World's Longest Weekend, Double Naps and more

This seemed to be the world's longest weekend.  Yesterday I saw two movies which was a total blast.  It was nice to have some time to "escape" in a relatively healthy way.  At least it's way healthier than when I was in college and used to drink it away.  Oh but that was many years ago.

Today seemed to drag on.  I went to church which was great.  I still feel like a fish out of water there sometimes unless I'm up working with the kids then I feel at home.

After church I came home and took a nap, woke up for a while then took, yes, A SECOND NAP.  I do not know what came over me.  I don't know if I've ever done two naps in one day.  I know that the stresses of these past few weeks especially are piling up.  I hope that I don't crumble in a big pile from them when this is all over.  In a way a divorce is like a death but without the finality.  I mean, there is the finality of not being married anymore but you still have to see this person; they are forever connected to you through your children.

I  go to church and see these nice couples who love God and think: why wasn't that me?  No one wanted that more than I did. I prayed for it as a kid and as I grew into a young woman as well.  I guess this is the Sunday night it's not fair coming out.  I struggle with this every weekend that I'm alone.

Sunday nights are when I'm lonely.  Yes, I'll admit it.  I'm pathetically lonely.   I miss the companionship of my husband, when we were happy together.  I miss that very much.  Missing it won't bring it back and probably shouldn't.

I haven't talked to the kids all weekend and now they're gone for a couple of more days.  It's torture and I hate it.  I want my children here with me, where they belong.  You see, those little people I care more about than myself, and more than anything or anyone else in this world.  There is nothing that I would not do, no mountain too high to climb, no valley too low to go through, for THEM.  The strength that I'm gaining and have gained going through this divorce has just made me a better mommy for THEM.

There is still so much undone in this situation.  It could be many more years before I'm truly settled.  The divorce could happen in the next couple of months.  Apparently one day the judge will just issue a decree and we'll cease to be married.  I'll find out about it from my attorney in an email or a phone call.  God how horrible is that?  There are no words to describe the depth of my sorrow.

So enough of the woe is me.  I have much to be thankful for.  A good job, nice people to work with, a place to live, nice furry friends, wonderful family, a few really good friends and of course, God.  My relationship with God has been my lifeblood.

Thankfully tomorrow is another day.  With new mercies in it.  Isn't that a wonderful thought?  God renews us each night while we sleep and then gives us a fresh new day, a clean slate each and every day.  Then grants us forgiveness when we screw up.

Is it tomorrow yet?  :-)

Heart's Desire, Lots of Tears and my Place in God's heart

After my matinee movie, I am walking to the car thinking about what I really want.  I mean, at my core, deep.  What it is that I want.  It is hard to admit but I want my husband and family back.  I just want him different.

Why is it that I want what I can't have?   God originally put this love I have for X in my heart.  I stood before God and my friends and family and promised to love, honor cherish and never leave X.  Now, years later he's sick of me, I've been devastated by the way I was treated but there is still a part of me that loves him.  It probably always will.  We will grow old.  We both might re-marry.  But there is still one special part of my heart that he will always have.

But for all the praying, God has not lead X back to me.  He has not granted my hope to reunite with my husband, for us to heal, for God to change his heart.  Instead God has something much different planned for me.  It's exciting on one hand and on the other it is frightfully scary.  I'm in uncharted waters, in a boat being thrust about by the gentle and sometimes stronger winds of the change from God.  I feel rather adrift in a sea.  My future is uncertain; I worry constantly if I will be able to provide for myself.  For years X told me that I wasn't this or that (jobs that I had done before),  and if you hear something enough you begin to believe it, even if it isn't true.  When the person you trust most in the entire world is telling you something you believe it.

I completely and totally trusted this man who used me and then when things weren't working out quite the way he had planned, he filed a nasty little piece of paper that eventually caused me to leave our home, and the kids.  To this day I do not know if I will ever recover from those feelings.  They are as raw today as they were yesterday.  I suppose that's the nature of pain.  Little things remind me of the life I once had.  What I need to wake up and realize are the facts.

The facts are this: I was living with someone who was not capable of unconditionally loving me as his spouse.  When areas of my health faltered, so did his love for me.  He took my poor health and used it against me and still tries to to this day.  Now that I'm away from him, the truth is that I am doing great most of the time.  There are times, usually on the weekends, like now that I get a little sentimental and my heart starts hurting again.

The facts are that I do not need to worry if I will be able to provide because God owns the cattle on a thousand hills and He will care for me.  He has cared for me along the journey and does even now.  I feel like I  have one foot in heaven and one foot on earth.  My soul longs for heaven, to be in a place where there is no sorrow, only joy and  praising our Savior.

"Be still and know that He is God."

God caring for my heart tonight through His music.

I feel like I'm bursting at the seams I have so much to say but doubt anyone even reads this.  Someday I will go public and just declare it's mine but for right now it's my anonymous place to talk, contemplate and consider.  Even now I'm still afraid of him and how he could someday use something I say on here against me in court.   He wouldn't pick the parts where I talk about  how passionately I love my children or how great I'm feeling or how I feel like God's made me into a new person.  Nope, he would pick and choose the thoughts of mine showing doubt, showing weakness and he would use it against me.  So you can understand why I don't want to go public with my identity.

I think that I should just go to bed now and let the day be over.  Curl up in the covers and read God's word.  Read what my Heavenly Father says to me.

"I've been here, silent all these years." - Tori Amos

"God's greatest treasure is the treasure of you." - Steven Curtis Chapman.  The words of this particular song paint the specialness of me, God's creation.  If God loves me anything like how I feel about my own children then I am treasured beyond belief.

Yesterday

Today I got frustrated with people.  What was frustrating is that my mind was just "busy" today....

Started out a GREAT day.  Children here, early rising, tooth brushing, washing the faces, hair, etc.  The JOY of being a mom and how much fun it was to wake up early this morning and take them where they needed to go.

Body aching again.  Alleve not even working.....Advil on top of Alleve didn't help much.    Reminds me to go take something or I won't sleep; I'll lay there just aching and aching.  Something is not right.

Rain Rain Go Away....Come Again Some Other Day

Rain, rain, go away.  Come again some other day! (singing)  It was one rainy day today.  We went in search of a park but had to leave one because of thunder and then drove way out by my parents and had to leave that just in the nick of time before a blustering storm moved in on us.  We had to pull off the road.  I think that I've only done that one other time in my life and I was a kid.  It was THAT bad.

Fruitful weekend.  Started out rough but then had good time with the little ones.  Honestly the rain probably helped contain us so that I could get some things done today.  I cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the whole house, did three loads of laundry, one bath and one shower, painted things, and cooked things too.

My feet are hurting me horribly.  They hurt so bad that I can barely stand on them.  I do not know what to do.  I might have to go visit a podiatrist.  I've never believed that I would have to do that.  My fear is that he will just say "lose weight."  I'm like, yeah, I know.  Working on that.  Been a little busy with life.

The Alleve barely helped my aching body at all tonight.  I'm about to just call it a night.  Tomorrow is an early, very important morning.

night all

Big Day, Big Week, Big Month and Big couple of years

I am weary from the struggles I've been going through for the last couple of years.  My heart is still broken although I'm stronger than ever.  God has rebuilt me into this amazing mosaic of experiences, knowledge and wisdom.

Most happy when I'm with the children.  I call them children to keep this sorta private although I know it's not.  My heart is at peace and relaxes only when they are with me or for the most part when they are with me.

We are all weary.  I feel like I've been through the biggest spiritual attack of my life and it's still ongoing.  Satan managed to tear apart my family.  He nearly derailed me several years ago when I was seriously struggling with depression.  Back before I realized what GOD thinks about me and that is the only person that I care about.  God says that I am wonderfully and beautifully made.  I am NOT who I was told that I was for so many years.  God has a plan for my life that is unfolding day by day.  I wish that I knew more of His plan but right now He just takes me day by day, providing what I need for that day.  It's really quite amazing to experience.  I remember my mom telling me at the beginning that it would be like God would be my husband now and I thought she was nuts at the time.  Now I think that I'm beginning to understand what she meant a little better.

God has become my constant companion, the one from whom I draw my strength, the one who provides me with wisdom and the one who imparts courage to me.  He has filled the void that was left in me when my husband chose not to be married to me anymore.  He's bridged the gap.  Yeah that sounds like a cliche and it is but it really illustrates the reality that I'm trying to explain.

I'm sure if you're like me you're heard people say "God will meet you where you are." What I believe is that God was already right there with you the whole time, waiting.    So in a way, God has met me where I am - here is right here with me, sitting on my fluffy blue couch as I type my messages to who knows how many people.  I rather like not knowing because it allows me to write as if I were writing to a dear friend.

God is good.  Do I understand all about His goodness?  No I do not.  Someday it will be perfected when we sit at his throne and sing Holy Holy Holy is the lamb.  Can you hear it?  I can't wait until that day.  I pray that I live a very long life.  I want to see my children grow, I'd love to be a grandmother someday.  I have hopes and dreams for my future that I truly believe God put in me. I just want to shout to the world, God is good.  Even in the middle of the hurt, illness, sickness, pain.  He is right there with you.  Let Him be a part of your life.  Let Him use you.  I know that is my prayer tonight.  Lord, let me be used of you to serve you in whatever way you have planned.  Please show me what you'd like me to do next.

Big Week but Glad It's Over

I had a super big week this week, emotionally.  Court again.  I was stressed out one minute then had God's peace the next, then back then forth.  It was wild.

All week I knew that whatever the outcome it was going to be what God wanted for me.  (I'm not referring to His wanting divorce as we know that's not true).  I just mean that He led the way and paved the way for a really great outcome for me.

I still feel like a complete failure sometimes.  I fight my internal thoughts.  Most are not very flattering.  For years the words someone spoke to me became internalized and then they became like a poison that ate away at my very being. At the core part of me.  Then one day I realized that God had already forgiven me for my wrongs and sins and "as far as the east is from the West, so far He has removed my transgressions from me."  That just rules.  There is no other way to put it.  I'm free because I'm forgiven.  When my head starts telling me untruths I remember that verse.

I feel like God had to completely take me apart to put me back together again, whole.  I've been through the darkest days anyone would ever imagine and LIVED TO TELL OTHERS ABOUT IT!   I have been through the valley where there isn't much light but then God helped me climb up the mountain, slowly.

All the things I have to say seem so trite, so much like every Christian cliche that I've ever heard.  I do not want to be a Christian cliche nor talk or walk like one.  I am a unique individual that God has blessed with unique gifts and some very unique challenges that I struggle with every day of my life.

You see, I have bipolar disorder.  There, you have it.  It's out there.  I've nothing to hide.  I've had it for years, probably since high school.  Most of what I struggle with is the unyielding depression that goes with it for me.  Even when I'm medicated and stable, each and every day is a challenge and I have to rely very really on  God to give me the strength that I need for the task in front of me.

I'm just an ordinary girl who is beginning phase two of her life.  Now I'm a mom, a worker at work and at church.  A friend.    A broken person living out her life as honestly as she knows how, with  God's help and with His strength.  Each day that I complete is an accomplishment that is from God.  God provides just what I need but with an abundance of grace and mercy.

My life will never be the same as it once was and that makes me sad on one level.  I had hopes and dreams for our family, for my marriage, for life.  Now I have a new normal.  Normal now means punching a clock, taking short lunches, coming in early, staying late, doing whatever it takes to make it.  New normal means getting involved in a great church, starting to serve the children of that church and having my socks blessed off me!  I think that I go to minister to the kids but it's been the other way around.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is good.  I do not understand Him all the time but I do KNOW, an inward, soul-searching for sure kind of KNOW that He is good.  God is love, I am one of his favorite creations.

That's my big week.  Thank you for your prayers.  Thank you for not posting any identifying information here.  Read and enjoy.  Someday I'm writing a book......SOMEDAY.  I've had 5 people tell me that I should.  hmmmm maybe God's trying to tell me something?  Have to pray about that.

Thank you, God, for helping me this week.  Thank you for providing for my future and for giving me your love and your strength.  Help me to be a better mom tomorrow than today.  Help me not to mess up in that regard for nothing I desire compares with the love I have for my children.  NOTHING compares to my love for them.  They are the light of my life, my earthly purpose for being on this earth.  It is my honor to be their mom.

night all

Good but long weekend

I'm taking a vacation form my problems like Bob on What about Bob? the movie.  I've had a pretty good weekend.  The problems tried to creep up again....but I won't let them.

I've had a peaceful weekend.  I took a 3.5 hour nap today and feel like a million bucks.  Doc took me off of another of my meds and I'm feeling good.

Church was good.  It was good to be with the little kids and also really good to sit in the adult service for a change.

Tonight I'm just relaxing.  Wishing that the children were here.  Missing them badly.  A 5 minute phone call after days just didn't cut it for me.

Tomorrow is work; it's become work.  The new of the new position has finally worn off.  Took 6 months but now they all look the same.