I'm Letting Go

Big week, lots of stress.  I have realized how very stressed out that I am.  I am ready for divorce to be over; to be moved and to be settled into my new life.  I am ready for my life to start.

Listening to Francesca Battistelli's "I'm letting go" and it so fits my situation.  I'm letting go of the life I planned for me and my dreams..."  For me, I am letting go of the dreams I had for my life and I'm clinging to the new dreams that God has given me.

It's all starting to tie together.  The book that got me through my rough times was Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb.  He essentially says that when we have shattered dreams often God replaces them with new dreams, beyond what we could imagine.  That is how I feel.  I'm excited about my future.  I do not know if I'm going to be an apartment dweller  my whole life or if I will marry someone again.  For the first time since I moved out I am looking toward my FUTURE.  I'm not going to look back.  The pain is still there; it doesn't go away, only lessens.  When it threatens to take over I just pray it back in place and God calms my heart and my spirit.

Today a guy at work and I got into it over something and it really pushed my buttons.  He's a total bully and when I feel bullied I immediately have the same reaction that I used to have: fight or flight - adrenaline pumps through veins when I feel threatened.  It was like that almost all day.

I still have a hectic couple of months.  I'm not looking forward to moving.  My family is starting to let me do my own thing finally but it's frankly a little scary to be out here on my own for the first time in 10 years.  On one hand I feel an amazing sense of peace and joy that can only come from God.  On the way to work this morning I was listening to some Christian music that made me tear up.  Then on the way home I again cried a little.  I do not miss the marriage.  I miss the person I married but he is gone and no longer "mine."  I miss my children and that is why I cry.  Not having them with me is a burden that no one should ask of a true mother.  I still have to trust that God has me where He wants me FOR THIS MOMENT.  Might not be like this forever.

The sadness is still there, still part of who I am.  Divorce is sad.  No matter the situation.  It rips families and people apart.  It is nothing but destructive.  I own my part of it all and God has forgiven me for that.  So when the guilt starts to well up I just remember that "as far as the east is from the west, so God has removed your transgressions from you."  Satan will not have the last laugh in my life.  He or we might have broken our marriage but I believe that God put this desire to be a homemaker and mom in my heart for a reason.  I just want a second chance at life.  I want to love and be loved again.

Sitting here as the tears are falling, I think that the stress from the last couple of weeks has hit me.  I have hives on my neck again.  Stinks.  Tomorrow will be a weird day.

I believe God is working out my future even now.  I believe that he is preparing someone for me and me for him.  Freaks me out a bit but I am also not a chicken.  :-)  I'm excited about opportunity and where it might take me.  Where God might lead me.  The life that He has for me in Phase II.

I am waiting for my forever love to move in my heart and push me where He wants me to go.  God has plans for me and for my family.  I just have to be brave enough to keep putting one foot in front of another until I arrive....whether on earth or in heaven someday.   I also want a forever love of my own, a human forever love.

I have to sleep now.  Exhaustion is an understatement.  My kitchen still has tonight's dinner in them....I choose to play with my kids for the little bit of time we have together instead of washing dishes.  They can wait until tomorrow or the weekend.

This weekend I have to try to find a place to live.  God must lead me because I do not know where to go.  I need to know where I'm supposed to go.

Until next time....