An Online Prayer for One Who Hurts

Satan is in the business of wrecking people's marriages and he wants to wreck us and derail us.  Tonight my heart hurts for a friend who is in a spot similar to where I've been too.  Because I know how it feels my heart is heavy and my spirit bogged down and my eyes are a little teary too.

Tonight I had planned to go to bed early....but God needed me to log onto the computer tonight just one more time.  So I did and I'm so thankful that I did.

I pray for wisdom for my friend, and for courage.  I pray that God will walk with him through this horrible journey he is starting on.  I pray that God will, if he doesn't have them already, bring Godly men alongside him who will speak both words of wisdom and practical words of advice.  I pray that his attorney will be a good match with him and his style.   More than ever I pray that God will put a hedge of protection around his kids, to safeguard their hearts and minds.  Lord, watch over these kids and help them through what is going to be hell on them too.

Lord right now this man's faith is probably shaking some.  Show Him your goodness in the midst of the chaos.  Show Him that you are trustworthy.  Speak to his heart.   Lord I also pray for his wife that you would shake her out of this state she's in.

Lord I pray for health for my friend and that God will protect him in that way.  God be with this person tonight and tomorrow as he faces a hard day.  Give him wisdom but more than that, give him rest.  Please allow him to sleep so that he can continue keeping his business and kids on the right path.

I pray all these things in your name.  The maker and creator of all, the Great Physician, the great architect of all, the Prince of Peace,  God of all.  It's in YOUR name that I ask you to do these things for my friend.  AMEN.

Pain in the Neck

What do you do when the Alleve no longer works to stop the ache in your neck?  I guess that I am officially a pain in the neck?  ha

Today seemed to last FOREVER.  This morning I was so hungry that I ate a tomato a friend at work had grown.  It was the best tomato I think that I've ever eaten.  YUM.  I love vegetables.

I do not know how I am to feel this week.  Part of me is stuffing it inside because I'm afraid that if I felt what I really feel that I might come apart.  I'm afraid the sadness over the finality of my marriage might make me extremely weak and horribly sad.

Part of me has peace that is amazing.  I know this can only come from God.  Thank you for praying.  Thank you for caring.  Thank you for listening.

I want to talk more but tonight I just need to rest and be at peace.  Another night perhaps?

Thrill of the Game

Good day today, not busy but productive.  I like those kind.  Closed four things today (keeping this anonymous).    I've started to realize that doing what I'm doing is fun but it's becoming monotonous....the thrill of the game side of my job is gone.

Boss is throwing more responsibility my way which is good and welcome.  I'm trying to take on more and more responsibility so that I will be poised if there is ever a supervisory position.

This is a big week.  Today I'm trying NOT to think about what is going on and what will be happening a week from tomorrow.

A week from tomorrow most likely will be the end of my marriage.  Okay I am not going there.

Tonight I hold onto a good evening with the children.  So nice.  I have so many blessings.  God has taken such good care of me that it is amazing.  I live my life to honor Him.  I sincerely hope that I can honor Him even through this divorce.  I'm not sure what that looks like but that is what I am praying for.

Weird Neck Problems

Good day, went by quickly.  I hurt terribly this morning, like a horrible arthritis and the Alleve didn't even help.  It was located in my neck where my neurologist has already indicated Cervical something or other.  I asked her what that meant and she said you have arthritis in your neck.  Cervical spondylosis.  That is what it was called.  So not good.    I admit that I have popped my neck for years, so not sure which came first.  I will never know.  Now I know that I will have to take something for the pain.  Alleve barely helps anymore.  It's weird.  I also know this arthritis type pain gets worse when I am under periods of stress.

Today some very frustrating things happened which tempt me to hold onto anger toward someone.  If I get angry then that person "wins" so I have to remain calm and level headed.  I just documented it and am now trying to let it go but that knot is still in my stomach.

Didn't get to talk to the kids tonight which also did not make me happy.  Tonight I remain fixed on the goal.  The goal at the end of this.

I need to unplug and let it go.

Rounding the Naproxen Sodium bottle

Another day has passed and I spent it with my two favorite people.  Have I told you they're short?  It's true!  They are the true blessing that came from my love of my marriage.

Big day.  We did church and then had all kinds of fun today.

Tonight though we were looking at my rings, especially my wedding rings and I told one of my kids that I might have to get some petroleum jelly to get them off because in a couple of weeks we'll finally be divorced.  Then a little hand started rubbing my arm and I got a hug.  It was priceless.  I told this tiny person that I was sorry that we had put them in this situation and that I know it's really hard but that I know  God has a future for us all.   I just shut my eyes tight and pretended not to cry.  Little arm reached out and rubbed my arm with my eyes shut I know that he/she could see right through into my heart.

Tonight I am going to bed EARLY!  It's been a wonderful weekend.

Must consult doctor to figure out why I feel like I have arthritis all the time.  Something's up.  I take more Alleve than I ever thought I would but it is the only thing that makes the ache go away.

So this little old lady is off to take her Alleve and then I plan to hit the hay.  Tomorrow is a new day.  God's got plans for me tomorrow.  I just have to show up.  Sometimes just showing up is all He needs us to do in order for Him to work in our or in someone else's life.

Short of working at church I feel like I have little impact on the world and on others.  I need to find a bigger venue for my voice to be heard. Hmmmmm must contemplate how to do that.  Tiny voice inside my head keeps telling me to WRITE A BOOK.    Then I hear the other "voices" that tell me that I could never do that, who do I think I am?  I haven't done anything amazing or accomplished a great feat or have any deep wisdom.

Yet it just keeps coming back to this book thing.   I have a feeling that there are others who can relate to certain things that I've gone through who might want to hear what a normal, 30 something Christian female has to say about things.  Deep and hard things.  I just want my story to glorify God.  I want to tell my story because I believe that it would be for God's glory, not mine.

Must go to bed now and ponder.  Right after I go by the Alleve bottle.  (hey you have to have a sense of humor at the fact that our bodies are all slowly dying).  No that's not funny if you or someone you know is dying or has died.  I just mean, from the time we are created, we are aging, moving closer to the day when we will be with the Father.  When we will worship at the throne of our Heavenly Father, the great Physician.  When my body which doesn't really work that good down here will be healed.  Hey maybe my marriage will be healed in heaven!  You never know.  I'm not going to hold my breath on the last one.  LOL

Good night to all and to all a good night.  May you glorify God in whatever you do: whether that is being a CEO of your own company or that you are a stay at home mom.  Both are needed and both are important.  Whatever your role, do it heartily as to the Lord.  That is your reasonable service.

Waiting Upon the Lord

Kisses with gusto.  That is what I'm teaching my little one who has always been timid at expressing his/her feelings.  Tonight as I was doing my nighttime tuck-in routine the little one leaned over and kissed my cheek over and over and over again with GUSTO!  It was so cute.  I actually had happy tears.

God is good.  I feel like I'm finally living.  I'm through waiting for something that will never happen and now I am living each day, not mourning what could have been, but living in the here and the now.  Living each day as God would have me.  Trying desperately to remain honorable in a non-honorable situation.  Wanting to honor God in the midst of hurt and horrible sadness.

Tonight I told one of my kids about how God has a plan for all our lives and that we just see a tiny piece of it but that He has all our days planned.  That He knows the hairs on our heads.  That even though we've been through something sad and hard that God has a plan for us, a plan to give us hope and a future.  I pray my message sunk through the tiny noggin.  For not the first time but close to it I actually believed what I was saying!!!!

I do feel like hope is in order.  The next week will be stressful as we head to trial but God is big and bigger than the battle.  God will be glorified in the middle of all of this.  I will try very hard to act in a way that is worthy of the title of Christian.  It will be hard.  Last weekend I broke down completely,  I was so sad.  There was no one to talk to and I bore it by myself.  Then I realized that I was not alone, that God was caring for me in a very real way.

I'm not sure what emotions I'll feel as I hear the judge read the settlement onto the record.  I will have family there I'm sure which will help.  After that I plan to be alone.  I want to have the freedom to feel sad if that's how I feel.  My family does not understand this component, they just think that I'll be free of someone who hurt me.  They don't realize that I am letting go of the dream of the man I think God created him to be.   He will now become this man without me.  Our dreams will slowly fade and new ones will take their places I'm sure.  Our plans the same.

I am unsure of my future.  I'm constantly worried if I will be able to provide for myself, to make a way in this world.  I might not currently reside in my own home but someday I hope to buy one and it will be filled with love.  And my children.

Someday.  Until then I wait upon the Lord.

Pray without Ceasing

Home is when the children are here.  It is then that I am most at peace, I am in my element.  I miss them passionately when they are away.  Our evening started out rough with bad attitudes, fit throwing and more.  Eventually I got an apology from my big one and a hug.  It must be hard to go from one home to the other parent's home.

Tomorrow is special breakfast in the a.m. then grocery store with the kids.  We are eating at home this weekend.....I already made my list, it is in my purse and I am ready.

Today was good.  Went out for lunch and had a productive day at work.  Closed three things today.  Our boss mentioned that he is going to propose and incentive program based off of all the money we've saved the company when compared to last year - we are on track to save the company about 250,000 or more over the course of the year.  And that is with a completely new department.  I hope our boss is able to convince his boss (one of the owners) that is a way to compensate us for all that we do.  We bust our buns for them.....and are paid poorly compared to what we should be paid.  I am very thankful to just be gainfully employed and plan to stay as long as I can afford it and they still like me.

I am about ready to move in about two or less months.  Freaks me out.  I need to arrange a mover STAT.  Hoping for family help but it might not happen and I can't count on that.

Lots of bills coming up....I still owe back taxes on my stupid alimony (I didn't plan that) for last year that I am paying off monthly.  Then I am paying off a debt that I was left with and I'm almost done.  Then I'm taking one of my kids to the eye doctor because I don't think that he/she can see very well.

So pray.  Pray that God provides a way as He has so far.  It's a daily trust thing.

Pray for my little family of little people.  Pray that God will give me wisdom to know how to raise them up in the way that they should go.  I am always teaching them something.  Tonight we had a little hands on craft action.  Little one was diggin that.

Pray pray pray without ceasing it says in the Bible.  What is neat about that is that it give us insight into the type of relationship we are to have with our Heavenly Father - always talking to him in prayer about things happening in our lives and others.  Like an open ended conversation with your best friend.