I'm Letting Go

Big week, lots of stress.  I have realized how very stressed out that I am.  I am ready for divorce to be over; to be moved and to be settled into my new life.  I am ready for my life to start.

Listening to Francesca Battistelli's "I'm letting go" and it so fits my situation.  I'm letting go of the life I planned for me and my dreams..."  For me, I am letting go of the dreams I had for my life and I'm clinging to the new dreams that God has given me.

It's all starting to tie together.  The book that got me through my rough times was Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb.  He essentially says that when we have shattered dreams often God replaces them with new dreams, beyond what we could imagine.  That is how I feel.  I'm excited about my future.  I do not know if I'm going to be an apartment dweller  my whole life or if I will marry someone again.  For the first time since I moved out I am looking toward my FUTURE.  I'm not going to look back.  The pain is still there; it doesn't go away, only lessens.  When it threatens to take over I just pray it back in place and God calms my heart and my spirit.

Today a guy at work and I got into it over something and it really pushed my buttons.  He's a total bully and when I feel bullied I immediately have the same reaction that I used to have: fight or flight - adrenaline pumps through veins when I feel threatened.  It was like that almost all day.

I still have a hectic couple of months.  I'm not looking forward to moving.  My family is starting to let me do my own thing finally but it's frankly a little scary to be out here on my own for the first time in 10 years.  On one hand I feel an amazing sense of peace and joy that can only come from God.  On the way to work this morning I was listening to some Christian music that made me tear up.  Then on the way home I again cried a little.  I do not miss the marriage.  I miss the person I married but he is gone and no longer "mine."  I miss my children and that is why I cry.  Not having them with me is a burden that no one should ask of a true mother.  I still have to trust that God has me where He wants me FOR THIS MOMENT.  Might not be like this forever.

The sadness is still there, still part of who I am.  Divorce is sad.  No matter the situation.  It rips families and people apart.  It is nothing but destructive.  I own my part of it all and God has forgiven me for that.  So when the guilt starts to well up I just remember that "as far as the east is from the west, so God has removed your transgressions from you."  Satan will not have the last laugh in my life.  He or we might have broken our marriage but I believe that God put this desire to be a homemaker and mom in my heart for a reason.  I just want a second chance at life.  I want to love and be loved again.

Sitting here as the tears are falling, I think that the stress from the last couple of weeks has hit me.  I have hives on my neck again.  Stinks.  Tomorrow will be a weird day.

I believe God is working out my future even now.  I believe that he is preparing someone for me and me for him.  Freaks me out a bit but I am also not a chicken.  :-)  I'm excited about opportunity and where it might take me.  Where God might lead me.  The life that He has for me in Phase II.

I am waiting for my forever love to move in my heart and push me where He wants me to go.  God has plans for me and for my family.  I just have to be brave enough to keep putting one foot in front of another until I arrive....whether on earth or in heaven someday.   I also want a forever love of my own, a human forever love.

I have to sleep now.  Exhaustion is an understatement.  My kitchen still has tonight's dinner in them....I choose to play with my kids for the little bit of time we have together instead of washing dishes.  They can wait until tomorrow or the weekend.

This weekend I have to try to find a place to live.  God must lead me because I do not know where to go.  I need to know where I'm supposed to go.

Until next time....

Labor Day Weekend

This was a good labor day weekend but alas it is over.  My kids just left to go back to their home with their dad.

I am so confused.  Tonight was reminded by one old friend of one thing then reminded of something else by other one.  Contradicting info is hard to sort through.

Feel like I am poised on the edge of massive change.  I have to find apartment, going to get divorced in same month as I have to move.  That just is no fun in any way.  I am excited about new and reappearing old friends but finding it hard to sort all out.

What to do?  Just pray for God's guidance.

Going to turn in early tonight.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Must find place apartment and plan this transition in our lives.  I wish that I could just go to sleep....and sleep and sleep.  I'm so tired.  I'm weary.

Free the Finger Day!

I'M FREE!
If I would have gone to court yesterday today would have been the first day I was divorced.  Went to lunch with a friend who point blank asked me when I was going to take my ring off.  At first I had all these reasons but then I realized that none of them really made any sense so I promised to give it some thought.

Then tonight, after having a wonderful time with the kids eating burgers and chasing rainbows (literally) and playing in the rain I went into my bathroom, lathered on the lotion and pulled and pulled and pulled until finally the little bands of titantium and diamond are now off of my wedding ring finger.  On my terms.  You see, it took me until this week to really FEEL free.  To feel HOPE.  I had figured on taking the ring off the day the judge declared us divorced, being all sad and crying and what really happened was that I was in there giggling like a schoolgirl trying to coach these rings off my fingers.

So salute my photo cuz it might be the last one I ever put on here.  My sad little chubby ring finger hurts tonight but nevertheless I am free.  Free for whatever God has for me.  Free to think again about my own happiness.  Free in about a month to seek after love.  I might not have the rings on but technically I am still married and will act like it until such day that I am no longer married.

I am excited about phase II of my life.  God is going to continue His work in me.  I will follow where He leads me.  I will open my heart again to the concept of love.

Very excited.  Liberated.  Free.  Relief.  Not what I expected but instead just full of joy.

Still God's Plan, right?

I was so ready for it to finally be over.  I was geared up, ready.  Then we have to re-schedule.  I'm trying not to have a bad attitutude about it because as a friend reminded me this is still God's plan.  It was a good reminder.  God's still on His throne.

Today I had lunch with my kids and they loved it. I used to do that a couple of years ago when the big one was in Kindergarten.  Now we're at a much different spot.  The little one tonight wanted to know if I was coming tomorrow to eat lunch.  :-)  That melted my heart.

Big nap today.  I'm sure that tomorrow will be filled with work busy bodies trying to figure out what happened.  I've decided to just relax and go with the flow.  I'm probably buried in email land.....but as I do every day I start at the bottom them I work my way to the top every single day.  Needless to say I get a LOT of emails a day.

Seriously laid down this afternoon and slept for like 4 hours.  It was amazing.  I was weary.  You know what I mean?  If you've ever been weary you know exactly what I mean.  My spirit was weary.  I think that is why Jesus said "come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest."  How cool is that?  How amazing God's love for me and for you!

Tonight I had my weekly counseling.  It was good.  I have few outlets in which to REALLY truly share the way I feel so it is good that I go to this place.  It has helped me to heal.

Had ribs and red cream soda tonight near the Legends.  It was awesome.  Lonely but awesome.  About a year ago I would go and eat my to go ribs in the car in the Nebraska Furniture Mart parking lot.  Call my kids and talk while enjoying the cool night's air. Maybe someday someone will join my pilgrimage every couple of months to Arthur Bryant's BBQ with me.

You know, I'm fairly okay with being alone.  I have been for years.  Even before he filed I was alone.  I spent every evening alone after kids were in bed then went to bed alone, woke up alone and did it day after day after day.  Now I'm tired of being alone.  I want to share my life with someone, with the right someone in God's timing.  God has perfect timing.  I would like to say that I am always on His timing but I'm not.  We get out of sync then He brings me back in line with Him and we're good again.

Well I'm going to watch some tv then maybe chat on the phone later.  Relax.  Listen.  Might watch some tv until then.  Ahhhhhh.

Almost Free

Another day has passed.  I am one day closer and maybe literally one day away from being divorced.  Tonight I have put away the stressed out feelings and hurt and am just concentrating on the job at hand.  Bottom line this was not my choice.  I tried very hard to make it work.  Now it's over and it breaks my heart on one hand and on the other my heart is glad to be free.

I'm going to be free again.  Free again to be me.  Free again to be the new me.  Free to love again if God brings someone into my life at the right time.  This is honestly the first time in two years that I can say that I am not closed off to the idea of my having another person in my life someday to love.  That would be really great.  I would do so many things differently this next time around.  I want my next marriage to be the marriage for my lifetime.  I want to grow old with my next husband.  I want to travel with him when we're older and the kids are grown.

I want to do things I've never done, go places I've never gone, try things I've never tried.  I'm ready for my future to start any day.

It is going to be an adventure but I serve a big God who cares for my every need before I know about them.

Here's to phase II God.  Please bless it, bless me and my family.  Goodnight and amen.

My Monday Night Thoughts

It was a Monday.  I took the biggest claim and spent the entire day working on it.  The bigger and harder the claim, the more I am challenged.  I like to see just how much money I can save our company while still following the rules and being fair to the person I'm working with.  I like challenges.

I think everyone needs a fluffy kitty like mine.  She just sits on the arm of the sofa by me almost all night.  My other one lays on the other end of the sofa keeping me company.  I never knew that I could be a cat person since my heart really is a dog person.  I want a big golden retriever again someday.  Someday.

I wonder about my someday.  When will it start?  Is this it?  When the divorce is over can my someday please start because I've been in limbo forever and it hurts my heart.  I'm ready to be happy again.  I'm ready to trust someone with my thoughts and feelings.  I think.  Still hard to let people in but I know that I must.  God has created us for relationships with one another.  Some friendships, some are romantic, others are well, other.

I'm tired of being lonely.  I hate it.  I hate it so much.  This thing has taken forever to get through.  I know  that it is all in God's time and that He is in control of my life.  I want to be a real mom again; do real mom things like I used to.  I want to help little people have good lives.  I've realized that at my age most of the single men have been married before, most if not all have kids with their previous spouse.  I had never really thought of the dynamics of blending two families together but God could do anything.  Maybe someday I will end up loving on other people's kids!  Who knows?  I know that I am not opposed to the idea at all.

I feel like I'm old and set in my ways but I don't want to be old and set in my ways.  I want to have fun.  I want to be with someone who loves  God passionately as I do and who is committed to raising their kids to love God.  I want to marry a man who will LEAD me and my family.  I want to be with someone I respect and admire.  I want to be cherished and loved for the rest of my life.  Is that asking too much?  I'm going to be picky on the next go-round.  I want to be married to the next man until the day he or I dies.  I want to grow old together, holding hands as we walk in the park.  I want to enjoy grandkids together someday.

God has put a desire in my heart and a hope for my future.  I do not know what it will be (my future) but I know that I serve a loving and caring God who cares deeply for my soul.  Surely He will give me the desires of my heart!

This is getting kinda long; well hey it's Monday and I have a lot to say.  The next two days are going to be horribly hard and I'm going to need all the prayers that I can get so if you're reading this and you're a pray-er, then pray for wisdom, strength, courage and dignity.  Pray for poise (I do not want to cry in the court room).  Just pray.

You Are a Treasure

I am now ready for my marriage to be over.  Yes, I said that out loud.  Do I wish this?  Of course not.  Is this going to happen anyway?  Yes.  So now I am faced with HOW to handle this.  My wish and my hope is that I can handle this end with dignity and with grace.  That is what I can hope for.

My heart is heavy but it is still filled with abounding hope.  God is good.  He has always taken care of me throughout my life.  He will now too.

There is a time for everything and for everything there is a time.

God has set eternity in our hearts.  He's given us this little hope of our future that allows us to get through difficult times like this.  I've been through a journey with God over the past couple of years.  At first I couldn't believe that God was allowing this to happen.  Time went by and I got over my first feelings of anger and betrayal and then I just felt thankful.  I was thankful to be away from this situation that was so unhealthy for me.  I had been set free.

So as I walk through this very difficult week I look with sadness to my past but at the same time look toward my future with great hope and excitement.  God has blessed me so much.  I have much to be thankful for.

Listening to some great Christian music has uplifted me tonight.

You are a treasure worth more than anything under the sun or the moon.  God's greatest treasure is the treasure of you.  !!!!  God delights in us.  How cool is that?  The God of the universe thinks that I'm the apple of His eye.  God's greatest treasure is the treasure of you.

If you ever doubt how special you are to  God, doubt His working in your life, KNOW that God loves you so very much and will care for you.

I've been set free.  I'm free to become the woman He created me to be.  Free to be her again.  Free to give and receive love.  I'M FREE!  (that is the most amazing feeling, even despite the pain).

God is good.  Hold onto that fact.  Say it, pray it until you believe it.  Believe that He loves you right where you are, in the middle of complex relationships, in the middle of relationships/friendships that are strained.  Remember to always hold onto the knowledge of God's goodness.