Cleaning one room at a time!

If I hear one more person tell me (regarding being overwhelmed in the cleaning arena) to just do one room per day.  Do these people have any idea of what it's like to be ME?  I'm maxed out at work, personally and in every way.  I've just lost my husband and to some extent, my life and family.  

Now I might have to move and that stresses me out.  In every way I'm being pushed and prodded until I feel like I'll break.  I won't but I'm under a great amount of stress at the moment.

I am not used to being alone and the loneliness feels like a prison.  I miss my children so bad that my heart just HURTS so incredibly bad that I can barely stand it.  

No one understands what I'm going through.  I have friends and family but even though they are awesome and loving they have not walked in my shoes and do not know.  It has been so long I should be healing and moving forward but it's so freaking hard.    I feel like I'm in limbo.  I can't go back and I'm paralyzed to go forward.  

If I were to write about my past and what has happened to me I am pretty sure that I could write a book.  Maybe I should?  I can't even write what I want on here because I KNOW him; he'll find this like he does everything.  

I am signing off and writing elsewhere for now.

Weary in spirit

I'm just weary.  Life and work have made me very very weary.  One of my children even said that tonight when I said that I was tired.  I heard "you've been tired all this week mom!"  It's amazing what people notice about you when you're not looking.

New job is good it's just that it's very stressful, at least right now.  I am glad that I will be able to rest up this weekend.  I need to renew my spirit because my soul is weary.  

Trying to do everything well sometimes makes me do nothing quite right.  So much pressure it seems, living under a microscope while people watch.  Tonight I am tuning out.  Perhaps I should dial back into God and into my relationship with Him.  He has become a new, old friend that I talk to throughout the day but especially when I'm driving.  It is for that hour plus a day during my commute that I think about God and how He is caring for me.  I know that He is caring for me today when I was stressed out at work.  He was caring for me tonight when I talked to my family on the phone.  He is caring for me now as I dwell on His goodness.

Lord, renew my spirit.  Make me more like You.  Provide strength and willingness to do what you have in front of me.  Help me not to look back but to look to you for my future and the future of my little family.  

Life Lessons from Disney & move

I am so incredibly blessed.  Nothing in the world compares to the love I feel for my children when I'm around them and when I'm not with them I miss them every second of every day.  

Wonderful weekend with my children.  Watched an old Disney movie that's always good; got to teach about how decisions have consequences.  Love it when a good Disney movie leads way to talk about God, life and choices.  I'm always looking for things to teach them, to prepare them to become adults.

I felt so good this weekend when they were here.  I felt that I was once again the mom that I've dreamed of, or used to be, before I went through years of emotional abuse.  I am doing what I was born to do.  I only wish that my ex weren't my ex and that we had worked out.  

So I sit here, feeling good overall, trying to think about my future, knowing that I am safely in God's hands but scared to death at the same time.  Bring your peace to me, Jesus.  Fill my broken heart with your love.   Be my "husband" and take care of my soul.  

Nothing prepares you for the incredible sense of being ALONE like I have now.  Sure, I have my family but I miss the companionship of being married.  I miss my best friend.  When he came to pick up the fam tonight I just missed him.  I miss the way it was and the way it was going to be. 

Good message at church this morning really made me think, made me think about my gifts and how I can use them for God.   Going through what I have gone through has made me want to start or participate in a ministry for women who have gone through forms of abuse.  Just feel like there is a gap in the Christian community over this issue...but I and my husband were both Christians and still I endured years of emotional abuse.  I want to love these hurting women.  I want to give back what I have been given by others.

So much to think about tonight.  Tonight I just enjoy my little piece of heaven on earth (my children).  I sit and think and just thank God for what I do have and open my heart to what He might do in my life.

On the verge of my future

Tonight I feel like I'm on the verge of something.  What I cannot tell you but I feel like God's gearing me up for something.  Not sure what.  Sometimes I wish we had plans that we could just download and view of our life.  Then there would be no real need for faith.

So tonight although I'm feeling sorry for myself I need to remember how GOD sees me and take that to heart and to my head!  Years of negative and harmful thoughts hurt my head and my heart.  

I've been to more therapy than most people do in their whole life.   It's only been the last 7 months that it's really helped.  I needed to clear the fog in my life and inside of my head in order to take a look into my soul.  

Tonight I feel that I have a choice: I can feel sorry for myself or I can rest in the knowledge that God is caring for my soul and life.  I choose the later.

Trust

It seems that I have more growing to do.  Tonight I realized that I need to work on my sense of trust.  When my husband filed for divorce, my sense of trust was broken to the point that I wonder if I will ever trust anyone that deeply again.  

Then I got to thinking about what things that I could do to re-build this trust, this faith, in people.  I think it's in the little things.  Trusting my friends by telling them my feelings, even if the feelings are hard.  Trusting my family to help me make decisions and to walk me through this horrible time.

So I choose to rebuild my trust in other people one day at a time.  One choice at a time. Today I chose to trust my therapist with some difficult and personal feelings.  Tomorrow, who knows?

Just when I feel like I'm making progress, I am shown just how much I need God.  I need His strength to trust others.  I need Him to give me courage to trust others with my feelings.  I just need more of Him tonight.

An Amazing Day

Today was just amazing.  I barely got into work this morning and my boss asked me to go outside to talk with him while he smoked.  I knew this was good because someone in my department gave his two week's notice yesterday.

Bottom line: I was recommended by my boss and HR for the new position and it was approved this afternoon!  So in two weeks I have a new job with a new raise! 

God is so good.  He is always taking care of me.  It was an amazing day.

Desperate Children

Children desperate for their mother.   This weekend I had my children almost the whole weekend and it was as close to heaven as you can get on earth.  We just spent TIME together, living life.  Making dinner, doing baths, singing to them.  My little one wanted me to sing a special song which I did.  That was really special.  My big one just wanted my time and to snuggle.

I was just made aware of how desperate those little people are for their mother.  I am so happy that I was able to just BE with them.  It was wonderful.  

Lately I've been thinking of how I can take what has happened with me and help other women.  I am not sure what that would take but it appears God has put this on my heart.  I don't know whether this would include joining a group already doing that or starting something new.  I'm leaning toward wanting to start a group for Christians who are in or recovering from abusive relationships.  

So today lots of things to both be thankful for and to think about.   Now to listen for God's voice in my life and to let Him lead me where He wants me to go.