Missing Them

Missing them bad.   I do not like this.  When they are not with me I worry about their well being, their safety.  I think that is the plight of all mamas out there.

I will never stop fighting for them, never.

Weekends are hard, that's when I miss them the most.

I want to scoop them up and just hold them tight.

Now I just pray for them.  That God will protect them.

I pray for wisdom for me and strength.

Pray

Missing my children tonight and it's only been a little while since they left.  I had a lovely time with them...too much fun.  I think that with each week that goes by I'm even more thankful to be a mom.  To be their mom.  God knew.

Every time I have to "give them back" (what it seems like), I'm sad but mostly because my little one needs me.  So does my big one.  I feel like with the little one I just get to know him/her and then I have give her back.

I'm missing them already.  I'm missing them with all of my heart.  God, please give me back my angels.  I cannot bear to be without them.

Wax On, Wax Off

Great weekend, had a real blast working on some things again that I haven't done in a long time.  For many years I was told that I wasn't a real X, I just did Y.  This weekend I proved to me that not only am  I good at X, I'm darn good at it!

Being creative was such a good thing for me this weekend.  It was relaxing.  I mean, only doing something that I love could I sit in one very uncomfortable kitchen chair for 13 hours and barely want to stop at the end of that 13 hours.  Plus, I got to work on it some today too.  Not as much as I would have liked but enough.  I plan to work tomorrow on it.

Big week at work.  Big week in personal life.  Big week in general.  I took some time for myself today and took a nap and it was so refreshing.  I felt so much more at peace after that and could start back in on my work.

This might sound funny but I totally want to see the new Karate Kid movie with Will Smith's kid in it.  Looks great.    I had planned to go to a movie yesterday but got wrapped up in stuff, then today took a nap through my window to go.  Oh well.  I can do it again in two weeks.

So tonight I pray for peace from God.  That He will send His angels down to guard over my steps, my walk and my words.  I pray for wisdom with this big week coming up.  I need courage to say the truth, even if that means saying things that are hard to say, hard for some to hear and just hard.  I will not be bullied anymore.  I am ready to tell what I need to say, what happened to me and who did it to me.  That is the scariest thing in the whole world still.  That's how powerful abuse is.  That person's still inside your head years after they're gone.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  Old matra.  Same message.  Still relevant.

Now I unplug.  Unglue myself a little from the web.  Concentrate on people I love, friends I care about and pray for my children.

Unplugged Plugging

Unplugging myself.  Plugging in the ole laptop.  Bedybytime.

Night night all

Trust destroyed Then rebuilt, slowly

I had a pretty good day and a pretty good evening but it's hitting me again hard.  The loss of my husband is devastating and I'm sad.  I'm very very sad.  I do not miss the way he treated me.

I miss the dreams I had.  I miss the plans we shared.  I miss the future we had hoped for.

Then God moved a different way.  I feel like I've been rescued from a really bad place and been given a chance at a life.  A chance to maybe be happy. God continues to move in my heart.  Most of the change that has happened is also accompanied by many, many tears.

I loved passionately and completely and was rejected.  There is no other way to say it.  I can try to look for the lining in the clouds, but there is not a silver lining.  There is just tears.  Many many tears.  Dreams that have died.

Slowly, ever so slowly God has been healing my heart.  He's preparing me for something or someone I'm not sure.  Part of me wants to hide from life and avoid people, thus keeping myself from getting hurt again.  I know that is not what  God wants.  He keeps bringing people into my life, one at a time, building a network of people who I like and can someday trust.

What people don't realize is that divorce totally destroys your sense of trust in people.   I'm not sure when that is going to be returned.  It's starting, that's about all I can say.

I'm thankful tonight, even though it's dark it's not nearly as dark as it used to be.  I have hope.  It's guarded but I do have some hope.  I have my children.  At least I have their hearts even if I don't have their little bodies here all the time.

God put a vision in me.  Clear as day, down to what my sidewalk would look like.  I have something to hold onto  (other than God!).  I have a new vision for what life can be like.  I can work hard and maybe make some sort of life along the way.

I'm so tired of being lonely.  I need to quit writing because it just brings more tears.  I cannot breathe from all the crying of the last half hour.  God I need your gentle peace.  The peace that passes all understanding.  I am asking you, now, Lord, to bring some peace to my life if that would be your will.

Worship with Tears

Another long day.  I got some good overtime today, maybe 1.5 hours at 1.5 times my normal rate.  That will help the tax man who I still owe!

Talked to my dad tonight, that always makes me happy.  Talks with him keep me going when I feel down. I'm so fortunate to have my dad (and mom).  As I get older they seem to mean more and more to me.  My dad has taught me how to be tough.  How to be gentle.  How to be well, me!

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has me right where He wants me.  There are days when I am happy about that and there are days when I am angry about where I am.  I'm just being honest.  This is NOT where I had myself pictured; in fact this is as far away from what I had planned.  I trust Him enough to just "be".

My heart struggles each day; I miss my children in a way that no one should have to deal with.  Somehow in the middle of this I've become a tough cookie!  Actually I have always been a tough cookie.  When you hear about all the wild things that God has brought me through, even I am amazed and I am the one who has been through this crazy journey.

I'm still absolutely worn out; I need to do basic things like clean house, do laundry, etc.  I'm just sooo tired at night.  Work is very stressful right now; I have to keep up, be one step better than the next guy.  It's hard.  There are days when my thoughts are only on my children and on my life outside of work.  The way I choose to look at my job is this: "do all things heartily as unto the Lord."  So I am in a job where I'm underpaid but I do it every day because I do it unto the Lord.

My worship on Sunday is often in tears.  I sit and listen in church and I sit and I cry.  God is clearly moving in my life.  I need to listen for him.  "Be still and know that I am God..." He says.  Be still.  Be still.

Trying Times

Trying times.  This weekend about did me in.  I went into it sick and had to go to several functions this weekend.  I'm so tired.  Tonight I dropped the children off at their dad's.  I'm sitting here and I literally think that I could pass out I'm so tired from poor sleep, stress and being sick for three straight months in a row.

Work is stressful and sometimes I feel that I'm at wit's end.  I miss the give and take of marriage; the long discussions about our future.  Now I feel like my future is tenuous at best.  I never worried about my future before when I was married because I knew my best friend had my back.    Turns out that's not true.

I have been left with treasure though.  Not hidden, just wonderful.  Yes I am talking about my children.  If you're reading this you know who they are.  If you do not then you don't know me for to know me is to know my children as they are part of me in a unique and amazing way.

So thankful for the small moments with them.  Giggling on my bed together with our feet in the air.  Making up our own fun because we just like being with each other.  They did allow me 30 whole minutes today to rest...while they watched a video then snuck in my room and were so cute I realized that I didn't need sleep as much as I needed to plug back in, exhausted and sick, to these children.

Gosh I love being a mom.  It is one thing that I feel like I'm great at and suck at at the same time.  Is that possible?  Painfully aware of my inadequacies being a mom.  Painfully aware of my failings as a mom.  I'm also really aware that I'm doing a lot of really great things.

Tonight I am just having a moment to reflect as I do every night.  I think the best course of action is sleep and lots of it.

goodnight all

God's Grace Perfected in Me

What a very very very stressful week/month this has been!  I have court soon and that stresses me out.  My attorney is stressful, nothing works like it's supposed to.

I am beginning to realize how terribly busy I am.  I really need a raise.  I'm trying to work on all these old accounts that need action.  This will make the company that I do work for happy and the company who pays me happy that the other is happy.  Basically it is all good.

It's hard to do what I do for a living.  I think that I know now why there is so much turnover in the department.  I have an extra dosing of patience with people and they still get to me every now and then.  It's hard because I want to help them but sometimes I'm limited in my ability to do that for some regulation or another.

Tonight I'm really struggling.  The children are hyper and wild.  They are having a hard time going to sleep in the same room.  I should go grab some sleep and pray they both sleep good all night.    Better shut this down for the night.

On a good note I feel a little better today and that maybe I'm getting over this crud that I've had for a while.  Tonight I just want to avoid hives from stress and grab some shut eye.  Sometimes I wonder why God bothers with me but then I remember that I was created in His image.  How cool is that?

Weary but just in body, not in spirit

I'm weary tonight, just physically.  I've been sick off and on for 3 months now with one thing then another.  I do not think this antibiotic is working and am going to have to call the doctor tomorrow.

This is my weekend with the children and I can't wait.  I am nuts over them.

We've got a big weekend planned but I know that God's going to give me enough energy to do it all.  Plus I have help and lots of people who love us.  That's comforting.

Today was a good day.  I was gone for several hours this morning but was still able to accomplish several large things today.

So much to do at work, hard to organize myself because so much is expected.

Big weather today.  All I know is that in 20 minutes I'm going to bed.  I'm SLEEEEEPPPPPYY.

Is there a future out there for me too?

Every day when I drive to work I listen to the Christian radio station.  Usually it's just music and the morning show.  At lunch today I went to the grocery store to buy dinner groceries for the family.  Then I parked in a parking lot under a beautiful shade tree and listened to the radio, Bible teaching this time.

I had a horribly hectic day again; it's starting to become busy.  I've got a zillion things in the fire so to speak.  Then my boss hands me a several page report of jobs that need to have chargebacks on.  So I will have to go through each one, determine who was liable for the damage and produce the documentation for it.  I actually am LOVING what I'm doing and I'm good at it.  I guess my boss is getting promoted which will be good for him.  He'll still be over our department and still occupy the cubicle which backs to mine.

People try to move things along fast and tempt you to cut corners but I cannot.  It would be easy to do; I want to give each job my all. I owe it to my employer and the company that I handle their jobs for.

Tonight my body physically battles within itself.  I'm on an antibiotic and I can't hear very well.  My body aches from the inside out, I can tell that I'm bordering on physical exhaustion.  I'm going to need to have some extra sleep this week in order to make it through.   I've learned to be easy with myself, to allow myself an extra hour of sleep if I need it.  That wisdom has come to me the hard way - by being inside a body when I wasn't taking care of her.

I need to figure out how to be healthy.  I haven't been healthy since my second year of college.  I put on weight in college and at graduation I was about 40 pounds or more overweight.  Now I'm a whole lot more overweight and it stresses me out because I'm afraid that I will die because I'm not healthy and then who would protect my children?  I cannot leave them alone.

Today even though it was hectic I still felt "in control" and not stressed out.  I've felt God's peace in a real, personal way.  What a needed blessing.  Like a good parent, God knows what I need before I even know.  It's like that with me and my children.

Watching a show tonight with happy people who love each other equally.  These people want to marry each other.  I sit here and I wonder if there will ever be a future for me?  Will I ever move past this hurt and after the divorce, be able to move towards other people?  I long to have the closeness that a relationship provides: the talking, snuggling and laughter.  I'm afraid that I'll never have that again and that scares me to death.  I'm not prepared for my soon to be ex to move on and date.  I'm sure that I'll have to deal with that soon enough.  Soon being the key word.  I just have a feeling....

Tonight I choose mental peace and some extra sleep.

Busy Monday

Good, nice busy Monday.  Last week or two has been super slow so this is nice.  It is nice to be busy because that gives me a chance to shine!  I'm working so hard, it is a relief to be busy and to not have to think about my life and what is happening in it.  I did cry this morning on the way to work but it didn't ruin my makeup so it wasn't too bad.

No crying on the way home; a definite improvement over the way it has been lately.  The closer the divorce gets the more sentimental I've become and the harder doing this divorce becomes.  I've had to remind myself of what it was really like to live with him.  I don't ever want to feel like that again, no matter what.  Sure, it would be great if we all could be a family again but until God works in him and changes him into someone with a new heart, I can never be with him.  I have to make a life for myself outside of him, without him, maybe and probably forever.  This is not something that I take lightly.  This man is the father of my children.  We've gone through hell and back but I still feel like I'm a little bit in hell.  Tearing apart a marriage, a union both of soul and physical, is messy.  Hurtful.

On one hand I want it to BE OVER.  I want finality.  My brother told me tonight that it's never over.  They are always in your life.  I suppose that is true.   He is the father of the children.

I am tired tonight.  This is gonna be a big week for me and the kiddos.  I am looking forward to it because I know that I'm a strong mama who can handle anything God puts in front of her through His strength.

goodnight all

Unexpected Surprises

What started out the worst Mother's Day yet ended better.  As a surprise, the children and their dad rang my doorbell after I got home from work with presents in hand and an unscheduled afternoon with them.  It was heavenly.  Cold but heavenly.  We went out for ice cream them went shopping.

Took a nap after I took them home.  I sat on my front porch at my old house waiting for their dad to get home, the children and I snuggled in a blanket.  I miss my life immensely and I miss my marriage and I miss my children.

So I came home and took a recuperative nap and it's another couple of hours until Monday morning and the rush that goes with it.

Praying for wisdom to do what is right, no matter how hard, for my family and for me.  Without their dad.  It kills me.  Still, after all this time.

Tonight I am not going to over think it; I'm going to veg out and watch tv and give myself a little grace.  And pray for more mercy and grace from above.

Hurting Heart

Excruciating pain, literal pain being away from my children.  Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I do not even get to see them for mother's Day.  That much I do not feel that I can bear.  He didn't even offer to let me have them and I of course cannot ask.  I will not ask, not because I do not love them, but because it gives him the power to say NO and hurt me.  So I do not ask but it makes my heart so heavy.  Either way I won't have them but I feel like by not asking I am somehow letting them down.

My family is busy this weekend with graduations of loved ones younger.  I feel like I'm totally alone in this world.  In two weeks I go to court and we will be dividing up our world, as my heart is divided now.  I cannot believe this is happening to me.  I still do not want it to happen; I still implore God for mercy and that he would change the heart of the other involved.

Part of me just wants it to be over.  Then maybe I can begin the second part of my life.

My heart is heavy tonight.  Tomorrow I will be a childless mother at church.  Sitting there while the pastor honors all the mothers.  Part of me just wants to stay home and avoid experiencing the pain, to hide, to shield my heart from the hurt.  When does self preservation seem logical and when is it being cowardly?

I have not talked with them in two days and that is making me angry.   Gosh darn it the whole situation makes me angry.  My children were essentially taken away from me and I am not even considered on the same level as the soon to be ex spouse.  We'll see how long that lasts.  I have plans and will be making them or putting them into action soon.

I'm weary.  My heart hurts tonight.

Dog tired

I've noticed that stress is what triggers a whole bunch of other symptoms. I've been a little stressed out lately. Today I worked on one case for 3.5 hours straight. I feel like I did a good job though and presented it to my boss for his approval. Then I tried to work on other things but just struggled to get anything done. Took off a little early today for an engagement.

I called the IRS to set up a payment plan for my taxes for 2009. I didn't plan right and ended up with a big bill. So far I've paid a good amount and I hope to pay it off long before it is due. They were really cool about it.

There are so many things changing in my life that I really have to try to mentally keep my attitude up. Change can tend to stress me out and I know my body well enough to know that I don't deal with well stress.

My attorney stressed me out on the phone; I wasn't ready for her call or to make such big decisions. Going to talk with my brother on Monday about it all.

Tonight I just feel tired. Dog tired. I wanted to go to bed at 7 but thought that a little funny.

Tonight there is a little sadness and some small tears in my eyes.

THIS GIRL

Addicted to Runts. Yep. That's me. I fully and openly admit that I used Runts this week to deal with the pain I'm feeling instead of letting myself really feel it. My divorce is very close to being over and the reality and depth of that situation is beginning to really hit me. I'm extremely sad that it came to this. I miss what I once had; I miss what we wanted; I miss the future we'll never have. I miss the special anniversaries we'll never share. I miss the man I fell in love with. Here I sit, he's most likely seeing someone else by now, even though we're legally still married. I do not know this for sure but it's a good bet. I wouldn't put it past him.

The tears have reappeared this week even though I didn't want them. They came at the worst times....like driving to work, in the parking lot of work, right before work. I dried my eyes on a fast food napkin, sucked in a gulp of air and walked in the door where I poured myself into my work.

Part of me is angry and just wants it to be over. Part of me is the optimist but I do not think there is a miracle for me on this one. My path seems to be headed in a much different direction than I had planned. Single mom. Divorced. Alone.

This is Mother's Day weekend and I don't even get the children on Mother's Day. He didn't even offer to let them spend the day with me. I of course want them but no. Nothing. I'm going to try to just get through the day.

Tonight I had the best time just hanging out with them. I of course can't say what we did because if big brother aka the almost ex is reading he will know who I really am and I can't have that. I need this to be a place where I can express the ups and downs of divorce and motherhood.

Suppose I sound a lot tonight like I'm feeling sorry for myself and you'd be right. I'm openly having a hard day. I feel inadequate, incomplete, unloved, awkward, blind, and a whole lot of other things tonight. Even my boss noticed two days ago that I was really negative. I just told him that I was having a hard day.

I guess the bottom line is that my heart just hurts and there is nothing and no one on earth that can make it better. That's the cold hard fact. Enter in the girl now who has a deep faith in God. This girl knows that these feelings will pass as they always do and that tomorrow is a brand new day with no mistakes in it. This girl knows that God can part the Red Sea. This same God cares about me. He cared enough about me to send his only son to take my place on the cross. To bear my burdens. He sent His only son to die from my sins and the sins of the world. THIS GIRL is the one in charge.

THIS GIRL knows that God has taken away my sin, as far as the east is from the west. THIS GIRL knows that God puts angels around us to protect us and to keep our feet from stumbling. THIS GIRL knows that giving up is not an option. Sure, it's a temptation occasionally but then I'm reminded that God cares deeply about me and about what happens to me. So much so that he knows when a sparrow falls from the sky and he knows exactly how many hairs I have on my head. THIS GIRL has been given a glimpse of God, a taste of God's grace and mercy, and a dosing of His infinite love toward me/us.

THIS GIRL choose hope. Someday when I get to Heaven I want to hear Him say "well done my good and faithful servant." Someday. But not now. Now I have the purpose of raising my children and pouring my life into them. Beyond that I do not know what God has planned for me. Sure, I have dreams for my future, ideas, plans. Right now they seem so far away and impossible. but THIS GIRL knows that with God ALL THINGS are possible.

This is what it is like to be inside my body, the struggle between the depression and the normal. For people who do not struggle with depression, this is one of the only ways that I can demonstrate how bizarre it is to be inside my mind and heart. I'm painfully aware that my brain does not function like others, but I also am solidly aware that I am made in God's image. I'm not sure how to reconcile the two. Other than: it's okay that I am who I am because God made me this way. The tendency I have toward depression is my reality. I'm painfully aware of it as I get up every morning and walk to my kitchen where my medicines and vitamins are. It seems the older I get the more meds I have!

THIS GIRL still believes. I STILL BELIEVE. I will NOT quit.

Change can be good

Hanging out, watching some silly tv show. 24. I'm embarassed to say that I still watch it.

Robin Hood, the movie, with hunky Russell Crowe is coming out soon. Can't wait.

Changing therapists. My old one graduated and is finishing her hours of counseling. New one starts next week. This will be my third one in not quite a year of counseling at this place I go to. It's the first time counseling has ever really "worked"...and it's ironic that it's working now that I'm away from him. (There is no irony with God, just His perfect timing).

Struggling with anger toward him tonight. Over a situation that I can't talk about. But it is hard for me to just relax. I'm ready for our marriage to be over. Now to negotiate our way out of it. My heart will never be the same again. Maybe it's going to heal and maybe I'll get to enjoy a new shot at life. I'm thankful to have this opportunity to do better.....and to trust God with every little thing in my life.

Tonight I'm letting go of my anger. I choose to forgive tonight.