, pray for the ability to be alone, but also pray that God will bring me some additional new friends that I can hang out with.  I need people in my life.