This too Shall Pass

It's ending.  I sit here alone two years after he files for divorce.  We're a couple of weeks away from our covenant being broken forever.  My heart hurts like I've never hurt before.   I wish that I could avoid this pain but I know that I have to move through the pain, experience it, learn what God is trying to tell me and get to the other side of this intense hurting.

He left me and he took the only two things I cared about, my children.  I am bitter that I am the one with visitation rights.  I hate it.  I want my place to be the kid's home but instead it is not that way.

Having mixed feelings about love.  I once loved so very very much and that is why this time of my life is so very very hard.  To hurt this badly means that I loved intensely and that would be true.  I still love despite all the hurt and meanness and other things.   There is a small part of me that wishes that I could just wake up one day and I'd be back home with my family intact, happy.  Then my job would be being a mom.

The worst part about getting divorced is the loneliness.  I used to like to be alone because that is how I gathered my wits about me.  Now i am alone all the time almost and the silence is deafening.  I hear the cicadas outside my window and wish that I could fly away with them to the next spot, to the next place.   I guess that I'm wishing that i could escape feeling this way.  I also know these feelings are temporary and that they too shall pass.  Or as my high school Spanish teacher would tell me "This too shall pass."  For some reason I always found that comforting.  It was like someone who had experienced hurt telling the new person, it won't always be this way.

So it's a rough Saturday night.  Saw a good movie, almost made me believe in love again.  Almost.  I believed in love once and I shared my whole world with him and he rejected me.  The person that was my best friend in the world filed a paper that required my moving out of the house, his keeping my car and our kids.  I do not want to forgive him.  I'm still very angry about what he did and how little I got to spend with the kids.

Someday this will all be made right.  (heaven).  Until then, we struggle and suffer.  We flounder and flap about like curtains blowing around an open window.  Like a ship without a compass.  Only I have a compass and my compass is set to Jesus.  He is my true North.

Someday maybe I'll be the one telling someone "this too shall pass."  That would be nice for that would mean that I'm on the other side of this!  Until then I remain my honestly flawed and openly honest person.  Tired of those who don't want to hear the hurt.  If you don't want to travel with me through this divorce then leave.  I do not need excess baggage.  If you are willing to walk with me and with God, perhaps He will and He has shown some of Himself to me/us.  Come with me.....

Alone

Woke up today, really struggling.  Missing my children, my family.  I'm just a few weeks away from some judge decree-ing that we're divorced.  How am I supposed to feel about that?  My family thinks that I've had two years to prepare.  What they don't get it that two years will never prepare you for the end of your marriage.  Even if it was bad you still go through stages of grief.

I hate weekends.  The ones where I'm alone seem to drag by.

I lost it yesterday and broke down and cried.  In front of the kids.  They drew me pictures to cheer me up.  I have been so strong but yesterday I just cried.  Felt about a half inch tall too.

I'm human.  Today I just feel alone.

Super Focused

Today was just a weird day.  I think that I took my afternoon medicines in the morning....but it must have been okay because I was able to focus all day, even working on one project for six straight hours.  It was odd.  I took lunch at about 2:30.  Very very odd.

This morning one of my children had brought back some shoes I just bought her, saying they were too hot, etc, wanting to leave them here.  I made this child deal with the fact that I was sending them back in the suitcase.  What I didn't realize is that this child was bringing them here to have something here at MOM's.  It bothered me all day because it hurt my feelings this morning because of our miscommunication.  On the way home I figured it all out.  So I called this little person and spoke with him/her and we are okay now.  I apologized and asked him/her if him/her just wanted to leave them at mommy's house.  This child said yes.  I felt so bad that I was so blind.

Tonight my heart hurts for some friends who are undergoing some horrible situations.  All I can do is offer to talk and listen.  I pray and pray and pray for people every night....right as I go to bed is my special time with God.  It is when we commune together.  I have several people who are on the list permanently until God heals them or they go to be with  Jesus.

It's not even 8:00 and I'm ready to turn in.  Dinner is baking in the oven.  I've got to start eating at home, I need to change my life, buy real food, eat good for me food.  If that means buying new pots and pans then so be it.  When we move I want to step up my game around the house and with the children.  I've got PLANS.

Chicken flautas, kitties and a lazy tv night.  Ah, God is good.  It is nice to feel peace.

Craziness

Life is speeding up again and I'm not happy about it.  I need to take my time and smell the roses.  If I had any to smell!  I miss my roses a lot.  Each and every bush that I planted.  I planted 7 rose bushes at my old house.....and they are doing beautifully, despite their current owner's hatred of them!  :-)  I think it's cosmic justice.

Work is going really good.  I've found my groove, and I've also been trying to step up my game, to compete for "top dog."  I think that I already have it but I have to stay sharp.

So every where there is pressure trying to creep into my life.  I don't mind responsibility but pressure is when you take it too far.  What I do to combat pressure: I listen to Christian radio as I drive to work, on my lunch hour I listen to it too, different problems because I go at different times every day.  I listen to the Bible Answer Man on my way home from work.  Other ways I combat pressure: I get enough sleep.  I take a lot of sleep and usually am in bed by 9:30 and sleep until 6:55!  It takes me about 20 minutes to get ready for work then it's hurry to the job.....while I listen and learn about God.

When I first moved here I used to spend my mornings crying, my lunch hour crying and the drive home to pick up my kids for their "visit" crying.  I've come so far or should I say, God has brought me so far.  He has set me free.  He has freed my head from the thoughts and feelings that tried to take my very life on multiple occasions.  He has freed me to be the kind of mom I've always wanted and wanted to be.  I have hope for the first time in a long time.   Just two years ago I was despondent.

Two years of excruciating pain and unimaginable growth.  It took one to have the other.  I had to go through the pain to get to the joy.  Now, with each passing day there are more and more days with joy and less and less days filled with unhappiness.

I have dreams and goals and yes, even hopes for my future and the future of my children.  Only God knows the plans He has for my life but if God is in control then He can do amazing things through me, to me and for me.    I literally wouldn't have made it through the last two years unless I had a real, vital and tangible relationship with my God.  He has become my all in all.

If you're reading this then you're one of my trusted few that I have told about this site.  If you're that important to me, then I ask that you pray for me and for the girl's dad.  Pray that God would change his heart as much as He has changed mine.  Pray that I can become willing to forgive him....even if we are no longer married I still need to forgive him for the past.  If I don't forgive him then I am tied to my past and that is not my reality: God has set me free and I want to be free indeed!  

To have weight lifted off of my heart that has been there, festering and getting heavier year by year - to have that be lifted by God off of me is an example of His mercy.  To be granted loving children with good health is grace.  To get to live another day - joy.

night

Goodness and Gracious of My Heavenly Father

God is moving.  He is leading and it's exciting!  Tonight I feel good.  Inside and out.  I feel whole for the first time in forever.  I know "whole" sounds all therapy-ish but it's really how I feel.  For years I felt fractured into little pieces, broken inside and out.  God has taken me from broken to whole in just two short but long years!

It seems like now things that were once overwhelming are easier than they used to be.  I'm stronger inside - stronger than I ever was and it took great adversity to make me strong.  It's brought about proven character and proven character has brought about HOPE.  With a capital H.

I tell people that God is good a lot and I know that if you're hurting that may not be how you feel about Him.  Sometimes when you're hurting you feel like He should be doing something different than He is.  What is amazing is that He knew each day of your life before you even took your first breath.  He knows the number of hairs on your head.  He knows when one of His sparrows falls from the sky.  How great is His love toward us.  Toward us even when we were sinners, He sent His very own son to die for our sins.   For us.  Took our place.  That still amazes me and I've been a Christian for quite some time now.

God uses people who show up.  People who want to be used.  I very much want to be used of God.  Right now my mission field is equipping my children to live with their dad.   I know that sounds funny if you don't know my history but it's necessary.  I'm equipping them with good self esteems so when they go to school they will know what God thinks about them and how much they are loved by their mom.

Humbled tonight to talk with my family, far away as they were.  Miss them a lot and wish they were closer.  Good thing I have unlimited minutes.

Tonight I marvel at the goodness and graciousness of my Heavenly Father.  He truly is all I need.  He is the breathe and life of me, He is my hope and my tomorrow.  He is my yesterday and forever.  He's been there with me through some of the darkest times that I've ever been through.  Times that would have crushed my spirit before now do not.  God has rebuilt me, He's infused me with courage and is using me in the lives of my children.  It's cool.

I must put down the computer.  I need to go read some Psalms and be uplifted.

Night!

Foggy Noodle

Today I just felt as if I were in a fog.  It was weird.  I felt like I worked and worked and worked and didn't get anything done.  I had almost no clarity and it was annoying.

I hope tomorrow goes good.  I've been working really really hard all week.

I'm thinking that the stress of this pending divorce is just slowly leaching the energy from my body.  Must go to bed tonight early so I can pray and spend time with God.  Lots to pray about.  Many people who need His help and presence.

To all who read you are the joys of my life, thank you for your friendship be ye near or far.

night

I remain His

Another day has passed.  It was busy today at work which made it go by quickly.  I was ready for lunch at 10 this morning!  I tried something new for lunch - yummy vegetables.  Good for me too.

Glad it's almost time to turn in.

I feel like all my creative juices have just dried up.  !  (could be I'm just tired and worn out!)

Until tomorrow
I remain
His.  The Father's.