Fried Noodles and Calm in the Storm

I feel like my brain is made up of fried noodles. What little intelligence I had left me this morning and has  not returned today. Today was the world's longest day or it seemed like it. You know those - everyone has them - they go on and on and you're usually working on some extremely stimulating and interesting work project (yeah right - does ANYONE ever get those) and then your noodles get fried.

I seriously am gonna go to bed and don't laugh - it's like 7:30. My dog's gonna be bummed because that means he'll be in his kennel for FOREVER. Poor baby. Better in there than defacing my house. He's fluffy but he is still a naughty toddler dog.  No boundaries. YET. I will win. I will win. If it's the last thing that I do.

Got my giant order of bead earrings tonight and I'm too tired to even work on processing them. I was going to have them be $9.99/each or 2/$18. Now I'm thinking 2/$15. Dunno, maybe try the higher price and then see. I can always change signs as I am not individually pricing them.  That would take WAY TOO MUCH TIME.  I realized that I have no time. I had the kids for the three day weekend, took them to dad's, then picked them up and they will come here Thursday to spend the night. Then I will have about 3 hours to myself on Friday night to prep my earrings. Heck maybe I'll save them for Saturday. I could sit and unwrap them while no one watches. (complicated)

So seriously this is it, I'm turning in, my goose is cooked and my noodle's fried and I'm DONE for the day.  Maybe tomorrow will be better. Plus I'm starting to NOT feel good again and I'm done with this roller coaster.  There are times like the last 3-4 months when I've really really hated having bipolar disorder. I do not bounce back from the ups and downs as easily as when I was younger. Now it takes longer, I'm under ten times the pressure and responsibilities.

I long for a day when my life was simpler. Less complex with less problems. I'm not sure what God's teaching me but I must be DUMB because apparently I'm not getting it. So here I go through the wringer again...or that is what I feel like. Reality: most of how I feel is related to bipolar disorder and how it effects my life and my choices and my family.

My new earrings are making my ears itch. Not a good sign. Maybe I'm one of those allergic to nickel and these are filled with nickel? Who knows? The joker knows.....ha ha ha ha ha.

Night all. I remain here for another day, whose purpose has yet to be revealed in me. This morning, in all seriousness, I felt a calling of sorts. I was praying to God over my lunch hour and listening to Christian radio. I realized that my calling is to be the "calm in the storm" to my two children. I may not be able to control the storms in their lives that relate to their dad and me but I can be their calm in the middle of those storms. Tonight that is going to be my new goal: to be my angel's "calm in the storm."

Crack of Dawn

This mom's up at the crack of dawn, a little like the Proverbs 31 lady, preparing my household to go to the market to sell things. Last week was my first week and it did not go well.  I am hoping it will go better this week since the kids are here and that they will have fun and learn about running a business.

I am giving them 15 more minutes to sleep but they have gotten enough as I put them to bed early.  One slept in his/her clothes so as not to have to get ready this morning. I kind of laughed. The other is in jammies and will get dressed here in a little bit.

I am feeding bagels this morning and we're stopping at a quick shop on the way for special drinks (juice, milk, etc).  I figure that will motivate the sleepy heads on this early of a morning.

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Didn't post this this morning. It was a nightmare. I didn't sell a thing. What a collosal waste of time and energy.

Profound Silence and Sense of Aloneness

In the middle of the hurt and chaos I just had the most profound sense of God saying to me "I am with you." The tears streamed down my eyes because I was just in the kitchen feeling completely and utterly alone. Then this. I think God speaks to us in many ways: directly, through others, through music, writings, the Bible. Tonight God spoke to my heart and met my deepest need.

I'm physically feeling not like myself, I'll be okay but it's just a rough patch. I don't have anyone to help. I need help cleaning, organizing, etc. but there is just me. I hate being a single parent. I hate it and years later I still hate it. I was not designed to be alone.

Tonight I'm discouraged, angry, frustrated, not feeling good and alone. Utterly alone. But my God has promised to care for me and He is, it's just that sometimes I will admit that I don't always agree with the plan He has for me. I'm rebellious like that.

There is so much more I want to write but I also know that anything I say here is liable to wind up in some court hearing. So why bother? I'm fairly sure my ex has found this site which doesn't surprise me. That is what he does.

I am frustrated because I have no one and no where to voice my feelings to that is safe. Every person, every doctor and therapist can be subpeoned. So who do I really have, really? Can you tell I'm at my wit's end? I'm worn down, worn out, tired of playing this dumb game.

I am not sure how much more my body can take.

A little hot glue gun and we're all set here

So I've started this company, which will remain nameless on here, but it is my dream and it'll be a part-time gig until God blesses it if He chooses to.  Just got an earring holder (stand-you know the kind you see at department stores?).  Well I stripped two of the screws. So I thought to myself, how to fill this hole and re-drill. I didn't have epoxy then I realized that I did own a hot glue gun so I filled the holes and re-drilled and so far they are holding just fine.

I'm hoping my earrings come tomorrow but right now they are in New York City but they've cleared customs so that is good.  Transferred from UBX Express to UPS here in the states. I want them to come tomorrow night so much - I've got a big sign on my front door: please leave all deliveries here, and signed it! ha

Today my doctor removed me from one of my medicines because it was making me manic. I wasn't sleeping again, it was a real drag. I took a day off of work today because I didn't sleep good for the past two nights and I've been running on manic adrenaline for probably a week or so now.  I caught this one early so we were able to jump on it before it became debilitating.

This is my reality. I cycle back and forth from mania to depression. I'm an ultra rapid cycler, often doing this within the course of a day. I'm hard to treat and probably difficult to be with. It is who I am and God says in the Bible that I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I cling to that verse with everything in me.

I'm hoping to go back to work tomorrow because even if I'm sick it'll look bad being gone because it is a holiday weekend.  So I'm praying for a good night's sleep tonight.  I need good, restful sleep in order to do my job.  This sucks.  I was talking to my dad about disability and even though I would qualify for it easily I want to work as long as I can. I do. It's just really really hard right now.

I really need to have a good sales day Saturday or my business could be in a world of hurt fast. I need to sell...sell...sell.  So I've bought a giant 22x28 sign holder that holds 25% off signs and if I choose a 50% off sign. I added watches to my offering and hopefully will have earrings by tomorrow. I will have to put  about 200 pairs of earrings on earring cards. I think that I've decided NOT to label them by SKU number, but to just put them up and have a set price per pair of earrings. I'm doing $9.99/pair of beaded earrings or $18/for two pair. (saves $2.). I'm hoping that a little clever marketing will help.

I also bought these cheese starburst signs in neon colors. I'm going to put them on the top of my necklace forms with the price of the item being sold and it's reduced price. I'm hoping some bright colors and promises of discounts will get people to get out their wallets. Plus we take all credit, debit, checks and cash. So how do you go wrong with that?  I've got my wireless credit card machine charging now.

I just looked at my earring stand and I think that I put in one of the holders wrong. Darn it.

Sitting here, waiting to get tired and come down from the manic high so I can go to bed for the night.  How sad is that? :-)

Until tomorrow I remain sane! ha

The state of my union, my day

The day. The day. It was a day. It was a long day, beginning at 3:30 a.m., the time in which I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm exhausted.  There are no words for what I'm going through but I know God will provide me the strength for what is in front of me.

I am headed to bed in about 15 minutes. Poor dog was kenneled all day, he was so happy to see me that he broke his door off the kennel when I got home trying to get out!  Luckily it popped back on and he wasn't hurt. Poor baby. He and I are playing ball - he's a retriever and likes to retrieve, just not the giving it back to me part!  He's like "X, I go get my prize then you keep taking it and throwing it away from me. Why is that fun?" Then he promptly goes to get it and brings it back.

The day was not all bad. There was one nice part and I'll keep that to myself. It was just nice, normal, familiar.

So with that I'll bid you guys goodnight and hope tomorrow brings new mercies and more grace from God.

Done. Done. Done.

Hard day at work. Hard day personally.  I had a rough day at work, not really related to work, just rough physically and I'm tired. Nothing went right today or so it seems but I need to realize that everything went according to God's plan for this day for me. I know this in my head but it does not make my heart feel better.  My heart is weary, my body worn out.

I have two many things on my plate, two many irons in the fire, too much to handle, whatever the expression is that sums up how I feel tonight. Defeated. Overwhelmed but not despondent. That is the difference. Where things like today used to WIPE ME OUT totally now they are just blips on the radar screen.  Even my dog has it in for me tonight. This morning I was in the shower, lathering my shampoo, minding my own business. I turn around and there, in my tub is my puppy. Water dogs. He promptly got shooed out. I kinda laughed because it was pretty funny.

Tonight is not the time to start any new projects. It is not the time to worry about what tomorrow may or might not bring. It is the time for me to rest in the Lord. Sometimes I need to do this in a very real way. Relax, mentally and physically, read my Bible, pray, dwell on God's word and listen for what I think He's trying to tell me.  And go to bed early. Tonight is a go to bed early night. In fact I might go there in the next 20 minutes!  ha!  I'm an old lady I tell you.

Today my body reacted in a way that I did not count on and it was horrible. I had to take extra medication to deal with it all. Then I was so tired I could barely do my work.  I ate something after work so I felt tons better.

You ever have days that feel like train wrecks? I feel like I've been run over by a train but my faith tells me that I'm right where God wants me...or He's trying to move me somewhere.

Don't like it when my child leaves angry at me for a discipline he/she totally deserved. I even let him/her off lighter than I had planned to at first.

I'm just done for the day. No big insights. Nothing inspiring. I feel flat, frustrated and exhausted. I know tomorrow is a new day in it with new mercies and I just have to trust that God will replenish my heart while I sleep.

Until then.

God's Perfect Timing for this Restless Soul

In this world of Facebook, My Space, Twitter and every other social media, I have never felt so isolated and alone yet I have more friends again now than I have had in almost twenty years. Sweet irony.

I sit here on my sofa, in the dark, watching tv while surfing on Facebook and writing on here. I spent most of the day working on my new business and decided to take some time to just relax - to enjoy the day of rest as God intended it.  It is hard to NOT be busy. Busy is good. Why is that? Well, for starters, I doubt that I'm the only one who feels like this but when you're busy, you don't have the time to think about what is really bothering you.

Which leads me to the next question. What exactly is it that is bothering me?  I'd like to say that I'm going to spill my guts on here but hey, this is the internet, it's public and I'm not saying. Perhaps it is that I don't know. Perhaps it is that I know and that I'm terrified to say. Perhaps I don't know and that is why my face broke out with hives this week from the stress. There are many options to choose from.

What I know is that my heart hurts. It still does and probably always will. It hurts for me. It hurts for my kids. It hurts for the loss of the hopes and dreams I had for my/our future.  My heart is worried. It worries when I should be trusting God. I worry about whether I'll have a job next week. I worry about being able to provide for my children. I'd like to say that after all these amazing years being a Believer that I don't struggle with worry but I do. It's tied into my anxiety and God knows I have issues with that.

I feel that I'm miraculously flawed but at the same time beautifully and wonderfully made. Perhaps I'm just a human this side of heaven. Living out her faith the best she knows how, trying to be a good example to her children. Trying to just make it. Survive. I'd love to thrive but I'll go with survive at this point! ha

So I sit, I sit and I wait until it's time for bed so tomorrow can get here earlier.  Tomorrow could begin the beginning of something good, a change for the better.  I can't go into it on here but if we're friends you know how to get a hold of me and we can talk.  Lets just say that I believe that God has been working me through His perfect plan in His perfect timing and that it is finally the time.

Put it together Yourself Furniture

This morning I thought to myself, hey, I'll put together that bookcase for the kid's room that I bought for them. They're not here, less people, easier to concentrate.  I can't even put the dang thing together and there is no help.  There is no one to help and there is no one to put it together. I am so angry right now I want to spit.

I feel like a failure. My kids think that I can do anything and I suck at it all.  I CANNOT DO EVERYTHING. I'm just one person and one person cannot do it all.  To expect it of one person is not frankly what God had in mind. He designed it to be a partnership, and for that marriage to be until death do us part.

I'm frustrated and just want to scream. Instead I think that I'll go lay down until I calm down.

Maybe I'll try the stupid bookshelf later. I need to buy them a dresser too...how the heck am I supposed to put that together?  I hate this. I hate living here, I hate this apartment, I hate this life, I hate this life, I hate it all.

Not the best day but Fun Nonetheless

Struck out today at my first market. Lots of looky lou's but no buyers. I was discouraged for a while then I've made a plan for how to attack next week. I'm having a giant SALE and bringing in different things.  The best part of my day was when my little people were brought up to see me, bringing hugs and kisses and such. The rest of the time was spent talking to the lady next door who was selling the most God awful silk flower bouquets. I mean, really, who buys fake plants?  Apparently more people than who buy my jewelry!

Came home, let the dog out and took a nap. Woke up, realized later that he had EATEN the door frame to the bathroom which looked to be wet wood.  I am sore at him. Or was. Now he's fluffy and in his kennel ready for bed.  Thinking of taking him next week to the market but need to read the rules.  I will have my kids next weekend and they are going to be a handful. Perhaps take the dog another time would be the wise move.

Nice to have a day of no stress. Today I didn't worry if I was going to have a job tomorrow/Monday. Today I didn't feel the pressure to work as fast as I could to avoid being downsized. Today I just got to do what I love. Except without the money part! ha

Hanging out tonight watching some movie on TNT.  Dog is jealous of my kitty who has come to get her head rubbed.  He wants to eat my two kitties! Not really, I think he just wants to give them a big lick.

Oh no one of my cats is having a hairball cough.  Dog's barking. Night all

Night Before Christmas, er, the Launch

It's the night before I launch my new business.  I'm not even quite ready. I have two bags of product that is not priced.  Gonna have to take my laptop to the place so I can reference my spreadsheet as I price things.  I do have enough to put out for day one.  I got nothing done last night as I had the kiddos here to spend the night.

On my lunch hour I trained on how to use my new credit card and check terminal. I'm pretty stoked about that.  Hoping that I don't run out of register paper.

I only have one sign, I'm so OUT OF IT. I couldn't find and ran out of time to find velvet to make table covers/table cloths so I went to the dollar store and got some pink ones. Tacky. I can't solve every problem tonight. I was able to get a load of laundry done so at least I can be clean tomorrow.  I'm thinking of going to bed now because I have to wake up at 5 in the morning to pack up all this stuff, feed the animal(s), get some food for me.

Too tired to even think about dinner.  I'm WIPED OUT and know it so I'm headed to bed.  I've learned when I need rest and I NEED REST in the biggest way.  God's got this all in His hands anyway.  I bought a speaker dock for my iPod so I can play Christian music tomorrow.  Made a sign about what types of payment we take and that we are giving away 10% of our net profits to charities locally.

Excited but the adrenaline is waning.  I should go. Perhaps if I'm not dead tomorrow I can post how it all went.   The kids are supposed to come see me (their dad said he'd bring them) and I hope that works out and isn't awkward.  Want to show my girls that hard work, God's help and some motivation will help you go far.

I need to sell a LOT of stuff tomorrow.

Quirky Bodies

So I sit here this Wednesday night, tired from a big day at work/big week.  To add insult to injury I have a small outbreak of hives. The bummer is that I would normally take Benedryl and that would kill them but I can't take it with my new medication.

Today I had to take a CPR class at work and had a very small panic attack during it.  The bummer part was that I could not leave - the lady teaching it said if anyone left they would stop the class and would not resume it until that person returned. So I sat there, in a hot room of too many people, suffering and could not escape. It was the worst!  The good news is that I used mind over matter and was able to get it under control through my thinking.  I made it through the class, passed the CPR certification and no one was the wiser.

So I sit here, at 7:55, ready for bed! ha. The other night I went to bed and the little kids were still outside playing (not mine, the neighbor's).  It reminded me of being little and having to go to bed when everyone else was still up.  Only this time I didn't care as I was happy to crawl into bed early.

This week has been really stressful, trying to launch a new business and it takes any extra energy that I have. I'm behind in some other things but I'm looking forward to Sunday when I can get caught up.

I'm thinking that although my poor dog was kenneled all day I am going to put him in the kennel and turn in soon.  I sound like an old lady sometimes. What it is is that I've learned how to take care of myself and when my body reacts and gives me hives I know that I need to relax a little bit.   So I've allowed myself some tv time tonight and plan to turn in soon.

Be good to yourself. Especially if you have any health issues. No one can do that but you. If you're tired, take care and catch some extra zz's. If you're weary, take care of yourself.  I feel this is a bit of a case of do as I say and not as I do....or I wouldn't be in the state I'm in.

Ahhhhh. God bring peace to my heart, strength to my body and joy to my soul. Only you can do this.

Excuse Me While I go Scream Now

Here I sit, maybe the last night where I actually have a job. I asked my supervisor for some time off for a doctor's appointment and she informed me she was no longer my direct supervisor and that I had to get it approved by HR. This is not good. They eliminated my job while I was on medical leave and now have me on a special project that leaves more to be desired. It is the most boring job I've ever done. I sit there every day thinking, well, this is better than when I worked at Target.  I'm on page 500 of a 900 page document that is highly detail oriented.

So I sit here tonight, trying not to freak out but every cell in my body is going holy moly.  I have the head knowledge to know that God will provide for my needs, He always has.  I am split in two: one part of me is FREAKED OUT and worried sick about losing my job potentially. The other part of me knows that God has something planned for me. I'm not feeling very joyous tonight, I will admit. I totally have a bad attitude and it is hard to keep your chin and hopes up when it looks like you're going down with the ship.

I sit here with a choice: how am I going to react if I talk to HR tomorrow and they let me go?  Will I handle it with dignity and grace or will I become angry and bitter? I get to choose how I will react.

It's still hard not to freak out. I mean I have two little kids, and three animals who depend on ME to provide for them.  I drive an old car that I've patched back together recently, I live in a tiny apartment that I am beginning to not like, and I have this sense of impending doom tonight. It's hard not to. I am HUMAN after all.

Then there is the part of me that contains my faith in God. That part of me knows that God knows when a sparrow falls from the sky, He knows how many hairs are on my head and he knows each and every day I have had and will have.  This wonderful and benevolent God of the Universe created me and cares about me deeply. He even sent His Son, Jesus, to die for my sins.

So tonight I'm split in two. Human and spiritual. Of course there is the possibility that HR will come through with a job for me, that is a possibility. I sit here, fully human in my reaction to this and my worry about this.

Excuse me while I go scream now.

A great day, A Grown Nephew and a Stint Under the Weather

Busy day today for this mom. This morning I had to go somewhere for family business, then got to work around 10:45. Then my dad called and one of my nephews was in town and wanted to go to lunch so I said SURE and was so excited. I hadn't seen him in years and it was such a great thing.

So around noon or so up he drove to my work to pick me up and we went out for lunch. Had a great time, it was like a time warp because it seems like it was just yesterday when he was just a little guy and I was babysitting him. Now he is this amazing, deeply spiritual and gifted young man.  We had fun!

After lunch my day seemed to drag. I have felt like I've been coming down with something for a couple of days now and this afternoon my throat hurt and nose was completely clogged. I have a nasty sinus infection and had to cancel having my kids tonight. That was hard because I miss them. I am going to bed around 8 I think.

Tomorrow I have an event in the morning at the kid's school then it's back to work all day.  I hope that I feel good enough to make it through the day.  I am thinking of putting the dog to bed early and just turning in. I need to call the kids as I do every night that I'm not with them and after that I'm calling it quits for the day.

No amazing revelations, nothing profound, just a day. Thankful to have a job still today, thankful for my nephew and his faith, thankful for my kitties and my dog. Thankful for my children. Thankful to God for giving me life and for sustaining me through another day.

Sometimes You Gotta Laugh at it All or You Get Too Darn Serious

Tonight I was driving in my car on my way to pick up THREE of countless scripts that I needed tonight (took last dose).  I was driving home wondering how many thousands of dollars and how many hours of driving I spend a year at the local CVS pharmacy! Sometimes when you can't change the situation you're in, you can take a different look at it, and I find humor helps.

Like....the humor of taking one med to counteract the results of another. Like the countless trips to the pharmacy, so many they know you by name when you go through the drive-thru to pick up your meds.  Like you know your doctor's assistants, front office personnel, his partners, and just about everyone else at his practice. Like the fact that when the pharmacist at the hospital gave a handout of common psych meds, I had taken 30 of them at some point in the past 18 years. These are things that I cannot change so instead I occasionally poke fun at myself.   You have to.

Like it's funny when you're in the hospital because you see the same people sometimes....staff and patients! I had multiple hospitalizations over the past 5-6 years and have been poked, prodded, shocked, medicated, not medicated, inpatient, outpatient, partiallly hospitalized, you name it.

This stuff is humorous.  I have a particularly hard to treat case of bipolar disorder I in case you wonder what it is I have. I am an ultra-rapid cycler which means I cycle from high to low in the course of hours, instead of others days, weeks, months or sometimes years. I've done ECT treatments, 14 or 16 of them, which didn't work.  I've spent countless hours in THERAPY and I hate that word. When did "they" decide it should be called "therapy" and not counseling?  I hate the word therapy. Then again, I don't like cliches either.

So tonight I'm just a girl. Hanging onto life, her job and her kids with all that she has, for however long she has.  I have a slight smirk on my face as I thought about checking to see if CVS is a publically traded company and that I should buy stock if it is!

I laugh at the fact that stuff that's easy for others is hard for me. I can't change it so why beat myself up over it.  I've done that too much and so have others.

This mom's gotta go call her kiddos. Night all. Go laugh at yourself tonight. Find something funny about your situation that you cannot change and change the way you see it - reframe your refererence.

On Normality

Today is better. I feel pretty good so far and it is nice to be HOME, even if it is this little apartment!  This morning I got up, steam cleaned my entry way and half of the apartment. I love getting dirt out of the carpet and it is amazing how much gunk is in there. I'm fairly sure they didn't clean the carpet before we moved here.

I am so worried about what is going to happen with my job. When I was on leave they got rid of my position apparently due to there being less need for it, etc. I was put on a special project that was to take the remainder of my FMLA leave and I'm still on that. Once that is over I do not know if I am going to have a job and I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with that. I'm a little freaked out.

I talked to my boss's boss and suggested that I be his executive administrative assistant and he kind of liked the idea and said he'd talk to HR about it. My friend saw the HR guy and him talking and when she came by they stopped talking. Could be something related to me, maybe not.  

I need a job, I need MY job or any job, I just need to stay employed. This would not be a good time to lose a job.  I need to remain stable, provide for my family, pay child support, pay for this apartment, etc. I just want to be normal and if I lose my job then it could potentially mess a lot of things up.

So I sit here, just a girl, wanting to just BE. Wishing for just one day there wasn't something causing stress and uncertainty in my life. I have felt displaced since I moved out of my home after the divorce was filed.  I've never felt at home anywhere, at either apartment. Sure I put up paintings and art, decorate, but it is empty.  I decorate this place not for me but for my children, to create "home" even though I do not feel this is home. The only time this place feels like home is when my children are here with me. The rest of the time it is just an average to yucky apartment somewhere in the midwest.

Sitting here watching Law and Order and once again they have a crazy person who killed someone and this perpetrator has bipolar disorder. So sick of the misinformation in the media. Yes, there are some who have done wild things while being bipolar but there are an awful lot of us who are just like me, people just trying to get by and be like everyone else. Normal.

I was made to feel like I wasn't normal for many years and it was very hurtful.  To be less than "normal" to someone else, especially if they are someone you are married to is atrocious. What a horrible way to treat someone and an even more horrible way to feel.

I no longer feel less than normal. I am beautifully made by God and am so valuable to Him that He sent His only Son to take my place and died on a cross for my sins.  I am NOT less than normal.  I might be unusual. I might be unique. I might be eccentric but I am NORMAL thank you very much!

Anyone else ever been made to feel like they were "less than" by someone else?

Nothing Profound, Just Questions

Another week at work, went better this week than last although the project I am working on is boring me to tears. I do not mean to sound ungrateful but I'm just frustrated, that's all.  In this economy I am just thankful to be employed.

Med adjustment again this week and I'm starting to feel better again.  It's Friday night and I'm here alone and I just feel....ALONE.  The only "things" I value are shorter than I am and are with their dad. Everything else is just "stuff." Those children are the only thing other than my relationship with God that I care about.  I hate being without them.

My heart is heavy for them lately but I can't go into that here. It is hard to take care of myself when I worry so about them.

Tonight I have no answers. I don't even know if I'll have a job next week. Not sure what God's doing or what He's trying to teach me.  I just have no answers. I am plagued with questions about so many things.

I'm angry. I'm angry that I am somehow not protecting my little ones.  They are counting on ME and only ME to make this right for them and it is such a big responsibility.  They fight so much, they are so angry about this unwanted change in their lives.  Heck, I am still angry about this unwanted change in my life and to my life. I am mad that my hopes and dreams for a  Godly family, including a husband, are gone.  Everything that I knew and loved is gone and I sit in this darn apartment on a Friday alone.

It is so hard to remain hopeful for myself and the kids. Even with my faith being strong it is still hard to remain hopeful. I can't see beyond the next paycheck and this crumby apartment.  I see no future. All I feel is despair and sadness tonight.  Joy comes in the morning sometimes.

I have no deep thoughts, no words of wisdom, nothing profound to say or write about. I just hurt and nothing makes it better. Nothing and no one.  My family was torn in two and nothing will ever be okay again. Sure some people remarry. Maybe I will too someday. Right now I just want to make it through today with the hope that tomorrow will be better.

Power to Do Evil or Do Good

Today on my drive to work I learned of the death of one of America's enemies, Osama Bin Laden. I hadn't had the tv on much yesterday and heard the news actually from the Christian radio station.   I was surprised at my reaction.

I am a die hard, go America, patriotic mom who supports our military in their efforts and as a patriot was proud of our accomplishment in bringing justice to this evil person. Then I began to think about the power each person has and that got me thinking about the fact that God gave us free will.  This amazing gift that allows us to choose Him or not.

I got to thinking about the power each one of us has to do good or do evil with our lives and with our choices. We can serve God or man.   Each one of us has the ability to affect our world in amazing ways. One man, Osama Bin Laden, choose to instill his evil and hate to a generation of followers.  He was just one man but his message was larger than him.

Think about Christianity and our ability to effect other's lives for good. We have this life-changing, bigger than us, message that literally can change a man or woman or child from the inside out and make them into a virtually different person. THIS IS THE GOOD NEWS.

So tonight of course I like many Americans feel some vindication for the death of this terrorist but I mainly am left with thoughts of the power one person can have. You. If you are a Christian, you get to be tapped into the God of the universe, the one who created Heaven and earth, through salvation.

So be one person who does amazing things for good, for eternity. Do things that will not be burned up by fire. Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. Build up for yourselves treasures in Heaven. Serve God is a big way, in your own way, as much as you physically and mentally can, and affect others for Him.

Live large! Let your faith, let your walk with Christ be that so that when you go to be with Jesus someday after your death others will say "she loved others." When I get to Heaven I want to hear God say "well done my good and faithful servant." I don't know if I'm meant to do big things or maybe I'm called to be faithful in the little things. I just know that whatever I am called to do I will do it heartily as unto the Lord.

Lets think tonight on the following of this big day in America of how we can effect the world for good and for God