This too Shall Pass

It's ending.  I sit here alone two years after he files for divorce.  We're a couple of weeks away from our covenant being broken forever.  My heart hurts like I've never hurt before.   I wish that I could avoid this pain but I know that I have to move through the pain, experience it, learn what God is trying to tell me and get to the other side of this intense hurting.

He left me and he took the only two things I cared about, my children.  I am bitter that I am the one with visitation rights.  I hate it.  I want my place to be the kid's home but instead it is not that way.

Having mixed feelings about love.  I once loved so very very much and that is why this time of my life is so very very hard.  To hurt this badly means that I loved intensely and that would be true.  I still love despite all the hurt and meanness and other things.   There is a small part of me that wishes that I could just wake up one day and I'd be back home with my family intact, happy.  Then my job would be being a mom.

The worst part about getting divorced is the loneliness.  I used to like to be alone because that is how I gathered my wits about me.  Now i am alone all the time almost and the silence is deafening.  I hear the cicadas outside my window and wish that I could fly away with them to the next spot, to the next place.   I guess that I'm wishing that i could escape feeling this way.  I also know these feelings are temporary and that they too shall pass.  Or as my high school Spanish teacher would tell me "This too shall pass."  For some reason I always found that comforting.  It was like someone who had experienced hurt telling the new person, it won't always be this way.

So it's a rough Saturday night.  Saw a good movie, almost made me believe in love again.  Almost.  I believed in love once and I shared my whole world with him and he rejected me.  The person that was my best friend in the world filed a paper that required my moving out of the house, his keeping my car and our kids.  I do not want to forgive him.  I'm still very angry about what he did and how little I got to spend with the kids.

Someday this will all be made right.  (heaven).  Until then, we struggle and suffer.  We flounder and flap about like curtains blowing around an open window.  Like a ship without a compass.  Only I have a compass and my compass is set to Jesus.  He is my true North.

Someday maybe I'll be the one telling someone "this too shall pass."  That would be nice for that would mean that I'm on the other side of this!  Until then I remain my honestly flawed and openly honest person.  Tired of those who don't want to hear the hurt.  If you don't want to travel with me through this divorce then leave.  I do not need excess baggage.  If you are willing to walk with me and with God, perhaps He will and He has shown some of Himself to me/us.  Come with me.....