Almost Free

Another day has passed.  I am one day closer and maybe literally one day away from being divorced.  Tonight I have put away the stressed out feelings and hurt and am just concentrating on the job at hand.  Bottom line this was not my choice.  I tried very hard to make it work.  Now it's over and it breaks my heart on one hand and on the other my heart is glad to be free.

I'm going to be free again.  Free again to be me.  Free again to be the new me.  Free to love again if God brings someone into my life at the right time.  This is honestly the first time in two years that I can say that I am not closed off to the idea of my having another person in my life someday to love.  That would be really great.  I would do so many things differently this next time around.  I want my next marriage to be the marriage for my lifetime.  I want to grow old with my next husband.  I want to travel with him when we're older and the kids are grown.

I want to do things I've never done, go places I've never gone, try things I've never tried.  I'm ready for my future to start any day.

It is going to be an adventure but I serve a big God who cares for my every need before I know about them.

Here's to phase II God.  Please bless it, bless me and my family.  Goodnight and amen.

My Monday Night Thoughts

It was a Monday.  I took the biggest claim and spent the entire day working on it.  The bigger and harder the claim, the more I am challenged.  I like to see just how much money I can save our company while still following the rules and being fair to the person I'm working with.  I like challenges.

I think everyone needs a fluffy kitty like mine.  She just sits on the arm of the sofa by me almost all night.  My other one lays on the other end of the sofa keeping me company.  I never knew that I could be a cat person since my heart really is a dog person.  I want a big golden retriever again someday.  Someday.

I wonder about my someday.  When will it start?  Is this it?  When the divorce is over can my someday please start because I've been in limbo forever and it hurts my heart.  I'm ready to be happy again.  I'm ready to trust someone with my thoughts and feelings.  I think.  Still hard to let people in but I know that I must.  God has created us for relationships with one another.  Some friendships, some are romantic, others are well, other.

I'm tired of being lonely.  I hate it.  I hate it so much.  This thing has taken forever to get through.  I know  that it is all in God's time and that He is in control of my life.  I want to be a real mom again; do real mom things like I used to.  I want to help little people have good lives.  I've realized that at my age most of the single men have been married before, most if not all have kids with their previous spouse.  I had never really thought of the dynamics of blending two families together but God could do anything.  Maybe someday I will end up loving on other people's kids!  Who knows?  I know that I am not opposed to the idea at all.

I feel like I'm old and set in my ways but I don't want to be old and set in my ways.  I want to have fun.  I want to be with someone who loves  God passionately as I do and who is committed to raising their kids to love God.  I want to marry a man who will LEAD me and my family.  I want to be with someone I respect and admire.  I want to be cherished and loved for the rest of my life.  Is that asking too much?  I'm going to be picky on the next go-round.  I want to be married to the next man until the day he or I dies.  I want to grow old together, holding hands as we walk in the park.  I want to enjoy grandkids together someday.

God has put a desire in my heart and a hope for my future.  I do not know what it will be (my future) but I know that I serve a loving and caring God who cares deeply for my soul.  Surely He will give me the desires of my heart!

This is getting kinda long; well hey it's Monday and I have a lot to say.  The next two days are going to be horribly hard and I'm going to need all the prayers that I can get so if you're reading this and you're a pray-er, then pray for wisdom, strength, courage and dignity.  Pray for poise (I do not want to cry in the court room).  Just pray.

You Are a Treasure

I am now ready for my marriage to be over.  Yes, I said that out loud.  Do I wish this?  Of course not.  Is this going to happen anyway?  Yes.  So now I am faced with HOW to handle this.  My wish and my hope is that I can handle this end with dignity and with grace.  That is what I can hope for.

My heart is heavy but it is still filled with abounding hope.  God is good.  He has always taken care of me throughout my life.  He will now too.

There is a time for everything and for everything there is a time.

God has set eternity in our hearts.  He's given us this little hope of our future that allows us to get through difficult times like this.  I've been through a journey with God over the past couple of years.  At first I couldn't believe that God was allowing this to happen.  Time went by and I got over my first feelings of anger and betrayal and then I just felt thankful.  I was thankful to be away from this situation that was so unhealthy for me.  I had been set free.

So as I walk through this very difficult week I look with sadness to my past but at the same time look toward my future with great hope and excitement.  God has blessed me so much.  I have much to be thankful for.

Listening to some great Christian music has uplifted me tonight.

You are a treasure worth more than anything under the sun or the moon.  God's greatest treasure is the treasure of you.  !!!!  God delights in us.  How cool is that?  The God of the universe thinks that I'm the apple of His eye.  God's greatest treasure is the treasure of you.

If you ever doubt how special you are to  God, doubt His working in your life, KNOW that God loves you so very much and will care for you.

I've been set free.  I'm free to become the woman He created me to be.  Free to be her again.  Free to give and receive love.  I'M FREE!  (that is the most amazing feeling, even despite the pain).

God is good.  Hold onto that fact.  Say it, pray it until you believe it.  Believe that He loves you right where you are, in the middle of complex relationships, in the middle of relationships/friendships that are strained.  Remember to always hold onto the knowledge of God's goodness.

Normality

I feel like a normal person and it just took a piece of pie and an old friend to make me feel like who I used to be a long time ago.  I miss her.  She needs to reappear more and more from here on.

God is good.  Tomorrow is Sunday school with the 2nd graders.  Can't wait to see them.  Must get some sleep.  hee

I am about to start phase II of my life and it's exciting.  (did I just say that?)  I know that God has plans for me and I can't wait to see what they are.

Thank you for listening to me you faithful few who read here.  If I can ever lend you an ear let me know.  I've certainly talked and talked and talked over these past two years and my friends have listened and listened and listened.  Now it is time to pay it forward (although I hate that phrase it does fit).

Some things to get together in my life....God will work out the kinks.

God is big people.  His dreams are big.  The dreams I have for myself might possibly be smaller than what he is dreaming for me.

Night all!

Ditched the Roses for the Ocean

I've tried some different templates for my blog over the last few days.  The last post centered around red roses and my love for roses.

I changed my template.  I feel like I've changed lives.  There are moments when that feels good and other moments when that scares me to death!  Although this isn't what I had imagined for my life God has my days all planned out and even my going through this horrible heartbreak and pain must somehow glorify Him.  That is the only redeeming value.  Oh and the fact that I'm way closer to my children than EVER before.

Weekends are so hard when the my children are not here.  And yes I still have to call them children because you never know who's lurking.  Although I have nothing to hide or apologize for the identities of my children must remain anonymous.  For now so must I.

Today I rest, I clean, I prepare for next week's visits with the kiddos.  I prepare for the end of my marriage. How exactly does one do that?  It's been two years and I'm still not ready for it.  I've seen what it's done to our kids and it pains me deeply.  All I want now is for things to come to some sense of normal.  As I call it, a new normal.  For me it is better normal which is hard to understand if you don't know the whole story.  Unfortunately you'll have to wait for the book for the full and open truth as it is not something for the internet.  It's a private pain that I deal with in my own way, through talking, friends, family, my church, pastors, my counselors and God.  Some of the ones before listed are helpful but only One has the power to heal - my God.

Sometimes I wish that I could NOT think.  But I know that type of thinking can also cause problems.  The desire to numb pain never leads anywhere good.  

I miss my little people today.  It is going to be a beautiful day and I wish that we could go throw rocks in the lake or find the tallest swings around and swing until we giggle incessantly.   I want to make cookies with them and then eat then with a tall glass of milk.  Okay so I'm going to have to wait until next weekend.

Why do people hurt each other so much?  I mean, I know that I too hurt my spouse terribly but I didn't want to.  I wanted to be married.  I just wanted to be treated like a human being, like I was treasured and cherished.  Basic things in a marriage.   Except if you don't have it.  The person I love more than anyone else took my heart which I gave to him and proceeded to slowly tear me apart, day by day, year by year, until the person who remained was a shell of the woman she once was.  Well I happen to serve a big God who is called the Great Physician and He is healing me, He has healed me, and the person who is emerging, well I like her very much.  She's stronger, wiser, and knows how to love other people more deeply.  She's a better mother.

It's only 10 am and already the intense sadness is hitting.  It's looking to be a very long day.  If you're reading this, pray for me.  Pray for safety and protection for my children until I get to be with them again.

New Design?

Decided to change up my blog a little bit.  The red roses are for how passionate I am about my flowers!  Oh, I cannot wait until I get my own place again someday because I am going to have the most beautiful flower garden in the whole world.  I cannot wait.  Someday.  Roses are probably some or one of my favorite flowers - they are beautiful and dainty.  Like a woman's heart.

Busy day today with life, work, life getting in the way of work which doesn't work.  All this and I get to come home to my kitties who love me no matter what.  We three are on the sofa, chilling out and watching the boob tube.

Thankful today to have a good attorney who is looking out for my best interests.  In a few days we either sign a settlement or the judge decides.  I don't care either way.  I hope we settle...it would be easier.

Today my thoughts were with an old friend who is going through hell on earth.  I know the path he is headed for and wish that I could spare him from it.  God will walk with Him, whether or not he feels good about God's involvement.  I went through a period at first when I couldn't believe that God would allow this to happen to me and then I eventually thought "why not me?"  We weren't promised to be immune from hurt and pain - we live in a broken world.  When we marry, even as believers, we are two broken people.  Sometimes one person's brokenness is worse than the other's and it comes between them.

I still don't understand why God is doing what He's doing.  I trust Him but I do not understand fully.  And I might not even understand while I am down here.  That part is a little hard to wrap your head around.  I've been through the valley where it was so dark I couldn't see where I was going.  I wish that I could spare others this pain but all I can do is walk through it with them.  I heard on the radio the concept of the gift of mercy....and it had to do with being able to offer mercies to another who is struggling.  I believe that perhaps I might have this gift but do not know.  If not I sure would like it.  It would come in handy as I have friends who have recently lost relatives and it's hard to know how to comfort their hearts.

If you are happily married tonight thank your God for this.  If you are not, know that God will never leave you or forsake you.  He promised this in the Bible.  Take that and put it in your heart tonight.

Until next time....I remain.....just a girl.

An Online Prayer for One Who Hurts

Satan is in the business of wrecking people's marriages and he wants to wreck us and derail us.  Tonight my heart hurts for a friend who is in a spot similar to where I've been too.  Because I know how it feels my heart is heavy and my spirit bogged down and my eyes are a little teary too.

Tonight I had planned to go to bed early....but God needed me to log onto the computer tonight just one more time.  So I did and I'm so thankful that I did.

I pray for wisdom for my friend, and for courage.  I pray that God will walk with him through this horrible journey he is starting on.  I pray that God will, if he doesn't have them already, bring Godly men alongside him who will speak both words of wisdom and practical words of advice.  I pray that his attorney will be a good match with him and his style.   More than ever I pray that God will put a hedge of protection around his kids, to safeguard their hearts and minds.  Lord, watch over these kids and help them through what is going to be hell on them too.

Lord right now this man's faith is probably shaking some.  Show Him your goodness in the midst of the chaos.  Show Him that you are trustworthy.  Speak to his heart.   Lord I also pray for his wife that you would shake her out of this state she's in.

Lord I pray for health for my friend and that God will protect him in that way.  God be with this person tonight and tomorrow as he faces a hard day.  Give him wisdom but more than that, give him rest.  Please allow him to sleep so that he can continue keeping his business and kids on the right path.

I pray all these things in your name.  The maker and creator of all, the Great Physician, the great architect of all, the Prince of Peace,  God of all.  It's in YOUR name that I ask you to do these things for my friend.  AMEN.