Friday

Big day today. When I asked my boss for time off for court he gave me the run around because he and this other guy are going to be out of the department and I have to be there. I was only going to be gone for like 4 hours. Geesh. I was hopping mad, stormed off while announcing "Yeah, I'm sorry my divorce is getting in the way of a half day of work." Uncaring man. He called me on it, made me go outside to talk to him about it. I apologized but honestly stayed pissed off most of the day.

Yeah, this court date only has to do with my future and the visitation of my kids. No big deal. In my mind, ten times more important than a stupid day in my department. So he wrote a letter and I submitted it and my attorney is going to ask for a continuance. This will be the second or third one. I'm so freaking sick of it all.

I also was pissed. I show up before anyone in our whole department, take no breaks during my day while they all enjoy their smoke breaks, take half hour lunches so I can keep on top of my work and work overtime at night, all to catch up. So when I ask for 4 hours off so that I can go almost finalize my freakin divorce I would expect a little civility, perhaps even a little understanding. Stupid people. Well if the judge does not continue then I'll take it to the HR department (who is friends with my boss), or maybe my boss's boss.

Can you tell I was a little mad today? I still closed about 4 claims and worked on 3 or 4 new ones in addition to all the other ones I'm processing. I'm probably the best one in our department (after my manager) and I've only been doing it about 6-8 weeks.

Tonight I have the children for the weekend. Fun fun fun. Tomorrow is some event and Sunday we're having lunch with my parents. Should be a good weekend over all. They were so tired tonight. I'm headed to bed in a few minutes too. My new furry friend sleeps with me. I love her so much already.

Changing While Returning to the Girl I was

Today I ponder little people and their role in our lives. For me, "my" little people are gifts sent to my tummy straight from God. They are the joy of my life, my proudest participation in something bigger than myself.

When I was little I would dream of the little people I would have. What they would look like, what I'd be, HOW I'd be, etc. Some of those things have come true....the most important ones. I dreamed of being married to a wonderful man and having these precious little people.

In a few days it will be my wedding anniversary and I'm technically still married and it will be my 2nd anniversary by myself, separated from my husband. Bottom line, there is no silver lining in that cloud. It's just one big rain cloud. I need to think of something that I can do for myself that will help me deal with such a sad day.

I wanted nothing more than to fall in love (which I did) and live with him and have a family for the rest of my life. Then one day, even though I felt like I was living in a complete and horrible nightmare, he decided to file for divorce. My world seemed to end that day. At least that is how I felt.

Today I feel hurt, sad, lonely and tonight I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. It's hard to stay mentally healthy when the person you love more than anything wants to live life without you. And IS living life without me.

Nighttime is hard. I mean, going to bed alone was my reality for years. He moved out of our room probably 2-3 years before he filed. Broke my heart into little pieces. I never recovered from the rejection, the outright cruelness of being ignored. It's probably been 5 years since I held my husband's hand or walked arm in arm. The last hug I got was at my grandma's funeral but it was probably the last time I had a real hug from him.

The last years have been a nightmare. My nightmare and one so personally humiliating and horrible that I never shared with anyone, not even my doctor who I put my life into his hands. It's just now, years later, that I was able to tell my doctor that I felt like I was in an abusive relationship.

It's so hard to say. It's humiliating. I know that domestic abuse happens to all sorts of people in all walks of life. For me, I always thought that I was too smart to let something like that happen to me. The reality is, men abuse smart women. Men abuse women of all walks of life. It was not my fault. I did not want this to happen to me. I felt trapped. I felt like I would be unable to make it on my own. I was petrified, unhappy and stuck. It was horrible. Then one day he told me that he had filed for divorce. Two weeks later I've moved out, picked up my child from school for the last time and a year and a half later I sit here. So much has changed. I am no longer who I used to be in one way and in another I am returning to who I always have been.

And for tonight I must stop thinking or I will not be able to sleep. I have to unplug, to stop thinking. I have to put the sadness away for the night.

Normal Can be Good

Another nice, normal day. What a blessing in and of itself. So many people have these very amazing but normal days every day and don't think they are living blessed lives.

Today I woke up, felt good, took my meds and vitamins, got showered and ready for the day. I then took my breakfast and pop with me and began the drive to south east of the city. I then sat down, and totally had a productive yet unstressful day. I love my new job and feel like I'm really good at it too which makes me feel good about myself.

After work I went to therapy like I do every Monday night. Before we started my counselor realized that we were out of Kleenexes. I told her to never mind because I didn't plan to cry. Wrong answer. I cry every freaking time that I go there.

Lots going on here at my household. We have a new member of our household and she's really great. She's short and furry and soft. I'm glad that she gets to live with us. I wanted her and she wanted me. She picked me. She's my new pal. I can't wait for her to meet the children. Fun fun fun.

Overhaulin!

Today I've been overhaulin myself and my home. I feel like my eyes have been opened and now I know what I need to do and have the energy to do it. What a blessing. I feel like I am 20 again. I mean, I've washed my comforter, sheets, clothes, went shopping, went to a movie, and it's only 6pm! That rules. Oh, and gave the kitty a brushing. My goodness did the fuzz come off her! She liked it. I'm going to try it on the other one when she feels more at home.

Got some things for the kid's room today; can't wait for them to see what I have planned. I hope to clean their room tomorrow night or Wednesday night. They are going to be SO SO EXCITED.

I have more to do tonight; I can't catch up with EVERYTHING all in one weekend but I want to. So much to do and so little time! I bought smell good sprays this afternoon and have sprayed them to and fro. (inhale. exhale.)

and I go on.....

Reawakening In Me

I can't believe it. I am feeling good....I mean, REALLY REALLY good for the first time in, well, years. Physically and mentally feeling good. Two of my doctors have changed some of my meds around and I feel AMAZING. Lets put it this way - I am cleaning house for the first time in a while. For so many years, just being awake and existing was exhausting.

I have a lot to do to get my life in order but for the first time in very many years, I feel like I might have the ongoing, consistent energy to actually get it done. I mean, I've done more this morning than in weeks prior! :-)

Doing laundry, cleaning, nesting. Can't believe that I might have to leave this place that I once hated. I'm just getting used to it. Well, God's got some sort of plan I just am not sure of it yet. The idea of packing up again and leaving to another apartment is depressing. I want a home for my children so much. More than anything in the entire world.

Even today, as good as it goes, I get to thinking about what I want more than anything is for my family to be whole but I've given up on that hope. It's not going to happen and it probably wouldn't be good for me but I can't help but wish it. There, I've said it. I would give anything in the entire world to be able to go back and undo a lot of things. Even with all the healing that has happened in my heart there is a part of it that will forever be broken and that's just the way it is.

I've got to get it together and quit feeling sorry for myself. I should go finish that laundry I started! Then take a shower, then go grocery shopping, then, then.

Coming Back to LIfe

My goodness it has been SO VERY LONG since I've felt good, happy and contented, even. I mean, we're talking like 10 years. Or more!

I feel like I'm coming back to life again and it feels really great. When my doctor said the other day that it was probably good that I was no longer with my spouse, he finally put into words, in a professional way, that my spouse was abusive. He listened to me tell him some things about my married life and after that was when my doc offered an actual opinion. (he doesn't do that much). I felt this sense of relief. You see, for years I kept what was going on in my life secret, from my family friends and even the doctor, the one person I reached out to for help, over and over again.

I wish that I could put into words what it feels like to be free. I feel as if I've been given a second chance at life. I feel renewed, like I've been changed into an entirely different person! I also know that the change that I've experienced has come from God.

One of my goals is to become healthier and that is going to include a diet at some point. At a minimum it's going to mean some major changes in my grocery buying habits and in my eating out habits. Less eating out, more eating in. For my health and my wallet.

I'm learning that I do not need others to be happy. That I'm capable of being happy all by myself...with God's help of course. For years I never measured up to my spouse's expectations. In every way. Along the way we went from being best friends, to almost strangers. Along the way my hopes and dreams died. I lost hope. I had lost my husband and so I reached out for help for the extreme depression that I was experiencing. Then, later, my reaching out is one of the reasons he cited for not wanting to be married any more. So I guess I was danged if I did, danged if I didn't. That is a situation I would not wish upon my most favorite of friends.

So tonight I write about happiness and joy instead of the usual hudrum of life. I'm missing my kids bad but it's just a couple of more days until I see them.

God is moving. He is as real to me as anything tactile in this world of ours. The only thing that keeps me going through this chaos is His strength. I feel humbled that He cares for me so. Then again, he knows when a sparrow falls from the sky. So I can assume that he knows my every thought and feeling and has feelings toward me, his child.

Signing off now. (yawning) Until tomorrow. I remain.

Had a nice day

It was such a nice day today. I worked hard today but I didn't stress out.

I'm beginning to feel better physically. I bought some new vitamins and supplements tonight that my doctor recommended. Expensive but if they help me then they will be worth it.

Still nervous about the rest of this month but ultimately know that God is watching over me. I feel like things are starting to fall into place and that is an unusual and weird feeling.

I want my health back. I've gotten my freedom in some ways and in other ways I am still a prisoner. It's complicated and personal. I'm beginning to feel like I'm worth taking good care of. It has taken a healing of my very attacked self esteem to feel like I'm worth it.

You know, you can be a physical prisoner of another. They can lock you up, hand cuff you and you are their prisoner. Then, you can be a prisoner from their abuse. This of course doesn't have to be physical; in fact the mental and psychology abuse lasts a whole lot longer than a bruise. I spent years in this type of a relationship and no one knew a thing. I kept it to myself. Part of me did not know it was abuse; I just knew the marriage was horrible and felt unloved. After I left and some time had passed I realized that what I experienced for years was also domestic abuse.

For me, it was shameful because I thought that someone as smart as I am should have known what was going on. I didn't. Domestic abuse happens to intelligent people too. People who have slowly been worn down; people whose self esteem is non-existent. Bottom line - it can happen to anyone, from any background and socio-economic group. Abuse is abuse is abuse. There. I've said it. Out loud and on the web. I'm not afraid anymore.

My way to wrap my head around what has happened to me is to talk about it frankly and openly to anyone who will listen. You see, for each time that I say to someone else that I was abused I - excuse the cliche - am taking my power back.

I'm relearning about myself. Returning to my roots so to speak. Now if I could get my outer body to coincide with the person I see on the inside then perhaps I would feel more harmony in my body. Next step is starting to take better and better care of myself physically.

Distance from my abuse and my abuser is what has helped me to truly heal and move forward. Often I take one step forward and two steps back but over time I am making headway. I'm learning to enjoy the process as God makes me more like Him.

I feel like there is so much I want to say. I want to tell others. To teach and to warn. To be an example of one who moves toward healing and toward God in the midst of great obstacle.

I want others to see God is me as I go through this difficult time. I want to use what God has given me to bring others to His feet.

Lord I lay at your feet tonight asking for wisdom and for strength. Asking for protection for my children. Please guard their little hearts O my God. Wrap your arms around them. Send Angels to guard over them as they sleep.