Tonight I have a few things to say. 1. God is good. No matter what. 2. I'm going to follow Him. No matter what I face. and 3. No one is going to get my focus off of what is important to me and that is this, in this order A. God B. My children C. My family D. My friends E. My church F. My job.
I know where I am in life, I know where I'm going and I'm trusting God to take me there in His time. The world can throw all the sludge at me it wants because I am not going to cave. In the Bible it even says that God loves the broken hearted. So I'm in good company. God loves me just the way that I am. People's manipulations are just that and they're petty and silly.
One thing that I've noticed over the years is Christians often shoot their own wounded. I think that is a shame. One reason that I write this blog is so that other people, especially women, can know that they are not alone and that there is Someone bigger than their problems (God) to help. I write this blog as much for myself as for others. If I wanted fame I would promote the blog but I don't. I have about 10-15 followers and that is pushing it.
Makes me even more determined to keep writing my book because I have a lot to say and a voice to say it finally. I know who I am in Christ and want others to know who they are too. Perhaps I will spend less time on the burgeoning business and more time on the book. Ah but it's all so fun!
Tonight I leave you with this. When "life" beats you down, get up. When someone laughs at you, walk away. When someone hurts you, forgive them. Even if you have to forgive them every single day for the rest of your life. 70 x 7 to the extreme. For some circumstances forgiveness is something you give another on a daily basis. Holding onto hate will just rot your insides and make you miserable and who wants to live like that? I sure don't!
Tonight I let go, I give it all back to God (and there is a lot), and I choose to forgive.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Credo
Another very productive day. Even got the dog washed today! Man alive he must have rolled in mud when I wasn't looking. It was funny. Giving a retriever a bath is like giving him a present. It was sweet. Now the slightly damp dog is laying under my right elbow, cuddling. It is quite sweet.
Was able to get a lot of things priced today which was good. Snagged a nap which is always a nice thing on my weekends by myself.
Missing my little people something fierce. When they are not home with me I miss them more than life itself. Hopefully I will get to talk to them on the phone tonight. I need to hear their little voices. It's a mom thing. Something about hearing their voices every single day allows me to relax, to know they are safe and sound even though they are not always with me.
Spent some time talking to a friend and her words of wisdom and encouragement were just what I needed to hear. There is nothing like the kind word of a friend or confidante in order to battle what we're going through.
Today I am thankful. I am thankful for my life. I am thankful to be free. I am thankful to be able to make my own decisions. I am thankful to be me and to know that who I am is who and how God made me to be. Not that I am anywhere near perfect. God works on me each and every day and has for the past few years especially. I am stronger than anyone anticipated except maybe my mom who knows how stinkin tough I am. A month after divorce papers were filed, my mom gave me a Christmas ornament that was hand-carved and titled "courage" because she said that I have more courage than anyone she has ever known. I cherish that little statue and have it in my kitchen to remind me of who I am in Christ and what is possible with His help.
I'm most thankful for my children. They are: wonderful, artistic, sweet, thoughtful, generous, emotional, sensitive, and just the most amazing of gifts. Children are gifts from God that we parents get to care for but they are His. Always and forever. It is a pleasure to be their mother and it is what keeps me going day in and day out.
So this single mom is keeping her eyes on God, the author of my faith, the One who keeps me, the One who has forgiven my sins and is forgiving me daily for them as I do them. The Bible says and it's my favorite verse "As far as the east is from the west, so far He has removed our transgressions from us." I have made my peace with my Creator for my life and my choices (both good and bad) and have taken responsibility for them.
I am no longer the person I once was. Sure, there are parts of me who are the same but if anything I am more like the person I was before I got married. Hard to explain. I got lost for a while but I'M BACK and I'm not going anywhere. I like who I am today. I like the person Good is making me into. I like the person I already am. God says that I'm beautifully and wonderfully made. I believe that and tell my children that almost every time I see them. I want them to know who they really are in Christ.
This was longer than I had planned, must have had more on my heart than I realized at first.
Was able to get a lot of things priced today which was good. Snagged a nap which is always a nice thing on my weekends by myself.
Missing my little people something fierce. When they are not home with me I miss them more than life itself. Hopefully I will get to talk to them on the phone tonight. I need to hear their little voices. It's a mom thing. Something about hearing their voices every single day allows me to relax, to know they are safe and sound even though they are not always with me.
Spent some time talking to a friend and her words of wisdom and encouragement were just what I needed to hear. There is nothing like the kind word of a friend or confidante in order to battle what we're going through.
Today I am thankful. I am thankful for my life. I am thankful to be free. I am thankful to be able to make my own decisions. I am thankful to be me and to know that who I am is who and how God made me to be. Not that I am anywhere near perfect. God works on me each and every day and has for the past few years especially. I am stronger than anyone anticipated except maybe my mom who knows how stinkin tough I am. A month after divorce papers were filed, my mom gave me a Christmas ornament that was hand-carved and titled "courage" because she said that I have more courage than anyone she has ever known. I cherish that little statue and have it in my kitchen to remind me of who I am in Christ and what is possible with His help.
I'm most thankful for my children. They are: wonderful, artistic, sweet, thoughtful, generous, emotional, sensitive, and just the most amazing of gifts. Children are gifts from God that we parents get to care for but they are His. Always and forever. It is a pleasure to be their mother and it is what keeps me going day in and day out.
So this single mom is keeping her eyes on God, the author of my faith, the One who keeps me, the One who has forgiven my sins and is forgiving me daily for them as I do them. The Bible says and it's my favorite verse "As far as the east is from the west, so far He has removed our transgressions from us." I have made my peace with my Creator for my life and my choices (both good and bad) and have taken responsibility for them.
I am no longer the person I once was. Sure, there are parts of me who are the same but if anything I am more like the person I was before I got married. Hard to explain. I got lost for a while but I'M BACK and I'm not going anywhere. I like who I am today. I like the person Good is making me into. I like the person I already am. God says that I'm beautifully and wonderfully made. I believe that and tell my children that almost every time I see them. I want them to know who they really are in Christ.
This was longer than I had planned, must have had more on my heart than I realized at first.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Productive Day Today
I've had such a productive day today! Which was nice! I got some things done that were needed and some things I hadn't planned to work on.
I even got to talk to a good friend who had some good things to say to me. I am thankful for his friendship.
Tonight I am at peace. Now I'm just hanging out watching some tv which is fun. Work is good but everyone needs to take a break and relax.
Tomorrow is Easter Sunday where we celebrate our Lord's resurrection. Without the resurrection, it is the whole point of the gospel. Because He rose again, we have that ability when we die if we know Him. What an amazing gift God gave when He allowed His Son to take the sins of the world on Him!
Happy Easter everyone!
I even got to talk to a good friend who had some good things to say to me. I am thankful for his friendship.
Tonight I am at peace. Now I'm just hanging out watching some tv which is fun. Work is good but everyone needs to take a break and relax.
Tomorrow is Easter Sunday where we celebrate our Lord's resurrection. Without the resurrection, it is the whole point of the gospel. Because He rose again, we have that ability when we die if we know Him. What an amazing gift God gave when He allowed His Son to take the sins of the world on Him!
Happy Easter everyone!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
So tired
I'm just so tired. Exhausted. Made it through another day, intact. That is always a bonus.
Learning that people fail you. Over and over again. It is hard to trust, even with friends. I trust my children, and some of my family. It is too bad it is this way. My trust was utterly broken and betrayed when my ex-spouse no longer wanted to be married to me. Frankly it has not been intact ever since. I've become self-reliant in a way while still knowing that my very breath comes from God and that I control nothing.
I feel like I learn the same lessons over and over and over again. Perhaps that is life. Perhaps that is the Christian journey. Perhaps I am just dunce. Perhaps.
My life feels like it's spinning out of control a little bit and I'm in that space where all you have and all that you can do is trust God, with everything in you. He alone is trustworthy.
So tired. This gal's calling it a night.
Night all.
Learning that people fail you. Over and over again. It is hard to trust, even with friends. I trust my children, and some of my family. It is too bad it is this way. My trust was utterly broken and betrayed when my ex-spouse no longer wanted to be married to me. Frankly it has not been intact ever since. I've become self-reliant in a way while still knowing that my very breath comes from God and that I control nothing.
I feel like I learn the same lessons over and over and over again. Perhaps that is life. Perhaps that is the Christian journey. Perhaps I am just dunce. Perhaps.
My life feels like it's spinning out of control a little bit and I'm in that space where all you have and all that you can do is trust God, with everything in you. He alone is trustworthy.
So tired. This gal's calling it a night.
Night all.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
All about Priorities - NOT
Frustrated is how I feel. Sometimes those I love and who love me are less than supportive. I mentioned to one family member recently that I felt under the pile and his answer was "it's all about priorities." No, it's not. I'm under the pile because I have bipolar disorder and I'm struggling with depression. I cannot prioritize it away. I take care of myself, I get enough sleep, I care for my children and hold down a full time job. I don't do it all perfectly but who does.
So I will not prioritize. I will feel. I will allow myself to be human and to feel. I think those who do not have something productive to say should not say anything at all. I get that it is hard to know what to talk to someone who has bipolar disorder and be able to relate to them. Know that I like things like movies, kids, pets, the same things you like. I am NOT my disorder. I am also not a set of priorities.
Nor will I be silent if I'm not feeling good. I am my only advocate. I have no one to help me now that I am divorced. I have no one to rely on other than God. It is just me, all the time and there is no relief in site it seems. My hope comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.
I still get frustrated. People who have what I have are on permanent disability yet I refuse it and keep working and will work until I am no longer able to work. But it is hard to work full time and do what I do. I admit that. Doesn't mean that I'm stopping anytime soon but people need to understand that having bipolar disorder can be devastating to your life. My heart and mind want to do so many things and I feel trapped in this body that won't "behave" properly. I am going on 18 years of being diagnosed with it.
I will not give up, I will keep on keeping on. I will do my best. Someday when I go meet Jesus I want more than anything to hear Him say "well done my good and faithful servant." I'm probably not going to change the world or do anything dramatic but I do believe God has called me to be faithful as a mom of my children, be faithful in my job, at my church and to my family and friends. God has called me to be faithful in the little things because for me these little things are big things. Living my life with bipolar disorder is doing a big thing. It is being brave enough to keep on keeping on, because of my faith, so that I can continue to do the thing that I love most and that is be a mom to my children.
The kids have got to know I'm different. The oldest is smart enough and old enough to know something. I'll never be a normal soccer mom who hosts sleepovers and throws great parties. I will pledge to love the children with every fiber of my being for the rest of my life. That is my calling and my passion.
Please continue to pray with me and for me as I travel this road that God has for me. It's often not easy, in fact its often very very hard but I will not give up. I will keep on keeping on as long as God will allow me.
I feel buried and I have no help. That is a horrible feeling. My doctor helps but the practical help that I need he cannot do and I cannot ask others to do. Somehow this mom will have to find within herself or within God the strength to do what is necessary. Dealing with ex's is no fun but I am no longer going to be silent. I will do what is best for my children no matter the obstacle.
So pray. Pray for healing for my body and mind. Pray for peace. Pray for ENERGY as that is what I need the most. Pray that the meds will quit causing weight gain and I can go back down to where I was. It's like a terrible blur of things all stirred together like a tornado in a glass. Yet, having said that I know that God is faithful to complete the work He began with me until completion.
Hoping that I get this job that I applied for so that I can build up some financial reserves. I have gone through quite a bit of my own money being on FMLA leave and being on an abbreviated work schedule (still not full time yet). I have to trust that God will replenish my finances. The tax man hurt deeply this year. I'm trying to start this business in my spare time but in my spare time I'm so tired it is very hard to do. I keep on doing one or two or three items a day, eventually they'll be online and soon I can open my online store.
So many things hang heavy on my heart tonight. If you are my friend, pray with me. For me.
So I will not prioritize. I will feel. I will allow myself to be human and to feel. I think those who do not have something productive to say should not say anything at all. I get that it is hard to know what to talk to someone who has bipolar disorder and be able to relate to them. Know that I like things like movies, kids, pets, the same things you like. I am NOT my disorder. I am also not a set of priorities.
Nor will I be silent if I'm not feeling good. I am my only advocate. I have no one to help me now that I am divorced. I have no one to rely on other than God. It is just me, all the time and there is no relief in site it seems. My hope comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.
I still get frustrated. People who have what I have are on permanent disability yet I refuse it and keep working and will work until I am no longer able to work. But it is hard to work full time and do what I do. I admit that. Doesn't mean that I'm stopping anytime soon but people need to understand that having bipolar disorder can be devastating to your life. My heart and mind want to do so many things and I feel trapped in this body that won't "behave" properly. I am going on 18 years of being diagnosed with it.
I will not give up, I will keep on keeping on. I will do my best. Someday when I go meet Jesus I want more than anything to hear Him say "well done my good and faithful servant." I'm probably not going to change the world or do anything dramatic but I do believe God has called me to be faithful as a mom of my children, be faithful in my job, at my church and to my family and friends. God has called me to be faithful in the little things because for me these little things are big things. Living my life with bipolar disorder is doing a big thing. It is being brave enough to keep on keeping on, because of my faith, so that I can continue to do the thing that I love most and that is be a mom to my children.
The kids have got to know I'm different. The oldest is smart enough and old enough to know something. I'll never be a normal soccer mom who hosts sleepovers and throws great parties. I will pledge to love the children with every fiber of my being for the rest of my life. That is my calling and my passion.
Please continue to pray with me and for me as I travel this road that God has for me. It's often not easy, in fact its often very very hard but I will not give up. I will keep on keeping on as long as God will allow me.
I feel buried and I have no help. That is a horrible feeling. My doctor helps but the practical help that I need he cannot do and I cannot ask others to do. Somehow this mom will have to find within herself or within God the strength to do what is necessary. Dealing with ex's is no fun but I am no longer going to be silent. I will do what is best for my children no matter the obstacle.
So pray. Pray for healing for my body and mind. Pray for peace. Pray for ENERGY as that is what I need the most. Pray that the meds will quit causing weight gain and I can go back down to where I was. It's like a terrible blur of things all stirred together like a tornado in a glass. Yet, having said that I know that God is faithful to complete the work He began with me until completion.
Hoping that I get this job that I applied for so that I can build up some financial reserves. I have gone through quite a bit of my own money being on FMLA leave and being on an abbreviated work schedule (still not full time yet). I have to trust that God will replenish my finances. The tax man hurt deeply this year. I'm trying to start this business in my spare time but in my spare time I'm so tired it is very hard to do. I keep on doing one or two or three items a day, eventually they'll be online and soon I can open my online store.
So many things hang heavy on my heart tonight. If you are my friend, pray with me. For me.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Lord, I need More Wisdom
I got a nice nap today until my dad called in the middle of it but I still got 2.5 hours and it was heavenly. It was just what I needed. I talked to the insurance lady, my attorney and my doctor's assistant all in one morning. Still haven't heard about the job but they are announcing it until the 22nd.
Doctor changing my meds AGAIN, hoping to help me feel better. I do hope so. Tomorrow I start back at 5 hours a day. For one more week. So I figure that I'll take a lunch after 3 hours come home take care of dog, then go back for 2 hours. I have the kids this weekend and need to hit the grocery store tomorrow. I made my list the other day.
Tonight I'm just feeling under the pile a little bit. I'm hoping the med adjustment can help me feel better.
I also really hope they give me the job I applied for at work if that is what God wants for me. I really want this job - it would be salaried and potentially pay more than what I make now. Plus it is a department and skill set that is transferable.
The rain is coming. This would be the first time it's rained and I have to take the dog out. Fun. Going to need to have multiple umbrellas. One for car, one or two for here. Towels. Stuff I don't have tonight. Hoping little dude makes it through the night without any accidents.
Just feel like I have a lot going on right now. More chances to trust God, to lean on His strength and not mine. To pray for peace and health. I need the return of my health in a real way. I'm either going to get worse or better, and if I get worse I could lose my job and that would not be good. It took so long to find this job. To lose it for health reasons would stink.
So if you're following this please continue to pray for me and for my health. Pray for my kids. Pray for wisdom for me. I need more wisdom.
Doctor changing my meds AGAIN, hoping to help me feel better. I do hope so. Tomorrow I start back at 5 hours a day. For one more week. So I figure that I'll take a lunch after 3 hours come home take care of dog, then go back for 2 hours. I have the kids this weekend and need to hit the grocery store tomorrow. I made my list the other day.
Tonight I'm just feeling under the pile a little bit. I'm hoping the med adjustment can help me feel better.
I also really hope they give me the job I applied for at work if that is what God wants for me. I really want this job - it would be salaried and potentially pay more than what I make now. Plus it is a department and skill set that is transferable.
The rain is coming. This would be the first time it's rained and I have to take the dog out. Fun. Going to need to have multiple umbrellas. One for car, one or two for here. Towels. Stuff I don't have tonight. Hoping little dude makes it through the night without any accidents.
Just feel like I have a lot going on right now. More chances to trust God, to lean on His strength and not mine. To pray for peace and health. I need the return of my health in a real way. I'm either going to get worse or better, and if I get worse I could lose my job and that would not be good. It took so long to find this job. To lose it for health reasons would stink.
So if you're following this please continue to pray for me and for my health. Pray for my kids. Pray for wisdom for me. I need more wisdom.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Came up for air to get clobbered again
I feel like I just came up for air, that I was feeling good, better than ever. Then I got clobbered. Not feeling so hot anymore, working on that with doctor, it seems we're always adjusting something in order to keep this breakable body of mine working. Honestly it gets discouraging. There are many times I wish that I didn't have to spend hundreds of dollars a month on meds and vitamins. But I do. What I spend on meds I could buy a new car for. That type of thing is frustrating.
Then I am doing great, get a new dog who is the best thing that I've done for myself in a long time. He's sweet, soft and has a gentle spirit. He keeps running around here bumping his head on the coffee table. He must not have any short term memory. It's funny. When we spend time together, sometimes he plays but often he takes his cues from me and just lays with his head on my lap. Already filling his soon to be role as a therapy dog. Bought him a bag of new rawhide treats. Poor thing needed something to EAT other than my papers!
Got the kids coming for the weekend. Looking forward to that. Need to plan meals, buy food. Plan activities. I was going to take them to a movie last time but it was PG and I thought both parties weren't doing PG, well I was wrong so guess what once again mom is the bad mom and dad is the hero. Big surprise. I'm so sick of this crap. Sick of his games and crap. Sick of him. It is amazing that I ever loved this man who has hurt me so long and so deeply. My anniversary just passed, my first one not being married and I didn't even remember! ha That shows how far I've come.
Two and a half weeks and I get to take my starter earrings out (just got my ears re-pierced). I CANNOT WAIT to buy some hot earrings.
Meanwhile I am struggling with one of my meds and the weight gain it causes. Frustrated to say the least. People have so many things to offer, I know they have good intentions but frankly if they haven't walked in my shoes they have no idea and do not know.
Tonight I just am. Not good and not bad really. Discouraged a little bit. Overwhelmed a little bit. Alone. A lot. Glad to have my furry pal. Pray for this girl as she negotiates through life.
I need more energy. I need to feel better.
Then I am doing great, get a new dog who is the best thing that I've done for myself in a long time. He's sweet, soft and has a gentle spirit. He keeps running around here bumping his head on the coffee table. He must not have any short term memory. It's funny. When we spend time together, sometimes he plays but often he takes his cues from me and just lays with his head on my lap. Already filling his soon to be role as a therapy dog. Bought him a bag of new rawhide treats. Poor thing needed something to EAT other than my papers!
Got the kids coming for the weekend. Looking forward to that. Need to plan meals, buy food. Plan activities. I was going to take them to a movie last time but it was PG and I thought both parties weren't doing PG, well I was wrong so guess what once again mom is the bad mom and dad is the hero. Big surprise. I'm so sick of this crap. Sick of his games and crap. Sick of him. It is amazing that I ever loved this man who has hurt me so long and so deeply. My anniversary just passed, my first one not being married and I didn't even remember! ha That shows how far I've come.
Two and a half weeks and I get to take my starter earrings out (just got my ears re-pierced). I CANNOT WAIT to buy some hot earrings.
Meanwhile I am struggling with one of my meds and the weight gain it causes. Frustrated to say the least. People have so many things to offer, I know they have good intentions but frankly if they haven't walked in my shoes they have no idea and do not know.
Tonight I just am. Not good and not bad really. Discouraged a little bit. Overwhelmed a little bit. Alone. A lot. Glad to have my furry pal. Pray for this girl as she negotiates through life.
I need more energy. I need to feel better.
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