Broken People in a Fallen World

Today I am consciously aware that we live in a fallen world.  We are broken people living in a fallen world.

I have some questions that I seriously doubt that I will ever have the answer to while I'm down here on earth.  I know that God ordained each and every one of my days as He has yours.  That, however, is hard to believe when you're weeks away from a divorce and even though it's been almost two years I am still not ready for this.  Every time I think about it I cry and cry and cry.  I guess that I'm "trying to make the most of a bad situation."  But at the same time I am right where God wants me to be.  He has always taken care of me, He has been my best friend when mine resigned, He has been my husband when he resigned, He has been my comforter ever since I met Him.

Unless you're plagued by complex questions about life and about God then perhaps you should check your pulse to be sure you're alive.  The more I know about God the more questions I have, He's enticed me to want to know Him more deeply.  I have deep questions.  I know that I might not ever know "why" while I'm here on earth.  No matter how much I'd like to know "why" I am going through what I am going through I might not ever have the answer to that question.

Tonight my heart hurts.  I miss my family.  I mourn the good times we had.  I do not miss the bad times we had.  I do not miss being hurt.  I do not miss my heart being broken, over and over, for years.  I do not miss the person who did these mean things to me.  I miss the person I once loved.  Where did he go?

Part of me feels relief that the nightmare is almost over.  Part of me feels bad for feeling that way but truth be told, part of me needs to be free of the person who hurt me so badly and for so long.  He doesn't even acknowledge that he was part of the problem.  That still kills me.

There are no answers, only heartache in the middle of this.  I have glimpses of joy....and know that it is beyond this hurt.  Even if it's not in this life, at least when we get to Heaven we will be perfect.   Healthy, perfect people.  I long for Heaven but know that I still have much left to do in this world.  Several years ago I no longer wanted to live...I felt like that for about 2-3 years off and on.  Talk about "hell" on earth.  That kind of depression changes a person.  It also took its toll on my marriage but it is not my fault.  My vows were until death do us part.  I stood before God and promised that to Him and to my husband.  Now the court is parting us.  It still doesn't compute.  It probably won't ever.

I have dreams....I want to put this behind me.....keep a job.....learn some new skills.....maybe buy a house in a couple of years.  I'm going to have my very own rose garden and I can't wait.  We're going to have irises, daffodils, tulips, peonies, roses, lily of the valley and all of my favorite plants.  I want a basement and I want to turn it into THE place the kids want to go to hang out.  I want to be THAT mom.  I want my little pink rose bushes...and my white ones....God I give this dream to you but I believe you put it there.  If it is part of my plan then help me to get there someday.

God I give my life back to you again tonight.  Use me Lord.  Help me to love those around me, even through my pain.  God, grant me the ability to forgive.  Grant me wisdom.  I long for more wisdom.  I realize that sometimes wisdom comes with a price but Lord I want some more.

God I give my family to you.  This has effected them so much as they've travelled this road with me.  Heal their hearts too.  God, watch over the kiddos.  Work in their hearts.  Help me to help them through this change in their lives.  Give me wisdom.

Wild Ride

Ummmm I was sitting there, doing my thing at work then my cheek went numb.  I immediately googled "stroke" symptoms.  Then I called my doctor.  Then my arm and leg went to sleep.  I called my dad to race me to the ER.

In I flew through the door, the lady at the desk, started to ask me and I said "I'm having symptoms of a stroke" and she wrote one word and rushed me to the ER room and all the sudden there was  like 15 people working on me.  Then they ran me down the hall (pushing my bed) to the ct scanner where they did the world's fastest CT scan of my head.  Then an Xray.  Then it was neurological tests....can I swallow this test.  Wild stuff.

They admitted me to the hospital and put me on the cardiac unit all hooked up to monitors.  It was weird.  Of course those hospital gowns are so hot.  ha  So I'm there with my black dress slacks from work on and a hospital gown on the top.  My dad had to go to a super important meeting that he could not miss.  It was just me.

Then they took me for an echo cardiogram of my heart and an MRI.  Found out later everything was clean.  I had not had a stroke.

What it ended up being was my B12 was super low.  I hadn't been taking my supplements for it (I knew that I am already b12 deficient)  for like a month so I must have run out of B12.  They gave me a B12 shot then and an hour later my symptoms were GONE.

They kept me overnight and woke me up hourly to take blood, do glucose level tests (I told them I'm not diabetic they said it's protocol in stroke cases).  So every hour someone would come  in turn th elights on and do something to me.  It sucked.  Finally morning dawned and the morninig nurse was cool.  She left me alone for almost an hour just to sleep.

Doctor came around noon or 1 and released me.  My brother and I went to pick up my car and home I went.  Straight to bed where I napped from 3-7.  Woke up, called the children, then went back to sleep.  Went to work.  I think this freaked them all out a bit.  HR made me get a doctor's release to work.  My boss talked to me....it was weird.  I hope that all my dramas don't cost me a job but God's in control of that.

Today was long.  I was weary but was able to do a good job at work....I need to do good...cannot afford to lose job.

Tonight I had the children and we had fun together.  I get them all weekend and I can't wait.  My apartment will once again become a home when they are here.

I am thankful tonight to be alive, to serve a God who is amazingly complicated but captivating.  I do not understand His plans for my life but I will obey.  "He who began a good work in me will complete it." or something like that.

My heart is sad tonight as I learned of a good friend's heartaches.  All I can do is pray and listen.  I will definitely pray for him and his whole family.  God you know what plans you have for them, please work in everyone's hearts to bring about your will whatever that might be.  I pray that you would put a hedge around their children to protect their hearts.  God I lift up this couple to you and pray that you will work in both of their hearts and bring them back to each other.  Jesus comfort my friend and provide peace in the middle of the madness.

Still kickin

What an ordeal the last couple of days has been.  It's crazy.  I'm just happy to be here, alive and kickin.

Tears are for the Night but Joy comes in the Morning

Tears.  Exhaustion.  Unrest.  These are the feelings I'm experiencing as with each day I inch toward this divorce. There is a very good chance the divorce will happen in September.  The hope and dream of my life will be over.  I don't think that I'm going to handle this well.

Tonight there are tears.  Tomorrow there might be joy.  Joy comes in the morning.

I'm just broken.  I'm just a broken woman that God is putting back together.  He's rebuilding me into something new.  A new creation.  Unfortunately this process involves much hurt and much sadness.  I know that He has a perfect plan for me and even though I don't understand it I love Him enough to trust in the person of God.  I trust in His character.  I trust the Omnipotent, Omniscient God of the universe that He has plans for me.  Plans for good and not for evil.  Jeremiah says that.

I'm not going to let myself experience these tears tonight.  I have cried more tears than I ever thought one human being could cry.  I have felt sorry for myself, I have felt the whole gamut of emotions.  I've mostly felt relieved.  I feel like I've been set free.  Rescued by God in a weird weird way.

I feel this void in my heart that was left there by my husband.  I'm not sure that I will ever "get over it".  I might and have gotten over him but I spent 1/3 of my life with him.  That's a long time.  We had beautiful children together.

Tonight it's raw emotions.   I hope tomorrow is better.  I've been beaten down and God has picked me up.  He is the shelter over me.  His banner over me is love.

World's Longest Weekend, Double Naps and more

This seemed to be the world's longest weekend.  Yesterday I saw two movies which was a total blast.  It was nice to have some time to "escape" in a relatively healthy way.  At least it's way healthier than when I was in college and used to drink it away.  Oh but that was many years ago.

Today seemed to drag on.  I went to church which was great.  I still feel like a fish out of water there sometimes unless I'm up working with the kids then I feel at home.

After church I came home and took a nap, woke up for a while then took, yes, A SECOND NAP.  I do not know what came over me.  I don't know if I've ever done two naps in one day.  I know that the stresses of these past few weeks especially are piling up.  I hope that I don't crumble in a big pile from them when this is all over.  In a way a divorce is like a death but without the finality.  I mean, there is the finality of not being married anymore but you still have to see this person; they are forever connected to you through your children.

I  go to church and see these nice couples who love God and think: why wasn't that me?  No one wanted that more than I did. I prayed for it as a kid and as I grew into a young woman as well.  I guess this is the Sunday night it's not fair coming out.  I struggle with this every weekend that I'm alone.

Sunday nights are when I'm lonely.  Yes, I'll admit it.  I'm pathetically lonely.   I miss the companionship of my husband, when we were happy together.  I miss that very much.  Missing it won't bring it back and probably shouldn't.

I haven't talked to the kids all weekend and now they're gone for a couple of more days.  It's torture and I hate it.  I want my children here with me, where they belong.  You see, those little people I care more about than myself, and more than anything or anyone else in this world.  There is nothing that I would not do, no mountain too high to climb, no valley too low to go through, for THEM.  The strength that I'm gaining and have gained going through this divorce has just made me a better mommy for THEM.

There is still so much undone in this situation.  It could be many more years before I'm truly settled.  The divorce could happen in the next couple of months.  Apparently one day the judge will just issue a decree and we'll cease to be married.  I'll find out about it from my attorney in an email or a phone call.  God how horrible is that?  There are no words to describe the depth of my sorrow.

So enough of the woe is me.  I have much to be thankful for.  A good job, nice people to work with, a place to live, nice furry friends, wonderful family, a few really good friends and of course, God.  My relationship with God has been my lifeblood.

Thankfully tomorrow is another day.  With new mercies in it.  Isn't that a wonderful thought?  God renews us each night while we sleep and then gives us a fresh new day, a clean slate each and every day.  Then grants us forgiveness when we screw up.

Is it tomorrow yet?  :-)

Heart's Desire, Lots of Tears and my Place in God's heart

After my matinee movie, I am walking to the car thinking about what I really want.  I mean, at my core, deep.  What it is that I want.  It is hard to admit but I want my husband and family back.  I just want him different.

Why is it that I want what I can't have?   God originally put this love I have for X in my heart.  I stood before God and my friends and family and promised to love, honor cherish and never leave X.  Now, years later he's sick of me, I've been devastated by the way I was treated but there is still a part of me that loves him.  It probably always will.  We will grow old.  We both might re-marry.  But there is still one special part of my heart that he will always have.

But for all the praying, God has not lead X back to me.  He has not granted my hope to reunite with my husband, for us to heal, for God to change his heart.  Instead God has something much different planned for me.  It's exciting on one hand and on the other it is frightfully scary.  I'm in uncharted waters, in a boat being thrust about by the gentle and sometimes stronger winds of the change from God.  I feel rather adrift in a sea.  My future is uncertain; I worry constantly if I will be able to provide for myself.  For years X told me that I wasn't this or that (jobs that I had done before),  and if you hear something enough you begin to believe it, even if it isn't true.  When the person you trust most in the entire world is telling you something you believe it.

I completely and totally trusted this man who used me and then when things weren't working out quite the way he had planned, he filed a nasty little piece of paper that eventually caused me to leave our home, and the kids.  To this day I do not know if I will ever recover from those feelings.  They are as raw today as they were yesterday.  I suppose that's the nature of pain.  Little things remind me of the life I once had.  What I need to wake up and realize are the facts.

The facts are this: I was living with someone who was not capable of unconditionally loving me as his spouse.  When areas of my health faltered, so did his love for me.  He took my poor health and used it against me and still tries to to this day.  Now that I'm away from him, the truth is that I am doing great most of the time.  There are times, usually on the weekends, like now that I get a little sentimental and my heart starts hurting again.

The facts are that I do not need to worry if I will be able to provide because God owns the cattle on a thousand hills and He will care for me.  He has cared for me along the journey and does even now.  I feel like I  have one foot in heaven and one foot on earth.  My soul longs for heaven, to be in a place where there is no sorrow, only joy and  praising our Savior.

"Be still and know that He is God."

God caring for my heart tonight through His music.

I feel like I'm bursting at the seams I have so much to say but doubt anyone even reads this.  Someday I will go public and just declare it's mine but for right now it's my anonymous place to talk, contemplate and consider.  Even now I'm still afraid of him and how he could someday use something I say on here against me in court.   He wouldn't pick the parts where I talk about  how passionately I love my children or how great I'm feeling or how I feel like God's made me into a new person.  Nope, he would pick and choose the thoughts of mine showing doubt, showing weakness and he would use it against me.  So you can understand why I don't want to go public with my identity.

I think that I should just go to bed now and let the day be over.  Curl up in the covers and read God's word.  Read what my Heavenly Father says to me.

"I've been here, silent all these years." - Tori Amos

"God's greatest treasure is the treasure of you." - Steven Curtis Chapman.  The words of this particular song paint the specialness of me, God's creation.  If God loves me anything like how I feel about my own children then I am treasured beyond belief.

Yesterday

Today I got frustrated with people.  What was frustrating is that my mind was just "busy" today....

Started out a GREAT day.  Children here, early rising, tooth brushing, washing the faces, hair, etc.  The JOY of being a mom and how much fun it was to wake up early this morning and take them where they needed to go.

Body aching again.  Alleve not even working.....Advil on top of Alleve didn't help much.    Reminds me to go take something or I won't sleep; I'll lay there just aching and aching.  Something is not right.