Dripping of Tear Ducts

Sobbing.  No words for the deep anguish I feel.  I feel broken.  I feel used.  I feel betrayed.  Where I used to have trust in other people now I have skepticism.  Knowing inside that God designed me for relationship with others which requires me to trust Him and to trust others.

Difficult to trust anyone, anything, anywhere or anytime right now.  Listened to a song about how we're God's treasures, we humans.  About how very much He loves us.  On one hand I feel His presence with me daily and on the other hand His presence is noticeably absent, or not in the way that I would want.   Whereas I have difficulty trusting others right now I still am able to dig into the reserves of my soul and trust my Maker, the one who created me with purpose and for a purpose.

Sobbing.  Deep hurt exploding out my tear ducts.  As my shoulders move up and down I know that God sees and is here with me.  I feel His presence.  I ponder what my purpose is on this earth.  I know that I was put here to be a mother to my girls.  I was destined to be their mom.  That much I know for sure!  Pondering what my greater purpose is at the moment.  Desperately wanting to show others the Jesus I know.  To introduce to them my redeemer.  The one who took my sin upon Him and died for me.  That sacrifice blows my mind.  A creator who died for His children.  As a parent I can understand the innate desire to do anything, anytime for your children.  Imagine how even more God must feel toward us.

Peace lands upon my shoulders and my tear ducts with just a drip or two of tears cascading dow my cheeks.  A peace that can only come from God.  

People are watching me go through this time of my life.  People at work wonder how I can do it.  Makes me even more energized to share Jesus with them.  I want them to see Jesus in me.  I guess I could say that I've found my greater purpose in life: I want them to see Jesus in me.  Someday on my gravestone they can put "Here lies XX (anonymous).  She loved God no matter what."

Be Still and Know that He is God

I'm sitting here, listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's song, "Be Still" and it haunts and infects me with holiness.  Be still and know that He is God.  Be STILL.  Be speechless.  

I think that if we come to God out of our place of quiet, our stillness, we are able to hear Him in a unique way.  

Be still and know that He is holy. Be still oh restless soul of mine; bow before the prince of peace -  let the noise and clamor cease.  Be still and know that He is God. Be still and know that He is faithful. Consider all that he has done stand in awe and be amazed and know that He will never change.  Be still.  (Steven Curtis Chapman)

I like the fact that He will never change.  Our lives change in so many ways, some good and some don't feel so good, like what I'm going through.  It is comforting to know that I have someone to go to who will not change.  He is the same yesterday, today and forever.  Now that's a love that I can believe in.  

So Weary

I'm so weary.  I want my children; I'm tired of being in limbo.  I've waited months and months hoping the spouse would become more reasonable with regard to visitation and he is not.  Instead he seems to be more protective.  

I want my children in my home.  I'm just so weary.  I'm more resolved than ever to fight for them.  I will fight to my last breath for those children.  

I almost said that I want my life back.  In reality I want the new life I'm making and I want to include them in on it.  I mean, I AM including them but I want more time with them.  Even in the divorce and now with the custody I am trying to be controlled and it makes me angry, makes me weary and makes me want to scream.  I WANT MY CHILDREN.

Monday

I had a really good day today.  I woke up feeling good, refreshed even (that was a nice change).  Hopped in the shower and got dressed.  Headed to the quick store for a pop, all the while enjoying the drip drip drip of the raindrops.  

Work was good.  I was on top of my jobs, organized and efficient.  My head was clear and I was able to concentrate on work and not on my private life.  It was nice.  Lunch was chicken fried rice take out from the Chinese place.  Eating in the car as the rain drizzled in the parking lot of an antique cemetary.  

The afternoon went smoothly and it was nice.  Drank Crystal Lite all afternoon, happily saving money from NOT buying Diet Coke.  

Tonight I just hung out, did clothes and talked to my girls on the phone.  Chatty Cathy was my eldest.  Talked of our dreams for the future.  She's so much like me and I love that.  

Ahhhhhh........

My Heart Hurts

Tonight my heart hurts but not for myself.  It hurts for my girls, my oldest specifically.  Tonight she lost it, I mean, an emotional breakdown.  She was so angry and mad at me.  Then I wouldn't let her go to bed angry and we sat and talked.  She said "I wanted you all day mommy.  I want you every day."   My daughter is trying to tell me something and I need to hear it loud and clear.  She needs me.  She needs more time with me.  I told her that I was trying to get more time with her but that it takes time.  I'm fed up, mad as hell and I want my children.  Tonight was the final straw.  

I'm so tired.  I just want what's fair.  I want to be a mother.  Since when did someone signing a petition for divorce make me less of a mom?  I'll fight to my dying day for these children.  No ONE and I repeat, NO ONE should get in the way of a mother's love for her children.   Nor should anyone underestimate my resolve in this matter.

Goodnight, 

Signed a Frustrated Mom

Free to be Me

..."I'm free to be me!" states one Christian song enthusiastically.  My heart resonates with the message because for the first time in a long time I feel FREE.  I feel free to be me.  The person I am is OKAY, I do not need to change, only to become more like Christ.  I am loved by Him just the way I am, crawling with knees bleeding to the cross where I'm laying me, my sins and my past on it.  Then there's this amazing GRACE that falls upon me, washes over me like this amazing warmth, this comfort.  You know, like the feeling you have when you're HOME.  

You see, for a long time I feel like I've lived trying to change all the time, to become something or someone I'm not for someone else.  It's a horrible thing.  I will NEVER ever change for someone else.  I mean, I might but it would be because I want to or because God wants me to.  

I do want change.  I now welcome it.  I welcome God's leading of my life.  You see, I got a little lost for a few years but I'm coming back now.  It's funny - I feel like I'm discovering everything anew, like a child for the first time.  Tonight I told my oldest daughter that she was just like me and that that was a very good thing.  I feel like my self esteem is back....it went to hell in a handbag for many many years.  

Writing is so cathartic.  I know one thing tonight and I shout it out for all to hear "I'M FREE TO BE ME!"

Saddle Up

Saddle up your horses.....this is the BIG ADVENTURE!  That song was on tonight as I drove away from my girls and my soon to be ex.  It was just what the Doctor ordered.  Tonight was an event at the oldest's school.  My spouse and I both came, for our oldest.  

As I drove off to the song blaring, I felt good.  I felt relieved and free.  I realized that God has a Big Adventure for me and I'm just fortunate enough to be part of it.  Sure, I was saddened by who and what I've lost but I know that God will be with me, step by step of my life.

For me it's about savoring each moment that I have with my children.  Making the most of our special moments together.  The other night when we got out of the car my littlest girl stated, "Mom, you're my best friend!"  It doesn't get any better than that.  My life has been an adventure up until this point and it continues to be a big adventure.  Led by the ultimate Tour Guide.