Waiting Upon the Lord

Kisses with gusto.  That is what I'm teaching my little one who has always been timid at expressing his/her feelings.  Tonight as I was doing my nighttime tuck-in routine the little one leaned over and kissed my cheek over and over and over again with GUSTO!  It was so cute.  I actually had happy tears.

God is good.  I feel like I'm finally living.  I'm through waiting for something that will never happen and now I am living each day, not mourning what could have been, but living in the here and the now.  Living each day as God would have me.  Trying desperately to remain honorable in a non-honorable situation.  Wanting to honor God in the midst of hurt and horrible sadness.

Tonight I told one of my kids about how God has a plan for all our lives and that we just see a tiny piece of it but that He has all our days planned.  That He knows the hairs on our heads.  That even though we've been through something sad and hard that God has a plan for us, a plan to give us hope and a future.  I pray my message sunk through the tiny noggin.  For not the first time but close to it I actually believed what I was saying!!!!

I do feel like hope is in order.  The next week will be stressful as we head to trial but God is big and bigger than the battle.  God will be glorified in the middle of all of this.  I will try very hard to act in a way that is worthy of the title of Christian.  It will be hard.  Last weekend I broke down completely,  I was so sad.  There was no one to talk to and I bore it by myself.  Then I realized that I was not alone, that God was caring for me in a very real way.

I'm not sure what emotions I'll feel as I hear the judge read the settlement onto the record.  I will have family there I'm sure which will help.  After that I plan to be alone.  I want to have the freedom to feel sad if that's how I feel.  My family does not understand this component, they just think that I'll be free of someone who hurt me.  They don't realize that I am letting go of the dream of the man I think God created him to be.   He will now become this man without me.  Our dreams will slowly fade and new ones will take their places I'm sure.  Our plans the same.

I am unsure of my future.  I'm constantly worried if I will be able to provide for myself, to make a way in this world.  I might not currently reside in my own home but someday I hope to buy one and it will be filled with love.  And my children.

Someday.  Until then I wait upon the Lord.