Happy to be Alive

This week I'm just happy to be alive.  I have a new perspective since last week.  It was a good wake up call for me to get things more "together."  In myself and my world.

This week I actually was giddy happy.  It was nice.  I feel like myself again and it's been a very very long time since I felt like this.  Physically I'm feeling fairly good and emotionally I'm doing GREAT considering everything that is going on in my life: especially including the divorce.  Most likely the divorce will be finalized in the next month or two.

This fall is going to be a time of renewal.  I'll be moving to a new place, moving out more on my own.  Starting my life as a single person again.  A single mom.  That still blows my mind but it's my new reality so that is what I have to go through.  I've prayed and prayed for something to change before the judge calls it quits but God seems to be leading in a different direction and I am having a hard time jumping on board.  I of course want to follow Him with everything that is in me.  It is just hard to do when you're taking it one day at a time.

Fist full of bills tonight in the mail.  Paycheck was less today because of missing some work last week.  No overtime on this check.  I'm going to have to consider whether or not I'll even be able to afford cable in my new apartment.  Part of me wants to spend evenings without the television for a while.  Read books, study the Bible, enrich my life.  Take classes.  Give my time to others.  I've been sitting on this big blue sofa for way too long!!!

Look out world, here I come!  God, lead my way, help me to follow the path you are laying out for me.  Help me to trust you with my every decision.  Help me to be a good mom who teaches her children about You.  Be my companion now that I will be without a husband.

There you go.

My Heart is Singing a little tune

Last night I asked God to help me with what to do about moving this fall.  I just asked for wisdom.  Then today an associate of mine offered a great housing deal....with just a couple of steps.  This thing might happen after all!  It's for 2 years which would be good....allow me to gain some cash reserves so that I have more options available in two years.

What an amazing thing to once again to see God work in such a real and amazing way.  He truly cares for me.  He knows when a sparrow falls, so how much more does He care for me?  We were created for His pleasure, to serve and love Him forever.  

Body aching and groaning like I'm an old lady.  Today I woke up hurting so badly I could barely get out of bed.  Alleve didn't help.  Advil sort of helped....but still I hurt all day long.  Excruciating pain.  So if you're a pray-er, start praying for healing.  

This is going to be a big month.  I plan to focus on the kids, work, what's in front of me and try not to worry about the pending divorce and its proceedings.

I'm headed for a new life.  New beginnings.  New me.  God's done this.  He has created a new heart in me. Today I was giddy; just happy to be alive after last week's event.  

So blessed to be a mom; to be working at a job that I basically enjoy, to have health insurance and great benefits, to live in a nice place, to have such great kids and to have a relationship with God.  Life is hard right now but God is good.  He takes care of me each and every day.

So tonight my heart sings a little song.  A song of God's goodness and how much He loves us.

Sleep Come Quickly to All Under this Roof

Sometimes I don't know how I deal with all that I manage to do.  God has given me super human strength to get through each day with just enough energy to do what I need.  Not much extra but enough for the basics.  I'm feeling better than I have in years which is so great.  Lost 50 lbs.  That feels awesome.  I have more to lose but it will be a process.

I feel the weight of being a parent weighing heavily upon my head.  Not in a bad way, in a somber way.  I want so badly to do the right things with my kids, to not mess them up.  To teach them values, morals, tell them about God.  Read them the Bible.  I want to teach them how to be grown ups.

Then there is my job which is highly stressful because it's in claims.  Everybody is usually grumpy when it comes to claims...so I deal with unhappy people a lot.  Unhappy people whose stuff got broken or went missing or got stolen.  I do my best to make things right by people.....

Then there are the 50 things wrong with my health that make my life well, interesting.  I have some unique problems that not a lot of people have.

I think that what I'm trying to say is that I feel like a LOT right now.  I've got two little people who won't go to sleep!!!!!! grrrrrrr.  I'm going to bed soon so they better fall asleep.

Tomorrow I have to cook bacon for breakfast.  Fun fun!  and other stuff.  Saturday is my cooking morning meal while Sunday has become cereal day 'cuz we have to be at church early.

TIRED OF ALL THE STRESS.  Must sleep now.

Broken People in a Fallen World

Today I am consciously aware that we live in a fallen world.  We are broken people living in a fallen world.

I have some questions that I seriously doubt that I will ever have the answer to while I'm down here on earth.  I know that God ordained each and every one of my days as He has yours.  That, however, is hard to believe when you're weeks away from a divorce and even though it's been almost two years I am still not ready for this.  Every time I think about it I cry and cry and cry.  I guess that I'm "trying to make the most of a bad situation."  But at the same time I am right where God wants me to be.  He has always taken care of me, He has been my best friend when mine resigned, He has been my husband when he resigned, He has been my comforter ever since I met Him.

Unless you're plagued by complex questions about life and about God then perhaps you should check your pulse to be sure you're alive.  The more I know about God the more questions I have, He's enticed me to want to know Him more deeply.  I have deep questions.  I know that I might not ever know "why" while I'm here on earth.  No matter how much I'd like to know "why" I am going through what I am going through I might not ever have the answer to that question.

Tonight my heart hurts.  I miss my family.  I mourn the good times we had.  I do not miss the bad times we had.  I do not miss being hurt.  I do not miss my heart being broken, over and over, for years.  I do not miss the person who did these mean things to me.  I miss the person I once loved.  Where did he go?

Part of me feels relief that the nightmare is almost over.  Part of me feels bad for feeling that way but truth be told, part of me needs to be free of the person who hurt me so badly and for so long.  He doesn't even acknowledge that he was part of the problem.  That still kills me.

There are no answers, only heartache in the middle of this.  I have glimpses of joy....and know that it is beyond this hurt.  Even if it's not in this life, at least when we get to Heaven we will be perfect.   Healthy, perfect people.  I long for Heaven but know that I still have much left to do in this world.  Several years ago I no longer wanted to live...I felt like that for about 2-3 years off and on.  Talk about "hell" on earth.  That kind of depression changes a person.  It also took its toll on my marriage but it is not my fault.  My vows were until death do us part.  I stood before God and promised that to Him and to my husband.  Now the court is parting us.  It still doesn't compute.  It probably won't ever.

I have dreams....I want to put this behind me.....keep a job.....learn some new skills.....maybe buy a house in a couple of years.  I'm going to have my very own rose garden and I can't wait.  We're going to have irises, daffodils, tulips, peonies, roses, lily of the valley and all of my favorite plants.  I want a basement and I want to turn it into THE place the kids want to go to hang out.  I want to be THAT mom.  I want my little pink rose bushes...and my white ones....God I give this dream to you but I believe you put it there.  If it is part of my plan then help me to get there someday.

God I give my life back to you again tonight.  Use me Lord.  Help me to love those around me, even through my pain.  God, grant me the ability to forgive.  Grant me wisdom.  I long for more wisdom.  I realize that sometimes wisdom comes with a price but Lord I want some more.

God I give my family to you.  This has effected them so much as they've travelled this road with me.  Heal their hearts too.  God, watch over the kiddos.  Work in their hearts.  Help me to help them through this change in their lives.  Give me wisdom.

Wild Ride

Ummmm I was sitting there, doing my thing at work then my cheek went numb.  I immediately googled "stroke" symptoms.  Then I called my doctor.  Then my arm and leg went to sleep.  I called my dad to race me to the ER.

In I flew through the door, the lady at the desk, started to ask me and I said "I'm having symptoms of a stroke" and she wrote one word and rushed me to the ER room and all the sudden there was  like 15 people working on me.  Then they ran me down the hall (pushing my bed) to the ct scanner where they did the world's fastest CT scan of my head.  Then an Xray.  Then it was neurological tests....can I swallow this test.  Wild stuff.

They admitted me to the hospital and put me on the cardiac unit all hooked up to monitors.  It was weird.  Of course those hospital gowns are so hot.  ha  So I'm there with my black dress slacks from work on and a hospital gown on the top.  My dad had to go to a super important meeting that he could not miss.  It was just me.

Then they took me for an echo cardiogram of my heart and an MRI.  Found out later everything was clean.  I had not had a stroke.

What it ended up being was my B12 was super low.  I hadn't been taking my supplements for it (I knew that I am already b12 deficient)  for like a month so I must have run out of B12.  They gave me a B12 shot then and an hour later my symptoms were GONE.

They kept me overnight and woke me up hourly to take blood, do glucose level tests (I told them I'm not diabetic they said it's protocol in stroke cases).  So every hour someone would come  in turn th elights on and do something to me.  It sucked.  Finally morning dawned and the morninig nurse was cool.  She left me alone for almost an hour just to sleep.

Doctor came around noon or 1 and released me.  My brother and I went to pick up my car and home I went.  Straight to bed where I napped from 3-7.  Woke up, called the children, then went back to sleep.  Went to work.  I think this freaked them all out a bit.  HR made me get a doctor's release to work.  My boss talked to me....it was weird.  I hope that all my dramas don't cost me a job but God's in control of that.

Today was long.  I was weary but was able to do a good job at work....I need to do good...cannot afford to lose job.

Tonight I had the children and we had fun together.  I get them all weekend and I can't wait.  My apartment will once again become a home when they are here.

I am thankful tonight to be alive, to serve a God who is amazingly complicated but captivating.  I do not understand His plans for my life but I will obey.  "He who began a good work in me will complete it." or something like that.

My heart is sad tonight as I learned of a good friend's heartaches.  All I can do is pray and listen.  I will definitely pray for him and his whole family.  God you know what plans you have for them, please work in everyone's hearts to bring about your will whatever that might be.  I pray that you would put a hedge around their children to protect their hearts.  God I lift up this couple to you and pray that you will work in both of their hearts and bring them back to each other.  Jesus comfort my friend and provide peace in the middle of the madness.

Still kickin

What an ordeal the last couple of days has been.  It's crazy.  I'm just happy to be here, alive and kickin.

Tears are for the Night but Joy comes in the Morning

Tears.  Exhaustion.  Unrest.  These are the feelings I'm experiencing as with each day I inch toward this divorce. There is a very good chance the divorce will happen in September.  The hope and dream of my life will be over.  I don't think that I'm going to handle this well.

Tonight there are tears.  Tomorrow there might be joy.  Joy comes in the morning.

I'm just broken.  I'm just a broken woman that God is putting back together.  He's rebuilding me into something new.  A new creation.  Unfortunately this process involves much hurt and much sadness.  I know that He has a perfect plan for me and even though I don't understand it I love Him enough to trust in the person of God.  I trust in His character.  I trust the Omnipotent, Omniscient God of the universe that He has plans for me.  Plans for good and not for evil.  Jeremiah says that.

I'm not going to let myself experience these tears tonight.  I have cried more tears than I ever thought one human being could cry.  I have felt sorry for myself, I have felt the whole gamut of emotions.  I've mostly felt relieved.  I feel like I've been set free.  Rescued by God in a weird weird way.

I feel this void in my heart that was left there by my husband.  I'm not sure that I will ever "get over it".  I might and have gotten over him but I spent 1/3 of my life with him.  That's a long time.  We had beautiful children together.

Tonight it's raw emotions.   I hope tomorrow is better.  I've been beaten down and God has picked me up.  He is the shelter over me.  His banner over me is love.