Coming Back to LIfe

My goodness it has been SO VERY LONG since I've felt good, happy and contented, even. I mean, we're talking like 10 years. Or more!

I feel like I'm coming back to life again and it feels really great. When my doctor said the other day that it was probably good that I was no longer with my spouse, he finally put into words, in a professional way, that my spouse was abusive. He listened to me tell him some things about my married life and after that was when my doc offered an actual opinion. (he doesn't do that much). I felt this sense of relief. You see, for years I kept what was going on in my life secret, from my family friends and even the doctor, the one person I reached out to for help, over and over again.

I wish that I could put into words what it feels like to be free. I feel as if I've been given a second chance at life. I feel renewed, like I've been changed into an entirely different person! I also know that the change that I've experienced has come from God.

One of my goals is to become healthier and that is going to include a diet at some point. At a minimum it's going to mean some major changes in my grocery buying habits and in my eating out habits. Less eating out, more eating in. For my health and my wallet.

I'm learning that I do not need others to be happy. That I'm capable of being happy all by myself...with God's help of course. For years I never measured up to my spouse's expectations. In every way. Along the way we went from being best friends, to almost strangers. Along the way my hopes and dreams died. I lost hope. I had lost my husband and so I reached out for help for the extreme depression that I was experiencing. Then, later, my reaching out is one of the reasons he cited for not wanting to be married any more. So I guess I was danged if I did, danged if I didn't. That is a situation I would not wish upon my most favorite of friends.

So tonight I write about happiness and joy instead of the usual hudrum of life. I'm missing my kids bad but it's just a couple of more days until I see them.

God is moving. He is as real to me as anything tactile in this world of ours. The only thing that keeps me going through this chaos is His strength. I feel humbled that He cares for me so. Then again, he knows when a sparrow falls from the sky. So I can assume that he knows my every thought and feeling and has feelings toward me, his child.

Signing off now. (yawning) Until tomorrow. I remain.

Had a nice day

It was such a nice day today. I worked hard today but I didn't stress out.

I'm beginning to feel better physically. I bought some new vitamins and supplements tonight that my doctor recommended. Expensive but if they help me then they will be worth it.

Still nervous about the rest of this month but ultimately know that God is watching over me. I feel like things are starting to fall into place and that is an unusual and weird feeling.

I want my health back. I've gotten my freedom in some ways and in other ways I am still a prisoner. It's complicated and personal. I'm beginning to feel like I'm worth taking good care of. It has taken a healing of my very attacked self esteem to feel like I'm worth it.

You know, you can be a physical prisoner of another. They can lock you up, hand cuff you and you are their prisoner. Then, you can be a prisoner from their abuse. This of course doesn't have to be physical; in fact the mental and psychology abuse lasts a whole lot longer than a bruise. I spent years in this type of a relationship and no one knew a thing. I kept it to myself. Part of me did not know it was abuse; I just knew the marriage was horrible and felt unloved. After I left and some time had passed I realized that what I experienced for years was also domestic abuse.

For me, it was shameful because I thought that someone as smart as I am should have known what was going on. I didn't. Domestic abuse happens to intelligent people too. People who have slowly been worn down; people whose self esteem is non-existent. Bottom line - it can happen to anyone, from any background and socio-economic group. Abuse is abuse is abuse. There. I've said it. Out loud and on the web. I'm not afraid anymore.

My way to wrap my head around what has happened to me is to talk about it frankly and openly to anyone who will listen. You see, for each time that I say to someone else that I was abused I - excuse the cliche - am taking my power back.

I'm relearning about myself. Returning to my roots so to speak. Now if I could get my outer body to coincide with the person I see on the inside then perhaps I would feel more harmony in my body. Next step is starting to take better and better care of myself physically.

Distance from my abuse and my abuser is what has helped me to truly heal and move forward. Often I take one step forward and two steps back but over time I am making headway. I'm learning to enjoy the process as God makes me more like Him.

I feel like there is so much I want to say. I want to tell others. To teach and to warn. To be an example of one who moves toward healing and toward God in the midst of great obstacle.

I want others to see God is me as I go through this difficult time. I want to use what God has given me to bring others to His feet.

Lord I lay at your feet tonight asking for wisdom and for strength. Asking for protection for my children. Please guard their little hearts O my God. Wrap your arms around them. Send Angels to guard over them as they sleep.

All Things are Possible

With God, all things are possible. No need to add anything more to that.

With God, all things are possible.

Healing Slowly

Today something in me healed. I'm not sure what it was or how it happened I just know that I feel different. Somewhere along the way I've begun to heal. This weekend went far to help me do that. The love and tenderness and patience of my children toward me humbles me and blesses me.

I love being a mom. I feel like I've just now grown into this job, I've blossomed into this amazing mom that I always dreamed of. Perhaps I always was, I just didn't know it. I think that I've really grown this last year or more.

I can only imagine if I keep surrendering my will to God's what He'll be making me into. A woman after His own heart.

Nothing's impossible for God. I just want to be more like Him.

Happiness, Peace and Rememberance

Tonight I just feel happiness. Spending time with my children is the best part of my life. It is the only time when I feel at peace. When they are here is when I feel "normal." All the rest of the time I just feel like I'm living someone else's life. It certainly is turning out much differently than I thought it would! I've read a Larry Crabb book called "Shattered Dreams" many times over the past couple of years. The concept of the book is that often when are dreams are shattered, God replaces them with new dreams, His dreams. It's very comforting and a good read.

The dream of my marriage is dying and in place of it God is instilling in me a deep sense of purpose in my role as a mom. I have a strong responsibility to them and their future. I feel a bit like I had lost myself for a very long time and that I'm beginning to re-emerge, a much changed woman. God has used the heartbreak of this time to make me more like Him. Each and every day. It used to be that when I would wake up in the morning there was about a half second when I was happy and then it dawned on me the nightmare I was going through. Now my alarm goes off, I throw off my covers, stretch and ask God for the energy for the day. He provides.

In the last year or more He has begun to mend my heart. I have good days and I have bad days just like anyone. The bad days are becoming fewer and the good days are increasing. I'm feeling better and better. Freer. That's really it - I feel free. Free of the hurt that encased my life for so many years. Free to be myself without the judgement of a critical spouse. Free.

This time of my life is about working hard, very very hard, trying to make a difference in my job so that I eventually get rewarded. Wondering every day if I'll make it to the next paycheck, if I'll pay all my bills. Somehow, thanks to some, I am able to pay my bills, pay off the debt I was left with and still have enough to live on. God takes such great care of me.

Tonight I'm just very happy and peaceful. Every moment of stress of the day(s) of this week has melted away and I sit here on my sofa, peaceful and happy because my children are asleep in the other room and in about 5 minutes I am going to lay my head on my pillow and spend some time talking to God.

Then do it all again tomorrow!

Feeling Better

After a period of not feeling good and doing a few rounds of antibiotics, I am happy to say that I am feeling good. A couple of med adjustments have helped me to feel better and more like myself and LESS MEDICATED. A very good thing.

I'm open to change and realize that I'm going to have to. I really need to do a top to bottom makeover. From the inside out.

Today was a good day. Like most days I start slow but am ending well. I am starting to let go of some things in one area of my life but in other areas I struggle. I guess that's the plight of being human!

I feel like things are starting to look up but at the same time I worry. I worry that I'll never make enough money to take care of my kids. I worry that I'll not find the right apartment. I worry that I'll never be able to afford to own a home. My dream that keeps me going is the idea of buying a home for us, the kids and I. A small, modest home that I can take care of and be proud of. I dream of rose bushes and little people, growing up together. All together. Happy. I know that God put this dream in my heart. Now it's up to Him to finance the dream. I believe He's going to provide.

So tonight I'm hopeful for tomorrow and for what it might bring. God is caring for me.

A good day

It's been so stressful lately but today was a good day.  I felt decent and was productive at work.    I feel like I'm slowly getting the hang of things in my department and digging out from the mess the person before me left.

I'm just trying to do my best every day with the energy God gives me for that day.  That is, for me, what being faithful means.  I have to be faithful in the little things.  I also have to learn to be thankful for whatever circumstances God has put me in.  While taking personal responsibility for truly messing my life up and my marriage.  I am willing to take responsibility for my failings but I have already asked God for forgiveness.  He said "as far as the East is from the West, so far He has removed my transgressions from me."  That rules.  In every way.

The reality is that as much as things seem to be falling apart, God is actually blessing me.  I truly believe there is joy on the other side of sadness.  

So tonight I take it minute by minute, then hour by hour, then day by day.  A good friend had to remind me to do that.  Helpful suggestions from afar that I am thankful for.

goodnight all