Radically Me

The state of the union.  I am doing okay tonight all things considered.  It was a very stressful day; no lunch until 3:30!!!!  That is the wildest day at work yet.  I swear I got 50 emails in the course of an hour.  I like a challenge but holy cow.  Tomorrow I am not doing a new one; I am going to work all my existing ones to see what I can close.

Tonight my heart hurts for a friend whose marriage is hurting too.  God is good though and I believe that He will heal their marriage.  I just have a feeling.  Until then I will pray and listen and pray and listen some more.  I will return the favor for all of you who have listened to me over the past couple of years and who have prayed and continue to pray for me.

I know that I'm stressed out when I'm almost getting hives!!  The internal dialogue between my heart and mind is amusing.  My heart longs for one thing that is not good for it while my mind tells me what is best for me.  I choose to listen to my mind.   What my mind says is verified by what my family and friends know of my situation.  The heart wants what the heart wants.  That is why we should not let our emotions run our lives.  First comes the thought then follows the emotion.  If I learned one thing in therapy for all those years it is that.

I am, day by day, building a life for myself.  With some old friends and some new friends.  With a new church that I totally love and love participating in.  I get up every day and am faithful to my employer and put in my best on every thing that I do. I love my children passionately and want the very best for them.  I am not thrilled to be a single mom but I am now.  Now I need to be a single mom with dignity.  Not perfection just dignity.  And grace.

What would life be like without God's grace?  There would be no meaning, no sense of purpose, it would all be for naught.  I think it is amazing that our Heavenly Father cares about us so passionately that he knows exactly how many hairs are on each of our heads.  He knows when one of his sparrows falls from the sky.  He owns the cattle on a thousand hills.  People do you get the awesomeness of that?  I want to shout it from my rooftop!

The next week to ten days is going to be hard.  We are winding down and the divorce will happen very soon.  We're scrambling to settle before meeting with the judge.  Much remains to be settled.  I can't believe that I'm going to sit there while the judge reads the settlement into the record and we both have to agree to it publically.  What the heck am I going to do with those feelings?  Am I supposed to go back to work after that?  Not.  I have a feeling that I am going to want to be alone.  I know that I have counseling that night so hopefully that will be good timing.

I find myself smiling now days.  At Price Chopper I like to smile at all the old ladies.  I like it when I stop at Quik Trip that men open the door for me.   That feels nice.  It has been a while since I was treated like a human being and it's not bad!  I see people around me at work who are hurting, whose kids are in serious trouble and who are just hurting and need Jesus.  I could be the only Jesus these people will see.  So I try to live in a way that honors Jesus while still being honest about the hurts and ups and downs of my life and my problems.

God is good.  I say that a lot but mostly because it's true.  Until you've seen the darkness of night you can't appreciate the light of His goodness fully.  I have come from the dark into the light and there is healing there and peace.  And people who love me even though I'm radically me.

Night all