A new lease on life

Tonight as I have my children for the first full weekend in quite a long time (almost a year and a half), I am extremely thankful and better yet - happy.  I had gone so long without being happy that I didn't think happiness and joy were things that I was going to enjoy in this life.  There were times I longed for Heaven over the past few years because I wanted a relief from the serious heartache and abuse that I was undergoing.

So I sit here.  Happy.  I've been happy for a whole week.   I can't remember the last time that I've really, truly felt this happy.  I feel relieved.  Although I know God doesn't desire divorce, I didn't choose this but through this I have been set free.  I am free to be ME again.  And I like ME.  After years of being belittled by your husband, your best friend, feeling that you like yourself again is a major accomplishment.  I've taken a long hard look at myself from the inside out and I've determined that I am worthy.    

There is so much that I have to say but even now I am afraid of my soon to be "ex."  I'm afraid that somehow he will skew my words against me and against my desire to be a good mom.  I guess that I'm saying that a small part of me is still afraid of the control that he used to have over me.  The control was so intense and lasted for so many years that my normal was not "normal."  My normal was a life in a horrible marriage with a man who loved his electronics more than me.  

There is still much anger but I'm letting it go, bit by bit.  Piece by piece I am releasing the toxic nature of my past relationship.  I find myself smiling a lot now, sometimes I catch myself even singing along to the local Christian radio station.  

I do not know what my future holds but I know that so far, God has taken care of me through each step.   I have searched my soul, scoured it from the inside out.  I looked for God when I thought He had left me.  I clung to Him in a way that I have never before.  Nothing in my life until this point had put my soul in such turmoil.  I did not know who to trust and for a while didn't trust anyone, even my friends and family who just wanted to help me.  My sense of trust is not what it was before but I believe that can be rebuilt.  

So tonight I sit here, healing, partially healed but extremely happy.  My children (I call them that because I try to keep this online persona very vague in case my ex reads it....see, even now I still fear him).  My children give me the courage to become a better mom, and a better woman.  I have small people watching my every move.  I so want those kids to look at me and see how God is making me into something beautiful.  Or maybe He is revealing that I've been beautiful all along.

Someday I want to use my experiences with abuse and divorce to help others.  I want to help women who find themselves in a living nightmare.  I want to be the hand of God in their lives.  I'm praying about how He will lead me to do this.  I've already had several ideas; now to just follow Him.

Tonight I go to sleep happy and full of joy.  Thankful for God's comfort.  Thankful for my friends who have listened to me rant and rave on this subject and that.  Thankful for their patience to their very crazy friend.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I'm happy, healthy, and alive and best of all, I get to be their mom. It doesn't get much better than that!

Unbelievably happy

Today I am happy from head to my toes.  Unbreakable, unbelievable happiness that God has seen fit to give me more time with my babies.  My heart has been broken for almost a year and a half and now it's healing.

We had such a great time and this week get to see each other many days.  The children were so happy the other night when I got to tell them that we would be seeing each other more.  One is just excited that she will get to go swimming with me more this summer.   The eldest is just simply HAPPY like her mama.  

God is good, He is gracious and He heard and answered my cries.  I feel like my life is starting again.

Peace

This morning I have peace.  Peace that God will do what God will do with regard to my children.  This week like never before I have to just give them to Jesus and hopes that He gives them to me.  

We had fun yesterday and it was so nice having them here this morning and getting to wake them up.  What joy.  

God please bring my babies back to me.  

I'm a Big Fake

This week has been characterized by great anger.  I'm mad at my spouse who is divorcing me, mad at the lady at the quick store who took my parking spot, and mostly I'm mad at God.  There.  I've said it.  Those unholy words have come out of my lips.  I feel disillusioned and let down.  Disappointed.  I realize that divorce is the result of two people's cumulative mistakes and sins.  Then there is the God who promises to help the helpless and brokenhearted.  Where is that God tonight?  

Where is God when I miss my kids so bad that I sob, tears streaming down my face onto my pillow?  Where is God when I feel that it's too much to bear?  Why is it necessary for me to go through this much pain?  He could spare me but He isn't.  How do I deal with that philosophically?  What do I make of a God who could spare me pain but who seems silent?

I can't even believe that I've uttered these words out loud, or on this digital paper of my blog.  I've shown myself to be a big fake.  Or at least I feel like a big fake today.  Perhaps I'm just being "real", whatever that is!  All I know is that my heart hurts so profoundly that I'm not sure it will ever recover.  I feel betrayed by my spouse.  I feel unloved and unlovable.   I've been cut to the quick.  

Remember Your Chains, part two

"Remember your chains are gone." -Steven Curtis Chapman

Listening to some tunes to try to calm down.  I'm mad, sad and frustrated all at once.  

Nothing calms me like hearing music about God.  Hearing real Christians who struggle and sing about it.   "I've got a couple of dents in my fenders.  Perfection is my enemy.  On your shoulders I can see - I'm free to be me." 

I've no idea if anyone reads this as I've instructed most of my friends not to comment or at least not to write anything identifying.  Someday I'd really like to write a book but I know that I'm far from that.  So right now this is for me, you and whoever else is out there in cyberspace that God's lead to this blog.  

God's love is beautiful.  It's the only thing in my life that I can count on today and tomorrow.  Sure, there are great moments with my children and family but even those moments last only a short while and then you're back at baseline.  My heart is at baseline and I'm waiting for God to fill me up.  

I feel this angst, I want to write more but not appropriate for this venue, at least at this time in my life.  Feeling like I'm being evaluated by those who seek to tear me down and by those who want to keep my children from me.  Don't know who to trust.  Hard to trust when your best friend filed for divorce from you.  I feel like I could probably write volumes about what this has done to my life.

I just cling to what is good and what is from above; that's the only way that I know to get through this incredible pain and hurt.  I cling to God and hug my children and pray He has a future for us.  I'm ready to start the journey, I'm still grieving my loss but I want to move forward or I might forever be stuck here.  I want to move forward toward the idea of hope.  I hope that there is hope.  

I'm rewriting the voice in my head that was put there over time that I'm incapable, unattractive and not worthy.  I'm created in God's image and I know Him to be capable, attractive and most notably, worthy.  My self image came for so long from my husband and now it is coming from God directly into my soul.  I am no longer who I used to be.  I'm free.  Showered in grace at the foot of the cross looking up to Jesus for my hope.

I just want other people to see Jesus in me; for them to see Jesus in me during my hurt and pain and to have my life honor Him during this time.  

God, I'm waiting here, waiting for you.  Then I realize that you are already here with me.  You've never gone anywhere.  Help me to see Your hand in my life and help me to lead my children in the way they should go.

Missing my Home

I miss my house.  Not only am I getting divorced from my spouse, I'm divorcing my home.  The home we labored together in, hour after hour, bringing her into her true glory.  Making her, well, more "us."  Now "us" doesn't matter and my ex has my house, at least for now.  I miss my home.  I nested there.  I had one child while living there.  This is the only home both children remember.  And I'm sitting here at this stupid apartment and he's living there with the kids.  It's hard not to be furious, not to want to scream out loud!  

It's hard to remain hopeful when I do not understand what God is doing in my life.   To trust Him fully with my life even though the human part of me wants to scream "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"  And part of me wants to say "why me?" but then another part says "why NOT me?"  After all, we live in a broken world and we are all broken people.  I'm broken and I was married to a broken man.  

My mind is clearer than it has been in years but my heart is muddy with feelings, some good, some hurtful, some bad.  Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get over this?  Will I ever be able to move on?  How can I "move on" when I don't understand what's happened so far?  

To top it off, my body is hurting.  This morning it hurt from head to toe.  Luckily my new meds helped it.  I feel a cold coming on.  To top off all the other crap I struggle with!  Keeps me human though.  

So if you're one of my friends or family and you're reading this, pray for my heart.  Pray that it will heal in the right time.  Just pray for me and my family.  

Dreaming a Cruel Dream

Last night, right before I woke up I was dreaming about being married, happily.  Then my alarm went off and I woke up and it was not so.  What a way to start the day.  

I've learned that I need not to have any contact with my soon to be ex, for my own well being.  Anytime I try to talk with him about something, or something I need, I end up mad at him because of the poor way I'm treated.  

So I'm letting go.  Like the song says, "I'm letting go of the life I had for me, and my dreams.  I'm losing control of my destiny.  ....."  Why is losing control, even when it is to God, so hard?  I would so like to gladly lose control but instead I grudgingly give Him control often enough.  

My dream feel like a cruel joke.  Maybe it was just my neurons firing here and there.  Maybe it was a mere coincidence.  Maybe it was from God.  Who knows?  All that I know is that my heart hurt this morning.

When is this going to get any easier?   Until I figure out that answer I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  (I hate that expression!)  night night