It is what it is

Feeling out of control tonight. Anxious. Got my taxes filed, my first time doing that alone in 10 years. Last year I took exceptions for the kids thinking that was normal but then later realized that I couldn't claim them, that HE could. So I underpaid taxes and my alimony wasn't taxed. So basically screwed. I owed about 2500.00. I was able to pay 1500 of it or so but it leaves me taxed out!

So I was just getting the debt he left me with almost paid down, I now face a while until I can be free of debt. It is what it is. It's where I am. It won't always be like this I know. It is what it is.

Tomorrow I am going in early and then plan to take a short lunch and leave early to go to the vet.

Tonight I just have to let this go. I have no control over it. I have learned a lot and this tax situation WILL NEVER happen to me again.

I just felt like I was getting out from under the pile. I had saved enough to move and put a downpayment on a new apartment and pay for a mover. Now, I'm starting from scratch and only have 6 months to get ready to move.

I want to scream, to yell and I can't. I'm smarter than this. I shouldn't be in this situation.

GRRRRR

Painful Metamorphosis of my Soul

Tonight I was driving home from being out and I realized that I've never driven so much as I have since I've been on my own. I miss sitting in the passenger seat, being someone, my dear one's passenger.

The other day one of the kids was talking about heaven and he/she was talking like in heaven we'll be a family, all 4 of us. I had to look away, it hurt my soul so much. It made me sad for my little one.

It's especially hard today as I'm physically very ill. I hope the antibiotics start to work soon.

Tonight my little one talked about missing me on the phone. It made me sad.

Feeling maybe a little better than yesterday.

Tonight I realized that there is much unsaid between my soon to be ex and I. I think that I long to tell him the extent of my hurt, to see if he would take some responsibility for breaking my heart. I cannot have that conversation. This week I thought of how much I long for heaven. How I long to be home. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere or doing anything stupid. I just long for the day when I am made into a perfected state. I wonder, when we get to heaven, will our broken relationships from here on earth be mended or even be relavent? It's a lovely sentiment. The idea that in heaven what is broken here will be fixed.

I have never been through anything like this in all the world, in my life. I say "through" because I WILL MOVE THROUGH THIS. God will heal what is broken, God IS healing what is broken in my heart. The time seems excruciating and long. Why does radical and meaningful change have to take such a process? God is building a new me. He has taken my sins and washed me white as the snow. I am not the woman I once was. God is taking my broken heart and parts and is making me into something beautiful.

The pain of divorce is real, intense and well, horrible. I miss my husband. I miss the man I married ten years ago. Where did he go? As much as I hate him and feel this uncomforting sense of abandonment, I still pray for him, that God will change him into the man God wants him to be. I pray that he becomes the man our children need him to be.

Tonight I just sit and I cry. Alone. I'm tired of being brave. My heart is broken and I'm pissed off about it. My children are not here and that makes my heart very very sad. I want to sneak into their rooms, cover them up and give them a kiss. But I can't. I only get to do that 4 nights a month. That sucks. I want my children back.

I should stop. I have to stop before my eyes run out of tears.

Be thou my Vision

Struggling today. Health problems getting me mentally down today. Physical sickness wears my soul out.

Tonight I'm feeling profoundly alone. I miss my children intensely. They miss me. I listen to them and their feelings. I know they are mourning the loss of their mom. One of them told me last night "I wish you didn't have to live at the apartment, mommy." I hear this type of thing often and it rips my heart right from my chest. It makes me sad and then I get mad - mad at their dad. Then I wrestle with my anger and realize that I do not want to live with anger any more and let it go.

Thankful it's the weekend and I pray that I am able to sleep and to truly rest. My body and soul both crave rest. God's rest and peace.

Today was stressful and I'm worried about some things that I can't talk about on here. It's hard to trust.

Today is a drop in the bucket of a lifetime of adventures. Some are good, some feel bad, but all are memorable. God has His hands on my life and on my heart. I believe that God can heal my heart. I pray for that God will work His work in me, whatever that might be. I'll be honest, there are some days and I think to myself that this God I serve does not make sense. But there's just something about this Jesus character that makes me drop it all, let it all hang out and follow Him. Following Him has led me here to this very spot and this very moment in time. My entire life is known by Him, he planned it - each and every day. Think about it people - God knows when a sparrow falls from the sky. Can you imagine how much He care for us?

Tonight although my world seems unknown and my future scary I keep following Jesus. Trusting Him with my heart and with my life. Be thou my vision O Lord.

Getting Sick I think

Really dragging today. This morning I woke up with a sore throat, hoarse voice and aches and pains. I SO did not want to go to work today but I have to take off a couple of hours here and there over the next few weeks. Need to show that I'm fearless at work. Must keep ahead of it all....at the head of the pack.

Tonight it's about taking care of ME. I just want to relax and be a vegetable and sit in front of the tube.

Not feeling so good the last couple of days. I'm so hoping that I was going to continue feeling good. I'm hoping and praying that I can continue feeling good.

Watching Dr. Oz. Oprah's boy wonder. He's amusing. I guess that I'm having a girl's night in. Just me and the furry creatures.

Is Life what you make it or is there more to it?

Life is what you make it. That's the popular philosophy but I don't really believe it to be true. Not sure I can reconcile my views on predestination with the idea that "life is what you make it." ha.

Life is what God gives you. Each and every day He gives you a new day, with no mistakes in it yet. A clean slate every day. One of my favorite verses is that "as far as the east is from the west, so far He has removed our transgressions from us." When the guilt threatens my sanity and peace, God reminds me of that. He reminds me that His blood has washed me and covered my sins. He took my place. Think about that. REALLY think about that. Blows your mind, doesn't it?

There are days when I tire of being "brave" and just want to fall apart and sometimes do. I do know that I have little people who watch every move I make and every word I say makes an impact on their lives. What a treasure to hold in your hands.

God is good no matter how we feel about it, about life, about our circumstances. Bottom line, He's in charge of this thing called life, this wild and crazy adventure that sometimes makes me crazy and other times humbles me.

I have this amazing calling. It's nothing new but I am taking it way more seriously these days. It's about my job being a mom. I have to teach them how to live life. How to love God and how to love one another. Ultimately I have to teach them how to love their future husbands. Now that is humbling as I do not feel qualified to teach anyone how to love their husbands. I do know that I loved mine more than I ever thought possible and mourn the loss of our relationship each and every day.

This week I've felt very human. I've had lapses in judgement at work one day that was unlike me. My big mouth almost got me into serious trouble at work. Luckily I stopped before I said what I wanted to. I really enjoy what I do; it feels really great to work hard, work overtime a lot and see my paychecks slowly growing. Even with that my thought is for my children. I want to buy them a home so much. I'm praying and have been praying for a long time that God will work that out, some day, some how.

Until then I am happy to sit on my floor with my children and play with whatever we have in front of us. I feel like I've been given a second chance to be a really really great mom and I'm taking it all in, thankful for every day with them. Thankful for the extra time that I have with them.

I'm learning to like myself again and I don't mean that in a snobbish way at all. For so long I hated myself....my self esteem had been whittled away by someone I cared about deeply. With each cutting remark, comment, lack of showing affection, you name it. Each thing went on top of the other, causing hurt over hurt in layers.

I'm a woman with many layers. I thought that I had let my spouse into my inner layer...well I did. Then he rejected me at my very core. It doesn't get much more hurtful than that. So call me an onion and watch my layers peel away. I am becoming a woman after God's own heart. Someday when I get to heaven I want God to say that I am a woman after His heart. I'd like to hear Him say "well done my good and faithful servant!"

So I try to be faithful in the little things. I have learned to live without "things" and be just fine. I have one pot and one skillet and I've cooked a million meals. I've learned to make my own fun and really BE with my kids. Not just entertain them. BE with them. Teach them. Discipline them. Have fun with them.

This was a random post but I just had so many things going around in my head and it helps me to write. Someday I want to write a book. I've got my title. Just need the freedom to do it. I've had several people tell me that I should write, that they enjoy what I have to say. Freaks me out a little bit.

Must wind down now. Goodnight.

Be Still

Had a nice, peaceful day today. Didn't feel as good as I have been feeling.

Tonight I had "therapy" - have I ever told you how much I hate that counseling is called that today? So I went to counseling after work. Big day at work, big day in therapy. Came home, tired, mentally, physically and spiritually. I just turned on my iTunes and am now listening to Steven Curtis Chapman.

Be still and know that He is God. Be still and know that HE is holy. Bow before the prince of peace. Let the noise and clamour cease.

Sometimes when I have hard days I just listen to this song and remember what life is about. What my life's service is about and WHO it's for.

Be still.

Know that He is God.

Be still. Be speechless.

Be still. Be still. BE STILL.

goodnight

The Lonely Person in a Crowd

I can't help it. Every weekend with the children I'm so excited; I feel like my life is normal again, happy even. Then they have to go back to their dads and I'm immediately sad without them. It's like part of me is gone. It's like falling in love and then having that love ripped out of your hands. It's when they leave that the "unwrapped" me comes out. The raw, deeply hurting girl whose heart is still broken over the loss of her marriage. I was made to feel like it was all my fault. For years. Just seeing him tonight was hard. See, part of me misses him and part of me has this broken heart.

I feel like I have to compartmentalize my feelings as a way to deal with them. Especially the feelings of loss and hurt. During the week I focus on work and my time with the children. Then, at other times, in the weekends I allow myself time to think. On Monday nights I continue to "think" and to talk to my counselor. Like clockwork every Monday.

I don't think that I will ever adjust to this divorce. Part of me will always love him. Part of me might always hate him but I hope not. I've been through other periods of my life in which I held onto resentments for years and it took a toll on my health. I sit in church, surrounded by people I do not know, a lonely person in a crowd. I listen to the pastor exhort men to love their wives and I feel like a failure. I hear the pastor's wife talk about loving her husband and I am profoundly aware of how alone I really am.

I like to think of myself as a tough cookie. Over the years I've been through what has felt like one season of hurt after another. Still I cling to God for hope. For He is the only real hope there is, for anything or for anyone. I've been knocked down again and again and I still keep getting back up. Some would call that foolish, others might call it brave. Me, it's just the way it is.

My reality is that I struggle with profound sadness each and every day. I've struggled with depression for most of my adult life. The only real relief I had was when I first got married; I was giddy and happy and in love. Then periods of happiness around the births of our children. Then just long periods of hurt, anger and the most miserable marriage ever. I lived in a loveless marriage for years because I felt like I could not support myself, that he would take the kids, that I wasn't qualified for this or that. I lived domestic abuse. There. It's out there. It's not pretty and it's not popular but it's all there. I was abused by my husband emotionally and psychologically for our whole marriage. This probably sounds horrible but there were times that I wished that he would just hit me, because in my head if a man ever hit a woman, she should just leave. What I didn't realize was that I was living inside a marriage where I was being hit, but on a deeper and more hurtful level.

It still boggles my mind. On one hand I say that I was a victim of domestic abuse but on the other hand it is not what defines me. I cannot let it define me. I can choose to let it change me into a more loving and caring person. The enemy wants to drag me down. How can I BE one thing and then the other at the same time? I ask you. How?

I often feel like yelling. Out loud, about my life and about the demise of my marriage. I want to yell out about how much I hate that my kids are over there with him now and I am home alone. Home in this stupid apartment. I feel like a visitor in my own life.

The emotion passes and I'm here, alone. Trying to decide if I can be alone and be okay. Part of my heart wants to crawl inward and never open up again. Part of me knows that if I do that, he wins. Evil wins. So I sit here at the crossroads between my past and my future. My kids depend on me to overcome what is put before me. So them, I'm their super hero who can do anything and be anything. I feel like a super hero whose cape is torn with jagged edges. My super hero powers are no longer mine.

I want my children to know ME. To know their mom, the good, the bad and the ugly. I want to show them that even though life is hard, God is good and can be counted on. That I can be counted on, for them today and for their whole lives. That is one promise I made when they were conceived, actually way before that. I promised to love them, no matter what, all of my life.

I feel like maybe I've had my chance. Right now I'm focusing on the children and their future. But the selfish part says "what about MY future?" Tonight that's about all the thinking and expressing that I can muster. I'm signing off now. Perhaps next time I will have a more upbeat time. But if you're to know me, you have to know both sides of me. All the sides of me. The last person who knew all my sides rejected me. Beware of what you sign up for!