Children are not Possessions

My children are not possessions even though I call them "mine."   As such I would like them returned to me, their mother, for safe keeping.  I want them, I need to be allowed to be their mom full time.  This is ridiculous.  

I just have to trust that God is in control.  Some nights when I sit here by myself I just cling to the knowledge that we are God's creations and that He is in control.  I have to believe that in the end good will conquer over evil in this situation.  Or maybe this divorce is a lose-lose.  But it's the kids that lose.  

Enough said. Good night.

Day of Peace

I had a whole day of peace.  I took power back today and it felt good.  Not in a vindictive kind of way but in a positive way.  The peace flowed all day.  After a year of hurt and pain I had a nice day.  For a while today I was free of all the "stuff" that has swirled around my life because of this divorce.  Today God just gave me peace.  His peace.  The peace that passes understanding.  This kind of peace is more than mere relaxation, it is an inner calm that transcends. 

The only thing that makes this peace that I've had today incomplete is not having my children with me.   When I think of them I have a profound sadness, a longing that will only be filled when they return here to me someday (God willing).

Now I'm tired of thinking, of feeling and am going to go think of nothing, God willing, until I go to sleep.  Okay I might think of my children a little bit.....

Raining

Today I was driving "home" and as I turned toward home it was as if the heavens opened and it started pouring.  It was a visual representation of how I feel.  I feel like it has been a year of rain in my life. 

Why is it we Christians always follow expressing our pain with an almost meaningless sentiment of hope.  Like "It's really hard right now, but....."  I want to scream out loud "IT'S RAINING AND IT'S NOT OKAY!"  I'd like to clarify, it's not that I don't have moments of hope.  In fact, it's 50 50 hope to frustration most of the time.   I serve a God I do not understand in a broken world with broken people.  It does not lessen the passionate love I have for my God, it's just that I don't understand His plan all of the time.  It's not in vogue in Christian circles to say such a thing but we've all felt it at some time

One day I had a family, a husband, a house with a nice garage and flowers and plants.  The next morning my husband sits me down and sits across from me and says "I wanted to tell you that I filed for divorce yesterday."  My world spun, my head spun and it's not been the same ever since.  My children are my compass as is my Lord. 

I woke up this morning with my children in my home and tonight when I go to bed my home will be empty.  Yet the memory of the good times we had will stay with me until I am with them again.  Our love just grows stronger (my children and I's), the more it is tested.  It doesn't matter what life and what my "ex" throws at me, I stand firm in the lovingkindness of my Lord.

I just talked to my children and when I do it breaks my  heart because I want to be there with them.  Tomorrow is the first day of school for X and she's got her outfit all picked out.  Tomorrow my child will go to school and I will not be the one taking her nor be around to see it.  THAT is what divorce does.    I want my children back.  I want them here with me.  

Although I have a team of people working on getting more time with them, tonight I just feel powerless.  Somehow my cat seems to know when I'm sad so she jumps up here and plops down on my arm, I'm trying to type with a cat on my left arm.  

Talked to my brother today and we cried together.  Both of us are broken and only God can fix us.  Only God.  Only God.  God, hear my cry tonight.  

Glory be to God

Glory be to my God, who made this earth and all things and people in it.  Creator of all, ruler of all.  To HIM alone be any glory for anything good in my life.  

When I really needed it, my friends and family came together to help me through a very difficult time.  I'm talking about a specific event but can't go into details.  People have prayed and people have helped me in very real and tangible ways.  I am overwhelmed by my friends and by their love for me.

Until then I wait.....

Feeling strong, feeling the strength of God flowing through me.  Yeah, I know it sounds corny but it's truly how I feel.  Even though I'm exhausted from working 7 days a week God has given me just enough strength to do whatever I need to.  

Talking about my situation with others is what is helping me to heal and to move forward.  Admitting to my past and what happened to me there is hard but by talking I become free.  Every day I become stronger and stronger.  God is creating in me a new self, one that is strong and FREE of anyone who could hurt her.  

While I wait for my future I live in today but my heart longs for the day when I can be with my children again, to make our little family.  

God, protect my children while they are away from me and guard their little hearts and minds.  Guard their bodies and their spirits and bring them back to me.

Until then I wait.....

Born Mom

I love my children so much.  It's insane, intense and crazy.  I was born to be their mother and I'm not being allowed to be it very much.  God, please intercede on my behalf and bring my children back to my care.  Give me strength, wisdom, courage and a good night's sleep.

A good day today.  I'm in charge of training someone where I work.  This is a compliment considering that I've only been there a few months.  I hope that with this added responsibility comes added $.  I need to be able to make more money per hour to support my little family.    If you're reading this, pray for the $ situation that God will provide a way as He always does.

That's all for tonight!

Sinking Feeling

You ever get that sinking feeling in your stomach when you think or know that something is wrong?  Well I've got that tonight and there is nothing I can do.  Today is a day of trusting my God to care for my children.