Diving In

Sitting here, alone in my apartment, on my weekend without the kids.  I'm fairly sure this is the first weekend without them that I've had fun.  Even WITHOUT them. Grown up fun.  It is an odd concept as my world was and is them but having friends as an adult is also good.

This is going to be a month of change, I can tell.  I move to new apartment, might finalize divorce and am looking into the possibility of a new job.  I'm excited about all three in unique ways.  If you're one of my secret followers, pray that God will provide right job that pays right in His timing.

I'm sitting here dying my hair.  I've wanted to do this for a year or more.  Now is the time.  No risk, no reward as a friend of mine put it.  How true.  I think that is also true in our relationships with other people and our children.  No risk, no reward.  You have to let yourself be open to risking being known by others in order to reap the reward of the joy of being known by them and still accepted.  This has been the theme and hard issue of my life.  So now instead of being hard I just give back to God and say "Here.  This is yours"  you do what it what you want."

Happiness has begun to creep back into my heart again.  It's an amazing feeling.  Foreign a bit but amazing nonetheless.

I want to move and burn my sofas and chairs.  Seriously.  But I can't afford to right now.  For now they are going to have to work.  I'm hoping that in the winter I can replace with more long-term sofa and chairs.  We'll see.

I feel like I'm standing again at the end of that diving board, about ready to jump, but instead of fear there is mostly peace.  That is nice.